allow me to captivate you

there is something about being on stage in the midst of all my butterflies, shaky hands, and quavering vocals that I love. maybe not so much the nervousness, but what accompanies it. something about knowing that all those times of pretending the edge of my bed was a stage and my voice ringing out soundly within those secure four walls--however good it has sounded to me in those moments cannot compare to the realness of being in front of people and choosing to spill out your lyrics over a microphone. it is a beautiful quiet that greets me once I step up to the mic, a quiet that I know I have to fill with words of meaning. it is not enough to play a pretty melody--but rather, the power of speaking to those that are actually listening is a provoking thought is far more precious. I always see the nervousness as something that hinders, hinders me from passing the song into their hands the way that it should be, as perfect as I feel it should sound. but I'm beginning to think that I prefer the nervousness that comes with it--in any case it makes me more real. when I finish the performance, it is not with a flourish, a grand finale, usually it is with relief that my time being critiqued is over with. what grips me about the experience is the joy that lingers in my mind at being able to share these words, of not holding back simply because of my fears, and hoping that the words will go on to trigger more ideas, more appreciation for music, more desires to give the world something through words to hope for. more than debating, more than discussing, I see music as a testimony, a vulnerable one at that, of all that God has built in me and all that He has yet to do. I pray for the opportunity to realize this over and over again. in allowing me to captivate you with my songs, I pray God will captivate you with the heart behind it, this heart of mine that is in love with Him.

tribute to the happy little hedgehog

I am in the midst of musical genius. There is nothing better than music improv--the notes are not held captive to any verse or line of lyrics--there are no flaws because everything is newly born--it had no previous pedestal to contend with. It revives you because you are following your own breaths, free to relax into the music where time exists without borders. There is no reason to stop and when it finally has ended the air fills up with words that are hollow because they lack the life that music bestows. I am flooded with the beauty of what has been created here and now. To witness this is almost as grand as creating it because I feel as if the self that I am in this musical state has been changed and moulded in some small way. Another thing that compells me to write is the act of worship I have glimpsed when those whom God has gifted have refused to only taste potential but to own it and that, my friends, is what this life is about--what worship is about when one no longer sees humanity because humanity has limits, but is able to sit back and see the higher glory behind it that is timeless and faithfully real.

wedding dress magic

Noone was home but me. I went to the closet and took out the dress and put it on. I can not really describe the fullness of those few moments that I wore it--how beautiful and delicate I felt...I'm not the type of girl who considers herself a princess or has ever wanted to be referred to as a princess, but I confess that dress made me feel like I had stepped out of a fairytale of some sorts...Standing in the middle of my parents' bedroom, the long room-length mirror in front of me, I saw a vulnerability in myself, a desire to feel beautiful...and I did...I can't wait to walk down the aisle, hopefully a petal-scattered one, concealed behind my veil, with the words that I wrote for Jay playing in the background. I can't wait for him to lift back the veil and see all the joy and pure excitement reflected in my eyes...I can't wait to be his wife...I can't wait for the look on his face, and the quick breath he will take at the sight of his wife walking to meet him...When I took the dress off and put on my normal clothes, I felt like the colour in the room had slightly faded and things were normal again, like all the magic had trickled out of my reflection...I can't wait to try on my wedding dress again and again until the day I get to wear it with purpose.