triggered

there have been an assortment of ideas flitting through my head since I woke up this morning with a terribly sad feeling, the kind that pulls such a heavy weight behind it that it compells one to feel a bit sick too at the very thought...the sad feeling was triggered by a horrible nightmare I experienced last night..I've been trying to figure out why the nightmare was introduced to me in the first place and the following conclusion is what I've come up with: seems that Satan's biggest weapons in this case to me are fear+lies..old fears from past failures, past struggles come back to haunt me sometimes, and that's when I'm tackled with lies..lies that defend the fears and heap the blame on myself..lies that twist the way I see the past with the reality of it...both lies+fear can't seem to stand when things are going swell for me, and it's at that point that they begin to rear their ugly heads, taunting me with their riducules..
..I suppose its in dreams/nightmares that our inner fears are so easily released..in this particular nightmare, I experienced the horror of catching my boyfriend cheating on me with some girl...at first they played ignorant to my accusations and then began to justify their 'innocence'...doubts began to spring up about my worth, if I was good enough for him, and in comparison to 'her' --what did I have to offer?...the first time I woke up from this horrible dream I just lay in bed for a bit trying to soak it all in...I drifted off to sleep again to find myself asking them "why?" but my analyzations and questions did me no justice and when I woke up again the sick feeling was still there...
..the irony of this nightmare is that it has happened to me, with my first boyfriend, Brandon, and although the circumstances and the people were different, they followed the defense of ignorance to justifying also...let me say, however, that there has been nothing in my relationship with Jay that he has done to trigger such a nightmare...in fact he's offered more security for me than any other relationship I've known...I suppose Satan finds this affection disgusting and therefore is using my old fears against me in this case, as I stated earlier...it sickens me think that Satan can twist our thoughts in such an extreme way...I don't know what hand Satan has in dreams/nightmares, but I know that God does not use our sins against us. ever. and so I conclude with the knowledge that God has the best in mind for us and I simply have to give this up to Him, in asking Him to protect me from the falsity of last night...I trust that my relationship with Jay will last as long as God wills and I have to to trust...its about a faith that remains dependent through the rough moments...I think the more you begin to care about someone, the more the fears of losing them begin to appear...I can't grant that nightmares will be solved, but I can put my hope in God's strength, versus my own...

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way." Psalm 139:23-24

"If I take the wings of dawn, if I dwell in the remotest part of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, and Your right hand will lay hold of me. If I say, "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, and the light around me will be night, even the darkness is not dark to You, and the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You." Psalm 139:9-12