a new woman

it feels strange to lose one's last name and take ownership of a new name..the taking ownership part is made easier by the fact that everyone around you hands you that new identity on a platter--eager to celebrate your new identity as a married woman...but below the surface one may glimpse the frayed remains of a tug-o-war...intitially, the idea of taking the name Doner startled me because it felt as long the last British part of me was being stolen...the name Whitaker draws me to the roots of England--seducing me with its rich history and memories it chooses to associate with..the name Doner does not open those doors for me..rather it is as if I am looking through someone else's window at a series of stories that are not in any way tied to my own...at least that is somewhat of the feelings that came before marriage...

but now..now that I am married, I sense the beautiful realization that I am both a new and old woman..a new threshold has been constructed in the form of two rings, and I have chosen to rightfully step over it and embrace what is now mine..it is not always a beautifully balanced embrace--sometimes I find myself struggling to hold onto who I am in light of my family and who I am in this newly-found family..which traditions I choose to hold onto--which parts of me that only my mother knows that I will reveal to my new family...

there is a security in one's family--whether the closeness is present or not, the knowledge that one has been there in all the experiences and whether we were standing side-by-side in those experiences or at opposite ends, we were there together...and that is a lasting connection that brings a glorious weight to the name Whitaker and makes it so difficult to let go of.

but new thresholds offer new friendships and I cannot walk away from that knowing deep down I desire it...Jay is the bond between these two worlds that secures me like an anchor because he took the first step out of his world---it was not me in changing my name, but in his pursual of me, he gave his own name a new lens to look through..one that is eager to join hands and hearts with a new love...a solid love..
and as many were able to see the solidity echoed throughout our wedding day, so shall they see it in the years to come...in the days that a Whitaker woman knows herself for who she is at heart, and wills her husband to do the same.