my sanity has eloped

never thought they'd actually go through with it...I've caught glimpses of the reality of it, throughout the day...hints here and there, a few passed notes and though I managed to snag one, upon opening it I found only scribbles..

it seems my sanity has run off with my brain. I suppose you could see it from my sanity's point of view. after watching my brain slug its way painfully through exam after exam, it just couldn't take it anymore..somewhere in between the 'historical occasion of Galatians' and the 'literary nature of Revelation', the scaffold fell, crumpling my thoughts up with it, slicing off any extra room in my brain for notes to fit.

and so I sit here, in a bottomless pit of a library with only an elope story to spill out on the keyboard..with my brain gone it's quite peaceful and yet my sanity's absence is making me a bit delusional I think. time can pass by quite reasonably without much effort and I am quite happy to float along with it, having studied for the past 7 hours with no real breaks.

yay freedom has come in the form of my boyfriend to kidnap me.peace.

locked

stories:
-once at a christian youth centre I went to the bathroom while there was a concert and when I locked the door, the door knob fell off in my hand..meanwhile the concert had ended and they were just beginning the 'talk' and i wasn't about to start yelling in front of all those kids that I was locked in the bathroom...with some frantic whispers to my friend outside the door and a desperate effort to shove the doorknob back on, it opened. Thankyou Father.

-my sister got locked in the bathroom today for like 20mns..yelling and whining that the room was getting hotter and hotter...my dad finally freed her.darn.

THE END

[when inspired I shall write some more stories]

:grins:

my tribute to those I miss

in a missing mood....I miss...
..Emily Jones--all our good talks, picking up wherever we left off--girl I have been praying for you..

..Catherine Treme--Cat, you have no idea how much I miss just being able to call you you up and hang out and have a blast--good friends aren't always so accessible--can you please come up here and bring some good tunes so we can rock out!

..my fav spot on Thetis Island--this tree that resided in a particular cove, its branches curved around like two arms and I would climb up there to sit, feeling like God Himself was wrapping His arms around me

..Heather, Karin, and Lexi: girls I miss our talks, our pranks, our dance parties, our adventures--still blown away everytime I think about how God worked in us as sisters that amazing year..I miss sleeping on the dock and freezing our butts off, sneaking out to boys' cabins and stealing shoes and the look on their faces that next morning..the 'pen' dance...singing 'wade in the water' with laundry baskets on our heads..man I'm gonna write a whole other blog on chbc stuff that I miss I think--there's so much...

..Jess--my mentor, friend, sister in Christ--man you really really spoke so incredibly into my life all throughout high school and after..my goal is to be as good and as strong a leader for someone as you were for me

..warm South Carolinian weather...I hate the cold...don't think I'll ever cherish it.

..Folly Beach--sitting on the boardwalk playing guitar, walking along that gorgeous stretch of ocean and sky, dophins, surfing/boogieboarding..

..Janie--remember that time we were too young to sign for ourselves for surfing so that kayaker did it..ha that was the best..man I really miss your energy/craziness, good times.

..England--gorgeous countryside, farmhouse chock full of memories that pull me in no matter how old I am..

..concerts at NBT--man I miss DSB shows especially, rocking out, everyone singing/yelling the words, ppl jumping off stage, the lights, the crowd...it was a rush..

..pushing my sister in a barrel down a hill in the Village.

..Caitlin Wood--you were my first good girlfriend here and I still don't think you realize how much of a treasure your friendship has been to me...

..Jen --let's go back to the poo-tree.more photo shoots need to be done.

..bonfires at Dan Huizengas with everyone home and voices mixed with guitars, and the fire just enough to push the cold back from our circle

..driving that car of ryan's thru the woods at night, no doors, swinging around like a crazy bunch of lunatics.

..rd tripping with the boy I love

..rd tripping with Hannah and Laura--water guns, silly string, lais, flat tire, that adventure had the works

..throwing water balloons over a hedge at people on the island

..playing guitar in a smoky firelit setting with four boys, a harmonica, some banned oysters, stolen bread, and some poetry readings..

..climbing up thru shadows that split giant trees in half with their display and moss covered rocks that looked like buildings in the forest..a little rope to guide us up to a view that was better than anything I've ever seen before--mnts, ocean, man I miss Malibu..

..Jay when he's away at school..

..toilet papering ppl's houses in the dark and squealing away like the true night bandits we were..

..I could go on, and on and on, cuz life is so grand, but I must cut it short or else I will never stop...but I needed to get this out cuz I was in a missing mood.

stringing my bow

I could write a really classic emo song right about now..lately it seems like people have been slinging really hurtful arrows at each other...nitty-gritty stuff too, not even stuff that's big enough to cause a ripple, and yet people latch onto tiny comments and string their bows and fire away, no thought to the consequences...why are humans so desparate to be right? such a trivial thing to let a conversation go without getting the last word and yet we hold on to the fight, until its stretched past even the point of recognization...
...how does love hold on so strongly through it all?...how does God bear it? I bet if we were to picture our words as arrows God would be matted with scars...how does He stand us?? with our fickle foundations..one minute we are singing praises in church and embracing Him, the next we have bruised someone so badly it takes a week to recover...God I'm crying out to You right now for peace! Father give us peace! Give us shields, instructions, push us Father to accept the challenge of living a life solely dependant on You...give us dreams Jesus to consistently love...I pray this in the name of Jesus Christ.
Amen.

laughter is the shortest distance between two people

if you feel compelled to read a work of hilarity, by all means go to my other blog:
www.slipmeagrinortwo.blogspot.com

read "laughter is the shortest distance between two people".

aw man last night was incredible..

I'm quite in love you see.

No wonder I'm smiling.
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God truly does great things...

"What do you think of the name Tommy's? my dad asked. "Ha," I laughed, "it sounds like a seafood place--are you kidding?"

How could I have known God's amazing plan back then--not in my craziest dreams could I have foreseen the blessings that would stem from the creation of Tommy's; blessings that molded and shaped my life and those around me. Tommy's Interactive is a church that my dad started in Columbia, SC. It is still going on and while most of the original people have left, there are a few crazy followers that have stuck around to invest their lives in this beautiful operation, inviting many more new faces to the picture of what Tommy's is about. The name "Tommy's" comes from Thomas, one of Jesus's disciples. Now, Thomas liked to ask Jesus alot of questions and although some of the disciples may have questioned him for this, I think secretly in their minds alot of them were thinking, "Man, I was wondering that too." Thomas is also known of doubting that Jesus had come back until Jesus did indeed reveal Himself with the marks on his hands from the nails. So what can you take from a guy like Thomas? Doubt and questions? Indeed, Tommy's goal was to be a church where people could voice exactly that---and it did, and people found that it was different. Sure, we had our flaws--I mean hey- we were encouraging doubt and questions--but because God was the foundation, we took stuff right to Him, right to His scriptures....it was beautiful.

My dad encountered quite a few churches that didn't want the kind of people we had in our church--misfits I guess you could say--and other churches refused to help, and would you believe--my dad had more support and encouragement from non-Christians than Christians...shows you something...we are all prone to human-like notions and ideals and behaviours and it's quite suprisingly sad sometimes...but God forgives and He chose to influence Tommy's with the most unlikely people...and it worked...take our family for example, a family of 6, trying to get our green card in a country we've lived in for 12 yrs--not wanting to abandon our british citizenship for american we danced around the outskirts of that but alas, our green card was rejected and every thing my parents did was bittered by all the loopholes they had to jump through as non-citizens...and God wants us to begin and continue a church?! God's reasoning is insane I think but as the same time I suppose it's logical in His realm because He sees the big picture...and so we stayed in the states on a visa and other technicalities and God made it possible...looking back on Tommy's I realize I don't know too many of the stories in there, but the stories that took place within God's church setting rippled off of everyone who took notice...and God was in all, and through all...

at one or two points I realize I may have bragged on Tommy's to other people because the setting itself felt cool. For example: One building we got for free in downtown Columbia and we took one look at the 80's-style colors slashed across the walls, and painted the whole thing black. We made traffic lights out of old computer modems and set them up for the stage. We took a computer and put a light in it and a glass top over it and made funky tables. Concerts were held in that building and who cared if it got messed up--the whole thing was gonna be torn down in 6 months (why do you think we got it for free). Half of it was already torn up--something us photography-lovers found rewardingly fascinating.
Another building we stayed in for a while used to be a hole in the ground--was transformed into an underground Christian cafe (Jammin Java)--the space was long and people were sprawled on couches and behind tables across this artsy setting and it felt safe and sweet.
One time we held church at 11ish in a "Rising High" Cafe...the sweetest part of that building was the basement (we had planned to eventually use in the future)....it was huge and the acoustic were sweet and I couldn't help belting out a few notes whenever I was down there alone...the back part of it was torn up with trashed bathrooms and smashed toilets and ---man I'm getting off topic--haha see how it still gets me going...
But after listing all the cool places, I think back to settings like a top floor of a building and an old health gym room and when I can't find anything 'cool' to talk about that transfers me to to the people of Tommy's....man they're all amazing...

I suppose a few posh churches were skeptical of our church cuz we had such a strange mix..hahah, there was our family, with my parent sporting the accent and us kids trying to pretend it was still in us; random people from all areas and ages of life; a bunch of people sporting crazy tatooes/piercings/and crazy hairstyles (in some cases, smelly hairstyles-haha)....but man, when you get down to it, it's not about how we or those settings came across, it's the reason God brought us all together, into that setting....honestly though I knew pretty much everyone in the church, I only really knew specific individuals---haha I was young, a teenager, and usually rushing off after church to random social gatherings...but within the church man, we got to experience so much of God's love.. because of the different backgrounds, we'd all seen God's love in different ways, in different community settings and it was like a giant meltingpot of God's love...can't get much better than that!

Some fantastic people spoke into my life there: Wendy, our 33 yr old dj who gave me her guitar to learn on and would take me ice skating every sat night--man we had a blast. it was usually us and a bunch of random college couples on those late sweet cold night; Sharon and Jeanette who invited me in to this hospital to share in doing a bible study with a bunch of roughed up girls who felt no love in store for them--and because of Sharon and Jeanette's consistence and love, felt like they could open up a bit of them to even a pastor's kid like me...man I remember so clearly talking about Jesus's life with one of those girls..she'd never heard it before and I had never shared it like that before...man God's hand was on that bible study; Luke was one of the original guys in our church to do worship stuff (He's off in Iraq now I believe) and he took me in onto the worship team with no previous experience, just a love for God's worship songs; there were a whole community of people who were at Tommy's who'd arrived, homeless, churchless, we'd seen them change from broken individuals to ones who were embracing God through marriages, through births, and baptisms. I had the amazing opportunity to be baptized by my dad under a bridge in a river that was cold and muddy and, according to those who were watching, also being visited by a snake that was perched on a branch pretty close to me......but man, it was a huge blessing to be surrounded by a church that meant so much to me, by my dad who I love so much, friends and family that supported me and those other people to be baptized that day, and our amazing and loving God who brought it all together overseeing it all...Thankyou Father for that chapter in my life.. it was a huge long chapter...some parts were painful and confusing...some extrordinary...on a whole looking back, God's power is even more evident in the plan that unfolded during our time there...I pray for Tommy's as it is still going on; I pray for those involved and their hearts for God that they would "trust in the Lord with all their heart and lean not on their own understanding" (I can't remember that reference but it's been ringing in my head lately).....God bless Tommy's and those in it....God truly does great things...

tucked away

I think my fav place to sit in tyndale is tucked away behind one of the giant curtains that drape the cafeteria windowsils...it's interesting how a piece of fabric can give one such a sense of privacy...and I suppose I may look a bit silly to anyone who notices--two mismatched socks sticking out from behind a giant leaf-patterned curtain, but I'm willing to sacrific silliness for comfort to be quite honest...I luv curling up with a good book in a windowseat--my Grandma and Pa Bill have a big one in their old farmhouse in England and the window looks out into my Grandma's garden..sigh I love it...and the room that the windowseat's in, usuallly is sporting a nice toasty fire....man I love fireplaces...they make room's seem much friendly in winter and people just a bit more cuddly and blankets just a little more inviting...sigh...I guess that's one good thing about winter...cuddling in front of a fireplace...and snow is pretty--I can't deny that...but the cold---ughh...it's funny the difference between my past 2 new years. 2005 I was at a concert dressed as a rock star, and the day after I was at the beach with a coconut and my best friend, sipping sparkling apple juice out of a tall green bottle. 2006 I was on a video scavenger hunt and then at 3ish in the morning I found myself tobogganing on a small slope with some friends and some cherry cigars....who knows what will happen this year...eager for a suprise...I suprised my boyfriend with a movie the other day, got all his close friends in as actors--it was amazing...discovered later on that day that I have a hidden passion for driving a bashed up car at full speed thru the woods at night, and pulling 360's in random fields...sigh...see now I'm cravin it...man it was exhilarating...wanna know a secret: I keep telling everyone I hate snowboarding but a tiny tiny part of me wants to learn more...cept I don't like letting ppl or myself down when I suck at stuff..but who knows...winter may find me secretly trudging up hills to bomb my way down until I get good enough to show someone...either that or I'll just resign myself to another scrapbooking rampage--those are fun...I got quite a bit accomplished this summer...memories--sigh...I love recording em...k I suppose I should end this random shpeel of thoughts...altho I quite enjoyed it...I'll be doing this again sometime...:grins:

sustain me Father

due to a amazingly beautiful conversation that I just had with my friend Heather, my heart is wielding revelations that need to be said....it was one of those conversations where God enters into discussion and suddenly with every response, a new and fantastic thought is uncovered about His inscrutable love leaving your mind all breathless and energized at the same time..

we talked about man's love on its own (separate from God's pure love) and whether it can withstand anything...I was reading a book called "Searching for God knows what" by Donald Miller and he discusses the fall of mankind and its effect on our sense of love...basically, before the fall, Adam and Eve were as intimately close to God as possible--their hearts were right out on the front lines before God and viceversa...after the fall however, the break of that intimacy came from their betrayal and with that tear in the relationship, there was room for fears and doubts and insecurities to crawl in....

when I have those seemingly rare and beautiful moments where my eyes hold noone's gaze but Jesus's, I feel right...no right as in right or wrong but right as in this is how it is meant to be...sooner or later that moment is broken into by my weak flesh but it is in those times that I feel fully sustained---in no need of anyone else's love to approve me or validate me...because God' s love is so pure that it does not draw our eyes to ourselves but to Him and in all His glory, how can we feel insecurity when all His essence reflects security...

Heather and I were asking ourselves if we can feel satisfied on this earth when in close contact with Jesus as such....I personally feel that even when glorifying God on this earth, He never asks us to be fully satisfied...I'll try to explain my earlier thought process..there's a verse that came to mind from the Bible, encouraging us to 'long for the pure milk of the Word, so that by it we may grow in respect to salvation' 1Peter 2:2........comparing us to newborn babies and the thought occured to me from this that milk is made to sustain us and sustain suddenly took on a new strength in my mind because we are encouraged to grow and what is growth really but something that is consistently occuring...satisfaction implies that we have reached an goal, an end of some sort that we were striving for...to be sustained implies to me that God desires us to keep learning about Him, keep growing in His knowledge, keep on loving Him through the rough times and the good and there is no ultimate satisfaction in this and that is OK....

I imagine that in coming from Heaven and all it's perfect beauty, Jesus did not feel complete on earth or satisfied until He completed His Father's work and returned to Heaven...I don't presume to have a full theological understanding of Jesus's time on earth, but from glimpses here and there that the Bible gives us I feel that to be sustained, (or provided for as my Bible termed it in the Concordance) is the closest and most intimate level that God can give us...I believe in Heaven, we will feel satisfaction unlike anything we've ever known and I can not wait for that day but I think on this earth, in this time, here, today, God wants to sustain us in our growth as we move towards Him over and over and over...

when I examine my own relationship with Jay or even with friends, I see a love that binds us as strong as we know...but on its own, this love can be breached by fears and worries and doubts that will continually attack our relationships borders....but when I move this relationship to a different setting in my mind, where both of our hearts and eyes and seeking to be fixated on Jesus, I see a hope for a love that is stronger than what we hold---when filtered through God's knowledge of how a relationship should be, it is a love purely of Jesus that can sustain our relationship here on earth...when I think about this picture in my mind, of these relationships with my family and friends and especially with Jay that I treasure the most right now being threaded to a relationship with a God of love---that picture is where I find security, sustination and a true sense of being provided for...God bless...

flood

I caught a glimpse of what people in New Orleans must have felt like as they watched their belongings washed away, and later were forced to pick up those pieces...it was a very small glimpse of that but it was a burden all the same...my basement flooded due to a huge thunderstorm and because my family is waiting to move, alot of our boxes were stored down there...my face crumpled throughout the process of mopping up the water because with each infected, watery box, some family treasures had been soaked...perhaps it seems silly to mourn books, but I have a great love of them, especially our children's books from england--I dunno, they pull me back to times of reading with my parents, and to see them soaked and sticky with water tugged at my tears...while wiping off several old photos of my parents, a piece of me felt like it was being torn but I was numb and I couldnt' feel it and it occured to me that it was the same sort of feeling I would expect to feel one day when my parents weren't around any more...the idea startled me and I felt quite peturbed at the sense of it, but at the same time I felt numb to the emotion it would entangle...

thanks to mr. huizenga, he and I finished mopping up the basement in a much quicker time than I would have been able to accomplish on my own...I think, had I been forced to face it on my own, I might have cried throughout the process...but with his aid and the busyness of moving boxes I numbed my way through the experience and it was only when we got back to the concert at the huizengas and cait and jen sidled up to give me a hug, that the numbness took its leave...a few tears and explanations did the trick and I was able to cast the memory aside for the rest of the night...

I think, in hindsight, only a few things were messed up..it's interesting, what experiences pull at our emotions, sometimes teaching us a few things about others' experiences, like the concept of a real flood...I think as a kid I always pictured a flood like a big wave pool in the house, but now its sunk in as entailing so much more...sigh...the things we learn

open invitation

my friends captivate me...a strong word: captivating; but I believe it holds true for last night's event...it was an open invitation to be entranced by a string of delightful people who chose to simply 'be'...let me explain..picture an old scarred barn, that from the outside would seem like any other barn were it not for the skateboard ramps that invited one up to a door that occasionally was slung open; light spilling its way out with the strains of music and laughter.....

inside, both the stage and the seats were more skateboard ramps, and people were sprawled all over the lower ramps, tucked into corners of rafters, legs dangling freely off higher ramps...so there we all were, occasional dancers would jump up to spin and twirl with the melodies, cheers erupted at the sight and giggles slipped their way into the dance's texture...each musician that greeted the stage, tackled the ramp with their own speed in hopes of reaching the top to grant the audience the songs they expected...dawna truly captivated us with a new song of hers and I found myself with an equal invitation to be spellbound at her words...

due to a flooded basement I missed the majority of the magic...but the magic remained til the very end, holding us all on the hard sloped floors til the last melody had sailed off with the song "darker blue lines" by the wedding party, a perfect ending to find oneself on her feet, swaying to the particular song....the night itself was thrilling....contributing my music to this faithfully attentive crowd drilled nerves into my voice, but the desire to add my own thread to this artwork overwhelmed that, and it was a beautiful night to sing....indeed, it twas a beautiful night to sing...thankyou...

wink ;)

it's been entirely too long of a stretch since I last blogged...usually it's an escape from the clutter in my head, a chance to get something out that needs to be spilled...and it's not like I haven't thought about things lately but nothing's really pulled me towards the keyboard...so I'm blogging merely for the sake of blogging and I suppose I'll just write w/e comes to mind..

The 3 beans diagram from Winking Circle has stuck with me, especially the concept of being a fool....I think lots of times I'm afraid to step out and be a fool, minus the occasional blonde moments and it was quite refreshing last night to find myself surrounded by my colourful friends, unashamedly sporting their wigs/crazy eyes/and cruising around on their insanely decorated art bikes...I like the idea of being weird to live in the moment and doing w/e really crosses your mind such as dancing on street corners...after leaving the group Jay attempted a few times to pull me into swing-dancing mode and for all of my desire to just let go, there was something about the city and all its people that made me hold back...a fear to look just a little bit silly maybe...but why? the city is amazingly packed with faces and while it's so easy to fear reactions from them, is it really that likely that you will ever see them after that passing silly moment? prolly not and yet my self-conscious nature would not let my goofiness break out...sigh...it's really not as hard as I'm making it out to be is it? I want to redeem every part of my day....I won't ever have a July 1st, 2006 Saturday again---I can't just let it skim by...so from here on...I will do w/e I feel compelled to....and right now I feel compelled tooooooo............uhh......get offline....and so it begins

triggered

there have been an assortment of ideas flitting through my head since I woke up this morning with a terribly sad feeling, the kind that pulls such a heavy weight behind it that it compells one to feel a bit sick too at the very thought...the sad feeling was triggered by a horrible nightmare I experienced last night..I've been trying to figure out why the nightmare was introduced to me in the first place and the following conclusion is what I've come up with: seems that Satan's biggest weapons in this case to me are fear+lies..old fears from past failures, past struggles come back to haunt me sometimes, and that's when I'm tackled with lies..lies that defend the fears and heap the blame on myself..lies that twist the way I see the past with the reality of it...both lies+fear can't seem to stand when things are going swell for me, and it's at that point that they begin to rear their ugly heads, taunting me with their riducules..
..I suppose its in dreams/nightmares that our inner fears are so easily released..in this particular nightmare, I experienced the horror of catching my boyfriend cheating on me with some girl...at first they played ignorant to my accusations and then began to justify their 'innocence'...doubts began to spring up about my worth, if I was good enough for him, and in comparison to 'her' --what did I have to offer?...the first time I woke up from this horrible dream I just lay in bed for a bit trying to soak it all in...I drifted off to sleep again to find myself asking them "why?" but my analyzations and questions did me no justice and when I woke up again the sick feeling was still there...
..the irony of this nightmare is that it has happened to me, with my first boyfriend, Brandon, and although the circumstances and the people were different, they followed the defense of ignorance to justifying also...let me say, however, that there has been nothing in my relationship with Jay that he has done to trigger such a nightmare...in fact he's offered more security for me than any other relationship I've known...I suppose Satan finds this affection disgusting and therefore is using my old fears against me in this case, as I stated earlier...it sickens me think that Satan can twist our thoughts in such an extreme way...I don't know what hand Satan has in dreams/nightmares, but I know that God does not use our sins against us. ever. and so I conclude with the knowledge that God has the best in mind for us and I simply have to give this up to Him, in asking Him to protect me from the falsity of last night...I trust that my relationship with Jay will last as long as God wills and I have to to trust...its about a faith that remains dependent through the rough moments...I think the more you begin to care about someone, the more the fears of losing them begin to appear...I can't grant that nightmares will be solved, but I can put my hope in God's strength, versus my own...

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way." Psalm 139:23-24

"If I take the wings of dawn, if I dwell in the remotest part of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, and Your right hand will lay hold of me. If I say, "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, and the light around me will be night, even the darkness is not dark to You, and the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You." Psalm 139:9-12

the golden pass

although there have been a jumble of thoughts staking their claims on my list of priorities, it seems one is always bound to escape from the pushing and shoving, strutting its way up to my brain, waving its bright golden pass for me to let it out..I swear it's like a mosh pit in there sometimes, these thoughts, man, they're tough, will take a few punches just to be heard..and I can see the shape of this particular thought in my mind, but the details have not become quite clear yet and so as I proceed to write, I hope the image with become more focused..on a side note, someone's offered me a free darkroom so that's a pleasent thought..oh sorry, mr-golden-pass's image is shaking his fist, evidently he requires all the attention...if I could make out his face I'm sure brows would be pinched together, and perhaps nostrils flaring..alright then I'd better get on with it... he's holding up a flashcard that says "friends"....
..friends..I think we slot too many people into that category nowadays..and with each new addition to our life we lose a little bit of intimacy..you can't have intimacy with every friend..friends are supposed to be there when one is down, an available hug or shoulder to lean on..while I was in south carolina I began to realize which were my dependable friends, which acquaintances had slid under the roped-off friend area, and I don't mean to blame the acquaintances, I suppose we must blame ourselves in that matter, for labeling people before they're actually proven a friend...there were friends who knew I was in town but didn't follow that up, and a bit of what we once had, or what I assumed we'd had, slipped away...and then there were my best friends, girls that slid a bit of fun into each day I was there, welcomed my boyfriend, approved of him, and stuck around long enough to get to know him...
..it's strange, because in south carolina I had a bunch of one-on-one friends, no one specific group and it was interesting bringing them all together to visit the zoo, and other slotted experiences that had to be planned on the trip...here in uxbridge, I find it amusing, I suppose, the difference..here my friends are all one big group of friends, that have meshed lives together and thousands of memories to hold on to and laugh about...they welcomed me with open arms and I can't thank God enough for that..but it's still hard, the contrast...finding a closeness in a midst of this crowd...the girls are closer to me than the boys, and I think I like it that way..good girlfriends are always needed...and my past friendships with boys were always skewed in one way or another....and though I don't limit my friendship opportunities I find that I"m hoping some really strong friendships will spring up...closest girlfriend I have is caitlin wood..amazing gal...
...I hope God really begins to define real friendships for me here, and doesn't just let me take what I can..there are some precious people here, and in south carolina...it's about taking a few risks and investing...God keep me accountable...
..there the thought has left the building, stumbled a few times in his delivery speech but I think he is quite satisfied with the final result...I think I am too...

I luv this kid...my bro's the best

there's something that grabs me about my little brother....coolest kid I know by far...sweet temperment, just lookin' for people to look up to, and boy did he find one today...perhaps it was the invitation to the treefort, or the sweet drum beat lessons that caught Jordan's attention..prolly both...I was sitting up in "The Room" (music jam area) at Jay's parents' house, watching his older bro, Ben, lead Jordan through a series of beats...my bro's face was dancing back and forth from one of fixated concentration as he counted out the beats, to slips of frustration that appeared with each miscalculated tap...his face would screw up at his mistake and apologies kept spilling out to which Ben would chuckle in response and say, "it's ok, keep going.." found myself fascinated at Jordan's determination to get it perfect, this first time, anything to impress his audience of two...no doubt Ben was amused by the innocent show of expression that kept popping up in Jordan's toothy smile...at the end of our visit, Jordan emerged from the house, loaded up with dirtbike magazines..haha...he's hooked...poor kid arrived home feeling carsick from having his eyes glued to the mags during the drive...ha I luv it...It struck me how much I was impressed by Ben's gentle attitude towards my bro...this poor kid stuck with 3 olders sisters, goodness knows he needs some good male role models...and Ben seemed to slide into that role perfectly today...(so Ben if you read this thanks)...
..for all you big bros out there, man don't brush off that kid that looks up to you...the tiniest bit of time you invest means a buttload of admiration...nothing worth resisting cuz of the priorities you think you have...bros come first...no doubt about it...and boys need big guys to step in and help mold...man...groovy...my bro's the best..and he doesn't even know it..:grins:

locked in the past (prt 1)

locked in the past..that's where my childhood is...sure I can unlock memories to it, spill a few stories here and there, but it's still locked...sure I can act like a kid, but those actions don't make me a kid again...someday I hope to have a kid or two, but though a sliver of me will be there, it won't be me really...today I was reflecting on what I miss about being a kid...so here goes:

--boys and girls didn't date..they had huge pinecone wars...we got the treefort, the boys got the forest floor
--an old blue water barrel = a mini-pool, a toy to walk about on (and fall off of), an endless entertainment to put people (usually a little sister) in, and push down a hill
--treasure hunts with smarties and babybel cheeses created by my dad
--crawling into my dad's lap for some good ole narnia stories
--the jokes I told always seem hilarious
--hanging on stubbornly to my dad's back pocket, insisting that he pull me up the hill on my roller skates
--telling stories I thought were amazing, oblivious to whether anyone was really listening or not
--sitting in the gutter in my bathing suit after it had rained
--anything the big kids did was impressive
--a sweet old lady's remote controlled chair was like a sweet ride
--a sweet old lady's dog was my best friend
--an old man's truck with poles was a sweet jungle gym (until we were yelled at)
--sat. was sweet (candy day)

that's part 1 when I think of more I'll add...but i'm hungry so food is taking over my mind...ahh...i'm out

the best present you can give urself

is...a hot shower
I mean it's a perfect gift...it soothes, distracts, comforts, cleanses...allows you to drift off to a place between sleep and consciousness...it gives you its full attention....after being cold and wet all day I found it as satisfying as I thought it would be...turned it up as hot as possible...sigh..there's nothing to beat that...and then the previous chilly air that I felt before the shower, changed into a refreshing breeze the instance I stepped from the steam...ooh la la it was good.

validated

I was with one of my friends the other day and on several occasions found myself experiencing the desire to wrap my arms around him and tell him that he is amazing...not because of any attraction to him, but because I began to think about how many of my friends just don't know their good qualities because there is noone stepping out to invest that sense in them...I encourage you to go to God first and foremost for love because love originates from God and I don't think any one person can portray that kind of love..but it makes one think....I was with another friend and were just chatting and I said, "You know what you need?" "A girlfriend?" he said quite bitterly and I replied with something along the lines of a crazy road trip..but it got me thinking, we don't need someone of the opposite sex to validate us, it is not necessary to find comfort, but the thought of some girl stepping into this boy's life and fully appreciating him for who he was, was something I was really longing for him to have...not just him, but for a few of my friends...one of my close girlfriends thinks she is not beautiful, and I can't even comprehend why, because to me, she is gorgeous, both physically and spiritually...but my compliments seem to bounce off her...God created man and woman to be together and sometimes it is through someone else that He spills His love into us....I fell for Jesus, like fully in love with Him, and He was the first to make me feel worth something....I treasure that but I also take great joy in dating Jay and God has used him to convey a bundle of insecurities to me, and really it just feels great to be cared about in this way...I hope this post doesn't make the singles feel frustrated, but these thoughts have been running through my head and how God has specifically created other people to validate us, and what a beautiful thing it is...I really long for my friends to feel God's love first and then experience it vividly through another person...that is what I hope for you...

alice in wonderland

lucky for alice, her wonderland didn't have an aroma of poo as the countryside tends to flaunt these days..mine however was quite delightful... I fought a tiger--bare armed, managed to tame the beast in spite of a few scratches...went exploring in a cave and found some jewels, thousands of them, catching the sunlight, and when I pulled them out, shaking off the dust they crumbled...seems like the cave had some sort of spell...caught a glimpse of a giant sea turtle--was tempted to hop up and ride it but held back...I pass it every now and then...
..I must say I love my imagination...perhaps it comes from burying myself in books since I was a kid...crossing into peoples' stories with a flick of the page...at the end of the book I always felt a bit disappointed, as if I'd been invited into a secret garden, had an assortment of adventures, and then suddenly been ushered out unexpectedly when all I wanted to do was stick around and carry on with the people I had learned so well...working in a real garden all day by myself can get quite boring so I find that by carrying my thoughts off on explorations, time is filled in...there's something about working in the garden too that refreshes me, clearing away these dead leaves (although sometimes they turn into jewels and catch me by suprise), making room for new growth...I quite like the feeling of satisfaction that settles over me at the end of the day...I suppose Alice's Wonderland was full of nonsense and since I sound a bit loony I guess I fit right in to that sort of world...if you find your mind wandering sometime, indulge and see where it takes you...no guarantees but who knows..

treasure trove

I happened to pick up my mother's Bible yesterday, simply out of intrigue I suppose...while flipping through it I found notes spilling out, pages of quotes intertwined with Bible verses..it was beautiful...but what was most precious to me was when I found different verses she had underlined, places that God had clearly told ahold of her heart and spoken to her through them....and I felt like God awakened me to something beautiful--you see, I've heard the Bible called "The Living Word" before but never really defined that term to myself..but here, in this precious Bible, was evidence that God is Alive, that He is and has been Living his Word out through my mom's joys, through her trials, and through verses that He specifically gave her to fill up whatever she was lacking in....what a blessing..I then picked up my dad's Bible and found similar notes, not in the same verses exactly, but the fact that he too found specific verses important enough to underline, something that God specifically drove into his heart...I realized, I am so blessed that I can pick up my parents' Bibles, and see evidence that God is working in their hearts...my Bible has become a close friend--to the extent that I miss it if I stay away too long...it holds jewels in it, jewels that speak of failures..times I've fallen on my face and God has scooped me up into His arms...jewels of humour that God has happily pointed out in His scriptures...my friend, Caitlin, and I went exploring in an old antique mall and happened to find an old testement of someone's..and it was soo astounding to see places that this person had marked and so incredible to know that God continues to live out His Word, through speaking to our hearts, whether we know each other's stories or not...there are carefully placed treasure troves in our Bibles...God is real and alive and I take so so much joy in that...I pray that your Bible reveals its jewels to you and that God writes them on your heart...God Bless...

diaries

"2am and I'm still awake writing a song,
if I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me,
threatening the life it belongs to.
and I feel like I'm naked in front of a crowd
cuz these words are my diaries screaming out loud,
and I know that you'll use them however you want to" (anna nalick)

"No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten" (Natasha Bedingfield)

...so basically these ladies have captured it, the essence of song writing I mean...a story that's dying to spill out, and you can feel it inside of you...kind of hard to explain really...maybe its like being pregnant..I wouldn't know..but that's what comes to mind...I dunno, its this feeling inside of you that's always been there I suppose, or maybe it was picked up through an experience of some sort, something that cries for a voice, a memory, a moment, and so what can you do but pick up a guitar and wait for it to slip out...sometimes..most times my lyrics stampede their way onto the paper, leaving the notes to frantically pick themselves up and my fingers to somehow pull them along in the same direction...sometimes we get lost in some back alley, my fingers and I but the lyrics are patient..after all they've been waiting for the right moment, the fingers and the notes deserve the same treatment...so in this jumble of confusion and song makes its way out, sometimes all the way...sometimes it signals that it's not quite ready to face the world, and that's fine, I used to be shy too...God's beginning to show His Glory through me, though the stage is still quite scary at times...man, it's exactly like Natasha says, you feel so vulnerable in front of a crowd because these words may hold so much weight for you but they really are just words and others can take them however they choose...but I must say I feel quite at peace with that because God is the one directing His listeners' hearts...groovy...God bless...keep writing...

nudity

[for those of you hoping for a good camp story..sorry...:grins: look elsewhere today...]
now...hopefully most of you have been skinny-dipping so you know the freedom that comes with it..course there are some limitations to that freedom :grins: but there's still something compelling and beautiful about it...but before one strips one tends to feel a bit vulnerable in the moment (reasonable of course) and we want to hold onto all our security...funny that we find security and dignity from a bit of cloth...anyways I was gardening today and was raking away at these bushes, trying to get all the leaves out from under their branches...this involved a bit of yanking because they seemed to be clinging so tightly onto these leaves..it's like they're thinking, 'hold up now, these leaves have covered me all fall and winter, how dare you steal them'...its like this protective covering...but in fact, it won't stay a protective covering because by removing the leaves I am actually allowing them to breathe in the fresh spring air...something that is vital to plants of course....sometimes I wonder if Jesus feels like He's gardening our hearts...tugging away these 'protective' coverings that have kept us safe through winter and what not, but now what we need most is fresh air and room to breathe..."and they were naked and they were not ashamed"(Genesis) Adam and Eve were created in the nude with this freedom and closeness to God..it was only after sin divided them that they became ashamed of their nudity and tried to cover up....I hope Jesus strips away our 'coverings', our layers of things that we are holding tightly onto for our security, our dignity....I was able to free these simple plants to breathe..sure they still looked pretty bedraggled, bony, and all over the place with their leaf droppings, but they gained fresh air.....Jesus is my fresh air, man He is so good at freeing me...again and again..so...what to take from this? everything of course..and a recommendation for skinnydipping, altho don't forget--there are some limits :grins: God gives us some rockin analogies sometimes eh?

blessin' ya'll

normally blessings don't begin with "is that a dirty book you're reading?" but in today's case it assuredly did....the morning convo:
old man: is that a dirty book you're reading?
me: no, it's philosophy
old man: oh philosophy's good, useful too..what philosophers?
me: kant, etc..blahblah
old man: you have a boyfriend?
me: nope
old man: well when you meet a guy and you know what he's thinking you can know if he's right for you
me: oh thankyou
old man: you have beautiful earrings
me: thankyou
old man: and eyes..may I have them? *grins* (and I notice that he has no teeth)

and on that note we parted...one friendly convo that sparked a blessing for my day...
makes me think about how easy it is to bless someone, whether through making em laugh, paying a simple compliment, or just even acknowleging their presence with a friendly hello...sometimes I forget that we don't have to include Christianity in blessing ppl but can just bless em in the simple ways..looking back I realize I could have averted my eyes and kept walking when the old man addressed me but I chose not to thankgoodness and got a blessing..groovy
ps. if hannah makes a perverted comment ignore it

clearly now it's easy now for her to breathe

"while He's near she doesn't feel the pain, clearly it's easy now for her to breathe"...man I'm really glad God has ahold of my heart...sometimes when I worship through music and close my eyes, I feel as though I'm this solitary figure, and I can feel almost a vast expanse surrounding me, but it doesn't feel empty, because His presence is filling it up...sometimes I'm scared to get close to people because I know that they will hurt me at one point or another, whether they intend originally to or not...face it...we're all prone to hurting one another...as Jay pointed out, sometimes its just fun to make up..:grins:...which is true, but if only we could bypass the hurt...but I'm not saying I don't get hurt with God, because I do..because of myself that is..my stubborness to appreciate His love versus other means of satisfaction...as my pastor was stressing today, God gives us a freedom through the law that He's written on our hearts...because by teaching us to stay away from specific things, we are not constrained by their faults and traps...but we are free in Christ's love...and I hope He draws near to you, and that you find it easier to breathe...because He surrounds us...completely...and effortlessly...and most importantly, lovingly...

distractions

amazing what you find yourself doing in place of attempting to write a paper..consider the following:
--attempting to crochet a tie
--taking pics of myself in a black and white-rocker-mullet wig
--sleeping alot
--dancing
--blah

vulnerable

there's something scary about vulnerability...this fog that seems to creep up and cloud my thoughts...a sense that something is being slowly torn everytime I bring the subject up...and so I hesitate to write because I don't know who will read this but I really write for myself..maybe for a start of some sort of release...I'm not sure at this point...I really admire my father...he's a good dad--he looks out for our family, financially, and supportively..in his own way...but it hurts sometimes becuase I don't feel the closeness with him that I used to have..deep down I miss it so so much..he doesn't neglect me, beat me, use sharp words with me...but he doesn't open up either and that's something I really long for, a dad who will confide in me...when I was little we used to go on hikes up this craig and he would do scavenger hunts for me with an assortment of smarties and babybel cheeses...I was in complete awe of him...then as I got older, I pushed him away a bit..natural for a teenage girl, I suppose...but now it's like I want that affectionate side back and yet I feel that it's hesitating on his part...maybe I'm not clear in my thoughts towards him..I suppose I'm scared to open up and not receive...it hurts right now to even write this...I can feel the tears beginning to well up behind my eyes...I can't quite describe what I long for with him...I want a daddy back...I'm beginning to understand him a bit as an adult, in our similar humour and conversations about God and where we stand with Him..but there's an essence of being a daughter that I seem to have lost ahold of...maybe I expect too much...maybe not...
ps.
I know God, my Father, can fill this void but I don't want him to fill all of it just yet...we've talked a bit...its being vulnerable that scares me the most..even with God...I love my dad, both my earthly and heavenly dad, there is no doubt about that...but this longing for intimacy with both fathers has yet to be uncovered...maybe I have to make the first few baby steps...
pss. I love you Dad.

puttin on the ritz

it was completely dark..you could see the figures slowly beginning to raise their instruments...and then--the drums were sparked, a roll of beats that tugged at every pounding heart in the room...the dance floor lit up, sparkling dresses twirled with black suits, and the music caught my feet up in movements I could not refuse..the notes caught ahold of my hand and led me onto the dance floor to the throng of dancers whirling about...it was brilliant...the scene faded as I felt something caught in my shoe..I looked down and perceived the interuption to be a nail and with that the dancers were gone and I was back at my dad's building site with a vacumn in one hand and my fingers grasping at my cd player's volume...I glanced around at the dust-streaked floor, resumed my work, and slyly pulled the volume back up to its original state...the dance was revived and with a shy glance at my partner, I allowed myself to be led forward once again...

just to be

God has really been challenging me to treasure the 'now'...or in my case, to reflect on and treasure the 'yesterday'...I cannot fully define the beauty of spending a day with God, but I'm going to try..
--yesterday morning I was making lunch and planning to watch t.v and felt God say something along the lines of, "why don't you put on some worship music and just spend time with me"..I pushed him away, thinking that I wasn't in the mood for a 'spiritual' experience...later I was listening to songs on my computer and a favorite came up that said, "why do you run, why do you hide, I just wanna be with you..I see you there watching t.v..but I just want to be with you"..so :grins: that was the 1st little jab from God that morning..
--later at school (tyndale) I had a break most of the day and so my friend, Mike, and I went for a walk around the block and started discussing God and the concept of just simply 'being with Him'...Mike told me the story of a guy who was skipping rocks on a river one day, and asking God what he was supposed to do, what did God want from Him..and he felt God say, 'I just want to skip rocks with you'...:grins: perhaps it seems a bit absurd, but I love that idea..sometimes I find myself going to God only when I'm in a 'spiritual place' or mood for God-stuff, but God really wants to be included in every part of our lives..I suppose I've known that all along but not really put it into practice so much..it's like a friend that you spend time with simply to appreciate them , not to get something out of the talks you share with them...so that was God's 2nd lil jab.."let us draw near with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith"--Hebrews 10:22
--that night I was eating dinner in the cafe and I felt this strong desire to sit off on my own and 'just be' with God...so I grabbed my cd player, put some worship music on (drewbrown>amazing worship songs) and just sat with God by the window, eating dinner with Him..I wasn't expecting to 'feel' anything in particular, just to invite him to my table..the sky was gorgeous so after dinner, God and I went up to the 6th floor balcony to check out the sky...I really see His majesty up there, past all the man-made buildings, minus all the city sounds, it was amazing to just stand up there enjoying who God is, through His creation...so to end my God-date, I went back to the Kat (student lounge) and played Him some love songs I've written for Him on guitar...just me and Him, off in a corner..man...it was the best date I've had in a long time...
--to finish the night I went to this bar called "Sneaky D's" to play guitar at this open jam thing that my friend was playing at...walked in not knowing anyone and felt instantly comfortable....big canvas on the wall for people to paint whatever they felt, sketchbooks on all the tables, ppl just jamming up on stage, embracing the feel of the music...fantastic atmosphere..so I went up on stage after a bit and started out with this song about Jazz...so after the Jazz song I realized that I really really wanted to share some songs that I'd written about Christ, but I was so scared because I didn't want to push God into people's faces and I don't know what I was really scared of but I felt God urging me to share..so I played some songs that were obviously about God and tho I was hestitant at first, I felt God encouraging me throughout the songs, just letting me know He was into it even if other ppl might not have been...overall the night was grand...."He was crucified because of weakness, yet He lives because of the power of God. For we also are weak in Him, yet we will live with Him because of the power of God directed toward you."--2 Corinthians 13:4
--this guy Chris gave me a ride home and earlier he had told me that my songs were cool but he sensed something in my voice that made it seem like I was holding back, from completely putting myself out there in the music..I had told him also that I went to bible school (Capernwray Harbour) last yr in BC and he asked what attracted me to the Bible, and I told him it was Christ that attracted me, just getting to know what He was about and His background..it felt so good to just be open about that, ya kno..we continued talking about church/where we derive our inspirations from and it was sweet to be able to just openly talk about it from different angles, no assumptions, no judging...and I told him that in playing I felt like I actually was holding back a bit because of the content of my songs, and even in God's prodding me, I was scared to share that intimacy I sang of with Christ...so it was cool to get an outside perspective on how I came across...I hope you invite God completely into your day because I guarantee, He will show up..."Draw near to God and He will draw near to you."--James 4:8

if words left a mark

'if words left a mark, would we say the same things?/I stand at your door, it is locked, and I am waiting/my fears are confirmed with a sigh/this is my first command, love God with all I am/the second is like it, this is what love is/our hearts although unseen, are always listening/this is the answer, who is my neighbor/I came took your hand, I learned your name, I danced around you/I taught you to dance around me/what's wrong in me may never be right/to fight and stand alone/we're crying on our own/we're dying on our own/if words left a mark, would we say the same thing?' (tom conlon)

I want to apologize to people I've hurt this week, unintentionally or intentionally (both are quite likely)..how often do we bruise people with our words...I think of people who have speaking disabilities and who struggle to get out even a few words...if my words were limited and I actually thought before I rambled, how much would I hold back, how many hurtful words would stay silent...I really love God, I really do...and I don't want to be someone who says that and holds onto that phrase while being afraid to step out and live it...how many times, even as a Christian, has Jesus been waiting outside my door to speak to me, to teach me, and I've held him off attempting to fill up my time with useless, temporary thoughts..'what's wrong in me may never be right'..I am quite hopeless on my own, but I find that God will meet me whereever...I love the concept of God saying 'I came, took your hand, learned your name, I danced around you'...there's something about knowing someone's name and gaining a connection, a chance to say hello...but do we really stop to learn it..to move on past the quick, 'hey-how-are-you-have-a-good-day's...sure we can't involve ourselves in everyones' lives, but why simply call our 'friends' by name, we should take their hand, and invest something more than the usual bit...'love is a many splendid thing'..so why cut short something so splendid...as my friend emphasized, 'today is a gift'...but why should we hunker down in some corner with this gift, wouldn't breaking free of that give us just a little more than we expected...Father, teach me to dance around You...forgive me for the marks I've left so carelessly...

..I stop somewhere waiting for you...

'failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged, missing me at one place search another, I stop somewhere waiting for you..' - walt whitman

long after the final scene of a kiss has faded from my mind, I know it will flicker back to that feeling..the one that sends tingles down my spine...whether provoked by an old romance flick such as "Pride and Prejudice" or simply by a glance held a few seconds longer than necessary...sigh I feel a bit silly typing this out, but whether my psychology notes were laid out to study or not, I think my thoughts would have been off in some other place...and so I write this now to sort myself out...I miss being romanced...true, because of a lack of a guy in my life I have been able to fall deeply in love with Jesus, and I would not trade that for the sincerest romance...but I must admit, I miss it...someone desiring my time, my friendship, my opinion, even just my presence...although I feel I have grown up alot since falling for Jesus...now I want a man who will challenge me to fall more deeply in love with Christ and at the same time show evidence that Christ is his 1st love...I want someone who will challenge me to step outside of myself and yet pull me back in when I most need it..someone who will put God before all that I want and who will push me to do the same...I could go on, but it feels a bit intimate to share on a blog....and plus mainly, the desire for Christ surpasses all other mentioned things...I'm not implying that I need anyone at this moment in time...sometimes it's just pleasant to daydream...rather girly of me, I suppose...all the same, whoever God has in store for me, I trust His timing is always better than mine....:grins:

..in a thousand years..

..'but I'm sure to have your love in a thousand years, yes I'm sure to have your love in a thousand years'... (-erich skelton)

..now I know this line was taken from a love song, and attributed to a person but people are temporary and as beautiful as the thought is, I'd much rather hear this from God..in fact, I feel lately like He's wooing me, with a love that is beautiful and strong and lasting...through 1000 years even...I can't imagine experiencing this love with anyone else, and I take joy in that fact, that God alone will take me aside to places that only He and I can share...love is patient...my friend gave me such a rewarding experience of patience the other night that brought my thoughts back to God in awe...we went snowboarding and no matter how many times I biffed it (fell), I'd look back up the hill and he was just sitting there, watching, and encouraging me...(I'm sure he was probably laughing a bit too) :grins:..but it felt so good to have someone want to teach me something and not give up on me...that's exactly how God treats us...sometimes the obstacles seem new/huge/scary but God will keep on helping us through it, and I find it amazingly comforting knowing that...its like I'm embarking on this adventure of who God is...and I'm completely blown away...

I gotta clearify, I am not a strong person and I find it odd that people think that sometimes...it's only because I am so messed up that God gives me all these cool revelations and thoughts...I found this verse today that kinda summed that up:
'..He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.- 2 Corinthians 12:9

invisible

ever feel like you're on fire with passion for something you really know nothing about and while you're slotting away your thoughts, your emotions are making a mad dash to bounce off walls, surging upward and outward til they have jolted every practical effort to gather your mindset. that's how God blows my mind--creating moments that I want to soak in all night and yet let everything happen at once...to love life as it is--no extra recipe to make it ideal. unpredictable. like a child's endless games of makebelieve and whether I feel invisible or not behind shut eyes I know that I am safe.

--something I had to write because my mouth was so flooded with grins that I couldn't quite hold back..sometimes God just takes you on a wild fling, right out of the blue....and I really admire that about Him...He doesn't settle for greeting us just in church, or bible setting, or on a Jesus-high...it's all about meeting us where we're at, from moseying his way into our daydreams or showing up on roadtrips....'I hate the world today, but I love the life You've given me'.-Starfield ...yea this world has its backaches and along with its aimless crooning, it gets a bit flippant...but this life God has given us...wow....I mean how can we hold back from Him...why in the heck do we get distracted and follow our own fickle games--when He can empty us and fill us up at the same time?...Christians...man we're messed up...but God is good eh...

'The steps of a man are established bythe LORD, and He delights in his way. When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong, because the LORD is the one who holds his hand."--Psalm 37:23-24
need I say more? No. because God's got it covered....what an amazing guy...

tackled by God again

I love how God will tackle me when noone will...
it's true...I had been complaining to a friend about the worship music at my church..it was droning, I felt like I was falling asleep/dying...blah, etc...I know deep down church does NOT rely on the music to meet God...I came to understand that last year through a church full of old people, and sometimes painful music..at first I went searching for the 'young, new, thriving church' with the cool music...but then I found one that blew me away...sure the pastor's wife would stand at the front and sing loudly in a (off-key) high-pitched voice...but the pastor was utterly and completely in love with God and it was through that love practiced in the church that God really challenged me then..so I know church is not about the hip music...but music is such a huge part of my life and to go to church dreading worship time really bothered me.

...but then...it happened....God tackled me big time...like in those rugby matches where a bunch of fellas in too- short shorts grab each other and throw themselves in a huge pile, like sumo wrestlers, like jackie chan...God pretty much tackled me like those things combined..maybe a funny picture but still...here's the thing... I must SURRENDER....God's tricky like that cuz surrending covers everything: trust, failures, regrets, successes, joys, pains, faith, rebellion, anger, hate...yea he pretty much can sideswipe us with that one word: surrender... our pastor spoke on Psalm 28 and it basically sumarizes the gist of all of my songs (so I fully related)...it took on a course of 'I fail>cry to God for help>I surrender>God calls me to do something hard (like forgive enemies)>God blesses me through that>=trust and a rescue by my Savior>God help me to bless other people>God please bless other people.

so it makes sense...and yet we question God so much...so so much...but that passage is basically the story of my life repeating over and over...our pastor focuses on verse 2 that says, '...I lift up my hands toward Your holy sanctuary'....usually in church people hold up their hands right? I feel pretty dumb doing it sometimes...I dunno..there's something uncomfortable about sticking my hands up in front of me while singing...but this verse puts it completely into perspective because by lifting our hands to God , we are implying that we surrender...actually we're proclaiming it..putting our hands up in a sense of release...like when the police yell 'stick your hands up' and you do it out of defeat, out of a sense that you can't do anything for yourself in that postition'....well I am not saying God is a cop, but can't you see! when we put up our hands, it's exclaiming that we are defeated without God...even when things are going swell..God calls us to surrender...it's such a beautiful picture to me....

so God gave me this idea of surrender on sunday and then on monday I went to a worship time at my school and one of the songs was surrender and I felt like God had tackled me all over again...not because I was doing anything wrong but because He refused to leave me with an order and then move on...and He's still doing it...calling me to surrender....and when noone else will, God will tackle me...and I thank Him for that.
'The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped; therefore my heart exults, and with my song I shall thank Him.' Psalm 28: 7
God bless!

daydreaming

if anyone feels the urge to buy me a hammock, feel free to indulge because I would be absolutely delighted...craving summer....when we move into our new house I plan to find my own little spot tucked away in the woods...somewhere I can slip away to with my guitar, pen, and a blank sheet of paper....already found a reading tree that is shaped a bit like a chair...ohh I can't wait...photography escapades...summer skirts...midnight adventures...bare feet digging into sand...the ocean at night...road trips to anywhere and everywhere...dance parties in the field...strawberries...absolute freedom...jam sessions...sun on bare skin...hammock naps in the shade...maybe some romance...who knows...my birthday...sigh...getting quite happily lost in all of this daydreaming...care to join in? ohh...how long till summer beckons....

5 absurdities as requested

5 things about me that people may find absurd:

1)I have a stomach roll named Frederick.

2)One of my fav memories involves a fresh/crusty cow poo fight in England..it was an all out war...(amazing!) and after we jumped in a freezing cold river..(if anyone is up for challenge I'd do it again any day)...

3)I have been known to sleepwalk and climb into other peoples' beds, convinced that it was my bed.

4)If I'm in a mall with no $, and there are slopes, I find great joy in grabbing some pantyhose socks from the shoe store, wrapping them over my shoes, and
running and sliding to my heart's content.

5)When in a bathroom with plenty of extra rolls of tp, I enjoy starting wars by chucking them at other unsuspecting people in other stalls...(this became a tradition with my roomate Karin last year...)

there you are, if I think of more of if you think of more, let the writing begin!

and all that Jazz..

a slender voice
low, smoothly coated
glossy with a hint of a purr
ripples its way through the song
it begins slowly
twining itself around the listener,
a sandy lining to a silk dress
brushing up against the skin,
it entices both the wearer and the observer
confidence grasped
the notes take color
streaks that stroke the imagination
taking flight
and then at its peak--an ivory tip tinged with gold,
it pulls you into a state of longing
and slipping back down it settles
dust that alights all over your body
but you are ignorant to the feel of it
only aware of the enchantment you were under

run, Forest, run..

my sight is cloaked by darkness
like a thick veil it distorts the figures before me
the road is barely visible
yet its presence become painfully obvious after a single word-- run.
there's something compelling about the feel of our morning escapade
the blackness pulls you in, grasping at your jacket
replacing your shudders at the chill with a pounding heart
accompanied by quick intakes of breath--
this crisp morning air that seems possible to crumple & crack at the pressure of your fingertips
and so you soak it in gratefully, no longer thinking of the cold
but rather the muscles that are screaming at you 'Why?!'
& the sleep-induced brain that's trying to yell 'Bed!' over the din
so I wonder why I do it
maybe its the rare moments I find beautiful & still
like when a line of blurred figures become a string of silent shadows,
silouhetted against the trees when a car creeps up from behind--
sometimes I find myself running to catch the sunrise
an anticipated beauty, untamed, & the magic of a few glimpses through the trees spurs me on
eager to obtain the colours, to end my run with the perfect backdrop
leaving just enough room for the bright revelations of a new day

the death of something lovely...

Jesus I miss you...your warmth...this longing may seem threadbare at times but part of me wants to keep it tucked away...just in case...just in case we fall in love again...see it's been awhile since I've really loved you...love is patient as you say...well my patience has an edge to it...I suppose I rub it up against my own walls too much...but there's something about you that smoothes over my roughness...my sarcasm...my futile attempts to be noticed...to be desired...something in this love that allows me to slip back into a place where noone notices & that is when you reach me...sometimes you reach into me..into this pool of mistakes & you select one...maybe small..maybe not..but you hold it up in front of me & next to you it looks so insignificant & before I can name it, it crumbles into dust...love forgives...I know you've forgiven me...so many burdens I've clung onto for hours or even years until you unclenched my fists & held me as I let out all the breath in me...shoulders shaking...& yet have I really forgiven myself? perhaps I pose this question in an effort to explain my regrets...but love does not hold grudges...so why do I delay you from this freedom you offer me...sometimes its as if I'm in mourning...as if something lovely has died...Jesus I miss being in love with you...I can't even define myself..this shadow I step into out of complacency...or perhaps open rebellion...you were a rebel once...perhaps you still are...compel me Father...your love is unresistable when I stop resisting...love me

dare me to move

before you switchfoot-lovers correct me, let me explain...was listening to switchfoot sing the line 'I dare you to move like today's never happened before'....man it's tru tho...today has never happened before and never will again..and yet we breeze on thru it, looking forward to the next best thing...the next rewarding moment...but who says we should sit around waiting for it...that's why I implore you...challenge me! dare me to move! I certainly challenge you because who cares whether life is short or long...today has never happened before...we know we're all sick of meaningless internet convos, the occasionally brush of 'hi how are yous ' so man, step out..dare me to move...
..in the words of my good friends, 'Baumer' >"I don't want to wait, hoping for the perfect day, wasting everything I have right now..."

unrelenting pride

its weird what something so stupid as pride can do to you..there's no denying the blame I'm shouldering is a result of my own stubborn self..pride insists on separating you.. in fact it can quite happily shut you off in a corner to contemplate all the way you've fallen on your face, and yet refuse to release you despite your open admittance of it..sometimes pride will surface from the smallest thing, the tiniest splinter that could have been plucked out in an instant but instead you allow it to drag you through a series of thorns, leaving you in a worst state & state of mind than before..pride can place you off to a far side of a room filled with friends, stamp the words 'go away' on your forehead, & convince you that this is normal..& necessary..you give into the temptation of the emotionally loud music, deafening what's left of your conscious self.. pitifully protesting a silent arguement, that noone else could possibly understand this brute of a box you've trapped yourself in..pride is a snare..in fact, I wouldn't recommend holding onto it..ever..if you do however insist on indulging, avoid the music, the corner, open your Bible for a healthy slap of sense upside your thick head..or I guarantee solid walls will spring up & you will find yourself on an endless rampage of thought much like the one I'm entertaining at this moment--oh I've been interupted..thank God...see..pride..is..a..waste..of..time.. .

why God should come between..

it's quite sad I've found how both guys and girls treat their friendships as affirmations in a sense..it's not to imply that all friendships are this way..but from past experience, I used to use my friendships with guys to affirm me as a woman, to make me feel wanted through a bit of what I termed as harmless flirtation..but it wasn't something harmless because it took my focus off a completely different relationship..the one with my Lord and Savior.. a conversation with a friend who was struggling with his girlfriend because of some harmless flirtation, kinda spoke to me becuz I realized that my old reaction (sadly) would have been probably to call him up and flirt and try to comfort him by slipping in a usable verse or two...on the other hand, now that I've fallen for Christ, I can't quite figure out how a relationship could even work with somehow my concentration and love remaining on Christ alone...so I think God gives us a medium..a 3 chord strand as He puts it..becuz we can't do without him and yet in any friendship He has to be in between...so that's my focus at this point in time...correct me if I'm wrong..God bless...

an odd sort of neverland

every little kid who's seen Peter Pan tries to picture Neverland, how it would feel to fly, to meet the Lost Boys & follow them along as they chase Indians, or explore the island, freely with all the reckless delight of a child who knows no bounds..I feel as if I met the Lost Boys quite recently, not to imply that they were 'lost' or even children..but more like men who've undertaken an adventure, quite like the Lost Boys of Neverland, where all their childlike qualities are evoked by their symphony...seeing the band "Anathallo" in concert for the 2nd time was an adventure in itself...to hear them play is not simply to hear a band, or to hear some music, but to watch music be deciphered & perhaps painted quite beautifully right before one's eyes...from battered old trumpets to dented pans to chains to piano, it felt like watching children who had mastered these instruments as grown men but refused to corner their worth & instead released their sound with cherished appeal, mixed with the appropriate volume of their own eager voices...at times I felt that I was standing before Heaven in that the music itself seemed to speak of the fragilty of man amidst God's majesty, a majesty offered to a childlike will, to compel a curiousity of God's wonder found within the music...I should not neglect Wendy of course....she stood out in a way from her band of boys, seemingly as peaceful as her character required..yet her eager hands did not fail to dance from one instrument to the next, her voice rising to accompany the sound...in all..I walked away with a fascination of one who has glimpsed a fairytale, hoping to be invited back once more...a fairytale deriving from the fairytale-norm to celebrate God in all His glory...I found it utterly refreshing...