I'm in one of those horrible, feel sorry for myself moods in which I question everything around me, my purpose/life itself/my faith/relationships. it's no good I tell you. and yet I can't shake it off this weight--it has sunk its teeth in and i feel so restless with myself. i feel lost. 20 minutes or so ago I lay down on the couch with my head in my hands and wanted to cry, with efforts to understand myself floating around in my head and no conclusions surfacing i gave up. thinking back on a conversation i had today with a friend about fulfillment and how God is fulfilling me right now. yea well this mood has thrown that feeling out the window. I know there is a spiritual battle that my heart goes through every minute and I've been so fixated on the big struggles lately that I've forgotten the everyday war...God is so real to me today and yet I can sit here and question who I really am? I suppose that question will submerge and resurface continually throughout my life. I really have no answer for this horrific splurge of self-pity and so I will resort to a verse.
k I randomly flipped to a Psalm. before I spill its contents onto this blog I have to question..how can a Psalm be so close to this situation and yet seem so far at the same time:
Ps 16
"Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge. I say to the Lord, "You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you."
I skimmed the rest but am only in the mood to type out this part. I think this verse is the basis for countering everything I'm questioning/feeling.
"Preserve me, O God."
"for in you I take refuge."
"You are my Lord."
"I have no good apart from you."
Nothing in my life right now could be considered good if it were not for what Christ has done, is doing, and will continue to do through and in me.
I have to apologize for this ramble. The only reason I won't delete it is b/c I'm sure it will run through my mind again and I'll need to read this to see what an idiot I'm being.
I have to apologize to and thank God for, Reva ---here you are trying to cope with what your mom's going through and leaning heavily on God to make it and here I am questioning who I am and who God is all because of a terrible mood. God, I thankyou for beautiful strong women like Reva and her mom who love you.
The mood has left, all in a matter of seconds with the realization of my ignorance. God is so real to me. even today He taught me so much through some different experiences and how willing I was to throw those memories away with the mood I preferred to dwell on. God is truly whom I take refuge in. "Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge. I say to the Lord, "You are my Lord." I have no good apart from you." Thankyou Jesus for the good that You are to me.
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1 comment:
oh beth.
thank you so much...
although, i feel like a faker, when you say that i'm a strong person. lately strong is the last thing that i'm feeling, especially now, with everything with my mom.
i wish that i had any bit of strength left, cause i want to have some to put in it into God, and that's so hard for me right now.
josh and i are doing oshwald chambers devotionals each night right now, yet it all just seems like words on paper to me. of course, every word is spoken directly at me, and is fitting my situation perfectly, but i'm still finding my self giving into the world, and not trusting these words, these scriptures.
but i'm glad that i have strong people like you, who i know go through the same crappy stuff as everyone else, which is helpful, because i now know that my imperfections are not alone.
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