just to be

God has really been challenging me to treasure the 'now'...or in my case, to reflect on and treasure the 'yesterday'...I cannot fully define the beauty of spending a day with God, but I'm going to try..
--yesterday morning I was making lunch and planning to watch t.v and felt God say something along the lines of, "why don't you put on some worship music and just spend time with me"..I pushed him away, thinking that I wasn't in the mood for a 'spiritual' experience...later I was listening to songs on my computer and a favorite came up that said, "why do you run, why do you hide, I just wanna be with you..I see you there watching t.v..but I just want to be with you"..so :grins: that was the 1st little jab from God that morning..
--later at school (tyndale) I had a break most of the day and so my friend, Mike, and I went for a walk around the block and started discussing God and the concept of just simply 'being with Him'...Mike told me the story of a guy who was skipping rocks on a river one day, and asking God what he was supposed to do, what did God want from Him..and he felt God say, 'I just want to skip rocks with you'...:grins: perhaps it seems a bit absurd, but I love that idea..sometimes I find myself going to God only when I'm in a 'spiritual place' or mood for God-stuff, but God really wants to be included in every part of our lives..I suppose I've known that all along but not really put it into practice so much..it's like a friend that you spend time with simply to appreciate them , not to get something out of the talks you share with them...so that was God's 2nd lil jab.."let us draw near with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith"--Hebrews 10:22
--that night I was eating dinner in the cafe and I felt this strong desire to sit off on my own and 'just be' with God...so I grabbed my cd player, put some worship music on (drewbrown>amazing worship songs) and just sat with God by the window, eating dinner with Him..I wasn't expecting to 'feel' anything in particular, just to invite him to my table..the sky was gorgeous so after dinner, God and I went up to the 6th floor balcony to check out the sky...I really see His majesty up there, past all the man-made buildings, minus all the city sounds, it was amazing to just stand up there enjoying who God is, through His creation...so to end my God-date, I went back to the Kat (student lounge) and played Him some love songs I've written for Him on guitar...just me and Him, off in a corner..man...it was the best date I've had in a long time...
--to finish the night I went to this bar called "Sneaky D's" to play guitar at this open jam thing that my friend was playing at...walked in not knowing anyone and felt instantly comfortable....big canvas on the wall for people to paint whatever they felt, sketchbooks on all the tables, ppl just jamming up on stage, embracing the feel of the music...fantastic atmosphere..so I went up on stage after a bit and started out with this song about Jazz...so after the Jazz song I realized that I really really wanted to share some songs that I'd written about Christ, but I was so scared because I didn't want to push God into people's faces and I don't know what I was really scared of but I felt God urging me to share..so I played some songs that were obviously about God and tho I was hestitant at first, I felt God encouraging me throughout the songs, just letting me know He was into it even if other ppl might not have been...overall the night was grand...."He was crucified because of weakness, yet He lives because of the power of God. For we also are weak in Him, yet we will live with Him because of the power of God directed toward you."--2 Corinthians 13:4
--this guy Chris gave me a ride home and earlier he had told me that my songs were cool but he sensed something in my voice that made it seem like I was holding back, from completely putting myself out there in the music..I had told him also that I went to bible school (Capernwray Harbour) last yr in BC and he asked what attracted me to the Bible, and I told him it was Christ that attracted me, just getting to know what He was about and His background..it felt so good to just be open about that, ya kno..we continued talking about church/where we derive our inspirations from and it was sweet to be able to just openly talk about it from different angles, no assumptions, no judging...and I told him that in playing I felt like I actually was holding back a bit because of the content of my songs, and even in God's prodding me, I was scared to share that intimacy I sang of with Christ...so it was cool to get an outside perspective on how I came across...I hope you invite God completely into your day because I guarantee, He will show up..."Draw near to God and He will draw near to you."--James 4:8

if words left a mark

'if words left a mark, would we say the same things?/I stand at your door, it is locked, and I am waiting/my fears are confirmed with a sigh/this is my first command, love God with all I am/the second is like it, this is what love is/our hearts although unseen, are always listening/this is the answer, who is my neighbor/I came took your hand, I learned your name, I danced around you/I taught you to dance around me/what's wrong in me may never be right/to fight and stand alone/we're crying on our own/we're dying on our own/if words left a mark, would we say the same thing?' (tom conlon)

I want to apologize to people I've hurt this week, unintentionally or intentionally (both are quite likely)..how often do we bruise people with our words...I think of people who have speaking disabilities and who struggle to get out even a few words...if my words were limited and I actually thought before I rambled, how much would I hold back, how many hurtful words would stay silent...I really love God, I really do...and I don't want to be someone who says that and holds onto that phrase while being afraid to step out and live it...how many times, even as a Christian, has Jesus been waiting outside my door to speak to me, to teach me, and I've held him off attempting to fill up my time with useless, temporary thoughts..'what's wrong in me may never be right'..I am quite hopeless on my own, but I find that God will meet me whereever...I love the concept of God saying 'I came, took your hand, learned your name, I danced around you'...there's something about knowing someone's name and gaining a connection, a chance to say hello...but do we really stop to learn it..to move on past the quick, 'hey-how-are-you-have-a-good-day's...sure we can't involve ourselves in everyones' lives, but why simply call our 'friends' by name, we should take their hand, and invest something more than the usual bit...'love is a many splendid thing'..so why cut short something so splendid...as my friend emphasized, 'today is a gift'...but why should we hunker down in some corner with this gift, wouldn't breaking free of that give us just a little more than we expected...Father, teach me to dance around You...forgive me for the marks I've left so carelessly...

..I stop somewhere waiting for you...

'failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged, missing me at one place search another, I stop somewhere waiting for you..' - walt whitman

long after the final scene of a kiss has faded from my mind, I know it will flicker back to that feeling..the one that sends tingles down my spine...whether provoked by an old romance flick such as "Pride and Prejudice" or simply by a glance held a few seconds longer than necessary...sigh I feel a bit silly typing this out, but whether my psychology notes were laid out to study or not, I think my thoughts would have been off in some other place...and so I write this now to sort myself out...I miss being romanced...true, because of a lack of a guy in my life I have been able to fall deeply in love with Jesus, and I would not trade that for the sincerest romance...but I must admit, I miss it...someone desiring my time, my friendship, my opinion, even just my presence...although I feel I have grown up alot since falling for Jesus...now I want a man who will challenge me to fall more deeply in love with Christ and at the same time show evidence that Christ is his 1st love...I want someone who will challenge me to step outside of myself and yet pull me back in when I most need it..someone who will put God before all that I want and who will push me to do the same...I could go on, but it feels a bit intimate to share on a blog....and plus mainly, the desire for Christ surpasses all other mentioned things...I'm not implying that I need anyone at this moment in time...sometimes it's just pleasant to daydream...rather girly of me, I suppose...all the same, whoever God has in store for me, I trust His timing is always better than mine....:grins:

..in a thousand years..

..'but I'm sure to have your love in a thousand years, yes I'm sure to have your love in a thousand years'... (-erich skelton)

..now I know this line was taken from a love song, and attributed to a person but people are temporary and as beautiful as the thought is, I'd much rather hear this from God..in fact, I feel lately like He's wooing me, with a love that is beautiful and strong and lasting...through 1000 years even...I can't imagine experiencing this love with anyone else, and I take joy in that fact, that God alone will take me aside to places that only He and I can share...love is patient...my friend gave me such a rewarding experience of patience the other night that brought my thoughts back to God in awe...we went snowboarding and no matter how many times I biffed it (fell), I'd look back up the hill and he was just sitting there, watching, and encouraging me...(I'm sure he was probably laughing a bit too) :grins:..but it felt so good to have someone want to teach me something and not give up on me...that's exactly how God treats us...sometimes the obstacles seem new/huge/scary but God will keep on helping us through it, and I find it amazingly comforting knowing that...its like I'm embarking on this adventure of who God is...and I'm completely blown away...

I gotta clearify, I am not a strong person and I find it odd that people think that sometimes...it's only because I am so messed up that God gives me all these cool revelations and thoughts...I found this verse today that kinda summed that up:
'..He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.- 2 Corinthians 12:9

invisible

ever feel like you're on fire with passion for something you really know nothing about and while you're slotting away your thoughts, your emotions are making a mad dash to bounce off walls, surging upward and outward til they have jolted every practical effort to gather your mindset. that's how God blows my mind--creating moments that I want to soak in all night and yet let everything happen at once...to love life as it is--no extra recipe to make it ideal. unpredictable. like a child's endless games of makebelieve and whether I feel invisible or not behind shut eyes I know that I am safe.

--something I had to write because my mouth was so flooded with grins that I couldn't quite hold back..sometimes God just takes you on a wild fling, right out of the blue....and I really admire that about Him...He doesn't settle for greeting us just in church, or bible setting, or on a Jesus-high...it's all about meeting us where we're at, from moseying his way into our daydreams or showing up on roadtrips....'I hate the world today, but I love the life You've given me'.-Starfield ...yea this world has its backaches and along with its aimless crooning, it gets a bit flippant...but this life God has given us...wow....I mean how can we hold back from Him...why in the heck do we get distracted and follow our own fickle games--when He can empty us and fill us up at the same time?...Christians...man we're messed up...but God is good eh...

'The steps of a man are established bythe LORD, and He delights in his way. When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong, because the LORD is the one who holds his hand."--Psalm 37:23-24
need I say more? No. because God's got it covered....what an amazing guy...

tackled by God again

I love how God will tackle me when noone will...
it's true...I had been complaining to a friend about the worship music at my church..it was droning, I felt like I was falling asleep/dying...blah, etc...I know deep down church does NOT rely on the music to meet God...I came to understand that last year through a church full of old people, and sometimes painful music..at first I went searching for the 'young, new, thriving church' with the cool music...but then I found one that blew me away...sure the pastor's wife would stand at the front and sing loudly in a (off-key) high-pitched voice...but the pastor was utterly and completely in love with God and it was through that love practiced in the church that God really challenged me then..so I know church is not about the hip music...but music is such a huge part of my life and to go to church dreading worship time really bothered me.

...but then...it happened....God tackled me big time...like in those rugby matches where a bunch of fellas in too- short shorts grab each other and throw themselves in a huge pile, like sumo wrestlers, like jackie chan...God pretty much tackled me like those things combined..maybe a funny picture but still...here's the thing... I must SURRENDER....God's tricky like that cuz surrending covers everything: trust, failures, regrets, successes, joys, pains, faith, rebellion, anger, hate...yea he pretty much can sideswipe us with that one word: surrender... our pastor spoke on Psalm 28 and it basically sumarizes the gist of all of my songs (so I fully related)...it took on a course of 'I fail>cry to God for help>I surrender>God calls me to do something hard (like forgive enemies)>God blesses me through that>=trust and a rescue by my Savior>God help me to bless other people>God please bless other people.

so it makes sense...and yet we question God so much...so so much...but that passage is basically the story of my life repeating over and over...our pastor focuses on verse 2 that says, '...I lift up my hands toward Your holy sanctuary'....usually in church people hold up their hands right? I feel pretty dumb doing it sometimes...I dunno..there's something uncomfortable about sticking my hands up in front of me while singing...but this verse puts it completely into perspective because by lifting our hands to God , we are implying that we surrender...actually we're proclaiming it..putting our hands up in a sense of release...like when the police yell 'stick your hands up' and you do it out of defeat, out of a sense that you can't do anything for yourself in that postition'....well I am not saying God is a cop, but can't you see! when we put up our hands, it's exclaiming that we are defeated without God...even when things are going swell..God calls us to surrender...it's such a beautiful picture to me....

so God gave me this idea of surrender on sunday and then on monday I went to a worship time at my school and one of the songs was surrender and I felt like God had tackled me all over again...not because I was doing anything wrong but because He refused to leave me with an order and then move on...and He's still doing it...calling me to surrender....and when noone else will, God will tackle me...and I thank Him for that.
'The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped; therefore my heart exults, and with my song I shall thank Him.' Psalm 28: 7
God bless!

daydreaming

if anyone feels the urge to buy me a hammock, feel free to indulge because I would be absolutely delighted...craving summer....when we move into our new house I plan to find my own little spot tucked away in the woods...somewhere I can slip away to with my guitar, pen, and a blank sheet of paper....already found a reading tree that is shaped a bit like a chair...ohh I can't wait...photography escapades...summer skirts...midnight adventures...bare feet digging into sand...the ocean at night...road trips to anywhere and everywhere...dance parties in the field...strawberries...absolute freedom...jam sessions...sun on bare skin...hammock naps in the shade...maybe some romance...who knows...my birthday...sigh...getting quite happily lost in all of this daydreaming...care to join in? ohh...how long till summer beckons....

5 absurdities as requested

5 things about me that people may find absurd:

1)I have a stomach roll named Frederick.

2)One of my fav memories involves a fresh/crusty cow poo fight in England..it was an all out war...(amazing!) and after we jumped in a freezing cold river..(if anyone is up for challenge I'd do it again any day)...

3)I have been known to sleepwalk and climb into other peoples' beds, convinced that it was my bed.

4)If I'm in a mall with no $, and there are slopes, I find great joy in grabbing some pantyhose socks from the shoe store, wrapping them over my shoes, and
running and sliding to my heart's content.

5)When in a bathroom with plenty of extra rolls of tp, I enjoy starting wars by chucking them at other unsuspecting people in other stalls...(this became a tradition with my roomate Karin last year...)

there you are, if I think of more of if you think of more, let the writing begin!

and all that Jazz..

a slender voice
low, smoothly coated
glossy with a hint of a purr
ripples its way through the song
it begins slowly
twining itself around the listener,
a sandy lining to a silk dress
brushing up against the skin,
it entices both the wearer and the observer
confidence grasped
the notes take color
streaks that stroke the imagination
taking flight
and then at its peak--an ivory tip tinged with gold,
it pulls you into a state of longing
and slipping back down it settles
dust that alights all over your body
but you are ignorant to the feel of it
only aware of the enchantment you were under

run, Forest, run..

my sight is cloaked by darkness
like a thick veil it distorts the figures before me
the road is barely visible
yet its presence become painfully obvious after a single word-- run.
there's something compelling about the feel of our morning escapade
the blackness pulls you in, grasping at your jacket
replacing your shudders at the chill with a pounding heart
accompanied by quick intakes of breath--
this crisp morning air that seems possible to crumple & crack at the pressure of your fingertips
and so you soak it in gratefully, no longer thinking of the cold
but rather the muscles that are screaming at you 'Why?!'
& the sleep-induced brain that's trying to yell 'Bed!' over the din
so I wonder why I do it
maybe its the rare moments I find beautiful & still
like when a line of blurred figures become a string of silent shadows,
silouhetted against the trees when a car creeps up from behind--
sometimes I find myself running to catch the sunrise
an anticipated beauty, untamed, & the magic of a few glimpses through the trees spurs me on
eager to obtain the colours, to end my run with the perfect backdrop
leaving just enough room for the bright revelations of a new day

the death of something lovely...

Jesus I miss you...your warmth...this longing may seem threadbare at times but part of me wants to keep it tucked away...just in case...just in case we fall in love again...see it's been awhile since I've really loved you...love is patient as you say...well my patience has an edge to it...I suppose I rub it up against my own walls too much...but there's something about you that smoothes over my roughness...my sarcasm...my futile attempts to be noticed...to be desired...something in this love that allows me to slip back into a place where noone notices & that is when you reach me...sometimes you reach into me..into this pool of mistakes & you select one...maybe small..maybe not..but you hold it up in front of me & next to you it looks so insignificant & before I can name it, it crumbles into dust...love forgives...I know you've forgiven me...so many burdens I've clung onto for hours or even years until you unclenched my fists & held me as I let out all the breath in me...shoulders shaking...& yet have I really forgiven myself? perhaps I pose this question in an effort to explain my regrets...but love does not hold grudges...so why do I delay you from this freedom you offer me...sometimes its as if I'm in mourning...as if something lovely has died...Jesus I miss being in love with you...I can't even define myself..this shadow I step into out of complacency...or perhaps open rebellion...you were a rebel once...perhaps you still are...compel me Father...your love is unresistable when I stop resisting...love me

dare me to move

before you switchfoot-lovers correct me, let me explain...was listening to switchfoot sing the line 'I dare you to move like today's never happened before'....man it's tru tho...today has never happened before and never will again..and yet we breeze on thru it, looking forward to the next best thing...the next rewarding moment...but who says we should sit around waiting for it...that's why I implore you...challenge me! dare me to move! I certainly challenge you because who cares whether life is short or long...today has never happened before...we know we're all sick of meaningless internet convos, the occasionally brush of 'hi how are yous ' so man, step out..dare me to move...
..in the words of my good friends, 'Baumer' >"I don't want to wait, hoping for the perfect day, wasting everything I have right now..."

unrelenting pride

its weird what something so stupid as pride can do to you..there's no denying the blame I'm shouldering is a result of my own stubborn self..pride insists on separating you.. in fact it can quite happily shut you off in a corner to contemplate all the way you've fallen on your face, and yet refuse to release you despite your open admittance of it..sometimes pride will surface from the smallest thing, the tiniest splinter that could have been plucked out in an instant but instead you allow it to drag you through a series of thorns, leaving you in a worst state & state of mind than before..pride can place you off to a far side of a room filled with friends, stamp the words 'go away' on your forehead, & convince you that this is normal..& necessary..you give into the temptation of the emotionally loud music, deafening what's left of your conscious self.. pitifully protesting a silent arguement, that noone else could possibly understand this brute of a box you've trapped yourself in..pride is a snare..in fact, I wouldn't recommend holding onto it..ever..if you do however insist on indulging, avoid the music, the corner, open your Bible for a healthy slap of sense upside your thick head..or I guarantee solid walls will spring up & you will find yourself on an endless rampage of thought much like the one I'm entertaining at this moment--oh I've been interupted..thank God...see..pride..is..a..waste..of..time.. .

why God should come between..

it's quite sad I've found how both guys and girls treat their friendships as affirmations in a sense..it's not to imply that all friendships are this way..but from past experience, I used to use my friendships with guys to affirm me as a woman, to make me feel wanted through a bit of what I termed as harmless flirtation..but it wasn't something harmless because it took my focus off a completely different relationship..the one with my Lord and Savior.. a conversation with a friend who was struggling with his girlfriend because of some harmless flirtation, kinda spoke to me becuz I realized that my old reaction (sadly) would have been probably to call him up and flirt and try to comfort him by slipping in a usable verse or two...on the other hand, now that I've fallen for Christ, I can't quite figure out how a relationship could even work with somehow my concentration and love remaining on Christ alone...so I think God gives us a medium..a 3 chord strand as He puts it..becuz we can't do without him and yet in any friendship He has to be in between...so that's my focus at this point in time...correct me if I'm wrong..God bless...

an odd sort of neverland

every little kid who's seen Peter Pan tries to picture Neverland, how it would feel to fly, to meet the Lost Boys & follow them along as they chase Indians, or explore the island, freely with all the reckless delight of a child who knows no bounds..I feel as if I met the Lost Boys quite recently, not to imply that they were 'lost' or even children..but more like men who've undertaken an adventure, quite like the Lost Boys of Neverland, where all their childlike qualities are evoked by their symphony...seeing the band "Anathallo" in concert for the 2nd time was an adventure in itself...to hear them play is not simply to hear a band, or to hear some music, but to watch music be deciphered & perhaps painted quite beautifully right before one's eyes...from battered old trumpets to dented pans to chains to piano, it felt like watching children who had mastered these instruments as grown men but refused to corner their worth & instead released their sound with cherished appeal, mixed with the appropriate volume of their own eager voices...at times I felt that I was standing before Heaven in that the music itself seemed to speak of the fragilty of man amidst God's majesty, a majesty offered to a childlike will, to compel a curiousity of God's wonder found within the music...I should not neglect Wendy of course....she stood out in a way from her band of boys, seemingly as peaceful as her character required..yet her eager hands did not fail to dance from one instrument to the next, her voice rising to accompany the sound...in all..I walked away with a fascination of one who has glimpsed a fairytale, hoping to be invited back once more...a fairytale deriving from the fairytale-norm to celebrate God in all His glory...I found it utterly refreshing...