uncomfortable with my own limitations

I got the opportunity to visit a place/organization in Toronto known as L'Arche. It is a collection of group homes run for people with disabilities. I work for cbm (an organization that provides aid to disabled people in developing countries). Cbm HR decided we needed to get out there and experience the joy of meeting people with disabilities so that we understand the core reason for why cbm is run....

To preface this--my aunt Hilary is very involved in a group at her church of people with 'disabilities' and is always saying how full of life they are and how she loves that they are so genuine and open to who you are as a person. there is no sense of status with people with developmental disabilities--it doesn't matter who you are as long as you have community with them.

Personally I have never felt comfortable around people with developmental disabilities and I attribute this purely to the gap of the unfamiliar and my own selfish tendencies to stick with what I know..I will elaborate more on this in a moment.

When we got to L'Arche we had the opportunity to watch a couple videos showing the stories of 2 of the core group members. As I watched I got this sense of --this is a world I would like to live it--where beauty is so evident in people and the power of living out of your vulnerability and loving others out of your vulnerability is so rare. Our world is so wrapped around self-consciousness and the idea that we have to live up to others' expectations that we are drowning. We are so chained to our perceptions of what is appropriate as far as social norms go and what is normal--we study how to look like everyone else but how to rise above others. how to fit in but how to give ourselves statuses. And all these thoughts came just from the videos before we even met the people.

At 7pm we went upstairs to the community worship--a chance for people from all types of faiths and walks of life to come together and celebrate and bless each other simply with our presence. tonight we celebrated in Jewish fashion the new year. I can't remember the terms but that was the essence of it. We sang hauntingly beautiful songs about God and shared bread and apples and honey together. At one point people got up and danced and it didn't matter whether they were in a wheel chair or whatever --they had the freedom to get up and celebrate--no self conscious inhibitions to hold them back. i watched them and thought to myself of the awkwardness I would feel to put myself out there like that and I was envious of their beautiful freedom.

To elaborate on my limitations that I mentioned earlier...I found myself sitting next to a lovely petite woman named Ellen. She was in her 30's and had twisted in her chair towards me the whole time and was moving her hands around alot. I felt so trapped by my lack of knowledge of her--how to tap into what she liked, what she meant when she touched her finger to her cheek, what she was feeling---all this I craved to tap into and I found myself drawn by this desire to really know her. at the same time I was conflicted by feeling uneasy--my social norm tells me to catch someone's eye and smile and talk to them and i found it difficult that she would not hold eye contact. i felt my smile was forced and I saw instantly that I was the 'disabled' one unable to just talk to someone freely without focusing on the physical...what to say? I had no idea and felt so uncomfortable at my lack of knowledge. this thought made me realize why people don't invest in people with 'disabilities' . its because we are confronted so drastically with our own shallow tendencies and limitations that we often let that pass to the "dedicated individuals who have found their passion helping people". ..

but this is the key thing..the stirring in my heart that made me want to not just accept my limitations but challenged me to look for other places to meet wonderful people like this and tap into their giftings, their joys---this stirring I believe is evidence of Christ in me...Jesus was drawn to the blind, the lame, the poor, the widow---He had a real joy reaching into people's hearts and celebrating in them. And I want that. I truly do.