I feel like shit. excuse my use of terms but there is a bitterness welling up inside of me right now and I thought that word might quell it but no. I feel so hard inside---like part of my heart has rusted over and I've just let it go to waste. it was easier at first---when I first walked away from God at the beginning of the summer. easy to shove Him out of my mind to make room for my own empty thoughts. we had come to a crossroads, that's the gist of it and He was asking me to obey Him and I tried---believe me, I did, but I got so sick of failing over and over like we Christians are used to and decided that I was sick of messing up and feeling vulnerable so I walked away. from Him and from all His principles and desires. blew them off for my own and where did it leave me---playing a role. probably the easiest one to play for a girl who's grown up in a church bubble, Christian schools, the whole dang essence of it all. throw in a few prayers for people here and there, play it all up like nothing's wrong..
and all along my heart is starting to harden. never experienced this before, at least not directed at God. sure I've blown up at Him before, blamed Him, cursed Him, but hardening myself against Him is an entirely different feeling. you start looking at life and other Christians through this veil. stuff they say about God, about His relevance and characteristics. it's like you're eavesdropping almost because while you're hearing it, your heart is closed to it and the thought keeps crossing my mind--'you actually believe that?'and then without emotion I think 'I used to believe that'. it's quite sad really reading this to myself. but quite true and I needed desperately to spit it out somewhere or I feel it will consume me because noone knows how low I've fallen, evidently not even me. after writing this--it's plain as day..this is no life to live.
I've been waiting around for school to start because for the first time this summer I got a taste of life without being spiritually fed. no christian camp to work at, no consistent bible study, church has lost appeal, and that crossroads I came to had a big sign that said 'without all this spiritual nourishing, will you choose Christ on your own?' to which my head replied yes, my heart replied maybe, and my actions replied no. so there you go---it's not that I've been hit with trials, huge traumas, but a question of integrity I suppose---Will I choose Christ over myself? most important question that defines Christianity and I have screwed myself over royally in choosing no.
there's a me that I know from what feels like forever ago but was only last year--a girl who was close to God's heart, who kept fellowship with other people, prayed for her boyfriend's heart and could actually see God working in her and those around her. that self seems so unobtainable from where I stand. and yet the part of me that is unhardened is the part that loves my fiance, and it is through my love for him that recently I have seen how much we need God--to strengthen our relationship. I want to build him up as a brother in Christ before I build him up as my fiance, and I can't possibly do that when I'm floundering around in the dark, wallowing in everything I've chosen over God.
I'm going to get hit hard on Monday I think, body slammed by God hopefully. and I do admit, I'm hopeful for a change. my tone has even changed througout this blog, started off so hard and bitter and I needed to express that because it is very real and not just a mood or emotion I've grabbed hold of to shock you. Satan just asked me to delight in shocking you but for once I think I'll resist. I signed up for a Christian life and discipleship class this semester because I knew I wouldn't get the benefit of chapel because I'm not there tuesday or wednesday mornings and now I'm hoping God will use that class to break me down. seriously, break me down because I feel like stone sometimes and this is not me--this is a twisted, perverted me that Satan has composed to do his work. and I've been so faithful to him this summer--it makes me sick.
why I am acting so helpless. God has equipped me with strength my whole life to fight battles--why did I give Him up so easily?? you can't tell me. I need you Jesus--to renovate me, please turn me inside out completely, I want to know you again. I read this verse at church this one sunday when God broke through the wall I had prepared for that sermon--it said:
"And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him, if indeed you continue in the faith, stable and steadfast, not shifting from the hope of the gospel that you heard." Col 1:21-23. That part about shifting from the hope---it hit me so hard I had completely forgotten the gospel, not in my head but by abandoning it in my heart..It was not just God I had let go, but Jesus's whole story and purpose. I had to be steadfast--I knew it, I had been wavering back and forth for so long. God kept breaking into what I had locked up and I couldn't--didn't want to hold him back. All this time I have been fighting God because of fears that I'll be exposed to Him and yet why am I afraid---if I can fight off God, what's stopping me from fighting Satan with God on my side.
I relent. HE IS THE TRUTH----THERE IS NOTHING OR NOONE GREATER THAN CHRIST ALONE. IN HIM I WILL STAND AND BE RECONCILED. FATHER FORGIVE ME. I SURRENDER ALL THIS HURT AND ANGER AND BITTERNESS AND FEAR--I WANT TO CHOOSE CHRIST OVER MYSELF. PLEASE JESUS, HELP ME SURROUND MYSELF WITH YOU AND YOU ABOVE ALL ELSE. I AM NOTHING, FATHER. "THEREFORE AS YOU RECEIVED CHRIST JESUS THE LORD SO WALK IN HIM, ROOTED AND BUILT UP IN HIM AND ESTABLISHED IN THE FAITH, JUST AS YOUR WERE TAUGHT, ABOUNDING IN THANKSGIVINGS." Col. 2:6-7. You will not understand that verse until you have lost it for a while and God gives the knowledge back to you as a gift. I receive it Father. thankyou.
and all along my heart is starting to harden. never experienced this before, at least not directed at God. sure I've blown up at Him before, blamed Him, cursed Him, but hardening myself against Him is an entirely different feeling. you start looking at life and other Christians through this veil. stuff they say about God, about His relevance and characteristics. it's like you're eavesdropping almost because while you're hearing it, your heart is closed to it and the thought keeps crossing my mind--'you actually believe that?'and then without emotion I think 'I used to believe that'. it's quite sad really reading this to myself. but quite true and I needed desperately to spit it out somewhere or I feel it will consume me because noone knows how low I've fallen, evidently not even me. after writing this--it's plain as day..this is no life to live.
I've been waiting around for school to start because for the first time this summer I got a taste of life without being spiritually fed. no christian camp to work at, no consistent bible study, church has lost appeal, and that crossroads I came to had a big sign that said 'without all this spiritual nourishing, will you choose Christ on your own?' to which my head replied yes, my heart replied maybe, and my actions replied no. so there you go---it's not that I've been hit with trials, huge traumas, but a question of integrity I suppose---Will I choose Christ over myself? most important question that defines Christianity and I have screwed myself over royally in choosing no.
there's a me that I know from what feels like forever ago but was only last year--a girl who was close to God's heart, who kept fellowship with other people, prayed for her boyfriend's heart and could actually see God working in her and those around her. that self seems so unobtainable from where I stand. and yet the part of me that is unhardened is the part that loves my fiance, and it is through my love for him that recently I have seen how much we need God--to strengthen our relationship. I want to build him up as a brother in Christ before I build him up as my fiance, and I can't possibly do that when I'm floundering around in the dark, wallowing in everything I've chosen over God.
I'm going to get hit hard on Monday I think, body slammed by God hopefully. and I do admit, I'm hopeful for a change. my tone has even changed througout this blog, started off so hard and bitter and I needed to express that because it is very real and not just a mood or emotion I've grabbed hold of to shock you. Satan just asked me to delight in shocking you but for once I think I'll resist. I signed up for a Christian life and discipleship class this semester because I knew I wouldn't get the benefit of chapel because I'm not there tuesday or wednesday mornings and now I'm hoping God will use that class to break me down. seriously, break me down because I feel like stone sometimes and this is not me--this is a twisted, perverted me that Satan has composed to do his work. and I've been so faithful to him this summer--it makes me sick.
why I am acting so helpless. God has equipped me with strength my whole life to fight battles--why did I give Him up so easily?? you can't tell me. I need you Jesus--to renovate me, please turn me inside out completely, I want to know you again. I read this verse at church this one sunday when God broke through the wall I had prepared for that sermon--it said:
"And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him, if indeed you continue in the faith, stable and steadfast, not shifting from the hope of the gospel that you heard." Col 1:21-23. That part about shifting from the hope---it hit me so hard I had completely forgotten the gospel, not in my head but by abandoning it in my heart..It was not just God I had let go, but Jesus's whole story and purpose. I had to be steadfast--I knew it, I had been wavering back and forth for so long. God kept breaking into what I had locked up and I couldn't--didn't want to hold him back. All this time I have been fighting God because of fears that I'll be exposed to Him and yet why am I afraid---if I can fight off God, what's stopping me from fighting Satan with God on my side.
I relent. HE IS THE TRUTH----THERE IS NOTHING OR NOONE GREATER THAN CHRIST ALONE. IN HIM I WILL STAND AND BE RECONCILED. FATHER FORGIVE ME. I SURRENDER ALL THIS HURT AND ANGER AND BITTERNESS AND FEAR--I WANT TO CHOOSE CHRIST OVER MYSELF. PLEASE JESUS, HELP ME SURROUND MYSELF WITH YOU AND YOU ABOVE ALL ELSE. I AM NOTHING, FATHER. "THEREFORE AS YOU RECEIVED CHRIST JESUS THE LORD SO WALK IN HIM, ROOTED AND BUILT UP IN HIM AND ESTABLISHED IN THE FAITH, JUST AS YOUR WERE TAUGHT, ABOUNDING IN THANKSGIVINGS." Col. 2:6-7. You will not understand that verse until you have lost it for a while and God gives the knowledge back to you as a gift. I receive it Father. thankyou.
