Hollow

At the moment I feel hollow. Like someone's carved out my insides, my emotions, my feelings and left me with this numbish rawness. I also feel sick, but that is probably due more to the flood of tears that hit me last night, leaving me headachy and exhausted. I really would just like to hide away somewhere, bury myself under somebody else's covers, secretly, not my own because I'd be found there. What do you do when you find yourself questioning a big piece of your life that's about to change forever? I feel like the rug of security that I wasn't even aware that I was sitting on, has been pulled out from under my feet and left me feeling shaky and sick. I realized last night that it's not a good idea to pretend that people can't let you down, can't make you hurt. Heartache is weird--it's all in my mind, well it feels like it but it becomes so quickly such a visible pain, it throws me for a loop.

I also realized, I can't live without God. He is the only unchanging thing in my life. I don't like change, I don't like the feeling of being uprooted, and I'll go on an adventure if I know I have the same stability to come home to. I'm not independent, my fears always seem to get the best of me---unless, I am first and foremost, God's. If He is the one I choose to worship, then part of that means I have to give Him control . . . Isaiah 30:15 "In repentence and rest you will be saved, quietness and trust is your strength." Well let me tell you, I have been gripping that verse so tightly the past few months. Learning to give God control is a continual repetitive process. I also have realized that without God at the core of my heart, I become a very bitter and angry person. Sad to say, swearing becomes a problem, and I put up solid walls all around me, and stop trusting. That is why I NEED God---why I can't live without Him. I love the Lord. He is my rock. I was listening to that song, "In Christ alone I stand" and I feel like it hits home, on so many levels.

I am so scared of the future, and of putting my heart out on the line, of desires that threaten things I hold great value to, of losing time, and yet I know that I HAVE TO TRUST GOD. He loves me, he sees where this journey I'm on is going, and I have to trust that. Fully. "For God has not given me a spirit of fear... but of a sound mind. . . " I forget the rest, but I know that God does not desire me to live in fear of the future, I also don't want to focus on it so much that I miss out on the beauty of the present. God I trust that you have given me desires to do counselling and possibly art therapy. I also trust that you have given Jay desires to fly, and to work with planes. Therefore, in bringing us together, you must have a plan for the two of us. Help me to not doubt you, Father.

"The steps of a man are established by the Lord, He delights in his way. If he stumbles, he will not be hurled headlong, because the Lord is the one who holds his hand." -Psalm

Isaiah 26:3: "You, O Lord, give a perfect peace, to those who hope and put their trust in You."

O God, pull me close to you in this time of uncertainty.