Wednesday, March 28th, 2007
I woke up this morning feeling happy. It was a good emotion to feel after yesterdays ups and downs. My social work class required me to do a project on a place that offered social services and my partner, Sharon, had chosen the Bayview extended care just down the street from the place I was staying at. I got there a bit earlier than Sharon and found myself surrounded by older people sitting here and there in the reception area. I felt a little intimidated at first, what would I say? I wanted so much to connect to these people, to be able to them and perhaps be a witness of Christ to them. Sharon arrived shortly after and we met with Elisha, the social worker there, to discuss questions and get a tour and a feel for the place. As we were walking I felt this overwhelming love for these people and I knew that Jesus had placed it in me. Elisha introduced us to a woman named Agnes who usually showed off her room to people who were visiting as she had added some of her things to make it homey. As we stood there in this tiny space, with bits and pieces of her home life around the room, listening to her explain how hard it was to transition because you miss your own place, I felt so weighed down by it all, and I could feel tears pricking at my eyes. I don’t attribute these tears to the emotional state that I’ve been in lately, but to something much deeper; I felt as if Jesus was letting me into His heart for this woman, and it pained me to see her stuck in this place. We said our goodbyes and just before we left the room, I turned back and told her that I really admired her strength for adjusting to this place and being able to make it her own. She said it was all about the attitude and I wanted to cry for her, for this situation she was in, simply because she was old.
The next distinct lady that we visited was Mrs. Mulloch, a lady who shared a room with another woman named Rachel. We came in to find her sitting on her bed, bright red lipstick tracing her lips, and a necklace of bright blue beads around her neck. She answered questions about living there, how she enjoyed it, and how she and Rachel got along although she had very different backgrounds, as Rachel was born in North Africa, and Mrs. Mulloch in Canada. We left her to finish off the tour and ended up back at the waiting room where I met an older man named Arthur who was from England. I mentioned that I was born in England also and he smiled, revealing a few twisted, and typically English teeth. We talked about how long we had lived there for a bit and then Elisha came back to give us the final pieces of info that we needed. I wanted so badly to go back and talk to Agnes one-on-one as she had been so bright and brave in her homey little room. Elisha seemed suprised that we simply wanted to go back and talk but she relented and took us back to Agnes’s and Mrs. Mulloch’s room. Agnes’s door was closed so I went to talk to Mrs. Mulloch while Sharon went off to talk to someone else.
At first our conversation was stifled by the formality of my visit. She wanted to know what information I needed exactly, where I was there, and who did I work for. After answering her questions, I began to ask her about herself, her background. She answered my questions but told me I’d have to speak more directly and be specific, and it became obvious to me that she considered my visit only part of a requirement. I told her, I’m interested in you, in those pretty blue beads you’re wearing. That comment sparked a story about a play she’d been to once where she sat in the front row and the actress afterwards told her that those blue beads had been something she’d fixated her eyes on the whole play. It was so neat to get this piece of story out of her. She found it humourous that I was so interested in her, but didn’t seem to understand still what I wanted to know. She told me that her son and his family had gone to America for a week and put her in the care centre so that she would eat well, and when they came back, she had to give up her car as her son didn’t want her to get in any accidents, and it was really hard to give up driving, and that after she had ended up staying here because the care was so much better than what she could do for herself on her own. I asked her about what job she did, if she went to university, and she talked about getting a job from a lady in Toronto and how it was harder then for girls to get jobs, and how she’d ended up working doing typewriting, but as soon as she’d finished she said, “Well there’s nothing really interesting or fascinating about me, I’m just a normal person.” “What do you mean?” I said. “You have a story, everything’s an adventure if you make it into one.” It was after this that she said something that pulled tears into my eyes again. She said, “I’m flattered that you would come back. You’re the first person who has come back into my room to just talk.” She explained that her room was usually shown off because she lived with another person but that noone had wanted to come back and just talk to her. It suprised me because she was so friendly I assumed that people actually would stay and talk to her, not just look at her room, and yet it wasn’t so. We walked out together and she showed me where she ate, at the same table, with the same people. At one point earlier she had said, “I’m going to go to lunch now and tell the people that I sit with that you thought I was interesting and a fascinating and they are going to laugh so hard”, to which I replied, “well, anything you tell me is fascinating, it’s your story, and I don’t know any of it, so it’s all interesting to me.” She took me to the menu and we looked at the two options of meals and I pointed out that the strawberry sauce with pound cake looked good, at which she lit up and said , “Yes, I’ll prolly have that.” It was with that she reached out and took my hand and said again how flattered she was, and I asked if I chose to drop by another Wednesday and see her, if that would be ok, to which she was quite agreeable. We said goodbye and I made my way back to the front desk, not without passing a few people I had met earlier such as a man named, Sam whose eye was blurry because raspberry jam had been squirted into it. I told him it was a good story to tell.
I walked out of that place feeling so much love for those people that had briefly touched my life. I was only there for an hr and a half and yet God took me and used me in this place. Here I am, this emotional girl who has let myself become so burdened down with stress and crap that I lost sight of God for awhile. And yet, He gave me people yesterday and last night to pray with me and let me know that He loves me, and then this morning He puts me in a place where I can show that love of His to these beautiful older people. I found this verse that is so encouraging.
Ephesians 3:16-19:
“. . .he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith–that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.”
I have discovered this year so much that sometimes you can’t truly feel God’s love until He pushes you to express it to other people....It is truly an amazing experience. My friend Julie-Anne has been encouraging me to “Walk by faith, not by sight” and I really feel like that is playing out in my life right now. “That you may be filled with all the fullness of God” (verse 19) is a definite prayer of mine, that weighs on my heart for myself and for those who read this, and most definitely for people such as Mrs. Mulloch.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
fragile but God is sufficient
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Psalm 138
Though I walk in the midst of trouble,
you preserve my life;
you stretch out your hand against
the wrath of my enemies,
and your right hand delivers me.
The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me,
your steadfast love, O LORD, endures forever.
Do not forsake the work of your hands.
I want so so much to believe that right now...I feel so fragile, like something broken that keep getting put back together but is easily prone to shattering at the slightest mishap. My head hurts so much right now from all the tears I’ve let slip out. My intention was to stick close to God and lean on Him but I can’t seem to stay happy for long periods of time. It started with the weekend and a whole load of stressful things piling themselves up in my mind and refusing to back down. Monday was by far the worst day I’ve had in awhile. I felt sick, exhausted and separate from myself. I didn’t care about myself in any way..I think my emotions were bordering on depression. And yet God shone through. He gave me friends to pray with and let me know that I am truly not alone in my struggles. I am holding tight to that verse in Ps 138 that says so bodly,
“The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me.” Father, show me this purpose you speak of, I believe it is an on-going purpose to love others as Christ does and to trust God, but I also know that God has specific purposes for me to place in His hands and not try to blindly run with. Father forgive me for my doubts, I love you.
Psalm 138
Though I walk in the midst of trouble,
you preserve my life;
you stretch out your hand against
the wrath of my enemies,
and your right hand delivers me.
The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me,
your steadfast love, O LORD, endures forever.
Do not forsake the work of your hands.
I want so so much to believe that right now...I feel so fragile, like something broken that keep getting put back together but is easily prone to shattering at the slightest mishap. My head hurts so much right now from all the tears I’ve let slip out. My intention was to stick close to God and lean on Him but I can’t seem to stay happy for long periods of time. It started with the weekend and a whole load of stressful things piling themselves up in my mind and refusing to back down. Monday was by far the worst day I’ve had in awhile. I felt sick, exhausted and separate from myself. I didn’t care about myself in any way..I think my emotions were bordering on depression. And yet God shone through. He gave me friends to pray with and let me know that I am truly not alone in my struggles. I am holding tight to that verse in Ps 138 that says so bodly,
“The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me.” Father, show me this purpose you speak of, I believe it is an on-going purpose to love others as Christ does and to trust God, but I also know that God has specific purposes for me to place in His hands and not try to blindly run with. Father forgive me for my doubts, I love you.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
City love
"life in the country
sweet memory
simple kid far from the city
still the best of me"--Unknown
Moving from South Caronlina suburbs into Ontario countryside wasn't quite as difficult as I'd intially imagined. Back in South Carolina, I used to drive my old Ford Taurus out to the lakefront, my guitar in the backseat, and sprawl out on the scratched and worn red hood, feeling as if I had all the time in the world to soak in the eternity of the sky. . The beauty of the clouds as they caught up with the colours captivated my senses and it was there that God was most real to me. .The other place that God was most real to me was the beach.
"I'm sitting here on the shore,
I cast my eyes against the glare,
gray angels plummet,
skim the sea and soar into the air.
This canvas of blues,
no stage could give a better seat,
the sky's not just above me,
it's reflected at my feet. . .
I whisper to the wind,
as it tousles my hair,
I trace footprints against the glimmer of the sun,
until they are no longer there."-B.W
Anyways, you get the point, I feel God's embrace through His creation. Since I've moved out to Uxbridge, Ontario, I have fully fallen in love with the countryside..Big gorgeous skies, man it fascinates me.
So on Wednesday evenings, upon finding myself in the city of Toronto, closeted by buildings thrusting their sharp and domineering figures into the sky, I feel a bit turned off by it all, to be quite honest. At least I used to feel that way until lately. There is nothing captivating to me that touches me the way the sky does. sure, the city impresses me with its high quality structures. But it is only recently that God has been opening my eyes to beauty within the city. A couple weeks ago I was riding the subway, and reflecting on the fact that I missed seeing God's beautiful creation. It was at that point that I felt God say, "Look at my people I've created. You're surrounded by them. There is so much variety and beauty in my creation." It was a stunning realization. And yet I found it hard to put into practice at first. I began to observe people and their different features but after I had established that there were many different faces, I just couldn't feel the same appreciation that I did for God's nature.
God encountered me a week or so later through two different very different people, in two different places and circumstances within the city. It was through these encounters that I saw Jesus enter the city, and point out the beauty of God's creation to me through these people. Since these encounters, God has opened my heart up to the city, and now I go with the hope that He will prompt me in some way to share His love with His creation. It is a beautiful seed that has been planted in my heart. I can't wait to see how God will further this city love.
sweet memory
simple kid far from the city
still the best of me"--Unknown
Moving from South Caronlina suburbs into Ontario countryside wasn't quite as difficult as I'd intially imagined. Back in South Carolina, I used to drive my old Ford Taurus out to the lakefront, my guitar in the backseat, and sprawl out on the scratched and worn red hood, feeling as if I had all the time in the world to soak in the eternity of the sky. . The beauty of the clouds as they caught up with the colours captivated my senses and it was there that God was most real to me. .The other place that God was most real to me was the beach.
"I'm sitting here on the shore,
I cast my eyes against the glare,
gray angels plummet,
skim the sea and soar into the air.
This canvas of blues,
no stage could give a better seat,
the sky's not just above me,
it's reflected at my feet. . .
I whisper to the wind,
as it tousles my hair,
I trace footprints against the glimmer of the sun,
until they are no longer there."-B.W
Anyways, you get the point, I feel God's embrace through His creation. Since I've moved out to Uxbridge, Ontario, I have fully fallen in love with the countryside..Big gorgeous skies, man it fascinates me.
So on Wednesday evenings, upon finding myself in the city of Toronto, closeted by buildings thrusting their sharp and domineering figures into the sky, I feel a bit turned off by it all, to be quite honest. At least I used to feel that way until lately. There is nothing captivating to me that touches me the way the sky does. sure, the city impresses me with its high quality structures. But it is only recently that God has been opening my eyes to beauty within the city. A couple weeks ago I was riding the subway, and reflecting on the fact that I missed seeing God's beautiful creation. It was at that point that I felt God say, "Look at my people I've created. You're surrounded by them. There is so much variety and beauty in my creation." It was a stunning realization. And yet I found it hard to put into practice at first. I began to observe people and their different features but after I had established that there were many different faces, I just couldn't feel the same appreciation that I did for God's nature.
God encountered me a week or so later through two different very different people, in two different places and circumstances within the city. It was through these encounters that I saw Jesus enter the city, and point out the beauty of God's creation to me through these people. Since these encounters, God has opened my heart up to the city, and now I go with the hope that He will prompt me in some way to share His love with His creation. It is a beautiful seed that has been planted in my heart. I can't wait to see how God will further this city love.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
silliness followed by revelation
I'm in one of those horrible, feel sorry for myself moods in which I question everything around me, my purpose/life itself/my faith/relationships. it's no good I tell you. and yet I can't shake it off this weight--it has sunk its teeth in and i feel so restless with myself. i feel lost. 20 minutes or so ago I lay down on the couch with my head in my hands and wanted to cry, with efforts to understand myself floating around in my head and no conclusions surfacing i gave up. thinking back on a conversation i had today with a friend about fulfillment and how God is fulfilling me right now. yea well this mood has thrown that feeling out the window. I know there is a spiritual battle that my heart goes through every minute and I've been so fixated on the big struggles lately that I've forgotten the everyday war...God is so real to me today and yet I can sit here and question who I really am? I suppose that question will submerge and resurface continually throughout my life. I really have no answer for this horrific splurge of self-pity and so I will resort to a verse.
k I randomly flipped to a Psalm. before I spill its contents onto this blog I have to question..how can a Psalm be so close to this situation and yet seem so far at the same time:
Ps 16
"Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge. I say to the Lord, "You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you."
I skimmed the rest but am only in the mood to type out this part. I think this verse is the basis for countering everything I'm questioning/feeling.
"Preserve me, O God."
"for in you I take refuge."
"You are my Lord."
"I have no good apart from you."
Nothing in my life right now could be considered good if it were not for what Christ has done, is doing, and will continue to do through and in me.
I have to apologize for this ramble. The only reason I won't delete it is b/c I'm sure it will run through my mind again and I'll need to read this to see what an idiot I'm being.
I have to apologize to and thank God for, Reva ---here you are trying to cope with what your mom's going through and leaning heavily on God to make it and here I am questioning who I am and who God is all because of a terrible mood. God, I thankyou for beautiful strong women like Reva and her mom who love you.
The mood has left, all in a matter of seconds with the realization of my ignorance. God is so real to me. even today He taught me so much through some different experiences and how willing I was to throw those memories away with the mood I preferred to dwell on. God is truly whom I take refuge in. "Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge. I say to the Lord, "You are my Lord." I have no good apart from you." Thankyou Jesus for the good that You are to me.
k I randomly flipped to a Psalm. before I spill its contents onto this blog I have to question..how can a Psalm be so close to this situation and yet seem so far at the same time:
Ps 16
"Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge. I say to the Lord, "You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you."
I skimmed the rest but am only in the mood to type out this part. I think this verse is the basis for countering everything I'm questioning/feeling.
"Preserve me, O God."
"for in you I take refuge."
"You are my Lord."
"I have no good apart from you."
Nothing in my life right now could be considered good if it were not for what Christ has done, is doing, and will continue to do through and in me.
I have to apologize for this ramble. The only reason I won't delete it is b/c I'm sure it will run through my mind again and I'll need to read this to see what an idiot I'm being.
I have to apologize to and thank God for, Reva ---here you are trying to cope with what your mom's going through and leaning heavily on God to make it and here I am questioning who I am and who God is all because of a terrible mood. God, I thankyou for beautiful strong women like Reva and her mom who love you.
The mood has left, all in a matter of seconds with the realization of my ignorance. God is so real to me. even today He taught me so much through some different experiences and how willing I was to throw those memories away with the mood I preferred to dwell on. God is truly whom I take refuge in. "Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge. I say to the Lord, "You are my Lord." I have no good apart from you." Thankyou Jesus for the good that You are to me.
O Captive daughter of Zion
God led me to this verse the other day in Isaiah:
Isaiah 52:1-2
“Awake, awake, put on your strength, O Zion;
put on your beautiful garments,
O Jerusalem, the holy city;
for there shall no more come into you the uncircumcised
and the unclean.
Shake yourself from the dust and arise;
be seated, O Jerusalem;
loose the bonds from your neck,
O captive daughter of Zion.”
Somtimes I feel that last line describes me "O captive daughter of Zion", captive in the struggles I face when I'm not looking to God to lead me. I feel like the "beautiful garments" He is urging Zion to put on, for me, are the things that God has created in me to be beautiful, that sin has perverted. Parts of me that God wants to use to further His glory and yet sin is constantly trying to ravish, and when I give in, I only make it worse. When it says "loose the bonds from your neck" and "shake off the dust"---it gives me so much encouragement, reminding me that God set me free when He sent Jesus Christ to die on the cross and there is so much beauty in that.
May He set you free.
Isaiah 52:1-2
“Awake, awake, put on your strength, O Zion;
put on your beautiful garments,
O Jerusalem, the holy city;
for there shall no more come into you the uncircumcised
and the unclean.
Shake yourself from the dust and arise;
be seated, O Jerusalem;
loose the bonds from your neck,
O captive daughter of Zion.”
Somtimes I feel that last line describes me "O captive daughter of Zion", captive in the struggles I face when I'm not looking to God to lead me. I feel like the "beautiful garments" He is urging Zion to put on, for me, are the things that God has created in me to be beautiful, that sin has perverted. Parts of me that God wants to use to further His glory and yet sin is constantly trying to ravish, and when I give in, I only make it worse. When it says "loose the bonds from your neck" and "shake off the dust"---it gives me so much encouragement, reminding me that God set me free when He sent Jesus Christ to die on the cross and there is so much beauty in that.
May He set you free.
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