just to be

God has really been challenging me to treasure the 'now'...or in my case, to reflect on and treasure the 'yesterday'...I cannot fully define the beauty of spending a day with God, but I'm going to try..
--yesterday morning I was making lunch and planning to watch t.v and felt God say something along the lines of, "why don't you put on some worship music and just spend time with me"..I pushed him away, thinking that I wasn't in the mood for a 'spiritual' experience...later I was listening to songs on my computer and a favorite came up that said, "why do you run, why do you hide, I just wanna be with you..I see you there watching t.v..but I just want to be with you"..so :grins: that was the 1st little jab from God that morning..
--later at school (tyndale) I had a break most of the day and so my friend, Mike, and I went for a walk around the block and started discussing God and the concept of just simply 'being with Him'...Mike told me the story of a guy who was skipping rocks on a river one day, and asking God what he was supposed to do, what did God want from Him..and he felt God say, 'I just want to skip rocks with you'...:grins: perhaps it seems a bit absurd, but I love that idea..sometimes I find myself going to God only when I'm in a 'spiritual place' or mood for God-stuff, but God really wants to be included in every part of our lives..I suppose I've known that all along but not really put it into practice so much..it's like a friend that you spend time with simply to appreciate them , not to get something out of the talks you share with them...so that was God's 2nd lil jab.."let us draw near with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith"--Hebrews 10:22
--that night I was eating dinner in the cafe and I felt this strong desire to sit off on my own and 'just be' with God...so I grabbed my cd player, put some worship music on (drewbrown>amazing worship songs) and just sat with God by the window, eating dinner with Him..I wasn't expecting to 'feel' anything in particular, just to invite him to my table..the sky was gorgeous so after dinner, God and I went up to the 6th floor balcony to check out the sky...I really see His majesty up there, past all the man-made buildings, minus all the city sounds, it was amazing to just stand up there enjoying who God is, through His creation...so to end my God-date, I went back to the Kat (student lounge) and played Him some love songs I've written for Him on guitar...just me and Him, off in a corner..man...it was the best date I've had in a long time...
--to finish the night I went to this bar called "Sneaky D's" to play guitar at this open jam thing that my friend was playing at...walked in not knowing anyone and felt instantly comfortable....big canvas on the wall for people to paint whatever they felt, sketchbooks on all the tables, ppl just jamming up on stage, embracing the feel of the music...fantastic atmosphere..so I went up on stage after a bit and started out with this song about Jazz...so after the Jazz song I realized that I really really wanted to share some songs that I'd written about Christ, but I was so scared because I didn't want to push God into people's faces and I don't know what I was really scared of but I felt God urging me to share..so I played some songs that were obviously about God and tho I was hestitant at first, I felt God encouraging me throughout the songs, just letting me know He was into it even if other ppl might not have been...overall the night was grand...."He was crucified because of weakness, yet He lives because of the power of God. For we also are weak in Him, yet we will live with Him because of the power of God directed toward you."--2 Corinthians 13:4
--this guy Chris gave me a ride home and earlier he had told me that my songs were cool but he sensed something in my voice that made it seem like I was holding back, from completely putting myself out there in the music..I had told him also that I went to bible school (Capernwray Harbour) last yr in BC and he asked what attracted me to the Bible, and I told him it was Christ that attracted me, just getting to know what He was about and His background..it felt so good to just be open about that, ya kno..we continued talking about church/where we derive our inspirations from and it was sweet to be able to just openly talk about it from different angles, no assumptions, no judging...and I told him that in playing I felt like I actually was holding back a bit because of the content of my songs, and even in God's prodding me, I was scared to share that intimacy I sang of with Christ...so it was cool to get an outside perspective on how I came across...I hope you invite God completely into your day because I guarantee, He will show up..."Draw near to God and He will draw near to you."--James 4:8

if words left a mark

'if words left a mark, would we say the same things?/I stand at your door, it is locked, and I am waiting/my fears are confirmed with a sigh/this is my first command, love God with all I am/the second is like it, this is what love is/our hearts although unseen, are always listening/this is the answer, who is my neighbor/I came took your hand, I learned your name, I danced around you/I taught you to dance around me/what's wrong in me may never be right/to fight and stand alone/we're crying on our own/we're dying on our own/if words left a mark, would we say the same thing?' (tom conlon)

I want to apologize to people I've hurt this week, unintentionally or intentionally (both are quite likely)..how often do we bruise people with our words...I think of people who have speaking disabilities and who struggle to get out even a few words...if my words were limited and I actually thought before I rambled, how much would I hold back, how many hurtful words would stay silent...I really love God, I really do...and I don't want to be someone who says that and holds onto that phrase while being afraid to step out and live it...how many times, even as a Christian, has Jesus been waiting outside my door to speak to me, to teach me, and I've held him off attempting to fill up my time with useless, temporary thoughts..'what's wrong in me may never be right'..I am quite hopeless on my own, but I find that God will meet me whereever...I love the concept of God saying 'I came, took your hand, learned your name, I danced around you'...there's something about knowing someone's name and gaining a connection, a chance to say hello...but do we really stop to learn it..to move on past the quick, 'hey-how-are-you-have-a-good-day's...sure we can't involve ourselves in everyones' lives, but why simply call our 'friends' by name, we should take their hand, and invest something more than the usual bit...'love is a many splendid thing'..so why cut short something so splendid...as my friend emphasized, 'today is a gift'...but why should we hunker down in some corner with this gift, wouldn't breaking free of that give us just a little more than we expected...Father, teach me to dance around You...forgive me for the marks I've left so carelessly...

..I stop somewhere waiting for you...

'failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged, missing me at one place search another, I stop somewhere waiting for you..' - walt whitman

long after the final scene of a kiss has faded from my mind, I know it will flicker back to that feeling..the one that sends tingles down my spine...whether provoked by an old romance flick such as "Pride and Prejudice" or simply by a glance held a few seconds longer than necessary...sigh I feel a bit silly typing this out, but whether my psychology notes were laid out to study or not, I think my thoughts would have been off in some other place...and so I write this now to sort myself out...I miss being romanced...true, because of a lack of a guy in my life I have been able to fall deeply in love with Jesus, and I would not trade that for the sincerest romance...but I must admit, I miss it...someone desiring my time, my friendship, my opinion, even just my presence...although I feel I have grown up alot since falling for Jesus...now I want a man who will challenge me to fall more deeply in love with Christ and at the same time show evidence that Christ is his 1st love...I want someone who will challenge me to step outside of myself and yet pull me back in when I most need it..someone who will put God before all that I want and who will push me to do the same...I could go on, but it feels a bit intimate to share on a blog....and plus mainly, the desire for Christ surpasses all other mentioned things...I'm not implying that I need anyone at this moment in time...sometimes it's just pleasant to daydream...rather girly of me, I suppose...all the same, whoever God has in store for me, I trust His timing is always better than mine....:grins:

..in a thousand years..

..'but I'm sure to have your love in a thousand years, yes I'm sure to have your love in a thousand years'... (-erich skelton)

..now I know this line was taken from a love song, and attributed to a person but people are temporary and as beautiful as the thought is, I'd much rather hear this from God..in fact, I feel lately like He's wooing me, with a love that is beautiful and strong and lasting...through 1000 years even...I can't imagine experiencing this love with anyone else, and I take joy in that fact, that God alone will take me aside to places that only He and I can share...love is patient...my friend gave me such a rewarding experience of patience the other night that brought my thoughts back to God in awe...we went snowboarding and no matter how many times I biffed it (fell), I'd look back up the hill and he was just sitting there, watching, and encouraging me...(I'm sure he was probably laughing a bit too) :grins:..but it felt so good to have someone want to teach me something and not give up on me...that's exactly how God treats us...sometimes the obstacles seem new/huge/scary but God will keep on helping us through it, and I find it amazingly comforting knowing that...its like I'm embarking on this adventure of who God is...and I'm completely blown away...

I gotta clearify, I am not a strong person and I find it odd that people think that sometimes...it's only because I am so messed up that God gives me all these cool revelations and thoughts...I found this verse today that kinda summed that up:
'..He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.- 2 Corinthians 12:9

invisible

ever feel like you're on fire with passion for something you really know nothing about and while you're slotting away your thoughts, your emotions are making a mad dash to bounce off walls, surging upward and outward til they have jolted every practical effort to gather your mindset. that's how God blows my mind--creating moments that I want to soak in all night and yet let everything happen at once...to love life as it is--no extra recipe to make it ideal. unpredictable. like a child's endless games of makebelieve and whether I feel invisible or not behind shut eyes I know that I am safe.

--something I had to write because my mouth was so flooded with grins that I couldn't quite hold back..sometimes God just takes you on a wild fling, right out of the blue....and I really admire that about Him...He doesn't settle for greeting us just in church, or bible setting, or on a Jesus-high...it's all about meeting us where we're at, from moseying his way into our daydreams or showing up on roadtrips....'I hate the world today, but I love the life You've given me'.-Starfield ...yea this world has its backaches and along with its aimless crooning, it gets a bit flippant...but this life God has given us...wow....I mean how can we hold back from Him...why in the heck do we get distracted and follow our own fickle games--when He can empty us and fill us up at the same time?...Christians...man we're messed up...but God is good eh...

'The steps of a man are established bythe LORD, and He delights in his way. When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong, because the LORD is the one who holds his hand."--Psalm 37:23-24
need I say more? No. because God's got it covered....what an amazing guy...