Hollow

At the moment I feel hollow. Like someone's carved out my insides, my emotions, my feelings and left me with this numbish rawness. I also feel sick, but that is probably due more to the flood of tears that hit me last night, leaving me headachy and exhausted. I really would just like to hide away somewhere, bury myself under somebody else's covers, secretly, not my own because I'd be found there. What do you do when you find yourself questioning a big piece of your life that's about to change forever? I feel like the rug of security that I wasn't even aware that I was sitting on, has been pulled out from under my feet and left me feeling shaky and sick. I realized last night that it's not a good idea to pretend that people can't let you down, can't make you hurt. Heartache is weird--it's all in my mind, well it feels like it but it becomes so quickly such a visible pain, it throws me for a loop.

I also realized, I can't live without God. He is the only unchanging thing in my life. I don't like change, I don't like the feeling of being uprooted, and I'll go on an adventure if I know I have the same stability to come home to. I'm not independent, my fears always seem to get the best of me---unless, I am first and foremost, God's. If He is the one I choose to worship, then part of that means I have to give Him control . . . Isaiah 30:15 "In repentence and rest you will be saved, quietness and trust is your strength." Well let me tell you, I have been gripping that verse so tightly the past few months. Learning to give God control is a continual repetitive process. I also have realized that without God at the core of my heart, I become a very bitter and angry person. Sad to say, swearing becomes a problem, and I put up solid walls all around me, and stop trusting. That is why I NEED God---why I can't live without Him. I love the Lord. He is my rock. I was listening to that song, "In Christ alone I stand" and I feel like it hits home, on so many levels.

I am so scared of the future, and of putting my heart out on the line, of desires that threaten things I hold great value to, of losing time, and yet I know that I HAVE TO TRUST GOD. He loves me, he sees where this journey I'm on is going, and I have to trust that. Fully. "For God has not given me a spirit of fear... but of a sound mind. . . " I forget the rest, but I know that God does not desire me to live in fear of the future, I also don't want to focus on it so much that I miss out on the beauty of the present. God I trust that you have given me desires to do counselling and possibly art therapy. I also trust that you have given Jay desires to fly, and to work with planes. Therefore, in bringing us together, you must have a plan for the two of us. Help me to not doubt you, Father.

"The steps of a man are established by the Lord, He delights in his way. If he stumbles, he will not be hurled headlong, because the Lord is the one who holds his hand." -Psalm

Isaiah 26:3: "You, O Lord, give a perfect peace, to those who hope and put their trust in You."

O God, pull me close to you in this time of uncertainty.

confessions of a class act fool

I feel like shit. excuse my use of terms but there is a bitterness welling up inside of me right now and I thought that word might quell it but no. I feel so hard inside---like part of my heart has rusted over and I've just let it go to waste. it was easier at first---when I first walked away from God at the beginning of the summer. easy to shove Him out of my mind to make room for my own empty thoughts. we had come to a crossroads, that's the gist of it and He was asking me to obey Him and I tried---believe me, I did, but I got so sick of failing over and over like we Christians are used to and decided that I was sick of messing up and feeling vulnerable so I walked away. from Him and from all His principles and desires. blew them off for my own and where did it leave me---playing a role. probably the easiest one to play for a girl who's grown up in a church bubble, Christian schools, the whole dang essence of it all. throw in a few prayers for people here and there, play it all up like nothing's wrong..

and all along my heart is starting to harden. never experienced this before, at least not directed at God. sure I've blown up at Him before, blamed Him, cursed Him, but hardening myself against Him is an entirely different feeling. you start looking at life and other Christians through this veil. stuff they say about God, about His relevance and characteristics. it's like you're eavesdropping almost because while you're hearing it, your heart is closed to it and the thought keeps crossing my mind--'you actually believe that?'and then without emotion I think 'I used to believe that'. it's quite sad really reading this to myself. but quite true and I needed desperately to spit it out somewhere or I feel it will consume me because noone knows how low I've fallen, evidently not even me. after writing this--it's plain as day..this is no life to live.

I've been waiting around for school to start because for the first time this summer I got a taste of life without being spiritually fed. no christian camp to work at, no consistent bible study, church has lost appeal, and that crossroads I came to had a big sign that said 'without all this spiritual nourishing, will you choose Christ on your own?' to which my head replied yes, my heart replied maybe, and my actions replied no. so there you go---it's not that I've been hit with trials, huge traumas, but a question of integrity I suppose---Will I choose Christ over myself? most important question that defines Christianity and I have screwed myself over royally in choosing no.

there's a me that I know from what feels like forever ago but was only last year--a girl who was close to God's heart, who kept fellowship with other people, prayed for her boyfriend's heart and could actually see God working in her and those around her. that self seems so unobtainable from where I stand. and yet the part of me that is unhardened is the part that loves my fiance, and it is through my love for him that recently I have seen how much we need God--to strengthen our relationship. I want to build him up as a brother in Christ before I build him up as my fiance, and I can't possibly do that when I'm floundering around in the dark, wallowing in everything I've chosen over God.

I'm going to get hit hard on Monday I think, body slammed by God hopefully. and I do admit, I'm hopeful for a change. my tone has even changed througout this blog, started off so hard and bitter and I needed to express that because it is very real and not just a mood or emotion I've grabbed hold of to shock you. Satan just asked me to delight in shocking you but for once I think I'll resist. I signed up for a Christian life and discipleship class this semester because I knew I wouldn't get the benefit of chapel because I'm not there tuesday or wednesday mornings and now I'm hoping God will use that class to break me down. seriously, break me down because I feel like stone sometimes and this is not me--this is a twisted, perverted me that Satan has composed to do his work. and I've been so faithful to him this summer--it makes me sick.

why I am acting so helpless. God has equipped me with strength my whole life to fight battles--why did I give Him up so easily?? you can't tell me. I need you Jesus--to renovate me, please turn me inside out completely, I want to know you again. I read this verse at church this one sunday when God broke through the wall I had prepared for that sermon--it said:
"And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him, if indeed you continue in the faith, stable and steadfast, not shifting from the hope of the gospel that you heard." Col 1:21-23. That part about shifting from the hope---it hit me so hard I had completely forgotten the gospel, not in my head but by abandoning it in my heart..It was not just God I had let go, but Jesus's whole story and purpose. I had to be steadfast--I knew it, I had been wavering back and forth for so long. God kept breaking into what I had locked up and I couldn't--didn't want to hold him back. All this time I have been fighting God because of fears that I'll be exposed to Him and yet why am I afraid---if I can fight off God, what's stopping me from fighting Satan with God on my side.

I relent. HE IS THE TRUTH----THERE IS NOTHING OR NOONE GREATER THAN CHRIST ALONE. IN HIM I WILL STAND AND BE RECONCILED. FATHER FORGIVE ME. I SURRENDER ALL THIS HURT AND ANGER AND BITTERNESS AND FEAR--I WANT TO CHOOSE CHRIST OVER MYSELF. PLEASE JESUS, HELP ME SURROUND MYSELF WITH YOU AND YOU ABOVE ALL ELSE. I AM NOTHING, FATHER. "THEREFORE AS YOU RECEIVED CHRIST JESUS THE LORD SO WALK IN HIM, ROOTED AND BUILT UP IN HIM AND ESTABLISHED IN THE FAITH, JUST AS YOUR WERE TAUGHT, ABOUNDING IN THANKSGIVINGS." Col. 2:6-7. You will not understand that verse until you have lost it for a while and God gives the knowledge back to you as a gift. I receive it Father. thankyou.

tis grand to be engaged...

soo....I'm officially engaged...here's the story:

June 16th, 2007
That Saturday was planned to be a special date b/c we hadn't been on a special one for ourselves in awhile...so i didn't suspect anything when Jay pulled up w/ flowers on the seat and gummies---i'm used to his romantic ways :grins: Our plan was to go flying on a float plane and go out to a random island---at least I thought it was random :heehee:....so Jay lands us in this gorgeous cove and as we get closer to shore I see this little beach area, and there's cliffs to our right and Jay says something about how his friend recommended this spot cuz there's some good jumps off the cliffside. So we get out and pull the float plane up to shore, and Jay tells me to get up on one of the floats so we can tie it down or something...he goes to grab something from the plane and I didn't even notice cuz I was so fascinated by our surroundings. He came back around the front of the plane and stood in the water right below me and his right hand was behind his back and he said, "Can you answer one question for me? If you answer this one question I promise you'll have an amazing day!" in my head i'm like huh and then i see him start to go down on one knee in the water and i'm like 'oh my gosh oh my gosh' in my head and he says 'Will you marry me?" so much is rushing thru my head---like 'how i know Jay knows i'm going to say yes and how this feels like a movie and not real at all and i blurt out 'of course!' and then i'm thinking 'i never say of course that sounds so cheesy and then so I said 'Yes!"

....man the day was absolutely perfect. his parents gave us an old fashioned vintage style picnic basket as a present and a quilt blanket and Jay spread it all out and made me close my eyes and brought out sparkling grape juice (he was flying so he couldn't have alcohol :grins:) and he kept pulling suprises out of the basket the whole day.....chocolate mousse....my fav cheese, grapes, chocolate covered strawberries.....and then we went exploring and climbed up on all these boulders and took pics, and then went swimming out to a rock that was sticking up above the water---sigh ----it was such an adventure this kid is perfect for me...

and then we found a ledge on the cliffside and climbed up to the top and sat and relaxed/kissed for a while :grins: and Jay jumped off the huge cliff and i climbed down to a smaller ledge and he threw me off and we swam back to the plane and lay down on the blanket for a bit w/ the chocolate strawberries and Jay had built a fire so it warmed us right up.....and then we spent the rest of the day there and flew back to the river where we had taken off from....it was soooo surreal....its still surreal....and the ring is beautiful...everytime i see it i'm like oh my goodness i'm engaged :biggest grin ever:!! so that's the story....tis a grand one...and so we're getting married June 28th ,2008....good times yo...:)

sun-soaker

I am a sun-soaker.
casually accepting my invitation
to a luxury windowsil
where I find a robe of light
thrown around my shoulders
by a warm and dear friend.
give me no vacant conversations
to pass the time;
only let me sit, and soak, and shine.
I am a sun-soaker.

I am a sun-soaker.
my back against the glass that
sends tingles to my toes.
not chills as you may perceive
but thoughts of summer on my doorstep
tapping light as she may please.
I am a sun-soaker.

I am a sun-soaker.
it is true.

teach me

teach me Father to follow you.
to crave the complex simplicity of giving oneself to the cause.
to glorify You is to walk in your footsteps.
by faith, not by sight.
I love you Jesus.

I found her quite fascinating.

Wednesday, March 28th, 2007

I woke up this morning feeling happy. It was a good emotion to feel after yesterdays ups and downs. My social work class required me to do a project on a place that offered social services and my partner, Sharon, had chosen the Bayview extended care just down the street from the place I was staying at. I got there a bit earlier than Sharon and found myself surrounded by older people sitting here and there in the reception area. I felt a little intimidated at first, what would I say? I wanted so much to connect to these people, to be able to them and perhaps be a witness of Christ to them. Sharon arrived shortly after and we met with Elisha, the social worker there, to discuss questions and get a tour and a feel for the place. As we were walking I felt this overwhelming love for these people and I knew that Jesus had placed it in me. Elisha introduced us to a woman named Agnes who usually showed off her room to people who were visiting as she had added some of her things to make it homey. As we stood there in this tiny space, with bits and pieces of her home life around the room, listening to her explain how hard it was to transition because you miss your own place, I felt so weighed down by it all, and I could feel tears pricking at my eyes. I don’t attribute these tears to the emotional state that I’ve been in lately, but to something much deeper; I felt as if Jesus was letting me into His heart for this woman, and it pained me to see her stuck in this place. We said our goodbyes and just before we left the room, I turned back and told her that I really admired her strength for adjusting to this place and being able to make it her own. She said it was all about the attitude and I wanted to cry for her, for this situation she was in, simply because she was old.

The next distinct lady that we visited was Mrs. Mulloch, a lady who shared a room with another woman named Rachel. We came in to find her sitting on her bed, bright red lipstick tracing her lips, and a necklace of bright blue beads around her neck. She answered questions about living there, how she enjoyed it, and how she and Rachel got along although she had very different backgrounds, as Rachel was born in North Africa, and Mrs. Mulloch in Canada. We left her to finish off the tour and ended up back at the waiting room where I met an older man named Arthur who was from England. I mentioned that I was born in England also and he smiled, revealing a few twisted, and typically English teeth. We talked about how long we had lived there for a bit and then Elisha came back to give us the final pieces of info that we needed. I wanted so badly to go back and talk to Agnes one-on-one as she had been so bright and brave in her homey little room. Elisha seemed suprised that we simply wanted to go back and talk but she relented and took us back to Agnes’s and Mrs. Mulloch’s room. Agnes’s door was closed so I went to talk to Mrs. Mulloch while Sharon went off to talk to someone else.

At first our conversation was stifled by the formality of my visit. She wanted to know what information I needed exactly, where I was there, and who did I work for. After answering her questions, I began to ask her about herself, her background. She answered my questions but told me I’d have to speak more directly and be specific, and it became obvious to me that she considered my visit only part of a requirement. I told her, I’m interested in you, in those pretty blue beads you’re wearing. That comment sparked a story about a play she’d been to once where she sat in the front row and the actress afterwards told her that those blue beads had been something she’d fixated her eyes on the whole play. It was so neat to get this piece of story out of her. She found it humourous that I was so interested in her, but didn’t seem to understand still what I wanted to know. She told me that her son and his family had gone to America for a week and put her in the care centre so that she would eat well, and when they came back, she had to give up her car as her son didn’t want her to get in any accidents, and it was really hard to give up driving, and that after she had ended up staying here because the care was so much better than what she could do for herself on her own. I asked her about what job she did, if she went to university, and she talked about getting a job from a lady in Toronto and how it was harder then for girls to get jobs, and how she’d ended up working doing typewriting, but as soon as she’d finished she said, “Well there’s nothing really interesting or fascinating about me, I’m just a normal person.” “What do you mean?” I said. “You have a story, everything’s an adventure if you make it into one.” It was after this that she said something that pulled tears into my eyes again. She said, “I’m flattered that you would come back. You’re the first person who has come back into my room to just talk.” She explained that her room was usually shown off because she lived with another person but that noone had wanted to come back and just talk to her. It suprised me because she was so friendly I assumed that people actually would stay and talk to her, not just look at her room, and yet it wasn’t so. We walked out together and she showed me where she ate, at the same table, with the same people. At one point earlier she had said, “I’m going to go to lunch now and tell the people that I sit with that you thought I was interesting and a fascinating and they are going to laugh so hard”, to which I replied, “well, anything you tell me is fascinating, it’s your story, and I don’t know any of it, so it’s all interesting to me.” She took me to the menu and we looked at the two options of meals and I pointed out that the strawberry sauce with pound cake looked good, at which she lit up and said , “Yes, I’ll prolly have that.” It was with that she reached out and took my hand and said again how flattered she was, and I asked if I chose to drop by another Wednesday and see her, if that would be ok, to which she was quite agreeable. We said goodbye and I made my way back to the front desk, not without passing a few people I had met earlier such as a man named, Sam whose eye was blurry because raspberry jam had been squirted into it. I told him it was a good story to tell.

I walked out of that place feeling so much love for those people that had briefly touched my life. I was only there for an hr and a half and yet God took me and used me in this place. Here I am, this emotional girl who has let myself become so burdened down with stress and crap that I lost sight of God for awhile. And yet, He gave me people yesterday and last night to pray with me and let me know that He loves me, and then this morning He puts me in a place where I can show that love of His to these beautiful older people. I found this verse that is so encouraging.

Ephesians 3:16-19:
“. . .he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith–that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.”

I have discovered this year so much that sometimes you can’t truly feel God’s love until He pushes you to express it to other people....It is truly an amazing experience. My friend Julie-Anne has been encouraging me to “Walk by faith, not by sight” and I really feel like that is playing out in my life right now. “That you may be filled with all the fullness of God” (verse 19) is a definite prayer of mine, that weighs on my heart for myself and for those who read this, and most definitely for people such as Mrs. Mulloch.

fragile but God is sufficient

Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Psalm 138
Though I walk in the midst of trouble,
you preserve my life;
you stretch out your hand against
the wrath of my enemies,
and your right hand delivers me.
The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me,
your steadfast love, O LORD, endures forever.
Do not forsake the work of your hands.

I want so so much to believe that right now...I feel so fragile, like something broken that keep getting put back together but is easily prone to shattering at the slightest mishap. My head hurts so much right now from all the tears I’ve let slip out. My intention was to stick close to God and lean on Him but I can’t seem to stay happy for long periods of time. It started with the weekend and a whole load of stressful things piling themselves up in my mind and refusing to back down. Monday was by far the worst day I’ve had in awhile. I felt sick, exhausted and separate from myself. I didn’t care about myself in any way..I think my emotions were bordering on depression. And yet God shone through. He gave me friends to pray with and let me know that I am truly not alone in my struggles. I am holding tight to that verse in Ps 138 that says so bodly,
“The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me.” Father, show me this purpose you speak of, I believe it is an on-going purpose to love others as Christ does and to trust God, but I also know that God has specific purposes for me to place in His hands and not try to blindly run with. Father forgive me for my doubts, I love you.

City love

"life in the country
sweet memory
simple kid far from the city
still the best of me"--Unknown

Moving from South Caronlina suburbs into Ontario countryside wasn't quite as difficult as I'd intially imagined. Back in South Carolina, I used to drive my old Ford Taurus out to the lakefront, my guitar in the backseat, and sprawl out on the scratched and worn red hood, feeling as if I had all the time in the world to soak in the eternity of the sky. . The beauty of the clouds as they caught up with the colours captivated my senses and it was there that God was most real to me. .The other place that God was most real to me was the beach.

"I'm sitting here on the shore,
I cast my eyes against the glare,
gray angels plummet,
skim the sea and soar into the air.
This canvas of blues,
no stage could give a better seat,
the sky's not just above me,
it's reflected at my feet. . .
I whisper to the wind,
as it tousles my hair,
I trace footprints against the glimmer of the sun,
until they are no longer there."-B.W

Anyways, you get the point, I feel God's embrace through His creation. Since I've moved out to Uxbridge, Ontario, I have fully fallen in love with the countryside..Big gorgeous skies, man it fascinates me.

So on Wednesday evenings, upon finding myself in the city of Toronto, closeted by buildings thrusting their sharp and domineering figures into the sky, I feel a bit turned off by it all, to be quite honest. At least I used to feel that way until lately. There is nothing captivating to me that touches me the way the sky does. sure, the city impresses me with its high quality structures. But it is only recently that God has been opening my eyes to beauty within the city. A couple weeks ago I was riding the subway, and reflecting on the fact that I missed seeing God's beautiful creation. It was at that point that I felt God say, "Look at my people I've created. You're surrounded by them. There is so much variety and beauty in my creation." It was a stunning realization. And yet I found it hard to put into practice at first. I began to observe people and their different features but after I had established that there were many different faces, I just couldn't feel the same appreciation that I did for God's nature.

God encountered me a week or so later through two different very different people, in two different places and circumstances within the city. It was through these encounters that I saw Jesus enter the city, and point out the beauty of God's creation to me through these people. Since these encounters, God has opened my heart up to the city, and now I go with the hope that He will prompt me in some way to share His love with His creation. It is a beautiful seed that has been planted in my heart. I can't wait to see how God will further this city love.

a reminder

a reminder of part of why I fell in love with God.

silliness followed by revelation

I'm in one of those horrible, feel sorry for myself moods in which I question everything around me, my purpose/life itself/my faith/relationships. it's no good I tell you. and yet I can't shake it off this weight--it has sunk its teeth in and i feel so restless with myself. i feel lost. 20 minutes or so ago I lay down on the couch with my head in my hands and wanted to cry, with efforts to understand myself floating around in my head and no conclusions surfacing i gave up. thinking back on a conversation i had today with a friend about fulfillment and how God is fulfilling me right now. yea well this mood has thrown that feeling out the window. I know there is a spiritual battle that my heart goes through every minute and I've been so fixated on the big struggles lately that I've forgotten the everyday war...God is so real to me today and yet I can sit here and question who I really am? I suppose that question will submerge and resurface continually throughout my life. I really have no answer for this horrific splurge of self-pity and so I will resort to a verse.
k I randomly flipped to a Psalm. before I spill its contents onto this blog I have to question..how can a Psalm be so close to this situation and yet seem so far at the same time:
Ps 16
"Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge. I say to the Lord, "You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you."
I skimmed the rest but am only in the mood to type out this part. I think this verse is the basis for countering everything I'm questioning/feeling.
"Preserve me, O God."
"for in you I take refuge."
"You are my Lord."
"I have no good apart from you."
Nothing in my life right now could be considered good if it were not for what Christ has done, is doing, and will continue to do through and in me.

I have to apologize for this ramble. The only reason I won't delete it is b/c I'm sure it will run through my mind again and I'll need to read this to see what an idiot I'm being.
I have to apologize to and thank God for, Reva ---here you are trying to cope with what your mom's going through and leaning heavily on God to make it and here I am questioning who I am and who God is all because of a terrible mood. God, I thankyou for beautiful strong women like Reva and her mom who love you.

The mood has left, all in a matter of seconds with the realization of my ignorance. God is so real to me. even today He taught me so much through some different experiences and how willing I was to throw those memories away with the mood I preferred to dwell on. God is truly whom I take refuge in. "Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge. I say to the Lord, "You are my Lord." I have no good apart from you." Thankyou Jesus for the good that You are to me.

O Captive daughter of Zion

God led me to this verse the other day in Isaiah:
Isaiah 52:1-2
“Awake, awake, put on your strength, O Zion;
put on your beautiful garments,
O Jerusalem, the holy city;
for there shall no more come into you the uncircumcised
and the unclean.
Shake yourself from the dust and arise;
be seated, O Jerusalem;
loose the bonds from your neck,
O captive daughter of Zion.”

Somtimes I feel that last line describes me "O captive daughter of Zion", captive in the struggles I face when I'm not looking to God to lead me. I feel like the "beautiful garments" He is urging Zion to put on, for me, are the things that God has created in me to be beautiful, that sin has perverted. Parts of me that God wants to use to further His glory and yet sin is constantly trying to ravish, and when I give in, I only make it worse. When it says "loose the bonds from your neck" and "shake off the dust"---it gives me so much encouragement, reminding me that God set me free when He sent Jesus Christ to die on the cross and there is so much beauty in that.

May He set you free.

story: Drowning

The night was drenched in an unusual emotion. A mix of anticipation but I could feel underneath a sense of dread, or something darker. We could feel it clenched in our hands---at any point we were free to unleash it, this tainted freedom. We walked down the footstep-ridden road til we found it---the lake. Something about it always pulled us back. The first glimpse of it was always different but enticing. Its surface glittered and I felt its pull. Already an invitation. Walking down to the water's edge, we slipped off our sandals. I put my bag and my Bible on shore and as the Bible touched the sand, I felt a small tug as if my fingers were connected to it, as if I shouldn't let go. But I shrugged it off. That was silly, how could I take my Bible in. The water was clear in the shallows, we knew exactly where we were stepping. The coolness of it brushed against our skin, it felt good, as it always did. We edged our way in deeper until we were swimming, our feet occasionally touching the bottom for assurance. The water started to get darker and darker and as I glanced back at the shore, my gaze caught my Bible and I heard a subtle whisper, "Come back." Only the wind, I told myself and kept on swimming. We slid smiles back and forth between our swimming strokes. The water held me tighter and tighter until we stopped, gasping for breath. It was then that we started to sink. At first it was a beautiful feeling, quite undescribable, a thrill of the moment. My lungs strained with the luxury of it. Suddenly, in a slap of scary reality, it hit me. We were drowning. Or rather, I was watching us drown. At some point I had slipped out of myself during the confusion. Our faces were caught in desperate grimaces and I began to panic, trying to shout at him--at her (or me, rather). Why couldn't they respond. I looked down and saw the water's darkness had taken on the shape of hands, fingers that were pulling at their clothes. Why couldn't they see. I swam upwards until I broke the surface. My eyes were drawn to the shore, to where my Bible had been, only I couldn't really see because it was so bright and I heard a voice, "Come back to me, I will save you, come back my sons, my daughters." I realized what they needed to break the surface, to see His light, His warmth. I took a breath and slid under the surface again only to back away in shock. There were thousands of people drowing, their faces twisted in grimaces. Some with crosses on their necks, t-shirts, grimy smiles plastered on their faces. For as far as I could see they were all caught by the dark fingers that held them from beneath. I swam back up and cried out, "Help me Father I cannot stop this." In an instant the light flickered then, shone outwards brighter than before so bright I had to shut my eyes. I heard a noise from beneath the surface, a deafening sound like thunder and the water felt colder than it ever had. Suddenly, the thunder died and I opened my eyes to find myself back in my body, crumpled on what had been the lake but now was an endless shore. The other people had disappeared and it was only us two again. His face mirrored the shame I could feel stretching across my own. The light was gone and I finally looked up to find my Bible, hoping it hadn't disappeared with it all. In its place was a cross, with handprints all over it, scratches along its sides and as I reached out to touch it I felt an overwhelming sadness wash over me and I snatched my hand back and smashed it into the sand. I saw myself for what I was and part of me wanted to be back, drowning. Or did I? These thoughts were not my own, but dangerous pieces of what I thought was ok. We gathered up the pieces quickly and buried them, out of sight, out of mind, right? Wrong. My shoulders felt so heavy, weighted down with disgust and I wondered if I had imagined all the other people. I must be the worst sinner on earth. Noone else could be as bad as------the thought was interrupted as people began to appear all around me, shame etched on their faces, bodies crumpled, hands drawn around knees. Oh, our pitiful efforts to disguise our sin. I got up slowly and tried to walk away but my feet wouldn't move, and remained in place, my body pointed at the cross. It was then I realized. Not only did my Saviour rescue me, He loved me in this moment. There was no way he would allow my shoulders to bear my burdens any longer. I knelt down and the words slipped from my lips, pulling the burden off my shoulders, "Forgive me Father. I surrender this." It was in this broken moment that I felt His love flowing through me. It lifted my head to look at the cross and I felt my Bible back in my hand. I began to walk away with a strength I had not felt at one point in that night and as I glanced over my shoulder I began to see His love spreading. People were kneeling, heads were lifted, and they were standing, one by one, He took them in His arms and freed them.

a couple days later I was walking down a road. something beyond the trees caught my eye, a glittering substance of some sort. it was the lake. a different road, a different place. I felt a thrill run through me, but as I glanced down I saw the Bible in my hands and the warmth of it quelled the thrill in an instant. my mind was drawn back to that night and I made my decision. walking quickly with my head down I passed the lake with all the strength I could muster. I knew I would find myself drowning again. it was certain to happen. but I would try to surrender. I will surrender.

>for those of you who are struggling know that you are not alone. Jesus is real to deliver us from it. We must, must surrender as much as we can. Amen.<

good kid

Good kid

it’s hard being a good kid. Why? Cuz I’m not. This Sunday I was scheduled to sing a song for communion, but Sunday morning rolled around and I felt trampled. Called a friend to see if she could fill in for me and when she asked why I told her my heart wasn’t in the right place. I don’t want to be up there pretending to be this good girl singing this good song when I’m not. It was at this that she pointed out the obvious. The best time for God to use you is when you’re broken. When you’ve confessed something that’s beyond your control and you feel completely unworthy to be near God. She recounted a similar time when she had to play piano for a church and she felt shattered and it was then that she felt God take complete control and used the music as an expression of Him. What if I break down in front of everyone? I asked. She told me that God would be with me through it all and I knew His voice is stronger than anything I could sing anyway.

Confided in another friend before the service and she took me to her office to pray with me. She again affirmed that if I had confessed what I did before God then all I could do now was to be humbled before Him and receive His love. She said that all the things in my mind that were telling me to get out of it, that I wasn’t worthy, and that I couldn’t change how I felt were not God’s voice. She prayed that if I hadn’t before, that I would finally understand what it meant to truly receive God’s forgiveness and the freedom that came through that. She felt like she should anoint my forehead with oil, and she did in the name of Jesus Christ.

The first service I got up to sing, and other than a bit of trouble with the mic slipping down, felt like it was ok. That God could use me after all. After the service, two ladies came up to express how they got chills all over from the song and it felt so rewarding to see that God touched people through my brokenness.

The second service was completely different. I actually felt God’s presence through the song and his power belting out through the words. I felt a confidence I’ve never experienced with singing in front of people and He drew me to Himself through my own words.

Looking back I see now that in the 1st service He humbled me and from that, in the 2nd I was able to receive His love and power. Interestingly enough, when I was initially broken the 1st time I didn’t feel like the song was that great for other people around me, it was just a song. But so many people commented on it, whereas for the 2nd when I felt strong and confident barely any people said anything and I think it was because God was showing me that when I felt most weak and unready to sing, He blessed other people through my music and when I felt stronger and ready, He blessed me. The beauty of that is something I only realized just now so I had to write it down for keepsakes.

“Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.” Ps 19:14

“I love you, O LORD, my strength. The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised, and I am saved from my enemies.” Ps 18:1-3

“May the LORD answer you in the day of trouble!” Ps 20:1

“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.” Ps 51:10

I leave you with the knowledge that it is so, so hard to be a good kid. And that is why God is faithful to restore, create, strengthen, and forgive.

Beth almost rhymes with chef

I have a confession: I, Beth Whitaker, when it comes to cooking, am hopelessly lost.

The recipe book that I bought myself contains two recipes, and I've only made one of the two: Chocolate mousse. :grins:

I just made myself lunch and realized that it's probably not a good thing that when I sit down to pray I end up praying that God would somehow make my meal taste good.

I've been thinking about the future and how someday :grins: I'll be a wife and part of being a wife to me means cooking for your husband. I used to just think I'd marry a chef and then I wouldn't have to worry about cooking. But I like making things for people and since I'm going to marry Jay (who is not a chef), I should probably get on with the whole amazing cook thing. Problem is, it's not as easy as it looks. I thought you can just throw in stuff here and there but I'm learning that instructions are there for a reason. In anything I learn, however, I don't like following the instructions. I'd rather just improvise and be good. Trouble is that the final effect is usually not quite what I'd imagined. My talents from previous concoctions as a child include giant freezie slushes, milkshakes, and melted cheese on chips. . .so my background doesn't exactly go over well with the whole cooking thing. Another point about the wife thing is that Jay's mom is an amazing cook so now only do I have to cook, I have to be amazing. sigh. the future looks sketch.

and yet there is HOPE! My reason?
: 1) my mom didn't learn to cook until she got married and the stuff she makes is amazing!! 2)Jay can cook some stuff--not sure what exactly tho 3)this is the most important: a bunch of my friends get together usually once a week on tuesdays b/n classes and make dinner so I asked for cooking lessons and they're up for it so I'm excited. Actually, I borrowed a recipe for this pasta the other night from them and made it Monday night for my fam = SUCCESS! The plan is to make my fam dinner every Monday night. .so it should be interesting. :grins:

So, with future cooking successes and failures at my door, I will keep you up to date on whether there continues to be hope or not. As for today's lunch, maybe I was just analyzing it too much, but I have decided that fried leftover pasta with cheese and tomatoes is 1)not the easiest thing to eat as the pasta sticks out every which way when you try to put it in your mouth 2)although yummily cheesy it tasted a bit greasy 3)the recipe in the book looked much tastier than how mine turned out. .sigh..so I think I will refrain from that lunch in the future.

ps. If anyone has good recipes/funny cooking stories, fill me in. :grins: thanks

I'm hopeless, you can't help but grin.

I am in North Bay for an adventure!

But judging by the expression on the store owner's face when I asked where the mall was, there isn't much to see. Course I knew that from my last visit---but this time I'm here cuz Jay started school and I've still got a week off.. Naturally, I'll have a blast when he's around, but its the hours in between those times that it's up to me for an adventure. . hence the fact that it's been lacking thus far. . I've discovered I'm fine in an empty house I can entertain myself but when venturing out in Jay's car to any particular place I feel awfully lonely at the sight of all the other ppl milling around. . so anyways I shall be recording the events of the next three days, 1) to have something to do , 2)b/c somethings are funny to tell , 3)why not. .

Wed. :
- slept last night on a pull-out couch = no sleep
- hung out with Jay
- got a little tour of part of his school--the hangar was the sweetest part, with all these planes and helicopters Jay gets to work on. .makes me almost want to learn so I could fiddle around with stuff.. but i'm hopeless when it comes to technical stuff.
- left Jay at school and decided to go exploring> this is where the first plan failed. . didn't know where to go, ended up at Zellers figuring I'd just hang out there a bit and look at cards-- CARDS?!--what a loser. .that got boring quick so I went and asked directions to a mall...asked for them at least 3 times from the same person as my head didn't not seem to be processing anything.
- drove down some road then got scared that I'd end up on a highway --what?!--anyways chickened out and went back to the house
- got the bright idea to make cookies for the boys--WORST PLAN EVER. . Round 1 = a mass of frizzled chocolate and dough as it all spread out. .my mistake was in putting butter on the baking tray---before you judge, I remembered that from baking a cake once, sigh, clearly butter and cookies = a

sea of burnt mess..
- scooped it off and put it in a bag b/c I didn't know if the trash can under the sink really was a trash can or not, so now it looks like poo in a bag...no joke..
Round 2 = after calling my sister and affirming that the butter was the problem I scrubbed the stupid pan clean and tried again. = another mass of frizzled chocolate only this time it was 8 cookies involved rather than 6---WHY OH WHY WAS I SO CONFIDENT IN MYSELF--moral: never be confident in yourself when you know you shouldn't be. so I frantically oh yea, and then the bag of chocolate poo got stuck to the pan and melted so I had to peel that off.

sigh. so now that I have concluded that it is not the butter, I do not know what to do. therefore I have made a wise decision. NO COOKIES. they can eat the dough or figure out how to make them themselves. ai yi yi. what with the bag of choc-poo in their trash can and the kitchen towel that I've ruined I don't really know if cookie dough will be enough to make it up. sigh. I'm hopeless, you can't help but grin.

Thurs:
-the morning involved sleeping/making new posts on my blog
-the rest of the day was random stuff nothing particularly exciting
-but that night after waking Jay up, I gathered a group of daring adventurerers for a night escapade to a railroad graveyard. Jay and I had discovered it last August when I was up visiting but since I figured it would be a buttload more creepier at night so we decided to go in a group. turns out everyone forgot the whole point of being quiet since we were trespassing. man it was sweet tho. smashed up railroad cars flipped on their side and pieces of crazy stuff everywhere. When Jay and I 1st went, there had been a cable car that was right-side up and since the door was unlocked we walked thru and it was this sweet kitchen area with the glass all smashed up and cannon balls everywhere. in our night adventure, however, we found it ripped to bits and flipped on its side. dude it was creepy all these piles of broken pieces of train parts and who knew what kinda crazy person could be living here. on our August adventure we had climbed up onto one of the railroad cars and planned to show the group but we got split off from them and they went back a diff way so that plan flopped. I found that I'm mostly all talk about those sort of adventures. i mean, I was all eager to go but when I put myself in the midst of it my imagination totally starts playing tricks on me and I get all worried. but the night was sweet, I'd do it again anytime (provided Jay was with me) :grins: . despite sludging through thick mud and grime, it was a good adventure. groovy.

Friday:
- spent the morning napping, then the afternoon watching some random old movie on tv. Picked up Jay at 3:30 and before we went back home we decided to check out these waterfall trails that we went exploring at back in the summer. man it was crazy beautiful because there was so much snow mixed with ice, covering the rocks with bits of moss sticking out here and there. the waterfall itself was so fast, throwing itself off each edge but it was so beautiful.

All in all the week made for some good times. Can't complain. Had fun with my man as usual, an adventure here and there.

The End.

a swinter day [a short story]

after packing as many layers on as I could I started off, toddling down the road on what felt like an adventure simply because of the sheer fact that I hadn't taken a simple walk in ages. . you can make pretty much anything an adventure if you put things in that perspective. . the day was deliciously bright, the skies puffed up with the purest of white to complement the sturdy blue background and the colours all around me seemed to be sporting a summer look, with the shadows leaving plenty of room for the sun to light up the fields. . it was breathtaking. .and yet the one thing that peeled away the label of summer was the chill-driven wind that would sweep in, grabbing wisps of my hair out of my scarf and stroking its cold fingers across my face..it was at this I would shudder and retreat further into my layers and yet its bitter cold could not turn me back because the scene before me spoke of better invitations than a retreat to my house. .

. .and so I continued along concession 6, through the stop sign marking sandford road's meeting place with concession 6 and straight on down the worn gravel. . my destination cannot be described as a place but possibly more as an event, or a thing. . in fact, it was actually unknown, the exact place in which my feet would stop and circle back around towards my house. . and so with this unknown anticipation in mind I continued on my way, scanning the road ahead for any sign of a figure. . the first figure I came upon was an older man who started off from his house down his driveway until I was able to perceive that we would pass each other at exactly the same moment- - he caught by the task of unmasking whatever his mailbox had to offer, and I caught in the line of passing him, and so I offered up a cheerful hello before we reached the crossing point in hope of a friendly neighborly exchange (as seems so common in the country and pleasantly delightful). . he responded with the same and as he reached for the mailbox he commented on the cold wind that had pushed its way into the day and (perhaps into his bones), remarking that it hindered a nice walk, and yet I smiled informing him that the wind was at my back as of now, not so much of an enemy as it would be on my way back. . his eyebrows went up at the thought - -perhaps it had escaped his mind, the thought of a pleasentry walk on a day like this, perhaps he simply assumed I had an immediate destination. . either way, we waved goodbye and I continued on my way. .

. . maybe I should explain the event of my destination so that you will not be concerned as to whether my mind had frozen and had me wandering aimlessly about on a country road until I felt the need to turn. . no rather, the point of my walk was to meet a friend, Robyn Huizenga to be exact and though we knew that we would both set off from our houses at 1 o'clock and both head towards each other, we knew not where the meeting place of initial contact would be. .it was a delightful suprise that kept me from counting down the mailboxes I had to pass, or worrying about the time. .[I wonder if more people made appointments in this way, if people would be less frantic about meeting and more observant of the delight of the occasion--although I do presume that on a city street it could be more stressful, as there are thousands of people destined to catch your eye or attention in place of the clouds and trees this day that caught mine]. . it was after awhile of some aimless scanning that my eyes zeroed in on a particular black dot that appeared to possibly be just another mailbox lining the road, and yet my mind felt as though it could be something else, a person perhaps--possibly Robyn herself. . my eyes were so focussed on this spec that when it seemed to waver as it if was in motion, I had to rub my eyes to make sure I was seeing right. . perhaps it was just the light glancing off the road that made its wavering seem so obvious and yet so faint-- I could not put my finger on any certain possibility and so I continued to watch it. .bit by bit it became more wiggly and as it took on a shape the angle in which it faced me made it appear as if it was imitating a penguin's waddly walk- -in fact the humour of it flicked my imagination into the movie Mary Poppins where all the cartoon penguins appear and I thought of the millions of movies where children simple imagine a character appearing and suddenly it comes alive for them. .I admit, I tried it for a moment thinking my imagination could conjure it up for a second or two. . and it worked for a second, a penguin appeared mirroring the smile on my face and for a split second I was tempted to conjure up a few more, but then the fields beside me caught my eye and the magic was lost in the reality of the silliness I was entertaining. .

. .so I brought my concentration back to the figure itself, still a waddling show of motion. .as it got closer I began to see that the root of the figure were looking more like feet, or boots rather, quickly slipping in and out of the line in which the shape was following. . I waved, a quick sweep of a wave, not really to get a definite reaction but just to see if it would wave back, this little grey-black apparition, that became seemingly more real the closer it got to me. . eventually I got to the point where the figure became a possible Robyn, and with another wave she started running towards me. . I felt caught between running myself, telling her she doesn't have to run and yet I continued to casually approach thinking how odd it felt to walk towards someone you knew you were meeting and yet it was feeling of suprise all throughout. . as she got closer and closer I could see the color black defined as a grey coat and the motion behind her head consisted of her hair flapping wildly in the wind, drawn back behind her by the rush of the run. . we finally met, stopping at our destination to greet with reflected honest smiles and a hug, followed by a rush of greetings and wonder at the gorgeous day. .we turned around to head back along the road towards my house, a walk to be continued and yet though it was the same road, it had hardly the same feel. . looking back I realize I can't even pinpoint the place in which we chose to turn back, the importance of the meeting place was brushed aside by the importance of our greeting. .the walk back to my house was delightful not because of the walk itself (as now--the destination was not a suprise) but rather the exchanges of conversation that we let the wind snatch, here and there. . it was first about the scenery, and then about the friend, with all the normal instinctive planning replaced by the sponaeity of the day itself. . that gorgeous swinter day. . .