story: Drowning

The night was drenched in an unusual emotion. A mix of anticipation but I could feel underneath a sense of dread, or something darker. We could feel it clenched in our hands---at any point we were free to unleash it, this tainted freedom. We walked down the footstep-ridden road til we found it---the lake. Something about it always pulled us back. The first glimpse of it was always different but enticing. Its surface glittered and I felt its pull. Already an invitation. Walking down to the water's edge, we slipped off our sandals. I put my bag and my Bible on shore and as the Bible touched the sand, I felt a small tug as if my fingers were connected to it, as if I shouldn't let go. But I shrugged it off. That was silly, how could I take my Bible in. The water was clear in the shallows, we knew exactly where we were stepping. The coolness of it brushed against our skin, it felt good, as it always did. We edged our way in deeper until we were swimming, our feet occasionally touching the bottom for assurance. The water started to get darker and darker and as I glanced back at the shore, my gaze caught my Bible and I heard a subtle whisper, "Come back." Only the wind, I told myself and kept on swimming. We slid smiles back and forth between our swimming strokes. The water held me tighter and tighter until we stopped, gasping for breath. It was then that we started to sink. At first it was a beautiful feeling, quite undescribable, a thrill of the moment. My lungs strained with the luxury of it. Suddenly, in a slap of scary reality, it hit me. We were drowning. Or rather, I was watching us drown. At some point I had slipped out of myself during the confusion. Our faces were caught in desperate grimaces and I began to panic, trying to shout at him--at her (or me, rather). Why couldn't they respond. I looked down and saw the water's darkness had taken on the shape of hands, fingers that were pulling at their clothes. Why couldn't they see. I swam upwards until I broke the surface. My eyes were drawn to the shore, to where my Bible had been, only I couldn't really see because it was so bright and I heard a voice, "Come back to me, I will save you, come back my sons, my daughters." I realized what they needed to break the surface, to see His light, His warmth. I took a breath and slid under the surface again only to back away in shock. There were thousands of people drowing, their faces twisted in grimaces. Some with crosses on their necks, t-shirts, grimy smiles plastered on their faces. For as far as I could see they were all caught by the dark fingers that held them from beneath. I swam back up and cried out, "Help me Father I cannot stop this." In an instant the light flickered then, shone outwards brighter than before so bright I had to shut my eyes. I heard a noise from beneath the surface, a deafening sound like thunder and the water felt colder than it ever had. Suddenly, the thunder died and I opened my eyes to find myself back in my body, crumpled on what had been the lake but now was an endless shore. The other people had disappeared and it was only us two again. His face mirrored the shame I could feel stretching across my own. The light was gone and I finally looked up to find my Bible, hoping it hadn't disappeared with it all. In its place was a cross, with handprints all over it, scratches along its sides and as I reached out to touch it I felt an overwhelming sadness wash over me and I snatched my hand back and smashed it into the sand. I saw myself for what I was and part of me wanted to be back, drowning. Or did I? These thoughts were not my own, but dangerous pieces of what I thought was ok. We gathered up the pieces quickly and buried them, out of sight, out of mind, right? Wrong. My shoulders felt so heavy, weighted down with disgust and I wondered if I had imagined all the other people. I must be the worst sinner on earth. Noone else could be as bad as------the thought was interrupted as people began to appear all around me, shame etched on their faces, bodies crumpled, hands drawn around knees. Oh, our pitiful efforts to disguise our sin. I got up slowly and tried to walk away but my feet wouldn't move, and remained in place, my body pointed at the cross. It was then I realized. Not only did my Saviour rescue me, He loved me in this moment. There was no way he would allow my shoulders to bear my burdens any longer. I knelt down and the words slipped from my lips, pulling the burden off my shoulders, "Forgive me Father. I surrender this." It was in this broken moment that I felt His love flowing through me. It lifted my head to look at the cross and I felt my Bible back in my hand. I began to walk away with a strength I had not felt at one point in that night and as I glanced over my shoulder I began to see His love spreading. People were kneeling, heads were lifted, and they were standing, one by one, He took them in His arms and freed them.

a couple days later I was walking down a road. something beyond the trees caught my eye, a glittering substance of some sort. it was the lake. a different road, a different place. I felt a thrill run through me, but as I glanced down I saw the Bible in my hands and the warmth of it quelled the thrill in an instant. my mind was drawn back to that night and I made my decision. walking quickly with my head down I passed the lake with all the strength I could muster. I knew I would find myself drowning again. it was certain to happen. but I would try to surrender. I will surrender.

>for those of you who are struggling know that you are not alone. Jesus is real to deliver us from it. We must, must surrender as much as we can. Amen.<

good kid

Good kid

it’s hard being a good kid. Why? Cuz I’m not. This Sunday I was scheduled to sing a song for communion, but Sunday morning rolled around and I felt trampled. Called a friend to see if she could fill in for me and when she asked why I told her my heart wasn’t in the right place. I don’t want to be up there pretending to be this good girl singing this good song when I’m not. It was at this that she pointed out the obvious. The best time for God to use you is when you’re broken. When you’ve confessed something that’s beyond your control and you feel completely unworthy to be near God. She recounted a similar time when she had to play piano for a church and she felt shattered and it was then that she felt God take complete control and used the music as an expression of Him. What if I break down in front of everyone? I asked. She told me that God would be with me through it all and I knew His voice is stronger than anything I could sing anyway.

Confided in another friend before the service and she took me to her office to pray with me. She again affirmed that if I had confessed what I did before God then all I could do now was to be humbled before Him and receive His love. She said that all the things in my mind that were telling me to get out of it, that I wasn’t worthy, and that I couldn’t change how I felt were not God’s voice. She prayed that if I hadn’t before, that I would finally understand what it meant to truly receive God’s forgiveness and the freedom that came through that. She felt like she should anoint my forehead with oil, and she did in the name of Jesus Christ.

The first service I got up to sing, and other than a bit of trouble with the mic slipping down, felt like it was ok. That God could use me after all. After the service, two ladies came up to express how they got chills all over from the song and it felt so rewarding to see that God touched people through my brokenness.

The second service was completely different. I actually felt God’s presence through the song and his power belting out through the words. I felt a confidence I’ve never experienced with singing in front of people and He drew me to Himself through my own words.

Looking back I see now that in the 1st service He humbled me and from that, in the 2nd I was able to receive His love and power. Interestingly enough, when I was initially broken the 1st time I didn’t feel like the song was that great for other people around me, it was just a song. But so many people commented on it, whereas for the 2nd when I felt strong and confident barely any people said anything and I think it was because God was showing me that when I felt most weak and unready to sing, He blessed other people through my music and when I felt stronger and ready, He blessed me. The beauty of that is something I only realized just now so I had to write it down for keepsakes.

“Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.” Ps 19:14

“I love you, O LORD, my strength. The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised, and I am saved from my enemies.” Ps 18:1-3

“May the LORD answer you in the day of trouble!” Ps 20:1

“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.” Ps 51:10

I leave you with the knowledge that it is so, so hard to be a good kid. And that is why God is faithful to restore, create, strengthen, and forgive.