the golden pass

although there have been a jumble of thoughts staking their claims on my list of priorities, it seems one is always bound to escape from the pushing and shoving, strutting its way up to my brain, waving its bright golden pass for me to let it out..I swear it's like a mosh pit in there sometimes, these thoughts, man, they're tough, will take a few punches just to be heard..and I can see the shape of this particular thought in my mind, but the details have not become quite clear yet and so as I proceed to write, I hope the image with become more focused..on a side note, someone's offered me a free darkroom so that's a pleasent thought..oh sorry, mr-golden-pass's image is shaking his fist, evidently he requires all the attention...if I could make out his face I'm sure brows would be pinched together, and perhaps nostrils flaring..alright then I'd better get on with it... he's holding up a flashcard that says "friends"....
..friends..I think we slot too many people into that category nowadays..and with each new addition to our life we lose a little bit of intimacy..you can't have intimacy with every friend..friends are supposed to be there when one is down, an available hug or shoulder to lean on..while I was in south carolina I began to realize which were my dependable friends, which acquaintances had slid under the roped-off friend area, and I don't mean to blame the acquaintances, I suppose we must blame ourselves in that matter, for labeling people before they're actually proven a friend...there were friends who knew I was in town but didn't follow that up, and a bit of what we once had, or what I assumed we'd had, slipped away...and then there were my best friends, girls that slid a bit of fun into each day I was there, welcomed my boyfriend, approved of him, and stuck around long enough to get to know him...
..it's strange, because in south carolina I had a bunch of one-on-one friends, no one specific group and it was interesting bringing them all together to visit the zoo, and other slotted experiences that had to be planned on the trip...here in uxbridge, I find it amusing, I suppose, the difference..here my friends are all one big group of friends, that have meshed lives together and thousands of memories to hold on to and laugh about...they welcomed me with open arms and I can't thank God enough for that..but it's still hard, the contrast...finding a closeness in a midst of this crowd...the girls are closer to me than the boys, and I think I like it that way..good girlfriends are always needed...and my past friendships with boys were always skewed in one way or another....and though I don't limit my friendship opportunities I find that I"m hoping some really strong friendships will spring up...closest girlfriend I have is caitlin wood..amazing gal...
...I hope God really begins to define real friendships for me here, and doesn't just let me take what I can..there are some precious people here, and in south carolina...it's about taking a few risks and investing...God keep me accountable...
..there the thought has left the building, stumbled a few times in his delivery speech but I think he is quite satisfied with the final result...I think I am too...