twisted

I hate being messed with. And I say it in this language because I am at the highest point of anger right now. One that will take me to its heights in the heat of my fury and spiral down afterward into a dark familiar depression. so to counter that and to counter any distractions I might offer myself as a temporary high, I am writing my thoughts out.

I hate the aftermath when God uses you in such a powerful way that you feel His love pouring through you and out onto someone's heart. I hate the way Satan slams you with his hardest deception after all this beauty has built up inside in such a way that it has exhausted you. and in the exhausted aftermath Satan covets the tiredness that has pooled at your feet and muddies it with difficult emotions that covert into anger. I was Jesus to someone today and yet tonight my words were twisted vile things that I purposely flung out fervently to match the anger I felt. I was so excited to share the amazing experience of God with my husband and when he was delayed in getting home suddenly I felt the victim & saw him as the perpetrator. or traitor is more like it. his friends became people I tell to f*** off and it is his beloved heart that I dug my claws into trying to be heard in my frustrations.

of course when frustrations are aimed at you from behind a cloud of fog you become startled and are quick to catch the ones that fall short and give them a new direction. but i warn all men when a woman calls angry and hurt do NOT play the innocent or coward because by then she has you convicted, found guilty, and just needs you to listen to your list of offenses. it does not matter that later on this whole argument will mean nothing you HAVE to listen & take it for what it is--a discharge of tired anger fired at you because you are the most loved and closest to her troubled heart.

before I get off on a tangent I will say that I know myself and I knew when I got home that Satan would use my emotions to make me angry and say things I will regret and that I declared exactly what would happen to my cousin, asked for prayer, and then went inside and immediately felt angry and frustrated. argh, I hate Satan's power to twist things. I hate it so much. so there's my vent. and after I have calmed down I will get back on and write about the beautiful way God used this shameful, bad-mouthed mess-of-a-woman this morning.