spillingoutstories

Tiny feet, torrential rain, and falling in love with Haiti.

2011-09-16T17:43:00.000-07:00

Haiti Trip - September 4, 2011

J It's Sunday and we're going to a local Haitian church. Thank God I had the mindset to bring a skirt as the heat is stifling and it is a welcome break to jean capris. We load ourselves into the truck, Rick, myself, and a lovely nurse southern nurse named Chelsea. We bounce along down the road and for the first time I thank God that I have small boobs. These ruts hurt!

We park near the church and as I get out of the truck I feel starkly white - hard not to when you are the only 3 white people in the street. The church is filled with people and as we walk through the archway into the courtyard, I can't help but notice those attending. The men are so sharply dressed - nice shirts and long crisp pants. The women are beautiful, flaunting all sorts of colours and bright heels and I wonder how these women can possibly walk in heels on these pot-hole-ridden streets.

We sit half in the sun and half in shade. Rick stands out as he is the only man in shorts, but he says he can't bear the heat in pants. A little boy comes up to me and shyly put out his hand to shake. He has all the charm in the world and I can't help but smile at his boldness. People start to spill out of the church - Sunday school is over.

We slide into the back row, trying to pretend that we are not the only "blanc" people in the church. Children stare wide-eyed and I smile and wave as they have no sense of what is appropriate. I can't help but stare myself - this church is very similar to the one that my church helped build in another part of Haiti. White walls, open arches, it is a beautiful church and I feel thrilled to be included in it all.

The service is in conducted in French, and I keep my eyes open during the prayers to make sure I know when they have ended. The singing is beautiful - especially that of the man leading the singers - his voice is deep and yet it soars up and above the other voices, trembling with passion, and I feel God's presence in this place.

We have to leave the service early, as Jay and the others need to be picked up from the airport. I opt for going with Chelsea, and the other missionary women to see the hospital and the work that they are involved in. You can make no promises in Haiti as to what time you'll be back and so I say goodbye to Rick and plan to see him sometime later.
...........................................................................

It's the afternoon and I have been trekking all over Porta-au-Prince with Michelle, Chelsea, Wilna, and a little girl named Melissa. Melissa's not doing so well - she was born with a heart condition and has been in the adoption process in hopes that she could go to the states and get a much needed heart operation. Haiti has no help for that here. Melissa is 2 years old and it's a miracle she's lasted this long. Wilna has been caring for her in the adoption process and is like a second momma to her.

The first hospital we went to was an experience. We parked in the courtyard, and took Melissa inside. The room we went in was lined with cribs and children of all ages with their parents sitting close by. Michelle went immediately to the far corner and picked up a tiny little girl- Lugena (not sure of spelling). She was so thin, her face resembled a little old man and yet Michelle was excited to see that this little girl had gained weight in her face. She sat holding her and I took a couple pictures before asking to hold her. When I took her little body in my hands - yes my hands because she was that small - I couldn't believe how light she was. Her leg was the width of my finger and yet she was pushing on in spite of her set backs. Born prematurely to a mother who didn't want her and a father who dearly loved her but could not care for her - this little girl had the weight of the world on her shoulders. And yet God had preserved her - and as I held her I prayed and thanked Him for giving her breath.

I felt as though I had an angel in my arms - like I was seeing a picture of who God was. Not in her frailness but rather her strength. And as I held her, and stroked her tiny feet and hands I was amazed at the details in her little fingertips and nails, and wrinkly feet. When her father arrived to hold her, I quickly handed her over feeling a bit like I was in the wrong - me a stranger - holding his little girl. And yet I knew that God had used me to pray over her, to pray protection and blessing over her life. And as I watched her daddy looking down at her I felt so torn for him - to love your baby but not be able to care for her - that must be the worst feeling.

Wilna was pregnant so we decided to use the opportunity at the hospital whilst Melissa was safely hooked up to oxygen, to get Wilna an ultrasound. We all shuffled into a small room that had been set aside for sleeping patients. There was no one in the section that we were and the beds were clean and it was cooler. Wilna lay down on the bed, and the nurse began to describe what we were seeing. If you have never seen an ultrasound - you should - as it is a beautiful picture of God's handiwork. And even though we could only make out shapes - the head, the legs, the occasional foot - it was amazing to think that God knew every inch of this little one in a way that we would never be able to know.

We left the hospital in search for another as they didn't have a bed for Melissa to stay overnight. With only a name scribbled on a piece of paper we approached the next hospital - St. Damien's. A guard greeted us with a stern look, and aggressive tone, and a gun in his hands. He didn't seem to want to let us in, and finally relented with the rule that only 2 of us could go inside. We parked and Wilna and Chelsea quickly took Melissa inside in search of their contact.

Michelle and I waited and got to know each other. I told her she was a refreshing glimpse of what it means to be a missionary and that I wanted to see more. Before long Wilna and Chelsea were back with bad news - no room. Michelle got a heads up to try King's Hospital and so off we went. At time it had begun to pour. Before long we were driving in torrential rain. As we continued into the back roads, we passed people standing in lines with their backs to the building walls, trying to get shelter from the rapidly pounding rain. The streets were awash with mud. It was difficult to see the potholes as it they were covered in water and by this time it had grown quite dark. Occasionally we were forced to drive through rushing water, as it gushed down through the gutters and onto the streets.

We reached King's Hospital safely and managed to whisk Melissa inside and upstairs. We called out the name of the contact Michelle had and were directed to a kind-looking man who directed into a room . It was God's providence that just at that moment, on that particular floor, a nurse was wheeling an oxygen tank past our room. In Haiti - things never happen quickly. Wilna quickly spoke to him and told him that we needed to put Melissa on oxygen immediately. Three men in white coats who appeared to be doctors came into the room and began to assemble the oxygen tank. Before long, Melissa was breathing steadily again and her stats were back up to a positive level.

We sat there in the dark, the occasional flash of lightening lighting up the room, followed quickly by a crash of thunder. The lights were not working and so we made do, huddling on beds and chairs, all watching Melissa carefully. Me, a nurse, a beauty queen-turned-missionary, and an Olympic runner-turned-care worker. It felt a bit surreal.

Looking outside beneath our window, the streets were busy despite the flooded streets. Within a minute I watched a school bus, a man with a wheelbarrow, a motorcycle with 2 passengers, and a man wading and hold his pants up high, pass by. It wasn't a night to be caught outside. I was thankful for the protection of the building. Lights or not, it was safer to be inside. And it was warm as there was no air conditioner. After awhile the lights came on.

Michelle, Wilna, and I decided to go to Michelle to grab some clothes for Michelle and Wilna to spend the night, and meanwhile drop me back off. We headed down the stairs back into the rain and got into the car to drive back. But the car wouldn't start. The realization of how exhausted I was hit me and I wondered if there would be an end to this day. But Michelle was resourceful and picking up a big rock, hit the battery a couple times. After a few tries, the car started and I thanked God for this miracle.

As we drove down the dark back roads we slowed down as we waited for a truck in front of us to continue on. Looking to my left I saw a group of men lined up by a building and I suddenly felt very vulnerable in the confines of the car's backseat. I couldn't help but think about all the vulnerable women and children out there tonight in the rain and mud, fending for themselves against a male-dominating culture. I thought of International Justice Mission and the work they do in Haiti, uncovering prostitution rings and trafficked children and I prayed feeling evermore helpless in the face of it all. It seemed such an overwhelming problem. There is a part of me, that if I ever got the chance, would want to work in protecting women from this side of life. In helping them heal from the pain of it all.

My thoughts were drawn back to the road as we saw a huge lake-like area looming ahead. Wilna put her foot on the gas, and as we skidded and slid our way through the mud I prayed that we wouldn't be stuck in this mess. By the time we got to the house, Jay was quite anxious to see me and I was tired, hungry, and exhausted. And yet in spite of those feelings - I felt more purpose-filled than ever. I had spent a day trekking around for someone else, being part of something I had no control over - the pending health of a little girl, and though at times it was scary, and new territory, I felt God's hands in the situation the whole time, using me.
I went to sleep praying for the others, who would be spending the night in a lonely, dark, hospital and prayed that Melissa would make it through the night.

Frizzy hair, bumpy roads, and falling in love with Haiti...

2011-09-16T16:12:00.000-07:00

Haiti Trip - Sept 3, 2011

"My daughter, if you accept my words and store up my commands within you, turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding - indeed if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God." - Prov 2:1-5

My flight from Florida to Haiti could have gone badly were it not for a small voice prodding at my heart...

After lugging my suitcase down past the first couple rows on the plane, I realized quickly that the overhead bins were filling up fast. Sure enough, by the time I reached my seat, mine was already taken. After struggling back up the aisle, and squeezing past a couple disgruntled Haitian gentlemen, I managed to slide it into a small space. Walking back to my seat, I realized that there was a woman sitting in Jay's window seat. She had made herself quite comfortable and was doing her best to ignore us. Jay politely pointed out that she was in his seat and with much huffing, and a grim expression, she got up to accomodate. When we sat back down, Jay was at the window, I was in the middle with the woman beside me.

As I sat there, I began to wish that things hadn't started off this way, as I had hoped to make a friend on the trip. A small voice said, "Compliment her." I glanced sideways, looking for something to compliment. She was wearing a beautiful multi-colored scarf. Tapping her on the shoulder, I smiled and said warmly, "I love your scarf it's very beautiful." In an instant, her whole face changed. Her eyes lit up and a smile stretched across her face. She introduced herself as Memose. She was on her way to Haiti to see her family. As we chatted, she noticed I had my Bible out, and we started talking about our beliefs. She told me of her trust in Jesus and asked me about my work with Young Life. We were handed forms to fill out that were only in French. Memose helped me translate and fill mine out. After a time, she smiled and said she was going to sleep and to wake her up when we landed. I began to journal and pray for this wonderful woman who had just become a friend.

When we landed, Memose wished Jay and I well, and we said goodbye. It struck me how different the trip would have been had we sat in an uncomfortable silence, content to be strangers even as our shoulders touched.

..................................................................................................

I am standing in the Port-au-Prince airport, waiting for Rick to come back from seeing Jay off. Jay is going to Jeremie airport to see if he can fix the plane we came to Haiti to pick up. They are armed with a bag of tools, and a box of bottled water. They had hoped to transport a generator, but it will not fit and as a result I am guarding it.

It is quite humid. My hair has risen like a loaf of bread, despite my desperate attempts to pin it down. And so I have given up. I suppose I will be a sweaty frizzy mess for the most part of this trip, which is fine by me. Haitian men openly stare at me, speaking in creole, and giggling, and gesturing. Occasionally, one will stroll up, pointing to my bags and asking a question. I wave them away with a smile, and an "No, merci." I would probably stare too at a white frizzy-haired girl with a huge generator. I want to film but am shy to point my camera - it seems too personal. And so I wait, and pretend to look at my phone, while watching the people around me.

Rick comes back and we hop into a large cage-like truck with all our bags. We are on our way back to the missionary house where we will be staying. I feel a bit like a sack of potatoes - bouncing around the truck as we seem to aim for every pothole on the road. It's fun - kind of like four wheeling. We pass noisy crowds, and it appears that anything goes when it comes to traffic, from roaring ahead on whatever side you choose, to practically sitting on your horn every five secs, to packing as many people as you please on a tiny motorcycle. There is so much to look at - I can't seem to take it all in.

People line the streets, waiting for tap-taps (taxis), selling their goods - some just sitting in the heat. We pass a small tent on the side of the road with someone's foot sticking out of it. It seems impossible that a grown person could fit in there, but yet they have. Filming proves to be difficult, what with the cage, and the constant jerking and bouncing along but I resolve to do it anyway as I wanted to capture Haiti - and this is certainly Haiti.

After a while, we turn right and continue up a road - if you can even call it a road. Piles of rocks, and gravel line the sides. We pass goats meandering along as if they haven't a care in the world. No owners in sight. The rocky slopes have trails that start with gravel and transform into grassy paths, with trees, and bushes, and the occasional cow blocking the trail. We then start up a steep hill until we reach a yellow house with a large gate around it. We drive up to a precarious spot, and then our driver, John, backs in. I sigh with relief when we stop - surprised that the generator, suitcases, Rick, and myself managed to somehow not go tumbling down the hillside.

.........................................................................

I'm sitting on the porch of the missionary house. It feels exotic as you can see for miles - mountains, crumbling houses, trails, and loads of gated houses. It is as hot as ever and the house is filled with fans. It walls are brightly coloured and it has an open feel to it. Rick and I decide to walk up the hill to see our surroundings. I grab my camera and we are off. The place is a photography paradise - tons of old crumbly mansions everywhere and I think back to former explorations of old buildings in the states - these ones put those to shame. We pass gates strewn with flowers, vines creeping up and over to hide these massive hidden houses.

We make friends with a small goat. Rather - Rick terrifies it and I take pictures. It settles down and seems to like the attention. On our way back, a young Haitian woman pops out from behind a gate. We say, Bonjour, and Rick struggles to form some sentences. Before long, a whole family of Haitians are standing before us, smiling shyly, and greeting us. It is not two minutes before the girl asks me, "Facebook" - I reply with surprise, "Oui" and I promptly write down my fb name. She gives me hers and we smile as if we are best friends. We exchanged a few more broken English-French sentences, and Rick and I wave goodbye and promise to visit again.

..............................................................................

I'm in my room, prepping to go to sleep. It's a decent sized room with two beds. I have thoroughly checked both for bedbugs and it appears that the one on the far side has potential and so I leave that bed for Jay. My room has mosquito nets and fans so I feel safe for the night. It's been a full day. It's always strange to start off a day in one country, spend the afternoon in another, and then the night in yet another. Jay is spending the night in Haiti. Sadly, the plane engine is toast and they will have to find a new one. We're at loss for what to do - but tomorrow is another day and I am confident that God will work it out.

Brushing shoulders with God

2010-12-08T10:19:00.000-08:00

There is something incredibly powerful about the feeling that you have just brushed shoulders with God. At the surface you may appear unchanged--unmoved--save that small smile that has begun to creep across your face. But underneath the surface your emotions are quivering with the sense that something beautiful and powerful has just crossed your path.

I had the privilege of this honour recently during a conversation with a Christian Blind Mission donor who called in because God had been tugging on her heartstrings. At first the conversation seemed that it would just be another "call in, give a donation, thank you, God Bless you, farewell." But I was invited into something much greater. This particular donor--Marion*--told me that she was moved to give to Christian Blind Mission because she knew what it was to be legally blind and then partially blind. Now before you start thinking what's wrong with that sentence--I'll tell you that you probably presume I meant partially and THEN legally blind. But just wait a minute--this is the magic of Marion's story.

Marion shared with me that earlier in her life during a medical examination something had happened that had caused her to lose her vision completely. A few years later she was visiting her friend who was going through a very difficult time. She was led into her friend's house as she could not see at all, and was sitting down beside her friend. At this time she had been praying fervently that God would grant her sight because she wanted to be able to help her friend through the mourning process--specifically she wanted to write some cards for her friend who was too distraught at the time to do so. Marion had a firm belief as she was praying that God would grant her sight back to her.

As only God can do---He answered this prayer. Marion told me that after she prayed this at her friend's house her sight came back completely in one of her eyes (I think it was her right but I'm not completely sure.)Talk about a modern-day miracle! Praise God! Marion informed me that though she is 87 now she has enough sight to be able to drive back and forth from her friends' houses. At this point I was reminded of that story in the Bible where Jesus rubs mud in a blind man's eyes and heals him. Jesus makes the statement that this was done so that God may be glorified. When I mentioned this to Marion--she was thrilled to reply that God has been glorified in a huge and powerful sense as she has shared this story whenever she felt compelled to do so.

Marion then asked if I wouldn't mind hearing another story that truly spoke of God's glory. By this time I was so enthralled--I would have been happy to sit at this wonderful woman's feet and listen for hours. But listening on the phone seemed like the next best thing...

Marion told me that few years before God gave her eyesight back, she was in the hospital giving birth to a child. It was a complicated birth and the child died. The doctor told Marion's husband that he didn't think Marion would make it. Marion was unaware of all this as she was in such a bad state medically. She was in the hospital bed with the nurse beside her when suddenly she saw Jesus walk into the room and up to her bed. (Keep in mind Marion was legally blind at this time.) She couldn't see anything else but she could see Jesus. She said he had such a face of compassion--she was overwhelmed with the sense of His love for her. Marion said to the nurse, "Tell my husband Jesus is here for me and I'm going to go with him." Immediately after she said this, Marion heard Jesus say, "Not now my child, not now." And at this he backed away and left the room and everything was dark again. Soon after this Marion recovered and a few years down the road had the incredible experience of regaining partial sight.

Now for the skeptics out there--I pray skepticism doesn't keep you from believing these incredible miracles. Marion said she doesn't share this story with just anyone but that she really believed that to see Jesus you have to fully believe that He is the Son of God--that He is real.

Marion then asked if she could pray for me and for a few moments we sat in God's presence and spoke with Him out loud. It was truly an amazing experience both during the conversation and after.

I confess I struggled to write this because I left it for a couple days. But I was re-inspired today after a phone call conversation with a donor who just really needed to hear God's incredible love for her. After praying for her I had the sense again that I had just brushed shoulders with God. I have realized through both these experiences and a lifetime of seeing God move, that whether you are the one doing the praying or being prayed for---God will show up on both accounts in a powerfully provoking way.

God bless you today and I encourage you to seek God out--to ask Him to show up and speak to your heart. And if you do--I truly believe He will.

*Marion gave me permission to use her name in telling her story.*

uncomfortable with my own limitations

2010-09-20T19:03:00.001-07:00

I got the opportunity to visit a place/organization in Toronto known as L'Arche. It is a collection of group homes run for people with disabilities. I work for cbm (an organization that provides aid to disabled people in developing countries). Cbm HR decided we needed to get out there and experience the joy of meeting people with disabilities so that we understand the core reason for why cbm is run....

To preface this--my aunt Hilary is very involved in a group at her church of people with 'disabilities' and is always saying how full of life they are and how she loves that they are so genuine and open to who you are as a person. there is no sense of status with people with developmental disabilities--it doesn't matter who you are as long as you have community with them.

Personally I have never felt comfortable around people with developmental disabilities and I attribute this purely to the gap of the unfamiliar and my own selfish tendencies to stick with what I know..I will elaborate more on this in a moment.

When we got to L'Arche we had the opportunity to watch a couple videos showing the stories of 2 of the core group members. As I watched I got this sense of --this is a world I would like to live it--where beauty is so evident in people and the power of living out of your vulnerability and loving others out of your vulnerability is so rare. Our world is so wrapped around self-consciousness and the idea that we have to live up to others' expectations that we are drowning. We are so chained to our perceptions of what is appropriate as far as social norms go and what is normal--we study how to look like everyone else but how to rise above others. how to fit in but how to give ourselves statuses. And all these thoughts came just from the videos before we even met the people.

At 7pm we went upstairs to the community worship--a chance for people from all types of faiths and walks of life to come together and celebrate and bless each other simply with our presence. tonight we celebrated in Jewish fashion the new year. I can't remember the terms but that was the essence of it. We sang hauntingly beautiful songs about God and shared bread and apples and honey together. At one point people got up and danced and it didn't matter whether they were in a wheel chair or whatever --they had the freedom to get up and celebrate--no self conscious inhibitions to hold them back. i watched them and thought to myself of the awkwardness I would feel to put myself out there like that and I was envious of their beautiful freedom.

To elaborate on my limitations that I mentioned earlier...I found myself sitting next to a lovely petite woman named Ellen. She was in her 30's and had twisted in her chair towards me the whole time and was moving her hands around alot. I felt so trapped by my lack of knowledge of her--how to tap into what she liked, what she meant when she touched her finger to her cheek, what she was feeling---all this I craved to tap into and I found myself drawn by this desire to really know her. at the same time I was conflicted by feeling uneasy--my social norm tells me to catch someone's eye and smile and talk to them and i found it difficult that she would not hold eye contact. i felt my smile was forced and I saw instantly that I was the 'disabled' one unable to just talk to someone freely without focusing on the physical...what to say? I had no idea and felt so uncomfortable at my lack of knowledge. this thought made me realize why people don't invest in people with 'disabilities' . its because we are confronted so drastically with our own shallow tendencies and limitations that we often let that pass to the "dedicated individuals who have found their passion helping people". ..

but this is the key thing..the stirring in my heart that made me want to not just accept my limitations but challenged me to look for other places to meet wonderful people like this and tap into their giftings, their joys---this stirring I believe is evidence of Christ in me...Jesus was drawn to the blind, the lame, the poor, the widow---He had a real joy reaching into people's hearts and celebrating in them. And I want that. I truly do.

reminiscing...

2010-05-17T18:47:00.001-07:00

wow...I came back onto my blog to add copy and paste a entry from my facebook page because my last post was pretty depressing and I started reading back through old entries and peoples comments and it's like I had forgotten this side of me..this part of me that loves writing and expressing myself and pouring out my thoughts about my relationship with God. it's different from writing in my journal--those are more specific. but when I start writing online it's like my thoughts are tripping over themselves to get out of my head and it's so incredibly freeing. it is so cool to read back over these memories that I'd forgotten happened. its funny I forget actual events easily but when I read my entries I can remember exactly how I felt and usually where i was in my life when I was writing that. anyways all this to say that I have been firmly reminded of this love for writing and I am not going to let this blog fizzle out again. I still have much to say and want to glorify God as much as I can with my words...

God designed you with intention

2010-05-17T18:27:00.000-07:00

I was scanning through some msn articles and found an article titled "How to always look amazing in photography". this could be good I thought seeing as most of the times I consciously try to pose in photos--it doesn't really work well... so I'm scanning through and I find this quote:

"Be proud of your freckles, goofy teeth, or big ears—they're what make you unique. When you're comfortable with yourself, it will always shine through. But hey, if all else fails, Photoshop!"

What a contradictory statement!!! Culture tells us to be proud of our bodies and features unique to us but if we don't like it then all we have to do is tuck, and pull, and pinch, and color our faces on a program and voila---a whole new you. Only it isn't you at all--more an "idealized image" of something you think you should resemble.

You know when you walk into the mall and you pass the makeup counter and it looks as though the saleswoman has turned her face into a paint pallet by applying everything she is selling on her face. my sister has these big beautiful green eyes and I remember one time she went and got her eyes done for prom and came back with this "hooker" look. I told her as much and though she didn't care much for my advice I found myself annoyed because her natural beauty was being hidden behind this fake "idealized" beauty.

my husband likes me best with no make up on. it doesn't seem to make a difference to him although to me sometimes it's a vanity thing. even tho I buy the cheap walmart stuff that doesn't do anything for your face, it's like this silly security thing that I can't even explain or justify. I wonder if guys are shocked when they meet girls that they've seen through facebook that look nothing like their pictures. I've heard brides say they don't want to wear much makeup because when they wake up in the morning their husbands might not recognize them.

I am writing to any girl/woman that I know because I KNOW that we are faced on a regular basis with images that are unrealistic photos of normal, healthy, beautiful girls/women. This statement telling us to be proud of our features but if all else fails to photoshop is a load of crap.

God designed you with intention just like he designed that gorgeous sunset or string of mountains. He knows everything about your body and loves everything about you. He knew exactly what he was doing and is incapable of making mistakes in his creation. In high school I spent alot of time frustrated with my figure--I would look at other girls and think why God could you not shape me like them. But God knew all along what he was doing when He created me--my personality, my figure, my small chest, you name it. And guess what--after all this second guessing my looks and wasting time day dreaming of what I could look like---God brought my husband into my life. Jay is not the type to settle--he has high standards and knew exactly what he wanted in a girl (ask his sister--he had specifics). And wonder of wonders--I fit right into his concept of what he wanted in a wife. If God had granted a sudden change in my looks I could have had a completely different life...but thank God that He knows better than my silly requests.

But before you go thinking that it took a guy to make me feel confident I'll have you know that I met Jay when I wasn't looking for anyone. I was pursuing an avid relationship with God and falling in love with him for the first time and finding fulfillment in that....when you know who you are in Christ---loved and valued and beautiful and you believe it---you find a confidence that will not be shaken. sure you have your moments here and there when you go back to your previous way of thinking but you have to consciously stop and as my friend jules reminded me---take every thought captive (meaning bring it before God and ask him--is this true--what I think about myself?) and God will give you discernment.

I really feel for girls/women that get caught up in this concept of image control and making sure they are perceived a certain way when all along they are so hungry for affirmation and fulfillment and contentment in who they are. I went looking for some verses to back me up in my statements and these are some ones I found... God Bless...

Ps 139:13-16 (The Message)
Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.

Proverbs 31:30 (The Message)
Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades.
The woman to be admired and praised
is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God.

1 Peter 3: 1-4 (The Message)
The same goes for you wives: Be good wives to your husbands, responsive to their needs. There are husbands who, indifferent as they are to any words about God, will be captivated by your life of holy beauty. What matters is not your outer appearance—the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes—but your inner disposition.
4-6Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in.

twisted

2009-08-13T21:17:00.000-07:00

I hate being messed with. And I say it in this language because I am at the highest point of anger right now. One that will take me to its heights in the heat of my fury and spiral down afterward into a dark familiar depression. so to counter that and to counter any distractions I might offer myself as a temporary high, I am writing my thoughts out.

I hate the aftermath when God uses you in such a powerful way that you feel His love pouring through you and out onto someone's heart. I hate the way Satan slams you with his hardest deception after all this beauty has built up inside in such a way that it has exhausted you. and in the exhausted aftermath Satan covets the tiredness that has pooled at your feet and muddies it with difficult emotions that covert into anger. I was Jesus to someone today and yet tonight my words were twisted vile things that I purposely flung out fervently to match the anger I felt. I was so excited to share the amazing experience of God with my husband and when he was delayed in getting home suddenly I felt the victim & saw him as the perpetrator. or traitor is more like it. his friends became people I tell to f*** off and it is his beloved heart that I dug my claws into trying to be heard in my frustrations.

of course when frustrations are aimed at you from behind a cloud of fog you become startled and are quick to catch the ones that fall short and give them a new direction. but i warn all men when a woman calls angry and hurt do NOT play the innocent or coward because by then she has you convicted, found guilty, and just needs you to listen to your list of offenses. it does not matter that later on this whole argument will mean nothing you HAVE to listen & take it for what it is--a discharge of tired anger fired at you because you are the most loved and closest to her troubled heart.

before I get off on a tangent I will say that I know myself and I knew when I got home that Satan would use my emotions to make me angry and say things I will regret and that I declared exactly what would happen to my cousin, asked for prayer, and then went inside and immediately felt angry and frustrated. argh, I hate Satan's power to twist things. I hate it so much. so there's my vent. and after I have calmed down I will get back on and write about the beautiful way God used this shameful, bad-mouthed mess-of-a-woman this morning.

a new woman

2008-07-18T08:45:00.000-07:00

it feels strange to lose one's last name and take ownership of a new name..the taking ownership part is made easier by the fact that everyone around you hands you that new identity on a platter--eager to celebrate your new identity as a married woman...but below the surface one may glimpse the frayed remains of a tug-o-war...intitially, the idea of taking the name Doner startled me because it felt as long the last British part of me was being stolen...the name Whitaker draws me to the roots of England--seducing me with its rich history and memories it chooses to associate with..the name Doner does not open those doors for me..rather it is as if I am looking through someone else's window at a series of stories that are not in any way tied to my own...at least that is somewhat of the feelings that came before marriage...

but now..now that I am married, I sense the beautiful realization that I am both a new and old woman..a new threshold has been constructed in the form of two rings, and I have chosen to rightfully step over it and embrace what is now mine..it is not always a beautifully balanced embrace--sometimes I find myself struggling to hold onto who I am in light of my family and who I am in this newly-found family..which traditions I choose to hold onto--which parts of me that only my mother knows that I will reveal to my new family...

there is a security in one's family--whether the closeness is present or not, the knowledge that one has been there in all the experiences and whether we were standing side-by-side in those experiences or at opposite ends, we were there together...and that is a lasting connection that brings a glorious weight to the name Whitaker and makes it so difficult to let go of.

but new thresholds offer new friendships and I cannot walk away from that knowing deep down I desire it...Jay is the bond between these two worlds that secures me like an anchor because he took the first step out of his world---it was not me in changing my name, but in his pursual of me, he gave his own name a new lens to look through..one that is eager to join hands and hearts with a new love...a solid love..
and as many were able to see the solidity echoed throughout our wedding day, so shall they see it in the years to come...in the days that a Whitaker woman knows herself for who she is at heart, and wills her husband to do the same.

pedestal

2008-03-14T19:39:00.000-07:00

restless. i have this feeling that my hands are empty despite all the things my fingers have been grasping at the past year. i have come to the conclusion that i am nothing without Christ. i was under the impression that i could fufill myself through this daydream i had placed on a pedestal. but i was wrong. from beneath the daydream i could see this radiance highlighting the edges of it but everytime i climbed up to see it closer, i found the radiance had disappeared and left a dim impression in its place. why is that i seem to forget the dim-ness once i've climbed down from the pedestal again? why is it i so quickly forget that it means nothing without Christ pushing me towards it. i pray i will not be so quick to forget His radiance does not fade, so quick to ignore His voice in its fullness, so quick to content myself with this fickle daydream. Lord forgive me.

allow me to captivate you

2008-01-30T12:17:00.000-08:00

there is something about being on stage in the midst of all my butterflies, shaky hands, and quavering vocals that I love. maybe not so much the nervousness, but what accompanies it. something about knowing that all those times of pretending the edge of my bed was a stage and my voice ringing out soundly within those secure four walls--however good it has sounded to me in those moments cannot compare to the realness of being in front of people and choosing to spill out your lyrics over a microphone. it is a beautiful quiet that greets me once I step up to the mic, a quiet that I know I have to fill with words of meaning. it is not enough to play a pretty melody--but rather, the power of speaking to those that are actually listening is a provoking thought is far more precious. I always see the nervousness as something that hinders, hinders me from passing the song into their hands the way that it should be, as perfect as I feel it should sound. but I'm beginning to think that I prefer the nervousness that comes with it--in any case it makes me more real. when I finish the performance, it is not with a flourish, a grand finale, usually it is with relief that my time being critiqued is over with. what grips me about the experience is the joy that lingers in my mind at being able to share these words, of not holding back simply because of my fears, and hoping that the words will go on to trigger more ideas, more appreciation for music, more desires to give the world something through words to hope for. more than debating, more than discussing, I see music as a testimony, a vulnerable one at that, of all that God has built in me and all that He has yet to do. I pray for the opportunity to realize this over and over again. in allowing me to captivate you with my songs, I pray God will captivate you with the heart behind it, this heart of mine that is in love with Him.

tribute to the happy little hedgehog

2008-01-19T18:04:00.000-08:00

I am in the midst of musical genius. There is nothing better than music improv--the notes are not held captive to any verse or line of lyrics--there are no flaws because everything is newly born--it had no previous pedestal to contend with. It revives you because you are following your own breaths, free to relax into the music where time exists without borders. There is no reason to stop and when it finally has ended the air fills up with words that are hollow because they lack the life that music bestows. I am flooded with the beauty of what has been created here and now. To witness this is almost as grand as creating it because I feel as if the self that I am in this musical state has been changed and moulded in some small way. Another thing that compells me to write is the act of worship I have glimpsed when those whom God has gifted have refused to only taste potential but to own it and that, my friends, is what this life is about--what worship is about when one no longer sees humanity because humanity has limits, but is able to sit back and see the higher glory behind it that is timeless and faithfully real.

wedding dress magic

2008-01-16T10:21:00.000-08:00

Noone was home but me. I went to the closet and took out the dress and put it on. I can not really describe the fullness of those few moments that I wore it--how beautiful and delicate I felt...I'm not the type of girl who considers herself a princess or has ever wanted to be referred to as a princess, but I confess that dress made me feel like I had stepped out of a fairytale of some sorts...Standing in the middle of my parents' bedroom, the long room-length mirror in front of me, I saw a vulnerability in myself, a desire to feel beautiful...and I did...I can't wait to walk down the aisle, hopefully a petal-scattered one, concealed behind my veil, with the words that I wrote for Jay playing in the background. I can't wait for him to lift back the veil and see all the joy and pure excitement reflected in my eyes...I can't wait to be his wife...I can't wait for the look on his face, and the quick breath he will take at the sight of his wife walking to meet him...When I took the dress off and put on my normal clothes, I felt like the colour in the room had slightly faded and things were normal again, like all the magic had trickled out of my reflection...I can't wait to try on my wedding dress again and again until the day I get to wear it with purpose.

Hollow

2007-11-29T08:12:00.000-08:00

At the moment I feel hollow. Like someone's carved out my insides, my emotions, my feelings and left me with this numbish rawness. I also feel sick, but that is probably due more to the flood of tears that hit me last night, leaving me headachy and exhausted. I really would just like to hide away somewhere, bury myself under somebody else's covers, secretly, not my own because I'd be found there. What do you do when you find yourself questioning a big piece of your life that's about to change forever? I feel like the rug of security that I wasn't even aware that I was sitting on, has been pulled out from under my feet and left me feeling shaky and sick. I realized last night that it's not a good idea to pretend that people can't let you down, can't make you hurt. Heartache is weird--it's all in my mind, well it feels like it but it becomes so quickly such a visible pain, it throws me for a loop.

I also realized, I can't live without God. He is the only unchanging thing in my life. I don't like change, I don't like the feeling of being uprooted, and I'll go on an adventure if I know I have the same stability to come home to. I'm not independent, my fears always seem to get the best of me---unless, I am first and foremost, God's. If He is the one I choose to worship, then part of that means I have to give Him control . . . Isaiah 30:15 "In repentence and rest you will be saved, quietness and trust is your strength." Well let me tell you, I have been gripping that verse so tightly the past few months. Learning to give God control is a continual repetitive process. I also have realized that without God at the core of my heart, I become a very bitter and angry person. Sad to say, swearing becomes a problem, and I put up solid walls all around me, and stop trusting. That is why I NEED God---why I can't live without Him. I love the Lord. He is my rock. I was listening to that song, "In Christ alone I stand" and I feel like it hits home, on so many levels.

I am so scared of the future, and of putting my heart out on the line, of desires that threaten things I hold great value to, of losing time, and yet I know that I HAVE TO TRUST GOD. He loves me, he sees where this journey I'm on is going, and I have to trust that. Fully. "For God has not given me a spirit of fear... but of a sound mind. . . " I forget the rest, but I know that God does not desire me to live in fear of the future, I also don't want to focus on it so much that I miss out on the beauty of the present. God I trust that you have given me desires to do counselling and possibly art therapy. I also trust that you have given Jay desires to fly, and to work with planes. Therefore, in bringing us together, you must have a plan for the two of us. Help me to not doubt you, Father.

"The steps of a man are established by the Lord, He delights in his way. If he stumbles, he will not be hurled headlong, because the Lord is the one who holds his hand." -Psalm

Isaiah 26:3: "You, O Lord, give a perfect peace, to those who hope and put their trust in You."

O God, pull me close to you in this time of uncertainty.

confessions of a class act fool

2007-09-09T09:08:00.000-07:00

I feel like shit. excuse my use of terms but there is a bitterness welling up inside of me right now and I thought that word might quell it but no. I feel so hard inside---like part of my heart has rusted over and I've just let it go to waste. it was easier at first---when I first walked away from God at the beginning of the summer. easy to shove Him out of my mind to make room for my own empty thoughts. we had come to a crossroads, that's the gist of it and He was asking me to obey Him and I tried---believe me, I did, but I got so sick of failing over and over like we Christians are used to and decided that I was sick of messing up and feeling vulnerable so I walked away. from Him and from all His principles and desires. blew them off for my own and where did it leave me---playing a role. probably the easiest one to play for a girl who's grown up in a church bubble, Christian schools, the whole dang essence of it all. throw in a few prayers for people here and there, play it all up like nothing's wrong..

and all along my heart is starting to harden. never experienced this before, at least not directed at God. sure I've blown up at Him before, blamed Him, cursed Him, but hardening myself against Him is an entirely different feeling. you start looking at life and other Christians through this veil. stuff they say about God, about His relevance and characteristics. it's like you're eavesdropping almost because while you're hearing it, your heart is closed to it and the thought keeps crossing my mind--'you actually believe that?'and then without emotion I think 'I used to believe that'. it's quite sad really reading this to myself. but quite true and I needed desperately to spit it out somewhere or I feel it will consume me because noone knows how low I've fallen, evidently not even me. after writing this--it's plain as day..this is no life to live.

I've been waiting around for school to start because for the first time this summer I got a taste of life without being spiritually fed. no christian camp to work at, no consistent bible study, church has lost appeal, and that crossroads I came to had a big sign that said 'without all this spiritual nourishing, will you choose Christ on your own?' to which my head replied yes, my heart replied maybe, and my actions replied no. so there you go---it's not that I've been hit with trials, huge traumas, but a question of integrity I suppose---Will I choose Christ over myself? most important question that defines Christianity and I have screwed myself over royally in choosing no.

there's a me that I know from what feels like forever ago but was only last year--a girl who was close to God's heart, who kept fellowship with other people, prayed for her boyfriend's heart and could actually see God working in her and those around her. that self seems so unobtainable from where I stand. and yet the part of me that is unhardened is the part that loves my fiance, and it is through my love for him that recently I have seen how much we need God--to strengthen our relationship. I want to build him up as a brother in Christ before I build him up as my fiance, and I can't possibly do that when I'm floundering around in the dark, wallowing in everything I've chosen over God.

I'm going to get hit hard on Monday I think, body slammed by God hopefully. and I do admit, I'm hopeful for a change. my tone has even changed througout this blog, started off so hard and bitter and I needed to express that because it is very real and not just a mood or emotion I've grabbed hold of to shock you. Satan just asked me to delight in shocking you but for once I think I'll resist. I signed up for a Christian life and discipleship class this semester because I knew I wouldn't get the benefit of chapel because I'm not there tuesday or wednesday mornings and now I'm hoping God will use that class to break me down. seriously, break me down because I feel like stone sometimes and this is not me--this is a twisted, perverted me that Satan has composed to do his work. and I've been so faithful to him this summer--it makes me sick.

why I am acting so helpless. God has equipped me with strength my whole life to fight battles--why did I give Him up so easily?? you can't tell me. I need you Jesus--to renovate me, please turn me inside out completely, I want to know you again. I read this verse at church this one sunday when God broke through the wall I had prepared for that sermon--it said:
"And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him, if indeed you continue in the faith, stable and steadfast, not shifting from the hope of the gospel that you heard." Col 1:21-23. That part about shifting from the hope---it hit me so hard I had completely forgotten the gospel, not in my head but by abandoning it in my heart..It was not just God I had let go, but Jesus's whole story and purpose. I had to be steadfast--I knew it, I had been wavering back and forth for so long. God kept breaking into what I had locked up and I couldn't--didn't want to hold him back. All this time I have been fighting God because of fears that I'll be exposed to Him and yet why am I afraid---if I can fight off God, what's stopping me from fighting Satan with God on my side.

I relent. HE IS THE TRUTH----THERE IS NOTHING OR NOONE GREATER THAN CHRIST ALONE. IN HIM I WILL STAND AND BE RECONCILED. FATHER FORGIVE ME. I SURRENDER ALL THIS HURT AND ANGER AND BITTERNESS AND FEAR--I WANT TO CHOOSE CHRIST OVER MYSELF. PLEASE JESUS, HELP ME SURROUND MYSELF WITH YOU AND YOU ABOVE ALL ELSE. I AM NOTHING, FATHER. "THEREFORE AS YOU RECEIVED CHRIST JESUS THE LORD SO WALK IN HIM, ROOTED AND BUILT UP IN HIM AND ESTABLISHED IN THE FAITH, JUST AS YOUR WERE TAUGHT, ABOUNDING IN THANKSGIVINGS." Col. 2:6-7. You will not understand that verse until you have lost it for a while and God gives the knowledge back to you as a gift. I receive it Father. thankyou.

tis grand to be engaged...

2007-07-20T15:05:00.000-07:00

soo....I'm officially engaged...here's the story:

June 16th, 2007
That Saturday was planned to be a special date b/c we hadn't been on a special one for ourselves in awhile...so i didn't suspect anything when Jay pulled up w/ flowers on the seat and gummies---i'm used to his romantic ways :grins: Our plan was to go flying on a float plane and go out to a random island---at least I thought it was random :heehee:....so Jay lands us in this gorgeous cove and as we get closer to shore I see this little beach area, and there's cliffs to our right and Jay says something about how his friend recommended this spot cuz there's some good jumps off the cliffside. So we get out and pull the float plane up to shore, and Jay tells me to get up on one of the floats so we can tie it down or something...he goes to grab something from the plane and I didn't even notice cuz I was so fascinated by our surroundings. He came back around the front of the plane and stood in the water right below me and his right hand was behind his back and he said, "Can you answer one question for me? If you answer this one question I promise you'll have an amazing day!" in my head i'm like huh and then i see him start to go down on one knee in the water and i'm like 'oh my gosh oh my gosh' in my head and he says 'Will you marry me?" so much is rushing thru my head---like 'how i know Jay knows i'm going to say yes and how this feels like a movie and not real at all and i blurt out 'of course!' and then i'm thinking 'i never say of course that sounds so cheesy and then so I said 'Yes!"

....man the day was absolutely perfect. his parents gave us an old fashioned vintage style picnic basket as a present and a quilt blanket and Jay spread it all out and made me close my eyes and brought out sparkling grape juice (he was flying so he couldn't have alcohol :grins:) and he kept pulling suprises out of the basket the whole day.....chocolate mousse....my fav cheese, grapes, chocolate covered strawberries.....and then we went exploring and climbed up on all these boulders and took pics, and then went swimming out to a rock that was sticking up above the water---sigh ----it was such an adventure this kid is perfect for me...

and then we found a ledge on the cliffside and climbed up to the top and sat and relaxed/kissed for a while :grins: and Jay jumped off the huge cliff and i climbed down to a smaller ledge and he threw me off and we swam back to the plane and lay down on the blanket for a bit w/ the chocolate strawberries and Jay had built a fire so it warmed us right up.....and then we spent the rest of the day there and flew back to the river where we had taken off from....it was soooo surreal....its still surreal....and the ring is beautiful...everytime i see it i'm like oh my goodness i'm engaged :biggest grin ever:!! so that's the story....tis a grand one...and so we're getting married June 28th ,2008....good times yo...:)

sun-soaker

2007-04-19T11:36:00.000-07:00

I am a sun-soaker.
casually accepting my invitation
to a luxury windowsil
where I find a robe of light
thrown around my shoulders
by a warm and dear friend.
give me no vacant conversations
to pass the time;
only let me sit, and soak, and shine.
I am a sun-soaker.

I am a sun-soaker.
my back against the glass that
sends tingles to my toes.
not chills as you may perceive
but thoughts of summer on my doorstep
tapping light as she may please.
I am a sun-soaker.

I am a sun-soaker.
it is true.

teach me

2007-04-03T18:19:00.000-07:00

teach me Father to follow you.
to crave the complex simplicity of giving oneself to the cause.
to glorify You is to walk in your footsteps.
by faith, not by sight.
I love you Jesus.

I found her quite fascinating.

2007-03-29T07:18:00.000-07:00

Wednesday, March 28th, 2007

I woke up this morning feeling happy. It was a good emotion to feel after yesterdays ups and downs. My social work class required me to do a project on a place that offered social services and my partner, Sharon, had chosen the Bayview extended care just down the street from the place I was staying at. I got there a bit earlier than Sharon and found myself surrounded by older people sitting here and there in the reception area. I felt a little intimidated at first, what would I say? I wanted so much to connect to these people, to be able to them and perhaps be a witness of Christ to them. Sharon arrived shortly after and we met with Elisha, the social worker there, to discuss questions and get a tour and a feel for the place. As we were walking I felt this overwhelming love for these people and I knew that Jesus had placed it in me. Elisha introduced us to a woman named Agnes who usually showed off her room to people who were visiting as she had added some of her things to make it homey. As we stood there in this tiny space, with bits and pieces of her home life around the room, listening to her explain how hard it was to transition because you miss your own place, I felt so weighed down by it all, and I could feel tears pricking at my eyes. I don’t attribute these tears to the emotional state that I’ve been in lately, but to something much deeper; I felt as if Jesus was letting me into His heart for this woman, and it pained me to see her stuck in this place. We said our goodbyes and just before we left the room, I turned back and told her that I really admired her strength for adjusting to this place and being able to make it her own. She said it was all about the attitude and I wanted to cry for her, for this situation she was in, simply because she was old.

The next distinct lady that we visited was Mrs. Mulloch, a lady who shared a room with another woman named Rachel. We came in to find her sitting on her bed, bright red lipstick tracing her lips, and a necklace of bright blue beads around her neck. She answered questions about living there, how she enjoyed it, and how she and Rachel got along although she had very different backgrounds, as Rachel was born in North Africa, and Mrs. Mulloch in Canada. We left her to finish off the tour and ended up back at the waiting room where I met an older man named Arthur who was from England. I mentioned that I was born in England also and he smiled, revealing a few twisted, and typically English teeth. We talked about how long we had lived there for a bit and then Elisha came back to give us the final pieces of info that we needed. I wanted so badly to go back and talk to Agnes one-on-one as she had been so bright and brave in her homey little room. Elisha seemed suprised that we simply wanted to go back and talk but she relented and took us back to Agnes’s and Mrs. Mulloch’s room. Agnes’s door was closed so I went to talk to Mrs. Mulloch while Sharon went off to talk to someone else.

At first our conversation was stifled by the formality of my visit. She wanted to know what information I needed exactly, where I was there, and who did I work for. After answering her questions, I began to ask her about herself, her background. She answered my questions but told me I’d have to speak more directly and be specific, and it became obvious to me that she considered my visit only part of a requirement. I told her, I’m interested in you, in those pretty blue beads you’re wearing. That comment sparked a story about a play she’d been to once where she sat in the front row and the actress afterwards told her that those blue beads had been something she’d fixated her eyes on the whole play. It was so neat to get this piece of story out of her. She found it humourous that I was so interested in her, but didn’t seem to understand still what I wanted to know. She told me that her son and his family had gone to America for a week and put her in the care centre so that she would eat well, and when they came back, she had to give up her car as her son didn’t want her to get in any accidents, and it was really hard to give up driving, and that after she had ended up staying here because the care was so much better than what she could do for herself on her own. I asked her about what job she did, if she went to university, and she talked about getting a job from a lady in Toronto and how it was harder then for girls to get jobs, and how she’d ended up working doing typewriting, but as soon as she’d finished she said, “Well there’s nothing really interesting or fascinating about me, I’m just a normal person.” “What do you mean?” I said. “You have a story, everything’s an adventure if you make it into one.” It was after this that she said something that pulled tears into my eyes again. She said, “I’m flattered that you would come back. You’re the first person who has come back into my room to just talk.” She explained that her room was usually shown off because she lived with another person but that noone had wanted to come back and just talk to her. It suprised me because she was so friendly I assumed that people actually would stay and talk to her, not just look at her room, and yet it wasn’t so. We walked out together and she showed me where she ate, at the same table, with the same people. At one point earlier she had said, “I’m going to go to lunch now and tell the people that I sit with that you thought I was interesting and a fascinating and they are going to laugh so hard”, to which I replied, “well, anything you tell me is fascinating, it’s your story, and I don’t know any of it, so it’s all interesting to me.” She took me to the menu and we looked at the two options of meals and I pointed out that the strawberry sauce with pound cake looked good, at which she lit up and said , “Yes, I’ll prolly have that.” It was with that she reached out and took my hand and said again how flattered she was, and I asked if I chose to drop by another Wednesday and see her, if that would be ok, to which she was quite agreeable. We said goodbye and I made my way back to the front desk, not without passing a few people I had met earlier such as a man named, Sam whose eye was blurry because raspberry jam had been squirted into it. I told him it was a good story to tell.

I walked out of that place feeling so much love for those people that had briefly touched my life. I was only there for an hr and a half and yet God took me and used me in this place. Here I am, this emotional girl who has let myself become so burdened down with stress and crap that I lost sight of God for awhile. And yet, He gave me people yesterday and last night to pray with me and let me know that He loves me, and then this morning He puts me in a place where I can show that love of His to these beautiful older people. I found this verse that is so encouraging.

Ephesians 3:16-19:
“. . .he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith–that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.”

I have discovered this year so much that sometimes you can’t truly feel God’s love until He pushes you to express it to other people....It is truly an amazing experience. My friend Julie-Anne has been encouraging me to “Walk by faith, not by sight” and I really feel like that is playing out in my life right now. “That you may be filled with all the fullness of God” (verse 19) is a definite prayer of mine, that weighs on my heart for myself and for those who read this, and most definitely for people such as Mrs. Mulloch.

fragile but God is sufficient

2007-03-29T07:17:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Psalm 138
Though I walk in the midst of trouble,
you preserve my life;
you stretch out your hand against
the wrath of my enemies,
and your right hand delivers me.
The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me,
your steadfast love, O LORD, endures forever.
Do not forsake the work of your hands.

I want so so much to believe that right now...I feel so fragile, like something broken that keep getting put back together but is easily prone to shattering at the slightest mishap. My head hurts so much right now from all the tears I’ve let slip out. My intention was to stick close to God and lean on Him but I can’t seem to stay happy for long periods of time. It started with the weekend and a whole load of stressful things piling themselves up in my mind and refusing to back down. Monday was by far the worst day I’ve had in awhile. I felt sick, exhausted and separate from myself. I didn’t care about myself in any way..I think my emotions were bordering on depression. And yet God shone through. He gave me friends to pray with and let me know that I am truly not alone in my struggles. I am holding tight to that verse in Ps 138 that says so bodly,
“The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me.” Father, show me this purpose you speak of, I believe it is an on-going purpose to love others as Christ does and to trust God, but I also know that God has specific purposes for me to place in His hands and not try to blindly run with. Father forgive me for my doubts, I love you.

City love

2007-03-13T05:34:00.000-07:00

"life in the country
sweet memory
simple kid far from the city
still the best of me"--Unknown

Moving from South Caronlina suburbs into Ontario countryside wasn't quite as difficult as I'd intially imagined. Back in South Carolina, I used to drive my old Ford Taurus out to the lakefront, my guitar in the backseat, and sprawl out on the scratched and worn red hood, feeling as if I had all the time in the world to soak in the eternity of the sky. . The beauty of the clouds as they caught up with the colours captivated my senses and it was there that God was most real to me. .The other place that God was most real to me was the beach.

"I'm sitting here on the shore,
I cast my eyes against the glare,
gray angels plummet,
skim the sea and soar into the air.
This canvas of blues,
no stage could give a better seat,
the sky's not just above me,
it's reflected at my feet. . .
I whisper to the wind,
as it tousles my hair,
I trace footprints against the glimmer of the sun,
until they are no longer there."-B.W

Anyways, you get the point, I feel God's embrace through His creation. Since I've moved out to Uxbridge, Ontario, I have fully fallen in love with the countryside..Big gorgeous skies, man it fascinates me.

So on Wednesday evenings, upon finding myself in the city of Toronto, closeted by buildings thrusting their sharp and domineering figures into the sky, I feel a bit turned off by it all, to be quite honest. At least I used to feel that way until lately. There is nothing captivating to me that touches me the way the sky does. sure, the city impresses me with its high quality structures. But it is only recently that God has been opening my eyes to beauty within the city. A couple weeks ago I was riding the subway, and reflecting on the fact that I missed seeing God's beautiful creation. It was at that point that I felt God say, "Look at my people I've created. You're surrounded by them. There is so much variety and beauty in my creation." It was a stunning realization. And yet I found it hard to put into practice at first. I began to observe people and their different features but after I had established that there were many different faces, I just couldn't feel the same appreciation that I did for God's nature.

God encountered me a week or so later through two different very different people, in two different places and circumstances within the city. It was through these encounters that I saw Jesus enter the city, and point out the beauty of God's creation to me through these people. Since these encounters, God has opened my heart up to the city, and now I go with the hope that He will prompt me in some way to share His love with His creation. It is a beautiful seed that has been planted in my heart. I can't wait to see how God will further this city love.

a reminder

2007-03-07T19:46:00.000-08:00

a reminder of part of why I fell in love with God.

silliness followed by revelation

2007-03-07T19:27:00.000-08:00

I'm in one of those horrible, feel sorry for myself moods in which I question everything around me, my purpose/life itself/my faith/relationships. it's no good I tell you. and yet I can't shake it off this weight--it has sunk its teeth in and i feel so restless with myself. i feel lost. 20 minutes or so ago I lay down on the couch with my head in my hands and wanted to cry, with efforts to understand myself floating around in my head and no conclusions surfacing i gave up. thinking back on a conversation i had today with a friend about fulfillment and how God is fulfilling me right now. yea well this mood has thrown that feeling out the window. I know there is a spiritual battle that my heart goes through every minute and I've been so fixated on the big struggles lately that I've forgotten the everyday war...God is so real to me today and yet I can sit here and question who I really am? I suppose that question will submerge and resurface continually throughout my life. I really have no answer for this horrific splurge of self-pity and so I will resort to a verse.
k I randomly flipped to a Psalm. before I spill its contents onto this blog I have to question..how can a Psalm be so close to this situation and yet seem so far at the same time:
Ps 16
"Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge. I say to the Lord, "You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you."
I skimmed the rest but am only in the mood to type out this part. I think this verse is the basis for countering everything I'm questioning/feeling.
"Preserve me, O God."
"for in you I take refuge."
"You are my Lord."
"I have no good apart from you."
Nothing in my life right now could be considered good if it were not for what Christ has done, is doing, and will continue to do through and in me.

I have to apologize for this ramble. The only reason I won't delete it is b/c I'm sure it will run through my mind again and I'll need to read this to see what an idiot I'm being.
I have to apologize to and thank God for, Reva ---here you are trying to cope with what your mom's going through and leaning heavily on God to make it and here I am questioning who I am and who God is all because of a terrible mood. God, I thankyou for beautiful strong women like Reva and her mom who love you.

The mood has left, all in a matter of seconds with the realization of my ignorance. God is so real to me. even today He taught me so much through some different experiences and how willing I was to throw those memories away with the mood I preferred to dwell on. God is truly whom I take refuge in. "Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge. I say to the Lord, "You are my Lord." I have no good apart from you." Thankyou Jesus for the good that You are to me.

O Captive daughter of Zion

2007-03-07T07:41:00.001-08:00

God led me to this verse the other day in Isaiah:
Isaiah 52:1-2
“Awake, awake, put on your strength, O Zion;
put on your beautiful garments,
O Jerusalem, the holy city;
for there shall no more come into you the uncircumcised
and the unclean.
Shake yourself from the dust and arise;
be seated, O Jerusalem;
loose the bonds from your neck,
O captive daughter of Zion.”

Somtimes I feel that last line describes me "O captive daughter of Zion", captive in the struggles I face when I'm not looking to God to lead me. I feel like the "beautiful garments" He is urging Zion to put on, for me, are the things that God has created in me to be beautiful, that sin has perverted. Parts of me that God wants to use to further His glory and yet sin is constantly trying to ravish, and when I give in, I only make it worse. When it says "loose the bonds from your neck" and "shake off the dust"---it gives me so much encouragement, reminding me that God set me free when He sent Jesus Christ to die on the cross and there is so much beauty in that.

May He set you free.

story: Drowning

2007-02-15T16:33:00.000-08:00

The night was drenched in an unusual emotion. A mix of anticipation but I could feel underneath a sense of dread, or something darker. We could feel it clenched in our hands---at any point we were free to unleash it, this tainted freedom. We walked down the footstep-ridden road til we found it---the lake. Something about it always pulled us back. The first glimpse of it was always different but enticing. Its surface glittered and I felt its pull. Already an invitation. Walking down to the water's edge, we slipped off our sandals. I put my bag and my Bible on shore and as the Bible touched the sand, I felt a small tug as if my fingers were connected to it, as if I shouldn't let go. But I shrugged it off. That was silly, how could I take my Bible in. The water was clear in the shallows, we knew exactly where we were stepping. The coolness of it brushed against our skin, it felt good, as it always did. We edged our way in deeper until we were swimming, our feet occasionally touching the bottom for assurance. The water started to get darker and darker and as I glanced back at the shore, my gaze caught my Bible and I heard a subtle whisper, "Come back." Only the wind, I told myself and kept on swimming. We slid smiles back and forth between our swimming strokes. The water held me tighter and tighter until we stopped, gasping for breath. It was then that we started to sink. At first it was a beautiful feeling, quite undescribable, a thrill of the moment. My lungs strained with the luxury of it. Suddenly, in a slap of scary reality, it hit me. We were drowning. Or rather, I was watching us drown. At some point I had slipped out of myself during the confusion. Our faces were caught in desperate grimaces and I began to panic, trying to shout at him--at her (or me, rather). Why couldn't they respond. I looked down and saw the water's darkness had taken on the shape of hands, fingers that were pulling at their clothes. Why couldn't they see. I swam upwards until I broke the surface. My eyes were drawn to the shore, to where my Bible had been, only I couldn't really see because it was so bright and I heard a voice, "Come back to me, I will save you, come back my sons, my daughters." I realized what they needed to break the surface, to see His light, His warmth. I took a breath and slid under the surface again only to back away in shock. There were thousands of people drowing, their faces twisted in grimaces. Some with crosses on their necks, t-shirts, grimy smiles plastered on their faces. For as far as I could see they were all caught by the dark fingers that held them from beneath. I swam back up and cried out, "Help me Father I cannot stop this." In an instant the light flickered then, shone outwards brighter than before so bright I had to shut my eyes. I heard a noise from beneath the surface, a deafening sound like thunder and the water felt colder than it ever had. Suddenly, the thunder died and I opened my eyes to find myself back in my body, crumpled on what had been the lake but now was an endless shore. The other people had disappeared and it was only us two again. His face mirrored the shame I could feel stretching across my own. The light was gone and I finally looked up to find my Bible, hoping it hadn't disappeared with it all. In its place was a cross, with handprints all over it, scratches along its sides and as I reached out to touch it I felt an overwhelming sadness wash over me and I snatched my hand back and smashed it into the sand. I saw myself for what I was and part of me wanted to be back, drowning. Or did I? These thoughts were not my own, but dangerous pieces of what I thought was ok. We gathered up the pieces quickly and buried them, out of sight, out of mind, right? Wrong. My shoulders felt so heavy, weighted down with disgust and I wondered if I had imagined all the other people. I must be the worst sinner on earth. Noone else could be as bad as------the thought was interrupted as people began to appear all around me, shame etched on their faces, bodies crumpled, hands drawn around knees. Oh, our pitiful efforts to disguise our sin. I got up slowly and tried to walk away but my feet wouldn't move, and remained in place, my body pointed at the cross. It was then I realized. Not only did my Saviour rescue me, He loved me in this moment. There was no way he would allow my shoulders to bear my burdens any longer. I knelt down and the words slipped from my lips, pulling the burden off my shoulders, "Forgive me Father. I surrender this." It was in this broken moment that I felt His love flowing through me. It lifted my head to look at the cross and I felt my Bible back in my hand. I began to walk away with a strength I had not felt at one point in that night and as I glanced over my shoulder I began to see His love spreading. People were kneeling, heads were lifted, and they were standing, one by one, He took them in His arms and freed them.

a couple days later I was walking down a road. something beyond the trees caught my eye, a glittering substance of some sort. it was the lake. a different road, a different place. I felt a thrill run through me, but as I glanced down I saw the Bible in my hands and the warmth of it quelled the thrill in an instant. my mind was drawn back to that night and I made my decision. walking quickly with my head down I passed the lake with all the strength I could muster. I knew I would find myself drowning again. it was certain to happen. but I would try to surrender. I will surrender.

>for those of you who are struggling know that you are not alone. Jesus is real to deliver us from it. We must, must surrender as much as we can. Amen.<

good kid

2007-02-06T06:41:00.000-08:00

Good kid

it’s hard being a good kid. Why? Cuz I’m not. This Sunday I was scheduled to sing a song for communion, but Sunday morning rolled around and I felt trampled. Called a friend to see if she could fill in for me and when she asked why I told her my heart wasn’t in the right place. I don’t want to be up there pretending to be this good girl singing this good song when I’m not. It was at this that she pointed out the obvious. The best time for God to use you is when you’re broken. When you’ve confessed something that’s beyond your control and you feel completely unworthy to be near God. She recounted a similar time when she had to play piano for a church and she felt shattered and it was then that she felt God take complete control and used the music as an expression of Him. What if I break down in front of everyone? I asked. She told me that God would be with me through it all and I knew His voice is stronger than anything I could sing anyway.

Confided in another friend before the service and she took me to her office to pray with me. She again affirmed that if I had confessed what I did before God then all I could do now was to be humbled before Him and receive His love. She said that all the things in my mind that were telling me to get out of it, that I wasn’t worthy, and that I couldn’t change how I felt were not God’s voice. She prayed that if I hadn’t before, that I would finally understand what it meant to truly receive God’s forgiveness and the freedom that came through that. She felt like she should anoint my forehead with oil, and she did in the name of Jesus Christ.

The first service I got up to sing, and other than a bit of trouble with the mic slipping down, felt like it was ok. That God could use me after all. After the service, two ladies came up to express how they got chills all over from the song and it felt so rewarding to see that God touched people through my brokenness.

The second service was completely different. I actually felt God’s presence through the song and his power belting out through the words. I felt a confidence I’ve never experienced with singing in front of people and He drew me to Himself through my own words.

Looking back I see now that in the 1st service He humbled me and from that, in the 2nd I was able to receive His love and power. Interestingly enough, when I was initially broken the 1st time I didn’t feel like the song was that great for other people around me, it was just a song. But so many people commented on it, whereas for the 2nd when I felt strong and confident barely any people said anything and I think it was because God was showing me that when I felt most weak and unready to sing, He blessed other people through my music and when I felt stronger and ready, He blessed me. The beauty of that is something I only realized just now so I had to write it down for keepsakes.

“Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.” Ps 19:14

“I love you, O LORD, my strength. The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised, and I am saved from my enemies.” Ps 18:1-3

“May the LORD answer you in the day of trouble!” Ps 20:1

“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.” Ps 51:10

I leave you with the knowledge that it is so, so hard to be a good kid. And that is why God is faithful to restore, create, strengthen, and forgive.

Beth almost rhymes with chef

2007-01-19T11:00:00.000-08:00

I have a confession: I, Beth Whitaker, when it comes to cooking, am hopelessly lost.

The recipe book that I bought myself contains two recipes, and I've only made one of the two: Chocolate mousse. :grins:

I just made myself lunch and realized that it's probably not a good thing that when I sit down to pray I end up praying that God would somehow make my meal taste good.

I've been thinking about the future and how someday :grins: I'll be a wife and part of being a wife to me means cooking for your husband. I used to just think I'd marry a chef and then I wouldn't have to worry about cooking. But I like making things for people and since I'm going to marry Jay (who is not a chef), I should probably get on with the whole amazing cook thing. Problem is, it's not as easy as it looks. I thought you can just throw in stuff here and there but I'm learning that instructions are there for a reason. In anything I learn, however, I don't like following the instructions. I'd rather just improvise and be good. Trouble is that the final effect is usually not quite what I'd imagined. My talents from previous concoctions as a child include giant freezie slushes, milkshakes, and melted cheese on chips. . .so my background doesn't exactly go over well with the whole cooking thing. Another point about the wife thing is that Jay's mom is an amazing cook so now only do I have to cook, I have to be amazing. sigh. the future looks sketch.

and yet there is HOPE! My reason?
: 1) my mom didn't learn to cook until she got married and the stuff she makes is amazing!! 2)Jay can cook some stuff--not sure what exactly tho 3)this is the most important: a bunch of my friends get together usually once a week on tuesdays b/n classes and make dinner so I asked for cooking lessons and they're up for it so I'm excited. Actually, I borrowed a recipe for this pasta the other night from them and made it Monday night for my fam = SUCCESS! The plan is to make my fam dinner every Monday night. .so it should be interesting. :grins:

So, with future cooking successes and failures at my door, I will keep you up to date on whether there continues to be hope or not. As for today's lunch, maybe I was just analyzing it too much, but I have decided that fried leftover pasta with cheese and tomatoes is 1)not the easiest thing to eat as the pasta sticks out every which way when you try to put it in your mouth 2)although yummily cheesy it tasted a bit greasy 3)the recipe in the book looked much tastier than how mine turned out. .sigh..so I think I will refrain from that lunch in the future.

ps. If anyone has good recipes/funny cooking stories, fill me in. :grins: thanks

I'm hopeless, you can't help but grin.

2007-01-03T12:54:00.000-08:00

I am in North Bay for an adventure!

But judging by the expression on the store owner's face when I asked where the mall was, there isn't much to see. Course I knew that from my last visit---but this time I'm here cuz Jay started school and I've still got a week off.. Naturally, I'll have a blast when he's around, but its the hours in between those times that it's up to me for an adventure. . hence the fact that it's been lacking thus far. . I've discovered I'm fine in an empty house I can entertain myself but when venturing out in Jay's car to any particular place I feel awfully lonely at the sight of all the other ppl milling around. . so anyways I shall be recording the events of the next three days, 1) to have something to do , 2)b/c somethings are funny to tell , 3)why not. .

Wed. :
- slept last night on a pull-out couch = no sleep
- hung out with Jay
- got a little tour of part of his school--the hangar was the sweetest part, with all these planes and helicopters Jay gets to work on. .makes me almost want to learn so I could fiddle around with stuff.. but i'm hopeless when it comes to technical stuff.
- left Jay at school and decided to go exploring> this is where the first plan failed. . didn't know where to go, ended up at Zellers figuring I'd just hang out there a bit and look at cards-- CARDS?!--what a loser. .that got boring quick so I went and asked directions to a mall...asked for them at least 3 times from the same person as my head didn't not seem to be processing anything.
- drove down some road then got scared that I'd end up on a highway --what?!--anyways chickened out and went back to the house
- got the bright idea to make cookies for the boys--WORST PLAN EVER. . Round 1 = a mass of frizzled chocolate and dough as it all spread out. .my mistake was in putting butter on the baking tray---before you judge, I remembered that from baking a cake once, sigh, clearly butter and cookies = a

sea of burnt mess..
- scooped it off and put it in a bag b/c I didn't know if the trash can under the sink really was a trash can or not, so now it looks like poo in a bag...no joke..
Round 2 = after calling my sister and affirming that the butter was the problem I scrubbed the stupid pan clean and tried again. = another mass of frizzled chocolate only this time it was 8 cookies involved rather than 6---WHY OH WHY WAS I SO CONFIDENT IN MYSELF--moral: never be confident in yourself when you know you shouldn't be. so I frantically oh yea, and then the bag of chocolate poo got stuck to the pan and melted so I had to peel that off.

sigh. so now that I have concluded that it is not the butter, I do not know what to do. therefore I have made a wise decision. NO COOKIES. they can eat the dough or figure out how to make them themselves. ai yi yi. what with the bag of choc-poo in their trash can and the kitchen towel that I've ruined I don't really know if cookie dough will be enough to make it up. sigh. I'm hopeless, you can't help but grin.

Thurs:
-the morning involved sleeping/making new posts on my blog
-the rest of the day was random stuff nothing particularly exciting
-but that night after waking Jay up, I gathered a group of daring adventurerers for a night escapade to a railroad graveyard. Jay and I had discovered it last August when I was up visiting but since I figured it would be a buttload more creepier at night so we decided to go in a group. turns out everyone forgot the whole point of being quiet since we were trespassing. man it was sweet tho. smashed up railroad cars flipped on their side and pieces of crazy stuff everywhere. When Jay and I 1st went, there had been a cable car that was right-side up and since the door was unlocked we walked thru and it was this sweet kitchen area with the glass all smashed up and cannon balls everywhere. in our night adventure, however, we found it ripped to bits and flipped on its side. dude it was creepy all these piles of broken pieces of train parts and who knew what kinda crazy person could be living here. on our August adventure we had climbed up onto one of the railroad cars and planned to show the group but we got split off from them and they went back a diff way so that plan flopped. I found that I'm mostly all talk about those sort of adventures. i mean, I was all eager to go but when I put myself in the midst of it my imagination totally starts playing tricks on me and I get all worried. but the night was sweet, I'd do it again anytime (provided Jay was with me) :grins: . despite sludging through thick mud and grime, it was a good adventure. groovy.

Friday:
- spent the morning napping, then the afternoon watching some random old movie on tv. Picked up Jay at 3:30 and before we went back home we decided to check out these waterfall trails that we went exploring at back in the summer. man it was crazy beautiful because there was so much snow mixed with ice, covering the rocks with bits of moss sticking out here and there. the waterfall itself was so fast, throwing itself off each edge but it was so beautiful.

All in all the week made for some good times. Can't complain. Had fun with my man as usual, an adventure here and there.

The End.

a swinter day [a short story]

2007-01-02T08:10:00.000-08:00

after packing as many layers on as I could I started off, toddling down the road on what felt like an adventure simply because of the sheer fact that I hadn't taken a simple walk in ages. . you can make pretty much anything an adventure if you put things in that perspective. . the day was deliciously bright, the skies puffed up with the purest of white to complement the sturdy blue background and the colours all around me seemed to be sporting a summer look, with the shadows leaving plenty of room for the sun to light up the fields. . it was breathtaking. .and yet the one thing that peeled away the label of summer was the chill-driven wind that would sweep in, grabbing wisps of my hair out of my scarf and stroking its cold fingers across my face..it was at this I would shudder and retreat further into my layers and yet its bitter cold could not turn me back because the scene before me spoke of better invitations than a retreat to my house. .

. .and so I continued along concession 6, through the stop sign marking sandford road's meeting place with concession 6 and straight on down the worn gravel. . my destination cannot be described as a place but possibly more as an event, or a thing. . in fact, it was actually unknown, the exact place in which my feet would stop and circle back around towards my house. . and so with this unknown anticipation in mind I continued on my way, scanning the road ahead for any sign of a figure. . the first figure I came upon was an older man who started off from his house down his driveway until I was able to perceive that we would pass each other at exactly the same moment- - he caught by the task of unmasking whatever his mailbox had to offer, and I caught in the line of passing him, and so I offered up a cheerful hello before we reached the crossing point in hope of a friendly neighborly exchange (as seems so common in the country and pleasantly delightful). . he responded with the same and as he reached for the mailbox he commented on the cold wind that had pushed its way into the day and (perhaps into his bones), remarking that it hindered a nice walk, and yet I smiled informing him that the wind was at my back as of now, not so much of an enemy as it would be on my way back. . his eyebrows went up at the thought - -perhaps it had escaped his mind, the thought of a pleasentry walk on a day like this, perhaps he simply assumed I had an immediate destination. . either way, we waved goodbye and I continued on my way. .

. . maybe I should explain the event of my destination so that you will not be concerned as to whether my mind had frozen and had me wandering aimlessly about on a country road until I felt the need to turn. . no rather, the point of my walk was to meet a friend, Robyn Huizenga to be exact and though we knew that we would both set off from our houses at 1 o'clock and both head towards each other, we knew not where the meeting place of initial contact would be. .it was a delightful suprise that kept me from counting down the mailboxes I had to pass, or worrying about the time. .[I wonder if more people made appointments in this way, if people would be less frantic about meeting and more observant of the delight of the occasion--although I do presume that on a city street it could be more stressful, as there are thousands of people destined to catch your eye or attention in place of the clouds and trees this day that caught mine]. . it was after awhile of some aimless scanning that my eyes zeroed in on a particular black dot that appeared to possibly be just another mailbox lining the road, and yet my mind felt as though it could be something else, a person perhaps--possibly Robyn herself. . my eyes were so focussed on this spec that when it seemed to waver as it if was in motion, I had to rub my eyes to make sure I was seeing right. . perhaps it was just the light glancing off the road that made its wavering seem so obvious and yet so faint-- I could not put my finger on any certain possibility and so I continued to watch it. .bit by bit it became more wiggly and as it took on a shape the angle in which it faced me made it appear as if it was imitating a penguin's waddly walk- -in fact the humour of it flicked my imagination into the movie Mary Poppins where all the cartoon penguins appear and I thought of the millions of movies where children simple imagine a character appearing and suddenly it comes alive for them. .I admit, I tried it for a moment thinking my imagination could conjure it up for a second or two. . and it worked for a second, a penguin appeared mirroring the smile on my face and for a split second I was tempted to conjure up a few more, but then the fields beside me caught my eye and the magic was lost in the reality of the silliness I was entertaining. .

. .so I brought my concentration back to the figure itself, still a waddling show of motion. .as it got closer I began to see that the root of the figure were looking more like feet, or boots rather, quickly slipping in and out of the line in which the shape was following. . I waved, a quick sweep of a wave, not really to get a definite reaction but just to see if it would wave back, this little grey-black apparition, that became seemingly more real the closer it got to me. . eventually I got to the point where the figure became a possible Robyn, and with another wave she started running towards me. . I felt caught between running myself, telling her she doesn't have to run and yet I continued to casually approach thinking how odd it felt to walk towards someone you knew you were meeting and yet it was feeling of suprise all throughout. . as she got closer and closer I could see the color black defined as a grey coat and the motion behind her head consisted of her hair flapping wildly in the wind, drawn back behind her by the rush of the run. . we finally met, stopping at our destination to greet with reflected honest smiles and a hug, followed by a rush of greetings and wonder at the gorgeous day. .we turned around to head back along the road towards my house, a walk to be continued and yet though it was the same road, it had hardly the same feel. . looking back I realize I can't even pinpoint the place in which we chose to turn back, the importance of the meeting place was brushed aside by the importance of our greeting. .the walk back to my house was delightful not because of the walk itself (as now--the destination was not a suprise) but rather the exchanges of conversation that we let the wind snatch, here and there. . it was first about the scenery, and then about the friend, with all the normal instinctive planning replaced by the sponaeity of the day itself. . that gorgeous swinter day. . .

my sanity has eloped

2006-12-14T14:59:00.000-08:00

never thought they'd actually go through with it...I've caught glimpses of the reality of it, throughout the day...hints here and there, a few passed notes and though I managed to snag one, upon opening it I found only scribbles..

it seems my sanity has run off with my brain. I suppose you could see it from my sanity's point of view. after watching my brain slug its way painfully through exam after exam, it just couldn't take it anymore..somewhere in between the 'historical occasion of Galatians' and the 'literary nature of Revelation', the scaffold fell, crumpling my thoughts up with it, slicing off any extra room in my brain for notes to fit.

and so I sit here, in a bottomless pit of a library with only an elope story to spill out on the keyboard..with my brain gone it's quite peaceful and yet my sanity's absence is making me a bit delusional I think. time can pass by quite reasonably without much effort and I am quite happy to float along with it, having studied for the past 7 hours with no real breaks.

yay freedom has come in the form of my boyfriend to kidnap me.peace.

locked

2006-11-26T17:48:00.000-08:00

stories:
-once at a christian youth centre I went to the bathroom while there was a concert and when I locked the door, the door knob fell off in my hand..meanwhile the concert had ended and they were just beginning the 'talk' and i wasn't about to start yelling in front of all those kids that I was locked in the bathroom...with some frantic whispers to my friend outside the door and a desperate effort to shove the doorknob back on, it opened. Thankyou Father.

-my sister got locked in the bathroom today for like 20mns..yelling and whining that the room was getting hotter and hotter...my dad finally freed her.darn.

THE END

[when inspired I shall write some more stories]

:grins:

2006-11-06T12:16:00.000-08:00

my tribute to those I miss

2006-11-04T14:08:00.000-08:00

in a missing mood....I miss...
..Emily Jones--all our good talks, picking up wherever we left off--girl I have been praying for you..

..Catherine Treme--Cat, you have no idea how much I miss just being able to call you you up and hang out and have a blast--good friends aren't always so accessible--can you please come up here and bring some good tunes so we can rock out!

..my fav spot on Thetis Island--this tree that resided in a particular cove, its branches curved around like two arms and I would climb up there to sit, feeling like God Himself was wrapping His arms around me

..Heather, Karin, and Lexi: girls I miss our talks, our pranks, our dance parties, our adventures--still blown away everytime I think about how God worked in us as sisters that amazing year..I miss sleeping on the dock and freezing our butts off, sneaking out to boys' cabins and stealing shoes and the look on their faces that next morning..the 'pen' dance...singing 'wade in the water' with laundry baskets on our heads..man I'm gonna write a whole other blog on chbc stuff that I miss I think--there's so much...

..Jess--my mentor, friend, sister in Christ--man you really really spoke so incredibly into my life all throughout high school and after..my goal is to be as good and as strong a leader for someone as you were for me

..warm South Carolinian weather...I hate the cold...don't think I'll ever cherish it.

..Folly Beach--sitting on the boardwalk playing guitar, walking along that gorgeous stretch of ocean and sky, dophins, surfing/boogieboarding..

..Janie--remember that time we were too young to sign for ourselves for surfing so that kayaker did it..ha that was the best..man I really miss your energy/craziness, good times.

..England--gorgeous countryside, farmhouse chock full of memories that pull me in no matter how old I am..

..concerts at NBT--man I miss DSB shows especially, rocking out, everyone singing/yelling the words, ppl jumping off stage, the lights, the crowd...it was a rush..

..pushing my sister in a barrel down a hill in the Village.

..Caitlin Wood--you were my first good girlfriend here and I still don't think you realize how much of a treasure your friendship has been to me...

..Jen --let's go back to the poo-tree.more photo shoots need to be done.

..bonfires at Dan Huizengas with everyone home and voices mixed with guitars, and the fire just enough to push the cold back from our circle

..driving that car of ryan's thru the woods at night, no doors, swinging around like a crazy bunch of lunatics.

..rd tripping with the boy I love

..rd tripping with Hannah and Laura--water guns, silly string, lais, flat tire, that adventure had the works

..throwing water balloons over a hedge at people on the island

..playing guitar in a smoky firelit setting with four boys, a harmonica, some banned oysters, stolen bread, and some poetry readings..

..climbing up thru shadows that split giant trees in half with their display and moss covered rocks that looked like buildings in the forest..a little rope to guide us up to a view that was better than anything I've ever seen before--mnts, ocean, man I miss Malibu..

..Jay when he's away at school..

..toilet papering ppl's houses in the dark and squealing away like the true night bandits we were..

..I could go on, and on and on, cuz life is so grand, but I must cut it short or else I will never stop...but I needed to get this out cuz I was in a missing mood.

stringing my bow

2006-11-04T13:54:00.000-08:00

I could write a really classic emo song right about now..lately it seems like people have been slinging really hurtful arrows at each other...nitty-gritty stuff too, not even stuff that's big enough to cause a ripple, and yet people latch onto tiny comments and string their bows and fire away, no thought to the consequences...why are humans so desparate to be right? such a trivial thing to let a conversation go without getting the last word and yet we hold on to the fight, until its stretched past even the point of recognization...
...how does love hold on so strongly through it all?...how does God bear it? I bet if we were to picture our words as arrows God would be matted with scars...how does He stand us?? with our fickle foundations..one minute we are singing praises in church and embracing Him, the next we have bruised someone so badly it takes a week to recover...God I'm crying out to You right now for peace! Father give us peace! Give us shields, instructions, push us Father to accept the challenge of living a life solely dependant on You...give us dreams Jesus to consistently love...I pray this in the name of Jesus Christ.
Amen.

laughter is the shortest distance between two people

2006-10-25T08:14:00.000-07:00

if you feel compelled to read a work of hilarity, by all means go to my other blog:
www.slipmeagrinortwo.blogspot.com

read "laughter is the shortest distance between two people".

aw man last night was incredible..

I'm quite in love you see.

2006-10-22T17:34:00.000-07:00

No wonder I'm smiling.
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God truly does great things...

2006-09-22T06:24:00.000-07:00

"What do you think of the name Tommy's? my dad asked. "Ha," I laughed, "it sounds like a seafood place--are you kidding?"

How could I have known God's amazing plan back then--not in my craziest dreams could I have foreseen the blessings that would stem from the creation of Tommy's; blessings that molded and shaped my life and those around me. Tommy's Interactive is a church that my dad started in Columbia, SC. It is still going on and while most of the original people have left, there are a few crazy followers that have stuck around to invest their lives in this beautiful operation, inviting many more new faces to the picture of what Tommy's is about. The name "Tommy's" comes from Thomas, one of Jesus's disciples. Now, Thomas liked to ask Jesus alot of questions and although some of the disciples may have questioned him for this, I think secretly in their minds alot of them were thinking, "Man, I was wondering that too." Thomas is also known of doubting that Jesus had come back until Jesus did indeed reveal Himself with the marks on his hands from the nails. So what can you take from a guy like Thomas? Doubt and questions? Indeed, Tommy's goal was to be a church where people could voice exactly that---and it did, and people found that it was different. Sure, we had our flaws--I mean hey- we were encouraging doubt and questions--but because God was the foundation, we took stuff right to Him, right to His scriptures....it was beautiful.

My dad encountered quite a few churches that didn't want the kind of people we had in our church--misfits I guess you could say--and other churches refused to help, and would you believe--my dad had more support and encouragement from non-Christians than Christians...shows you something...we are all prone to human-like notions and ideals and behaviours and it's quite suprisingly sad sometimes...but God forgives and He chose to influence Tommy's with the most unlikely people...and it worked...take our family for example, a family of 6, trying to get our green card in a country we've lived in for 12 yrs--not wanting to abandon our british citizenship for american we danced around the outskirts of that but alas, our green card was rejected and every thing my parents did was bittered by all the loopholes they had to jump through as non-citizens...and God wants us to begin and continue a church?! God's reasoning is insane I think but as the same time I suppose it's logical in His realm because He sees the big picture...and so we stayed in the states on a visa and other technicalities and God made it possible...looking back on Tommy's I realize I don't know too many of the stories in there, but the stories that took place within God's church setting rippled off of everyone who took notice...and God was in all, and through all...

at one or two points I realize I may have bragged on Tommy's to other people because the setting itself felt cool. For example: One building we got for free in downtown Columbia and we took one look at the 80's-style colors slashed across the walls, and painted the whole thing black. We made traffic lights out of old computer modems and set them up for the stage. We took a computer and put a light in it and a glass top over it and made funky tables. Concerts were held in that building and who cared if it got messed up--the whole thing was gonna be torn down in 6 months (why do you think we got it for free). Half of it was already torn up--something us photography-lovers found rewardingly fascinating.
Another building we stayed in for a while used to be a hole in the ground--was transformed into an underground Christian cafe (Jammin Java)--the space was long and people were sprawled on couches and behind tables across this artsy setting and it felt safe and sweet.
One time we held church at 11ish in a "Rising High" Cafe...the sweetest part of that building was the basement (we had planned to eventually use in the future)....it was huge and the acoustic were sweet and I couldn't help belting out a few notes whenever I was down there alone...the back part of it was torn up with trashed bathrooms and smashed toilets and ---man I'm getting off topic--haha see how it still gets me going...
But after listing all the cool places, I think back to settings like a top floor of a building and an old health gym room and when I can't find anything 'cool' to talk about that transfers me to to the people of Tommy's....man they're all amazing...

I suppose a few posh churches were skeptical of our church cuz we had such a strange mix..hahah, there was our family, with my parent sporting the accent and us kids trying to pretend it was still in us; random people from all areas and ages of life; a bunch of people sporting crazy tatooes/piercings/and crazy hairstyles (in some cases, smelly hairstyles-haha)....but man, when you get down to it, it's not about how we or those settings came across, it's the reason God brought us all together, into that setting....honestly though I knew pretty much everyone in the church, I only really knew specific individuals---haha I was young, a teenager, and usually rushing off after church to random social gatherings...but within the church man, we got to experience so much of God's love.. because of the different backgrounds, we'd all seen God's love in different ways, in different community settings and it was like a giant meltingpot of God's love...can't get much better than that!

Some fantastic people spoke into my life there: Wendy, our 33 yr old dj who gave me her guitar to learn on and would take me ice skating every sat night--man we had a blast. it was usually us and a bunch of random college couples on those late sweet cold night; Sharon and Jeanette who invited me in to this hospital to share in doing a bible study with a bunch of roughed up girls who felt no love in store for them--and because of Sharon and Jeanette's consistence and love, felt like they could open up a bit of them to even a pastor's kid like me...man I remember so clearly talking about Jesus's life with one of those girls..she'd never heard it before and I had never shared it like that before...man God's hand was on that bible study; Luke was one of the original guys in our church to do worship stuff (He's off in Iraq now I believe) and he took me in onto the worship team with no previous experience, just a love for God's worship songs; there were a whole community of people who were at Tommy's who'd arrived, homeless, churchless, we'd seen them change from broken individuals to ones who were embracing God through marriages, through births, and baptisms. I had the amazing opportunity to be baptized by my dad under a bridge in a river that was cold and muddy and, according to those who were watching, also being visited by a snake that was perched on a branch pretty close to me......but man, it was a huge blessing to be surrounded by a church that meant so much to me, by my dad who I love so much, friends and family that supported me and those other people to be baptized that day, and our amazing and loving God who brought it all together overseeing it all...Thankyou Father for that chapter in my life.. it was a huge long chapter...some parts were painful and confusing...some extrordinary...on a whole looking back, God's power is even more evident in the plan that unfolded during our time there...I pray for Tommy's as it is still going on; I pray for those involved and their hearts for God that they would "trust in the Lord with all their heart and lean not on their own understanding" (I can't remember that reference but it's been ringing in my head lately).....God bless Tommy's and those in it....God truly does great things...

tucked away

2006-09-20T11:26:00.000-07:00

I think my fav place to sit in tyndale is tucked away behind one of the giant curtains that drape the cafeteria windowsils...it's interesting how a piece of fabric can give one such a sense of privacy...and I suppose I may look a bit silly to anyone who notices--two mismatched socks sticking out from behind a giant leaf-patterned curtain, but I'm willing to sacrific silliness for comfort to be quite honest...I luv curling up with a good book in a windowseat--my Grandma and Pa Bill have a big one in their old farmhouse in England and the window looks out into my Grandma's garden..sigh I love it...and the room that the windowseat's in, usuallly is sporting a nice toasty fire....man I love fireplaces...they make room's seem much friendly in winter and people just a bit more cuddly and blankets just a little more inviting...sigh...I guess that's one good thing about winter...cuddling in front of a fireplace...and snow is pretty--I can't deny that...but the cold---ughh...it's funny the difference between my past 2 new years. 2005 I was at a concert dressed as a rock star, and the day after I was at the beach with a coconut and my best friend, sipping sparkling apple juice out of a tall green bottle. 2006 I was on a video scavenger hunt and then at 3ish in the morning I found myself tobogganing on a small slope with some friends and some cherry cigars....who knows what will happen this year...eager for a suprise...I suprised my boyfriend with a movie the other day, got all his close friends in as actors--it was amazing...discovered later on that day that I have a hidden passion for driving a bashed up car at full speed thru the woods at night, and pulling 360's in random fields...sigh...see now I'm cravin it...man it was exhilarating...wanna know a secret: I keep telling everyone I hate snowboarding but a tiny tiny part of me wants to learn more...cept I don't like letting ppl or myself down when I suck at stuff..but who knows...winter may find me secretly trudging up hills to bomb my way down until I get good enough to show someone...either that or I'll just resign myself to another scrapbooking rampage--those are fun...I got quite a bit accomplished this summer...memories--sigh...I love recording em...k I suppose I should end this random shpeel of thoughts...altho I quite enjoyed it...I'll be doing this again sometime...:grins:

sustain me Father

2006-08-28T11:26:00.000-07:00

due to a amazingly beautiful conversation that I just had with my friend Heather, my heart is wielding revelations that need to be said....it was one of those conversations where God enters into discussion and suddenly with every response, a new and fantastic thought is uncovered about His inscrutable love leaving your mind all breathless and energized at the same time..

we talked about man's love on its own (separate from God's pure love) and whether it can withstand anything...I was reading a book called "Searching for God knows what" by Donald Miller and he discusses the fall of mankind and its effect on our sense of love...basically, before the fall, Adam and Eve were as intimately close to God as possible--their hearts were right out on the front lines before God and viceversa...after the fall however, the break of that intimacy came from their betrayal and with that tear in the relationship, there was room for fears and doubts and insecurities to crawl in....

when I have those seemingly rare and beautiful moments where my eyes hold noone's gaze but Jesus's, I feel right...no right as in right or wrong but right as in this is how it is meant to be...sooner or later that moment is broken into by my weak flesh but it is in those times that I feel fully sustained---in no need of anyone else's love to approve me or validate me...because God' s love is so pure that it does not draw our eyes to ourselves but to Him and in all His glory, how can we feel insecurity when all His essence reflects security...

Heather and I were asking ourselves if we can feel satisfied on this earth when in close contact with Jesus as such....I personally feel that even when glorifying God on this earth, He never asks us to be fully satisfied...I'll try to explain my earlier thought process..there's a verse that came to mind from the Bible, encouraging us to 'long for the pure milk of the Word, so that by it we may grow in respect to salvation' 1Peter 2:2........comparing us to newborn babies and the thought occured to me from this that milk is made to sustain us and sustain suddenly took on a new strength in my mind because we are encouraged to grow and what is growth really but something that is consistently occuring...satisfaction implies that we have reached an goal, an end of some sort that we were striving for...to be sustained implies to me that God desires us to keep learning about Him, keep growing in His knowledge, keep on loving Him through the rough times and the good and there is no ultimate satisfaction in this and that is OK....

I imagine that in coming from Heaven and all it's perfect beauty, Jesus did not feel complete on earth or satisfied until He completed His Father's work and returned to Heaven...I don't presume to have a full theological understanding of Jesus's time on earth, but from glimpses here and there that the Bible gives us I feel that to be sustained, (or provided for as my Bible termed it in the Concordance) is the closest and most intimate level that God can give us...I believe in Heaven, we will feel satisfaction unlike anything we've ever known and I can not wait for that day but I think on this earth, in this time, here, today, God wants to sustain us in our growth as we move towards Him over and over and over...

when I examine my own relationship with Jay or even with friends, I see a love that binds us as strong as we know...but on its own, this love can be breached by fears and worries and doubts that will continually attack our relationships borders....but when I move this relationship to a different setting in my mind, where both of our hearts and eyes and seeking to be fixated on Jesus, I see a hope for a love that is stronger than what we hold---when filtered through God's knowledge of how a relationship should be, it is a love purely of Jesus that can sustain our relationship here on earth...when I think about this picture in my mind, of these relationships with my family and friends and especially with Jay that I treasure the most right now being threaded to a relationship with a God of love---that picture is where I find security, sustination and a true sense of being provided for...God bless...

flood

2006-07-30T05:03:00.000-07:00

I caught a glimpse of what people in New Orleans must have felt like as they watched their belongings washed away, and later were forced to pick up those pieces...it was a very small glimpse of that but it was a burden all the same...my basement flooded due to a huge thunderstorm and because my family is waiting to move, alot of our boxes were stored down there...my face crumpled throughout the process of mopping up the water because with each infected, watery box, some family treasures had been soaked...perhaps it seems silly to mourn books, but I have a great love of them, especially our children's books from england--I dunno, they pull me back to times of reading with my parents, and to see them soaked and sticky with water tugged at my tears...while wiping off several old photos of my parents, a piece of me felt like it was being torn but I was numb and I couldnt' feel it and it occured to me that it was the same sort of feeling I would expect to feel one day when my parents weren't around any more...the idea startled me and I felt quite peturbed at the sense of it, but at the same time I felt numb to the emotion it would entangle...

thanks to mr. huizenga, he and I finished mopping up the basement in a much quicker time than I would have been able to accomplish on my own...I think, had I been forced to face it on my own, I might have cried throughout the process...but with his aid and the busyness of moving boxes I numbed my way through the experience and it was only when we got back to the concert at the huizengas and cait and jen sidled up to give me a hug, that the numbness took its leave...a few tears and explanations did the trick and I was able to cast the memory aside for the rest of the night...

I think, in hindsight, only a few things were messed up..it's interesting, what experiences pull at our emotions, sometimes teaching us a few things about others' experiences, like the concept of a real flood...I think as a kid I always pictured a flood like a big wave pool in the house, but now its sunk in as entailing so much more...sigh...the things we learn

open invitation

2006-07-30T04:43:00.000-07:00

my friends captivate me...a strong word: captivating; but I believe it holds true for last night's event...it was an open invitation to be entranced by a string of delightful people who chose to simply 'be'...let me explain..picture an old scarred barn, that from the outside would seem like any other barn were it not for the skateboard ramps that invited one up to a door that occasionally was slung open; light spilling its way out with the strains of music and laughter.....

inside, both the stage and the seats were more skateboard ramps, and people were sprawled all over the lower ramps, tucked into corners of rafters, legs dangling freely off higher ramps...so there we all were, occasional dancers would jump up to spin and twirl with the melodies, cheers erupted at the sight and giggles slipped their way into the dance's texture...each musician that greeted the stage, tackled the ramp with their own speed in hopes of reaching the top to grant the audience the songs they expected...dawna truly captivated us with a new song of hers and I found myself with an equal invitation to be spellbound at her words...

due to a flooded basement I missed the majority of the magic...but the magic remained til the very end, holding us all on the hard sloped floors til the last melody had sailed off with the song "darker blue lines" by the wedding party, a perfect ending to find oneself on her feet, swaying to the particular song....the night itself was thrilling....contributing my music to this faithfully attentive crowd drilled nerves into my voice, but the desire to add my own thread to this artwork overwhelmed that, and it was a beautiful night to sing....indeed, it twas a beautiful night to sing...thankyou...

wink ;)

2006-07-01T12:19:00.000-07:00

it's been entirely too long of a stretch since I last blogged...usually it's an escape from the clutter in my head, a chance to get something out that needs to be spilled...and it's not like I haven't thought about things lately but nothing's really pulled me towards the keyboard...so I'm blogging merely for the sake of blogging and I suppose I'll just write w/e comes to mind..

The 3 beans diagram from Winking Circle has stuck with me, especially the concept of being a fool....I think lots of times I'm afraid to step out and be a fool, minus the occasional blonde moments and it was quite refreshing last night to find myself surrounded by my colourful friends, unashamedly sporting their wigs/crazy eyes/and cruising around on their insanely decorated art bikes...I like the idea of being weird to live in the moment and doing w/e really crosses your mind such as dancing on street corners...after leaving the group Jay attempted a few times to pull me into swing-dancing mode and for all of my desire to just let go, there was something about the city and all its people that made me hold back...a fear to look just a little bit silly maybe...but why? the city is amazingly packed with faces and while it's so easy to fear reactions from them, is it really that likely that you will ever see them after that passing silly moment? prolly not and yet my self-conscious nature would not let my goofiness break out...sigh...it's really not as hard as I'm making it out to be is it? I want to redeem every part of my day....I won't ever have a July 1st, 2006 Saturday again---I can't just let it skim by...so from here on...I will do w/e I feel compelled to....and right now I feel compelled tooooooo............uhh......get offline....and so it begins

triggered

2006-06-12T07:09:00.000-07:00

there have been an assortment of ideas flitting through my head since I woke up this morning with a terribly sad feeling, the kind that pulls such a heavy weight behind it that it compells one to feel a bit sick too at the very thought...the sad feeling was triggered by a horrible nightmare I experienced last night..I've been trying to figure out why the nightmare was introduced to me in the first place and the following conclusion is what I've come up with: seems that Satan's biggest weapons in this case to me are fear+lies..old fears from past failures, past struggles come back to haunt me sometimes, and that's when I'm tackled with lies..lies that defend the fears and heap the blame on myself..lies that twist the way I see the past with the reality of it...both lies+fear can't seem to stand when things are going swell for me, and it's at that point that they begin to rear their ugly heads, taunting me with their riducules..
..I suppose its in dreams/nightmares that our inner fears are so easily released..in this particular nightmare, I experienced the horror of catching my boyfriend cheating on me with some girl...at first they played ignorant to my accusations and then began to justify their 'innocence'...doubts began to spring up about my worth, if I was good enough for him, and in comparison to 'her' --what did I have to offer?...the first time I woke up from this horrible dream I just lay in bed for a bit trying to soak it all in...I drifted off to sleep again to find myself asking them "why?" but my analyzations and questions did me no justice and when I woke up again the sick feeling was still there...
..the irony of this nightmare is that it has happened to me, with my first boyfriend, Brandon, and although the circumstances and the people were different, they followed the defense of ignorance to justifying also...let me say, however, that there has been nothing in my relationship with Jay that he has done to trigger such a nightmare...in fact he's offered more security for me than any other relationship I've known...I suppose Satan finds this affection disgusting and therefore is using my old fears against me in this case, as I stated earlier...it sickens me think that Satan can twist our thoughts in such an extreme way...I don't know what hand Satan has in dreams/nightmares, but I know that God does not use our sins against us. ever. and so I conclude with the knowledge that God has the best in mind for us and I simply have to give this up to Him, in asking Him to protect me from the falsity of last night...I trust that my relationship with Jay will last as long as God wills and I have to to trust...its about a faith that remains dependent through the rough moments...I think the more you begin to care about someone, the more the fears of losing them begin to appear...I can't grant that nightmares will be solved, but I can put my hope in God's strength, versus my own...

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way." Psalm 139:23-24

"If I take the wings of dawn, if I dwell in the remotest part of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, and Your right hand will lay hold of me. If I say, "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, and the light around me will be night, even the darkness is not dark to You, and the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You." Psalm 139:9-12

the golden pass

2006-06-07T07:27:00.000-07:00

although there have been a jumble of thoughts staking their claims on my list of priorities, it seems one is always bound to escape from the pushing and shoving, strutting its way up to my brain, waving its bright golden pass for me to let it out..I swear it's like a mosh pit in there sometimes, these thoughts, man, they're tough, will take a few punches just to be heard..and I can see the shape of this particular thought in my mind, but the details have not become quite clear yet and so as I proceed to write, I hope the image with become more focused..on a side note, someone's offered me a free darkroom so that's a pleasent thought..oh sorry, mr-golden-pass's image is shaking his fist, evidently he requires all the attention...if I could make out his face I'm sure brows would be pinched together, and perhaps nostrils flaring..alright then I'd better get on with it... he's holding up a flashcard that says "friends"....
..friends..I think we slot too many people into that category nowadays..and with each new addition to our life we lose a little bit of intimacy..you can't have intimacy with every friend..friends are supposed to be there when one is down, an available hug or shoulder to lean on..while I was in south carolina I began to realize which were my dependable friends, which acquaintances had slid under the roped-off friend area, and I don't mean to blame the acquaintances, I suppose we must blame ourselves in that matter, for labeling people before they're actually proven a friend...there were friends who knew I was in town but didn't follow that up, and a bit of what we once had, or what I assumed we'd had, slipped away...and then there were my best friends, girls that slid a bit of fun into each day I was there, welcomed my boyfriend, approved of him, and stuck around long enough to get to know him...
..it's strange, because in south carolina I had a bunch of one-on-one friends, no one specific group and it was interesting bringing them all together to visit the zoo, and other slotted experiences that had to be planned on the trip...here in uxbridge, I find it amusing, I suppose, the difference..here my friends are all one big group of friends, that have meshed lives together and thousands of memories to hold on to and laugh about...they welcomed me with open arms and I can't thank God enough for that..but it's still hard, the contrast...finding a closeness in a midst of this crowd...the girls are closer to me than the boys, and I think I like it that way..good girlfriends are always needed...and my past friendships with boys were always skewed in one way or another....and though I don't limit my friendship opportunities I find that I"m hoping some really strong friendships will spring up...closest girlfriend I have is caitlin wood..amazing gal...
...I hope God really begins to define real friendships for me here, and doesn't just let me take what I can..there are some precious people here, and in south carolina...it's about taking a few risks and investing...God keep me accountable...
..there the thought has left the building, stumbled a few times in his delivery speech but I think he is quite satisfied with the final result...I think I am too...

I luv this kid...my bro's the best

2006-05-22T18:07:00.000-07:00

there's something that grabs me about my little brother....coolest kid I know by far...sweet temperment, just lookin' for people to look up to, and boy did he find one today...perhaps it was the invitation to the treefort, or the sweet drum beat lessons that caught Jordan's attention..prolly both...I was sitting up in "The Room" (music jam area) at Jay's parents' house, watching his older bro, Ben, lead Jordan through a series of beats...my bro's face was dancing back and forth from one of fixated concentration as he counted out the beats, to slips of frustration that appeared with each miscalculated tap...his face would screw up at his mistake and apologies kept spilling out to which Ben would chuckle in response and say, "it's ok, keep going.." found myself fascinated at Jordan's determination to get it perfect, this first time, anything to impress his audience of two...no doubt Ben was amused by the innocent show of expression that kept popping up in Jordan's toothy smile...at the end of our visit, Jordan emerged from the house, loaded up with dirtbike magazines..haha...he's hooked...poor kid arrived home feeling carsick from having his eyes glued to the mags during the drive...ha I luv it...It struck me how much I was impressed by Ben's gentle attitude towards my bro...this poor kid stuck with 3 olders sisters, goodness knows he needs some good male role models...and Ben seemed to slide into that role perfectly today...(so Ben if you read this thanks)...
..for all you big bros out there, man don't brush off that kid that looks up to you...the tiniest bit of time you invest means a buttload of admiration...nothing worth resisting cuz of the priorities you think you have...bros come first...no doubt about it...and boys need big guys to step in and help mold...man...groovy...my bro's the best..and he doesn't even know it..:grins:

locked in the past (prt 1)

2006-05-18T13:59:00.000-07:00

locked in the past..that's where my childhood is...sure I can unlock memories to it, spill a few stories here and there, but it's still locked...sure I can act like a kid, but those actions don't make me a kid again...someday I hope to have a kid or two, but though a sliver of me will be there, it won't be me really...today I was reflecting on what I miss about being a kid...so here goes:

--boys and girls didn't date..they had huge pinecone wars...we got the treefort, the boys got the forest floor
--an old blue water barrel = a mini-pool, a toy to walk about on (and fall off of), an endless entertainment to put people (usually a little sister) in, and push down a hill
--treasure hunts with smarties and babybel cheeses created by my dad
--crawling into my dad's lap for some good ole narnia stories
--the jokes I told always seem hilarious
--hanging on stubbornly to my dad's back pocket, insisting that he pull me up the hill on my roller skates
--telling stories I thought were amazing, oblivious to whether anyone was really listening or not
--sitting in the gutter in my bathing suit after it had rained
--anything the big kids did was impressive
--a sweet old lady's remote controlled chair was like a sweet ride
--a sweet old lady's dog was my best friend
--an old man's truck with poles was a sweet jungle gym (until we were yelled at)
--sat. was sweet (candy day)

that's part 1 when I think of more I'll add...but i'm hungry so food is taking over my mind...ahh...i'm out

the best present you can give urself

2006-05-18T13:34:00.000-07:00

is...a hot shower
I mean it's a perfect gift...it soothes, distracts, comforts, cleanses...allows you to drift off to a place between sleep and consciousness...it gives you its full attention....after being cold and wet all day I found it as satisfying as I thought it would be...turned it up as hot as possible...sigh..there's nothing to beat that...and then the previous chilly air that I felt before the shower, changed into a refreshing breeze the instance I stepped from the steam...ooh la la it was good.

validated

2006-05-09T14:48:00.000-07:00

I was with one of my friends the other day and on several occasions found myself experiencing the desire to wrap my arms around him and tell him that he is amazing...not because of any attraction to him, but because I began to think about how many of my friends just don't know their good qualities because there is noone stepping out to invest that sense in them...I encourage you to go to God first and foremost for love because love originates from God and I don't think any one person can portray that kind of love..but it makes one think....I was with another friend and were just chatting and I said, "You know what you need?" "A girlfriend?" he said quite bitterly and I replied with something along the lines of a crazy road trip..but it got me thinking, we don't need someone of the opposite sex to validate us, it is not necessary to find comfort, but the thought of some girl stepping into this boy's life and fully appreciating him for who he was, was something I was really longing for him to have...not just him, but for a few of my friends...one of my close girlfriends thinks she is not beautiful, and I can't even comprehend why, because to me, she is gorgeous, both physically and spiritually...but my compliments seem to bounce off her...God created man and woman to be together and sometimes it is through someone else that He spills His love into us....I fell for Jesus, like fully in love with Him, and He was the first to make me feel worth something....I treasure that but I also take great joy in dating Jay and God has used him to convey a bundle of insecurities to me, and really it just feels great to be cared about in this way...I hope this post doesn't make the singles feel frustrated, but these thoughts have been running through my head and how God has specifically created other people to validate us, and what a beautiful thing it is...I really long for my friends to feel God's love first and then experience it vividly through another person...that is what I hope for you...

alice in wonderland

2006-04-28T14:00:00.000-07:00

lucky for alice, her wonderland didn't have an aroma of poo as the countryside tends to flaunt these days..mine however was quite delightful... I fought a tiger--bare armed, managed to tame the beast in spite of a few scratches...went exploring in a cave and found some jewels, thousands of them, catching the sunlight, and when I pulled them out, shaking off the dust they crumbled...seems like the cave had some sort of spell...caught a glimpse of a giant sea turtle--was tempted to hop up and ride it but held back...I pass it every now and then...
..I must say I love my imagination...perhaps it comes from burying myself in books since I was a kid...crossing into peoples' stories with a flick of the page...at the end of the book I always felt a bit disappointed, as if I'd been invited into a secret garden, had an assortment of adventures, and then suddenly been ushered out unexpectedly when all I wanted to do was stick around and carry on with the people I had learned so well...working in a real garden all day by myself can get quite boring so I find that by carrying my thoughts off on explorations, time is filled in...there's something about working in the garden too that refreshes me, clearing away these dead leaves (although sometimes they turn into jewels and catch me by suprise), making room for new growth...I quite like the feeling of satisfaction that settles over me at the end of the day...I suppose Alice's Wonderland was full of nonsense and since I sound a bit loony I guess I fit right in to that sort of world...if you find your mind wandering sometime, indulge and see where it takes you...no guarantees but who knows..

treasure trove

2006-04-21T09:48:00.000-07:00

I happened to pick up my mother's Bible yesterday, simply out of intrigue I suppose...while flipping through it I found notes spilling out, pages of quotes intertwined with Bible verses..it was beautiful...but what was most precious to me was when I found different verses she had underlined, places that God had clearly told ahold of her heart and spoken to her through them....and I felt like God awakened me to something beautiful--you see, I've heard the Bible called "The Living Word" before but never really defined that term to myself..but here, in this precious Bible, was evidence that God is Alive, that He is and has been Living his Word out through my mom's joys, through her trials, and through verses that He specifically gave her to fill up whatever she was lacking in....what a blessing..I then picked up my dad's Bible and found similar notes, not in the same verses exactly, but the fact that he too found specific verses important enough to underline, something that God specifically drove into his heart...I realized, I am so blessed that I can pick up my parents' Bibles, and see evidence that God is working in their hearts...my Bible has become a close friend--to the extent that I miss it if I stay away too long...it holds jewels in it, jewels that speak of failures..times I've fallen on my face and God has scooped me up into His arms...jewels of humour that God has happily pointed out in His scriptures...my friend, Caitlin, and I went exploring in an old antique mall and happened to find an old testement of someone's..and it was soo astounding to see places that this person had marked and so incredible to know that God continues to live out His Word, through speaking to our hearts, whether we know each other's stories or not...there are carefully placed treasure troves in our Bibles...God is real and alive and I take so so much joy in that...I pray that your Bible reveals its jewels to you and that God writes them on your heart...God Bless...

diaries

2006-04-17T16:35:00.000-07:00

"2am and I'm still awake writing a song,
if I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me,
threatening the life it belongs to.
and I feel like I'm naked in front of a crowd
cuz these words are my diaries screaming out loud,
and I know that you'll use them however you want to" (anna nalick)

"No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten" (Natasha Bedingfield)

...so basically these ladies have captured it, the essence of song writing I mean...a story that's dying to spill out, and you can feel it inside of you...kind of hard to explain really...maybe its like being pregnant..I wouldn't know..but that's what comes to mind...I dunno, its this feeling inside of you that's always been there I suppose, or maybe it was picked up through an experience of some sort, something that cries for a voice, a memory, a moment, and so what can you do but pick up a guitar and wait for it to slip out...sometimes..most times my lyrics stampede their way onto the paper, leaving the notes to frantically pick themselves up and my fingers to somehow pull them along in the same direction...sometimes we get lost in some back alley, my fingers and I but the lyrics are patient..after all they've been waiting for the right moment, the fingers and the notes deserve the same treatment...so in this jumble of confusion and song makes its way out, sometimes all the way...sometimes it signals that it's not quite ready to face the world, and that's fine, I used to be shy too...God's beginning to show His Glory through me, though the stage is still quite scary at times...man, it's exactly like Natasha says, you feel so vulnerable in front of a crowd because these words may hold so much weight for you but they really are just words and others can take them however they choose...but I must say I feel quite at peace with that because God is the one directing His listeners' hearts...groovy...God bless...keep writing...

nudity

2006-04-12T13:37:00.000-07:00

[for those of you hoping for a good camp story..sorry...:grins: look elsewhere today...]
now...hopefully most of you have been skinny-dipping so you know the freedom that comes with it..course there are some limitations to that freedom :grins: but there's still something compelling and beautiful about it...but before one strips one tends to feel a bit vulnerable in the moment (reasonable of course) and we want to hold onto all our security...funny that we find security and dignity from a bit of cloth...anyways I was gardening today and was raking away at these bushes, trying to get all the leaves out from under their branches...this involved a bit of yanking because they seemed to be clinging so tightly onto these leaves..it's like they're thinking, 'hold up now, these leaves have covered me all fall and winter, how dare you steal them'...its like this protective covering...but in fact, it won't stay a protective covering because by removing the leaves I am actually allowing them to breathe in the fresh spring air...something that is vital to plants of course....sometimes I wonder if Jesus feels like He's gardening our hearts...tugging away these 'protective' coverings that have kept us safe through winter and what not, but now what we need most is fresh air and room to breathe..."and they were naked and they were not ashamed"(Genesis) Adam and Eve were created in the nude with this freedom and closeness to God..it was only after sin divided them that they became ashamed of their nudity and tried to cover up....I hope Jesus strips away our 'coverings', our layers of things that we are holding tightly onto for our security, our dignity....I was able to free these simple plants to breathe..sure they still looked pretty bedraggled, bony, and all over the place with their leaf droppings, but they gained fresh air.....Jesus is my fresh air, man He is so good at freeing me...again and again..so...what to take from this? everything of course..and a recommendation for skinnydipping, altho don't forget--there are some limits :grins: God gives us some rockin analogies sometimes eh?

blessin' ya'll

2006-04-11T09:24:00.000-07:00

normally blessings don't begin with "is that a dirty book you're reading?" but in today's case it assuredly did....the morning convo:
old man: is that a dirty book you're reading?
me: no, it's philosophy
old man: oh philosophy's good, useful too..what philosophers?
me: kant, etc..blahblah
old man: you have a boyfriend?
me: nope
old man: well when you meet a guy and you know what he's thinking you can know if he's right for you
me: oh thankyou
old man: you have beautiful earrings
me: thankyou
old man: and eyes..may I have them? *grins* (and I notice that he has no teeth)

and on that note we parted...one friendly convo that sparked a blessing for my day...
makes me think about how easy it is to bless someone, whether through making em laugh, paying a simple compliment, or just even acknowleging their presence with a friendly hello...sometimes I forget that we don't have to include Christianity in blessing ppl but can just bless em in the simple ways..looking back I realize I could have averted my eyes and kept walking when the old man addressed me but I chose not to thankgoodness and got a blessing..groovy
ps. if hannah makes a perverted comment ignore it

clearly now it's easy now for her to breathe

2006-04-09T20:30:00.000-07:00

"while He's near she doesn't feel the pain, clearly it's easy now for her to breathe"...man I'm really glad God has ahold of my heart...sometimes when I worship through music and close my eyes, I feel as though I'm this solitary figure, and I can feel almost a vast expanse surrounding me, but it doesn't feel empty, because His presence is filling it up...sometimes I'm scared to get close to people because I know that they will hurt me at one point or another, whether they intend originally to or not...face it...we're all prone to hurting one another...as Jay pointed out, sometimes its just fun to make up..:grins:...which is true, but if only we could bypass the hurt...but I'm not saying I don't get hurt with God, because I do..because of myself that is..my stubborness to appreciate His love versus other means of satisfaction...as my pastor was stressing today, God gives us a freedom through the law that He's written on our hearts...because by teaching us to stay away from specific things, we are not constrained by their faults and traps...but we are free in Christ's love...and I hope He draws near to you, and that you find it easier to breathe...because He surrounds us...completely...and effortlessly...and most importantly, lovingly...

distractions

2006-04-07T15:49:00.001-07:00

amazing what you find yourself doing in place of attempting to write a paper..consider the following:
--attempting to crochet a tie
--taking pics of myself in a black and white-rocker-mullet wig
--sleeping alot
--dancing
--blah

vulnerable

2006-04-06T20:42:00.000-07:00

there's something scary about vulnerability...this fog that seems to creep up and cloud my thoughts...a sense that something is being slowly torn everytime I bring the subject up...and so I hesitate to write because I don't know who will read this but I really write for myself..maybe for a start of some sort of release...I'm not sure at this point...I really admire my father...he's a good dad--he looks out for our family, financially, and supportively..in his own way...but it hurts sometimes becuase I don't feel the closeness with him that I used to have..deep down I miss it so so much..he doesn't neglect me, beat me, use sharp words with me...but he doesn't open up either and that's something I really long for, a dad who will confide in me...when I was little we used to go on hikes up this craig and he would do scavenger hunts for me with an assortment of smarties and babybel cheeses...I was in complete awe of him...then as I got older, I pushed him away a bit..natural for a teenage girl, I suppose...but now it's like I want that affectionate side back and yet I feel that it's hesitating on his part...maybe I'm not clear in my thoughts towards him..I suppose I'm scared to open up and not receive...it hurts right now to even write this...I can feel the tears beginning to well up behind my eyes...I can't quite describe what I long for with him...I want a daddy back...I'm beginning to understand him a bit as an adult, in our similar humour and conversations about God and where we stand with Him..but there's an essence of being a daughter that I seem to have lost ahold of...maybe I expect too much...maybe not...
ps.
I know God, my Father, can fill this void but I don't want him to fill all of it just yet...we've talked a bit...its being vulnerable that scares me the most..even with God...I love my dad, both my earthly and heavenly dad, there is no doubt about that...but this longing for intimacy with both fathers has yet to be uncovered...maybe I have to make the first few baby steps...
pss. I love you Dad.

puttin on the ritz

2006-04-05T20:11:00.000-07:00

it was completely dark..you could see the figures slowly beginning to raise their instruments...and then--the drums were sparked, a roll of beats that tugged at every pounding heart in the room...the dance floor lit up, sparkling dresses twirled with black suits, and the music caught my feet up in movements I could not refuse..the notes caught ahold of my hand and led me onto the dance floor to the throng of dancers whirling about...it was brilliant...the scene faded as I felt something caught in my shoe..I looked down and perceived the interuption to be a nail and with that the dancers were gone and I was back at my dad's building site with a vacumn in one hand and my fingers grasping at my cd player's volume...I glanced around at the dust-streaked floor, resumed my work, and slyly pulled the volume back up to its original state...the dance was revived and with a shy glance at my partner, I allowed myself to be led forward once again...

just to be

2006-03-21T08:59:00.000-08:00

God has really been challenging me to treasure the 'now'...or in my case, to reflect on and treasure the 'yesterday'...I cannot fully define the beauty of spending a day with God, but I'm going to try..
--yesterday morning I was making lunch and planning to watch t.v and felt God say something along the lines of, "why don't you put on some worship music and just spend time with me"..I pushed him away, thinking that I wasn't in the mood for a 'spiritual' experience...later I was listening to songs on my computer and a favorite came up that said, "why do you run, why do you hide, I just wanna be with you..I see you there watching t.v..but I just want to be with you"..so :grins: that was the 1st little jab from God that morning..
--later at school (tyndale) I had a break most of the day and so my friend, Mike, and I went for a walk around the block and started discussing God and the concept of just simply 'being with Him'...Mike told me the story of a guy who was skipping rocks on a river one day, and asking God what he was supposed to do, what did God want from Him..and he felt God say, 'I just want to skip rocks with you'...:grins: perhaps it seems a bit absurd, but I love that idea..sometimes I find myself going to God only when I'm in a 'spiritual place' or mood for God-stuff, but God really wants to be included in every part of our lives..I suppose I've known that all along but not really put it into practice so much..it's like a friend that you spend time with simply to appreciate them , not to get something out of the talks you share with them...so that was God's 2nd lil jab.."let us draw near with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith"--Hebrews 10:22
--that night I was eating dinner in the cafe and I felt this strong desire to sit off on my own and 'just be' with God...so I grabbed my cd player, put some worship music on (drewbrown>amazing worship songs) and just sat with God by the window, eating dinner with Him..I wasn't expecting to 'feel' anything in particular, just to invite him to my table..the sky was gorgeous so after dinner, God and I went up to the 6th floor balcony to check out the sky...I really see His majesty up there, past all the man-made buildings, minus all the city sounds, it was amazing to just stand up there enjoying who God is, through His creation...so to end my God-date, I went back to the Kat (student lounge) and played Him some love songs I've written for Him on guitar...just me and Him, off in a corner..man...it was the best date I've had in a long time...
--to finish the night I went to this bar called "Sneaky D's" to play guitar at this open jam thing that my friend was playing at...walked in not knowing anyone and felt instantly comfortable....big canvas on the wall for people to paint whatever they felt, sketchbooks on all the tables, ppl just jamming up on stage, embracing the feel of the music...fantastic atmosphere..so I went up on stage after a bit and started out with this song about Jazz...so after the Jazz song I realized that I really really wanted to share some songs that I'd written about Christ, but I was so scared because I didn't want to push God into people's faces and I don't know what I was really scared of but I felt God urging me to share..so I played some songs that were obviously about God and tho I was hestitant at first, I felt God encouraging me throughout the songs, just letting me know He was into it even if other ppl might not have been...overall the night was grand...."He was crucified because of weakness, yet He lives because of the power of God. For we also are weak in Him, yet we will live with Him because of the power of God directed toward you."--2 Corinthians 13:4
--this guy Chris gave me a ride home and earlier he had told me that my songs were cool but he sensed something in my voice that made it seem like I was holding back, from completely putting myself out there in the music..I had told him also that I went to bible school (Capernwray Harbour) last yr in BC and he asked what attracted me to the Bible, and I told him it was Christ that attracted me, just getting to know what He was about and His background..it felt so good to just be open about that, ya kno..we continued talking about church/where we derive our inspirations from and it was sweet to be able to just openly talk about it from different angles, no assumptions, no judging...and I told him that in playing I felt like I actually was holding back a bit because of the content of my songs, and even in God's prodding me, I was scared to share that intimacy I sang of with Christ...so it was cool to get an outside perspective on how I came across...I hope you invite God completely into your day because I guarantee, He will show up..."Draw near to God and He will draw near to you."--James 4:8

if words left a mark

2006-03-17T16:54:00.000-08:00

'if words left a mark, would we say the same things?/I stand at your door, it is locked, and I am waiting/my fears are confirmed with a sigh/this is my first command, love God with all I am/the second is like it, this is what love is/our hearts although unseen, are always listening/this is the answer, who is my neighbor/I came took your hand, I learned your name, I danced around you/I taught you to dance around me/what's wrong in me may never be right/to fight and stand alone/we're crying on our own/we're dying on our own/if words left a mark, would we say the same thing?' (tom conlon)

I want to apologize to people I've hurt this week, unintentionally or intentionally (both are quite likely)..how often do we bruise people with our words...I think of people who have speaking disabilities and who struggle to get out even a few words...if my words were limited and I actually thought before I rambled, how much would I hold back, how many hurtful words would stay silent...I really love God, I really do...and I don't want to be someone who says that and holds onto that phrase while being afraid to step out and live it...how many times, even as a Christian, has Jesus been waiting outside my door to speak to me, to teach me, and I've held him off attempting to fill up my time with useless, temporary thoughts..'what's wrong in me may never be right'..I am quite hopeless on my own, but I find that God will meet me whereever...I love the concept of God saying 'I came, took your hand, learned your name, I danced around you'...there's something about knowing someone's name and gaining a connection, a chance to say hello...but do we really stop to learn it..to move on past the quick, 'hey-how-are-you-have-a-good-day's...sure we can't involve ourselves in everyones' lives, but why simply call our 'friends' by name, we should take their hand, and invest something more than the usual bit...'love is a many splendid thing'..so why cut short something so splendid...as my friend emphasized, 'today is a gift'...but why should we hunker down in some corner with this gift, wouldn't breaking free of that give us just a little more than we expected...Father, teach me to dance around You...forgive me for the marks I've left so carelessly...

..I stop somewhere waiting for you...

2006-03-13T18:24:00.000-08:00

'failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged, missing me at one place search another, I stop somewhere waiting for you..' - walt whitman

long after the final scene of a kiss has faded from my mind, I know it will flicker back to that feeling..the one that sends tingles down my spine...whether provoked by an old romance flick such as "Pride and Prejudice" or simply by a glance held a few seconds longer than necessary...sigh I feel a bit silly typing this out, but whether my psychology notes were laid out to study or not, I think my thoughts would have been off in some other place...and so I write this now to sort myself out...I miss being romanced...true, because of a lack of a guy in my life I have been able to fall deeply in love with Jesus, and I would not trade that for the sincerest romance...but I must admit, I miss it...someone desiring my time, my friendship, my opinion, even just my presence...although I feel I have grown up alot since falling for Jesus...now I want a man who will challenge me to fall more deeply in love with Christ and at the same time show evidence that Christ is his 1st love...I want someone who will challenge me to step outside of myself and yet pull me back in when I most need it..someone who will put God before all that I want and who will push me to do the same...I could go on, but it feels a bit intimate to share on a blog....and plus mainly, the desire for Christ surpasses all other mentioned things...I'm not implying that I need anyone at this moment in time...sometimes it's just pleasant to daydream...rather girly of me, I suppose...all the same, whoever God has in store for me, I trust His timing is always better than mine....:grins:

..in a thousand years..

2006-03-11T15:31:00.000-08:00

..'but I'm sure to have your love in a thousand years, yes I'm sure to have your love in a thousand years'... (-erich skelton)

..now I know this line was taken from a love song, and attributed to a person but people are temporary and as beautiful as the thought is, I'd much rather hear this from God..in fact, I feel lately like He's wooing me, with a love that is beautiful and strong and lasting...through 1000 years even...I can't imagine experiencing this love with anyone else, and I take joy in that fact, that God alone will take me aside to places that only He and I can share...love is patient...my friend gave me such a rewarding experience of patience the other night that brought my thoughts back to God in awe...we went snowboarding and no matter how many times I biffed it (fell), I'd look back up the hill and he was just sitting there, watching, and encouraging me...(I'm sure he was probably laughing a bit too) :grins:..but it felt so good to have someone want to teach me something and not give up on me...that's exactly how God treats us...sometimes the obstacles seem new/huge/scary but God will keep on helping us through it, and I find it amazingly comforting knowing that...its like I'm embarking on this adventure of who God is...and I'm completely blown away...

I gotta clearify, I am not a strong person and I find it odd that people think that sometimes...it's only because I am so messed up that God gives me all these cool revelations and thoughts...I found this verse today that kinda summed that up:
'..He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.- 2 Corinthians 12:9

invisible

2006-03-06T08:41:00.000-08:00

ever feel like you're on fire with passion for something you really know nothing about and while you're slotting away your thoughts, your emotions are making a mad dash to bounce off walls, surging upward and outward til they have jolted every practical effort to gather your mindset. that's how God blows my mind--creating moments that I want to soak in all night and yet let everything happen at once...to love life as it is--no extra recipe to make it ideal. unpredictable. like a child's endless games of makebelieve and whether I feel invisible or not behind shut eyes I know that I am safe.

--something I had to write because my mouth was so flooded with grins that I couldn't quite hold back..sometimes God just takes you on a wild fling, right out of the blue....and I really admire that about Him...He doesn't settle for greeting us just in church, or bible setting, or on a Jesus-high...it's all about meeting us where we're at, from moseying his way into our daydreams or showing up on roadtrips....'I hate the world today, but I love the life You've given me'.-Starfield ...yea this world has its backaches and along with its aimless crooning, it gets a bit flippant...but this life God has given us...wow....I mean how can we hold back from Him...why in the heck do we get distracted and follow our own fickle games--when He can empty us and fill us up at the same time?...Christians...man we're messed up...but God is good eh...

'The steps of a man are established bythe LORD, and He delights in his way. When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong, because the LORD is the one who holds his hand."--Psalm 37:23-24
need I say more? No. because God's got it covered....what an amazing guy...

tackled by God again

2006-02-28T14:42:00.000-08:00

I love how God will tackle me when noone will...
it's true...I had been complaining to a friend about the worship music at my church..it was droning, I felt like I was falling asleep/dying...blah, etc...I know deep down church does NOT rely on the music to meet God...I came to understand that last year through a church full of old people, and sometimes painful music..at first I went searching for the 'young, new, thriving church' with the cool music...but then I found one that blew me away...sure the pastor's wife would stand at the front and sing loudly in a (off-key) high-pitched voice...but the pastor was utterly and completely in love with God and it was through that love practiced in the church that God really challenged me then..so I know church is not about the hip music...but music is such a huge part of my life and to go to church dreading worship time really bothered me.

...but then...it happened....God tackled me big time...like in those rugby matches where a bunch of fellas in too- short shorts grab each other and throw themselves in a huge pile, like sumo wrestlers, like jackie chan...God pretty much tackled me like those things combined..maybe a funny picture but still...here's the thing... I must SURRENDER....God's tricky like that cuz surrending covers everything: trust, failures, regrets, successes, joys, pains, faith, rebellion, anger, hate...yea he pretty much can sideswipe us with that one word: surrender... our pastor spoke on Psalm 28 and it basically sumarizes the gist of all of my songs (so I fully related)...it took on a course of 'I fail>cry to God for help>I surrender>God calls me to do something hard (like forgive enemies)>God blesses me through that>=trust and a rescue by my Savior>God help me to bless other people>God please bless other people.

so it makes sense...and yet we question God so much...so so much...but that passage is basically the story of my life repeating over and over...our pastor focuses on verse 2 that says, '...I lift up my hands toward Your holy sanctuary'....usually in church people hold up their hands right? I feel pretty dumb doing it sometimes...I dunno..there's something uncomfortable about sticking my hands up in front of me while singing...but this verse puts it completely into perspective because by lifting our hands to God , we are implying that we surrender...actually we're proclaiming it..putting our hands up in a sense of release...like when the police yell 'stick your hands up' and you do it out of defeat, out of a sense that you can't do anything for yourself in that postition'....well I am not saying God is a cop, but can't you see! when we put up our hands, it's exclaiming that we are defeated without God...even when things are going swell..God calls us to surrender...it's such a beautiful picture to me....

so God gave me this idea of surrender on sunday and then on monday I went to a worship time at my school and one of the songs was surrender and I felt like God had tackled me all over again...not because I was doing anything wrong but because He refused to leave me with an order and then move on...and He's still doing it...calling me to surrender....and when noone else will, God will tackle me...and I thank Him for that.
'The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped; therefore my heart exults, and with my song I shall thank Him.' Psalm 28: 7
God bless!

daydreaming

2006-02-27T13:23:00.000-08:00

if anyone feels the urge to buy me a hammock, feel free to indulge because I would be absolutely delighted...craving summer....when we move into our new house I plan to find my own little spot tucked away in the woods...somewhere I can slip away to with my guitar, pen, and a blank sheet of paper....already found a reading tree that is shaped a bit like a chair...ohh I can't wait...photography escapades...summer skirts...midnight adventures...bare feet digging into sand...the ocean at night...road trips to anywhere and everywhere...dance parties in the field...strawberries...absolute freedom...jam sessions...sun on bare skin...hammock naps in the shade...maybe some romance...who knows...my birthday...sigh...getting quite happily lost in all of this daydreaming...care to join in? ohh...how long till summer beckons....

5 absurdities as requested

2006-02-23T13:24:00.000-08:00

5 things about me that people may find absurd:

1)I have a stomach roll named Frederick.

2)One of my fav memories involves a fresh/crusty cow poo fight in England..it was an all out war...(amazing!) and after we jumped in a freezing cold river..(if anyone is up for challenge I'd do it again any day)...

3)I have been known to sleepwalk and climb into other peoples' beds, convinced that it was my bed.

4)If I'm in a mall with no $, and there are slopes, I find great joy in grabbing some pantyhose socks from the shoe store, wrapping them over my shoes, and
running and sliding to my heart's content.

5)When in a bathroom with plenty of extra rolls of tp, I enjoy starting wars by chucking them at other unsuspecting people in other stalls...(this became a tradition with my roomate Karin last year...)

there you are, if I think of more of if you think of more, let the writing begin!

and all that Jazz..

2006-02-20T10:04:00.000-08:00

a slender voice
low, smoothly coated
glossy with a hint of a purr
ripples its way through the song
it begins slowly
twining itself around the listener,
a sandy lining to a silk dress
brushing up against the skin,
it entices both the wearer and the observer
confidence grasped
the notes take color
streaks that stroke the imagination
taking flight
and then at its peak--an ivory tip tinged with gold,
it pulls you into a state of longing
and slipping back down it settles
dust that alights all over your body
but you are ignorant to the feel of it
only aware of the enchantment you were under

run, Forest, run..

2006-02-20T09:49:00.000-08:00

my sight is cloaked by darkness
like a thick veil it distorts the figures before me
the road is barely visible
yet its presence become painfully obvious after a single word-- run.
there's something compelling about the feel of our morning escapade
the blackness pulls you in, grasping at your jacket
replacing your shudders at the chill with a pounding heart
accompanied by quick intakes of breath--
this crisp morning air that seems possible to crumple & crack at the pressure of your fingertips
and so you soak it in gratefully, no longer thinking of the cold
but rather the muscles that are screaming at you 'Why?!'
& the sleep-induced brain that's trying to yell 'Bed!' over the din
so I wonder why I do it
maybe its the rare moments I find beautiful & still
like when a line of blurred figures become a string of silent shadows,
silouhetted against the trees when a car creeps up from behind--
sometimes I find myself running to catch the sunrise
an anticipated beauty, untamed, & the magic of a few glimpses through the trees spurs me on
eager to obtain the colours, to end my run with the perfect backdrop
leaving just enough room for the bright revelations of a new day

the death of something lovely...

2006-02-17T20:53:00.000-08:00

Jesus I miss you...your warmth...this longing may seem threadbare at times but part of me wants to keep it tucked away...just in case...just in case we fall in love again...see it's been awhile since I've really loved you...love is patient as you say...well my patience has an edge to it...I suppose I rub it up against my own walls too much...but there's something about you that smoothes over my roughness...my sarcasm...my futile attempts to be noticed...to be desired...something in this love that allows me to slip back into a place where noone notices & that is when you reach me...sometimes you reach into me..into this pool of mistakes & you select one...maybe small..maybe not..but you hold it up in front of me & next to you it looks so insignificant & before I can name it, it crumbles into dust...love forgives...I know you've forgiven me...so many burdens I've clung onto for hours or even years until you unclenched my fists & held me as I let out all the breath in me...shoulders shaking...& yet have I really forgiven myself? perhaps I pose this question in an effort to explain my regrets...but love does not hold grudges...so why do I delay you from this freedom you offer me...sometimes its as if I'm in mourning...as if something lovely has died...Jesus I miss being in love with you...I can't even define myself..this shadow I step into out of complacency...or perhaps open rebellion...you were a rebel once...perhaps you still are...compel me Father...your love is unresistable when I stop resisting...love me

dare me to move

2006-02-09T20:28:00.000-08:00

before you switchfoot-lovers correct me, let me explain...was listening to switchfoot sing the line 'I dare you to move like today's never happened before'....man it's tru tho...today has never happened before and never will again..and yet we breeze on thru it, looking forward to the next best thing...the next rewarding moment...but who says we should sit around waiting for it...that's why I implore you...challenge me! dare me to move! I certainly challenge you because who cares whether life is short or long...today has never happened before...we know we're all sick of meaningless internet convos, the occasionally brush of 'hi how are yous ' so man, step out..dare me to move...
..in the words of my good friends, 'Baumer' >"I don't want to wait, hoping for the perfect day, wasting everything I have right now..."

unrelenting pride

2006-02-07T12:24:00.000-08:00

its weird what something so stupid as pride can do to you..there's no denying the blame I'm shouldering is a result of my own stubborn self..pride insists on separating you.. in fact it can quite happily shut you off in a corner to contemplate all the way you've fallen on your face, and yet refuse to release you despite your open admittance of it..sometimes pride will surface from the smallest thing, the tiniest splinter that could have been plucked out in an instant but instead you allow it to drag you through a series of thorns, leaving you in a worst state & state of mind than before..pride can place you off to a far side of a room filled with friends, stamp the words 'go away' on your forehead, & convince you that this is normal..& necessary..you give into the temptation of the emotionally loud music, deafening what's left of your conscious self.. pitifully protesting a silent arguement, that noone else could possibly understand this brute of a box you've trapped yourself in..pride is a snare..in fact, I wouldn't recommend holding onto it..ever..if you do however insist on indulging, avoid the music, the corner, open your Bible for a healthy slap of sense upside your thick head..or I guarantee solid walls will spring up & you will find yourself on an endless rampage of thought much like the one I'm entertaining at this moment--oh I've been interupted..thank God...see..pride..is..a..waste..of..time.. .

why God should come between..

2006-02-01T20:04:00.000-08:00

it's quite sad I've found how both guys and girls treat their friendships as affirmations in a sense..it's not to imply that all friendships are this way..but from past experience, I used to use my friendships with guys to affirm me as a woman, to make me feel wanted through a bit of what I termed as harmless flirtation..but it wasn't something harmless because it took my focus off a completely different relationship..the one with my Lord and Savior.. a conversation with a friend who was struggling with his girlfriend because of some harmless flirtation, kinda spoke to me becuz I realized that my old reaction (sadly) would have been probably to call him up and flirt and try to comfort him by slipping in a usable verse or two...on the other hand, now that I've fallen for Christ, I can't quite figure out how a relationship could even work with somehow my concentration and love remaining on Christ alone...so I think God gives us a medium..a 3 chord strand as He puts it..becuz we can't do without him and yet in any friendship He has to be in between...so that's my focus at this point in time...correct me if I'm wrong..God bless...

an odd sort of neverland

2006-01-24T07:32:00.000-08:00

every little kid who's seen Peter Pan tries to picture Neverland, how it would feel to fly, to meet the Lost Boys & follow them along as they chase Indians, or explore the island, freely with all the reckless delight of a child who knows no bounds..I feel as if I met the Lost Boys quite recently, not to imply that they were 'lost' or even children..but more like men who've undertaken an adventure, quite like the Lost Boys of Neverland, where all their childlike qualities are evoked by their symphony...seeing the band "Anathallo" in concert for the 2nd time was an adventure in itself...to hear them play is not simply to hear a band, or to hear some music, but to watch music be deciphered & perhaps painted quite beautifully right before one's eyes...from battered old trumpets to dented pans to chains to piano, it felt like watching children who had mastered these instruments as grown men but refused to corner their worth & instead released their sound with cherished appeal, mixed with the appropriate volume of their own eager voices...at times I felt that I was standing before Heaven in that the music itself seemed to speak of the fragilty of man amidst God's majesty, a majesty offered to a childlike will, to compel a curiousity of God's wonder found within the music...I should not neglect Wendy of course....she stood out in a way from her band of boys, seemingly as peaceful as her character required..yet her eager hands did not fail to dance from one instrument to the next, her voice rising to accompany the sound...in all..I walked away with a fascination of one who has glimpsed a fairytale, hoping to be invited back once more...a fairytale deriving from the fairytale-norm to celebrate God in all His glory...I found it utterly refreshing...