good kid

Good kid

it’s hard being a good kid. Why? Cuz I’m not. This Sunday I was scheduled to sing a song for communion, but Sunday morning rolled around and I felt trampled. Called a friend to see if she could fill in for me and when she asked why I told her my heart wasn’t in the right place. I don’t want to be up there pretending to be this good girl singing this good song when I’m not. It was at this that she pointed out the obvious. The best time for God to use you is when you’re broken. When you’ve confessed something that’s beyond your control and you feel completely unworthy to be near God. She recounted a similar time when she had to play piano for a church and she felt shattered and it was then that she felt God take complete control and used the music as an expression of Him. What if I break down in front of everyone? I asked. She told me that God would be with me through it all and I knew His voice is stronger than anything I could sing anyway.

Confided in another friend before the service and she took me to her office to pray with me. She again affirmed that if I had confessed what I did before God then all I could do now was to be humbled before Him and receive His love. She said that all the things in my mind that were telling me to get out of it, that I wasn’t worthy, and that I couldn’t change how I felt were not God’s voice. She prayed that if I hadn’t before, that I would finally understand what it meant to truly receive God’s forgiveness and the freedom that came through that. She felt like she should anoint my forehead with oil, and she did in the name of Jesus Christ.

The first service I got up to sing, and other than a bit of trouble with the mic slipping down, felt like it was ok. That God could use me after all. After the service, two ladies came up to express how they got chills all over from the song and it felt so rewarding to see that God touched people through my brokenness.

The second service was completely different. I actually felt God’s presence through the song and his power belting out through the words. I felt a confidence I’ve never experienced with singing in front of people and He drew me to Himself through my own words.

Looking back I see now that in the 1st service He humbled me and from that, in the 2nd I was able to receive His love and power. Interestingly enough, when I was initially broken the 1st time I didn’t feel like the song was that great for other people around me, it was just a song. But so many people commented on it, whereas for the 2nd when I felt strong and confident barely any people said anything and I think it was because God was showing me that when I felt most weak and unready to sing, He blessed other people through my music and when I felt stronger and ready, He blessed me. The beauty of that is something I only realized just now so I had to write it down for keepsakes.

“Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.” Ps 19:14

“I love you, O LORD, my strength. The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised, and I am saved from my enemies.” Ps 18:1-3

“May the LORD answer you in the day of trouble!” Ps 20:1

“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.” Ps 51:10

I leave you with the knowledge that it is so, so hard to be a good kid. And that is why God is faithful to restore, create, strengthen, and forgive.