triggered

there have been an assortment of ideas flitting through my head since I woke up this morning with a terribly sad feeling, the kind that pulls such a heavy weight behind it that it compells one to feel a bit sick too at the very thought...the sad feeling was triggered by a horrible nightmare I experienced last night..I've been trying to figure out why the nightmare was introduced to me in the first place and the following conclusion is what I've come up with: seems that Satan's biggest weapons in this case to me are fear+lies..old fears from past failures, past struggles come back to haunt me sometimes, and that's when I'm tackled with lies..lies that defend the fears and heap the blame on myself..lies that twist the way I see the past with the reality of it...both lies+fear can't seem to stand when things are going swell for me, and it's at that point that they begin to rear their ugly heads, taunting me with their riducules..
..I suppose its in dreams/nightmares that our inner fears are so easily released..in this particular nightmare, I experienced the horror of catching my boyfriend cheating on me with some girl...at first they played ignorant to my accusations and then began to justify their 'innocence'...doubts began to spring up about my worth, if I was good enough for him, and in comparison to 'her' --what did I have to offer?...the first time I woke up from this horrible dream I just lay in bed for a bit trying to soak it all in...I drifted off to sleep again to find myself asking them "why?" but my analyzations and questions did me no justice and when I woke up again the sick feeling was still there...
..the irony of this nightmare is that it has happened to me, with my first boyfriend, Brandon, and although the circumstances and the people were different, they followed the defense of ignorance to justifying also...let me say, however, that there has been nothing in my relationship with Jay that he has done to trigger such a nightmare...in fact he's offered more security for me than any other relationship I've known...I suppose Satan finds this affection disgusting and therefore is using my old fears against me in this case, as I stated earlier...it sickens me think that Satan can twist our thoughts in such an extreme way...I don't know what hand Satan has in dreams/nightmares, but I know that God does not use our sins against us. ever. and so I conclude with the knowledge that God has the best in mind for us and I simply have to give this up to Him, in asking Him to protect me from the falsity of last night...I trust that my relationship with Jay will last as long as God wills and I have to to trust...its about a faith that remains dependent through the rough moments...I think the more you begin to care about someone, the more the fears of losing them begin to appear...I can't grant that nightmares will be solved, but I can put my hope in God's strength, versus my own...

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way." Psalm 139:23-24

"If I take the wings of dawn, if I dwell in the remotest part of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, and Your right hand will lay hold of me. If I say, "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, and the light around me will be night, even the darkness is not dark to You, and the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You." Psalm 139:9-12

the golden pass

although there have been a jumble of thoughts staking their claims on my list of priorities, it seems one is always bound to escape from the pushing and shoving, strutting its way up to my brain, waving its bright golden pass for me to let it out..I swear it's like a mosh pit in there sometimes, these thoughts, man, they're tough, will take a few punches just to be heard..and I can see the shape of this particular thought in my mind, but the details have not become quite clear yet and so as I proceed to write, I hope the image with become more focused..on a side note, someone's offered me a free darkroom so that's a pleasent thought..oh sorry, mr-golden-pass's image is shaking his fist, evidently he requires all the attention...if I could make out his face I'm sure brows would be pinched together, and perhaps nostrils flaring..alright then I'd better get on with it... he's holding up a flashcard that says "friends"....
..friends..I think we slot too many people into that category nowadays..and with each new addition to our life we lose a little bit of intimacy..you can't have intimacy with every friend..friends are supposed to be there when one is down, an available hug or shoulder to lean on..while I was in south carolina I began to realize which were my dependable friends, which acquaintances had slid under the roped-off friend area, and I don't mean to blame the acquaintances, I suppose we must blame ourselves in that matter, for labeling people before they're actually proven a friend...there were friends who knew I was in town but didn't follow that up, and a bit of what we once had, or what I assumed we'd had, slipped away...and then there were my best friends, girls that slid a bit of fun into each day I was there, welcomed my boyfriend, approved of him, and stuck around long enough to get to know him...
..it's strange, because in south carolina I had a bunch of one-on-one friends, no one specific group and it was interesting bringing them all together to visit the zoo, and other slotted experiences that had to be planned on the trip...here in uxbridge, I find it amusing, I suppose, the difference..here my friends are all one big group of friends, that have meshed lives together and thousands of memories to hold on to and laugh about...they welcomed me with open arms and I can't thank God enough for that..but it's still hard, the contrast...finding a closeness in a midst of this crowd...the girls are closer to me than the boys, and I think I like it that way..good girlfriends are always needed...and my past friendships with boys were always skewed in one way or another....and though I don't limit my friendship opportunities I find that I"m hoping some really strong friendships will spring up...closest girlfriend I have is caitlin wood..amazing gal...
...I hope God really begins to define real friendships for me here, and doesn't just let me take what I can..there are some precious people here, and in south carolina...it's about taking a few risks and investing...God keep me accountable...
..there the thought has left the building, stumbled a few times in his delivery speech but I think he is quite satisfied with the final result...I think I am too...