never thought they'd actually go through with it...I've caught glimpses of the reality of it, throughout the day...hints here and there, a few passed notes and though I managed to snag one, upon opening it I found only scribbles..
it seems my sanity has run off with my brain. I suppose you could see it from my sanity's point of view. after watching my brain slug its way painfully through exam after exam, it just couldn't take it anymore..somewhere in between the 'historical occasion of Galatians' and the 'literary nature of Revelation', the scaffold fell, crumpling my thoughts up with it, slicing off any extra room in my brain for notes to fit.
and so I sit here, in a bottomless pit of a library with only an elope story to spill out on the keyboard..with my brain gone it's quite peaceful and yet my sanity's absence is making me a bit delusional I think. time can pass by quite reasonably without much effort and I am quite happy to float along with it, having studied for the past 7 hours with no real breaks.
yay freedom has come in the form of my boyfriend to kidnap me.peace.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Sunday, November 26, 2006
locked
stories:
-once at a christian youth centre I went to the bathroom while there was a concert and when I locked the door, the door knob fell off in my hand..meanwhile the concert had ended and they were just beginning the 'talk' and i wasn't about to start yelling in front of all those kids that I was locked in the bathroom...with some frantic whispers to my friend outside the door and a desperate effort to shove the doorknob back on, it opened. Thankyou Father.
-my sister got locked in the bathroom today for like 20mns..yelling and whining that the room was getting hotter and hotter...my dad finally freed her.darn.
THE END
[when inspired I shall write some more stories]
-once at a christian youth centre I went to the bathroom while there was a concert and when I locked the door, the door knob fell off in my hand..meanwhile the concert had ended and they were just beginning the 'talk' and i wasn't about to start yelling in front of all those kids that I was locked in the bathroom...with some frantic whispers to my friend outside the door and a desperate effort to shove the doorknob back on, it opened. Thankyou Father.
-my sister got locked in the bathroom today for like 20mns..yelling and whining that the room was getting hotter and hotter...my dad finally freed her.darn.
THE END
[when inspired I shall write some more stories]
Monday, November 06, 2006
Saturday, November 04, 2006
my tribute to those I miss
in a missing mood....I miss...
..Emily Jones--all our good talks, picking up wherever we left off--girl I have been praying for you..
..Catherine Treme--Cat, you have no idea how much I miss just being able to call you you up and hang out and have a blast--good friends aren't always so accessible--can you please come up here and bring some good tunes so we can rock out!
..my fav spot on Thetis Island--this tree that resided in a particular cove, its branches curved around like two arms and I would climb up there to sit, feeling like God Himself was wrapping His arms around me
..Heather, Karin, and Lexi: girls I miss our talks, our pranks, our dance parties, our adventures--still blown away everytime I think about how God worked in us as sisters that amazing year..I miss sleeping on the dock and freezing our butts off, sneaking out to boys' cabins and stealing shoes and the look on their faces that next morning..the 'pen' dance...singing 'wade in the water' with laundry baskets on our heads..man I'm gonna write a whole other blog on chbc stuff that I miss I think--there's so much...
..Jess--my mentor, friend, sister in Christ--man you really really spoke so incredibly into my life all throughout high school and after..my goal is to be as good and as strong a leader for someone as you were for me
..warm South Carolinian weather...I hate the cold...don't think I'll ever cherish it.
..Folly Beach--sitting on the boardwalk playing guitar, walking along that gorgeous stretch of ocean and sky, dophins, surfing/boogieboarding..
..Janie--remember that time we were too young to sign for ourselves for surfing so that kayaker did it..ha that was the best..man I really miss your energy/craziness, good times.
..England--gorgeous countryside, farmhouse chock full of memories that pull me in no matter how old I am..
..concerts at NBT--man I miss DSB shows especially, rocking out, everyone singing/yelling the words, ppl jumping off stage, the lights, the crowd...it was a rush..
..pushing my sister in a barrel down a hill in the Village.
..Caitlin Wood--you were my first good girlfriend here and I still don't think you realize how much of a treasure your friendship has been to me...
..Jen --let's go back to the poo-tree.more photo shoots need to be done.
..bonfires at Dan Huizengas with everyone home and voices mixed with guitars, and the fire just enough to push the cold back from our circle
..driving that car of ryan's thru the woods at night, no doors, swinging around like a crazy bunch of lunatics.
..rd tripping with the boy I love
..rd tripping with Hannah and Laura--water guns, silly string, lais, flat tire, that adventure had the works
..throwing water balloons over a hedge at people on the island
..playing guitar in a smoky firelit setting with four boys, a harmonica, some banned oysters, stolen bread, and some poetry readings..
..climbing up thru shadows that split giant trees in half with their display and moss covered rocks that looked like buildings in the forest..a little rope to guide us up to a view that was better than anything I've ever seen before--mnts, ocean, man I miss Malibu..
..Jay when he's away at school..
..toilet papering ppl's houses in the dark and squealing away like the true night bandits we were..
..I could go on, and on and on, cuz life is so grand, but I must cut it short or else I will never stop...but I needed to get this out cuz I was in a missing mood.
..Emily Jones--all our good talks, picking up wherever we left off--girl I have been praying for you..
..Catherine Treme--Cat, you have no idea how much I miss just being able to call you you up and hang out and have a blast--good friends aren't always so accessible--can you please come up here and bring some good tunes so we can rock out!
..my fav spot on Thetis Island--this tree that resided in a particular cove, its branches curved around like two arms and I would climb up there to sit, feeling like God Himself was wrapping His arms around me
..Heather, Karin, and Lexi: girls I miss our talks, our pranks, our dance parties, our adventures--still blown away everytime I think about how God worked in us as sisters that amazing year..I miss sleeping on the dock and freezing our butts off, sneaking out to boys' cabins and stealing shoes and the look on their faces that next morning..the 'pen' dance...singing 'wade in the water' with laundry baskets on our heads..man I'm gonna write a whole other blog on chbc stuff that I miss I think--there's so much...
..Jess--my mentor, friend, sister in Christ--man you really really spoke so incredibly into my life all throughout high school and after..my goal is to be as good and as strong a leader for someone as you were for me
..warm South Carolinian weather...I hate the cold...don't think I'll ever cherish it.
..Folly Beach--sitting on the boardwalk playing guitar, walking along that gorgeous stretch of ocean and sky, dophins, surfing/boogieboarding..
..Janie--remember that time we were too young to sign for ourselves for surfing so that kayaker did it..ha that was the best..man I really miss your energy/craziness, good times.
..England--gorgeous countryside, farmhouse chock full of memories that pull me in no matter how old I am..
..concerts at NBT--man I miss DSB shows especially, rocking out, everyone singing/yelling the words, ppl jumping off stage, the lights, the crowd...it was a rush..
..pushing my sister in a barrel down a hill in the Village.
..Caitlin Wood--you were my first good girlfriend here and I still don't think you realize how much of a treasure your friendship has been to me...
..Jen --let's go back to the poo-tree.more photo shoots need to be done.
..bonfires at Dan Huizengas with everyone home and voices mixed with guitars, and the fire just enough to push the cold back from our circle
..driving that car of ryan's thru the woods at night, no doors, swinging around like a crazy bunch of lunatics.
..rd tripping with the boy I love
..rd tripping with Hannah and Laura--water guns, silly string, lais, flat tire, that adventure had the works
..throwing water balloons over a hedge at people on the island
..playing guitar in a smoky firelit setting with four boys, a harmonica, some banned oysters, stolen bread, and some poetry readings..
..climbing up thru shadows that split giant trees in half with their display and moss covered rocks that looked like buildings in the forest..a little rope to guide us up to a view that was better than anything I've ever seen before--mnts, ocean, man I miss Malibu..
..Jay when he's away at school..
..toilet papering ppl's houses in the dark and squealing away like the true night bandits we were..
..I could go on, and on and on, cuz life is so grand, but I must cut it short or else I will never stop...but I needed to get this out cuz I was in a missing mood.
stringing my bow
I could write a really classic emo song right about now..lately it seems like people have been slinging really hurtful arrows at each other...nitty-gritty stuff too, not even stuff that's big enough to cause a ripple, and yet people latch onto tiny comments and string their bows and fire away, no thought to the consequences...why are humans so desparate to be right? such a trivial thing to let a conversation go without getting the last word and yet we hold on to the fight, until its stretched past even the point of recognization...
...how does love hold on so strongly through it all?...how does God bear it? I bet if we were to picture our words as arrows God would be matted with scars...how does He stand us?? with our fickle foundations..one minute we are singing praises in church and embracing Him, the next we have bruised someone so badly it takes a week to recover...God I'm crying out to You right now for peace! Father give us peace! Give us shields, instructions, push us Father to accept the challenge of living a life solely dependant on You...give us dreams Jesus to consistently love...I pray this in the name of Jesus Christ.
Amen.
...how does love hold on so strongly through it all?...how does God bear it? I bet if we were to picture our words as arrows God would be matted with scars...how does He stand us?? with our fickle foundations..one minute we are singing praises in church and embracing Him, the next we have bruised someone so badly it takes a week to recover...God I'm crying out to You right now for peace! Father give us peace! Give us shields, instructions, push us Father to accept the challenge of living a life solely dependant on You...give us dreams Jesus to consistently love...I pray this in the name of Jesus Christ.
Amen.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
laughter is the shortest distance between two people
if you feel compelled to read a work of hilarity, by all means go to my other blog:
www.slipmeagrinortwo.blogspot.com
read "laughter is the shortest distance between two people".
aw man last night was incredible..
www.slipmeagrinortwo.blogspot.com
read "laughter is the shortest distance between two people".
aw man last night was incredible..
Sunday, October 22, 2006
src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/2844/2090/320/flight%232.jpg" border="0" alt="" />Friday, September 22, 2006
God truly does great things...
"What do you think of the name Tommy's? my dad asked. "Ha," I laughed, "it sounds like a seafood place--are you kidding?"
How could I have known God's amazing plan back then--not in my craziest dreams could I have foreseen the blessings that would stem from the creation of Tommy's; blessings that molded and shaped my life and those around me. Tommy's Interactive is a church that my dad started in Columbia, SC. It is still going on and while most of the original people have left, there are a few crazy followers that have stuck around to invest their lives in this beautiful operation, inviting many more new faces to the picture of what Tommy's is about. The name "Tommy's" comes from Thomas, one of Jesus's disciples. Now, Thomas liked to ask Jesus alot of questions and although some of the disciples may have questioned him for this, I think secretly in their minds alot of them were thinking, "Man, I was wondering that too." Thomas is also known of doubting that Jesus had come back until Jesus did indeed reveal Himself with the marks on his hands from the nails. So what can you take from a guy like Thomas? Doubt and questions? Indeed, Tommy's goal was to be a church where people could voice exactly that---and it did, and people found that it was different. Sure, we had our flaws--I mean hey- we were encouraging doubt and questions--but because God was the foundation, we took stuff right to Him, right to His scriptures....it was beautiful.
My dad encountered quite a few churches that didn't want the kind of people we had in our church--misfits I guess you could say--and other churches refused to help, and would you believe--my dad had more support and encouragement from non-Christians than Christians...shows you something...we are all prone to human-like notions and ideals and behaviours and it's quite suprisingly sad sometimes...but God forgives and He chose to influence Tommy's with the most unlikely people...and it worked...take our family for example, a family of 6, trying to get our green card in a country we've lived in for 12 yrs--not wanting to abandon our british citizenship for american we danced around the outskirts of that but alas, our green card was rejected and every thing my parents did was bittered by all the loopholes they had to jump through as non-citizens...and God wants us to begin and continue a church?! God's reasoning is insane I think but as the same time I suppose it's logical in His realm because He sees the big picture...and so we stayed in the states on a visa and other technicalities and God made it possible...looking back on Tommy's I realize I don't know too many of the stories in there, but the stories that took place within God's church setting rippled off of everyone who took notice...and God was in all, and through all...
at one or two points I realize I may have bragged on Tommy's to other people because the setting itself felt cool. For example: One building we got for free in downtown Columbia and we took one look at the 80's-style colors slashed across the walls, and painted the whole thing black. We made traffic lights out of old computer modems and set them up for the stage. We took a computer and put a light in it and a glass top over it and made funky tables. Concerts were held in that building and who cared if it got messed up--the whole thing was gonna be torn down in 6 months (why do you think we got it for free). Half of it was already torn up--something us photography-lovers found rewardingly fascinating.
Another building we stayed in for a while used to be a hole in the ground--was transformed into an underground Christian cafe (Jammin Java)--the space was long and people were sprawled on couches and behind tables across this artsy setting and it felt safe and sweet.
One time we held church at 11ish in a "Rising High" Cafe...the sweetest part of that building was the basement (we had planned to eventually use in the future)....it was huge and the acoustic were sweet and I couldn't help belting out a few notes whenever I was down there alone...the back part of it was torn up with trashed bathrooms and smashed toilets and ---man I'm getting off topic--haha see how it still gets me going...
But after listing all the cool places, I think back to settings like a top floor of a building and an old health gym room and when I can't find anything 'cool' to talk about that transfers me to to the people of Tommy's....man they're all amazing...
I suppose a few posh churches were skeptical of our church cuz we had such a strange mix..hahah, there was our family, with my parent sporting the accent and us kids trying to pretend it was still in us; random people from all areas and ages of life; a bunch of people sporting crazy tatooes/piercings/and crazy hairstyles (in some cases, smelly hairstyles-haha)....but man, when you get down to it, it's not about how we or those settings came across, it's the reason God brought us all together, into that setting....honestly though I knew pretty much everyone in the church, I only really knew specific individuals---haha I was young, a teenager, and usually rushing off after church to random social gatherings...but within the church man, we got to experience so much of God's love.. because of the different backgrounds, we'd all seen God's love in different ways, in different community settings and it was like a giant meltingpot of God's love...can't get much better than that!
Some fantastic people spoke into my life there: Wendy, our 33 yr old dj who gave me her guitar to learn on and would take me ice skating every sat night--man we had a blast. it was usually us and a bunch of random college couples on those late sweet cold night; Sharon and Jeanette who invited me in to this hospital to share in doing a bible study with a bunch of roughed up girls who felt no love in store for them--and because of Sharon and Jeanette's consistence and love, felt like they could open up a bit of them to even a pastor's kid like me...man I remember so clearly talking about Jesus's life with one of those girls..she'd never heard it before and I had never shared it like that before...man God's hand was on that bible study; Luke was one of the original guys in our church to do worship stuff (He's off in Iraq now I believe) and he took me in onto the worship team with no previous experience, just a love for God's worship songs; there were a whole community of people who were at Tommy's who'd arrived, homeless, churchless, we'd seen them change from broken individuals to ones who were embracing God through marriages, through births, and baptisms. I had the amazing opportunity to be baptized by my dad under a bridge in a river that was cold and muddy and, according to those who were watching, also being visited by a snake that was perched on a branch pretty close to me......but man, it was a huge blessing to be surrounded by a church that meant so much to me, by my dad who I love so much, friends and family that supported me and those other people to be baptized that day, and our amazing and loving God who brought it all together overseeing it all...Thankyou Father for that chapter in my life.. it was a huge long chapter...some parts were painful and confusing...some extrordinary...on a whole looking back, God's power is even more evident in the plan that unfolded during our time there...I pray for Tommy's as it is still going on; I pray for those involved and their hearts for God that they would "trust in the Lord with all their heart and lean not on their own understanding" (I can't remember that reference but it's been ringing in my head lately).....God bless Tommy's and those in it....God truly does great things...
How could I have known God's amazing plan back then--not in my craziest dreams could I have foreseen the blessings that would stem from the creation of Tommy's; blessings that molded and shaped my life and those around me. Tommy's Interactive is a church that my dad started in Columbia, SC. It is still going on and while most of the original people have left, there are a few crazy followers that have stuck around to invest their lives in this beautiful operation, inviting many more new faces to the picture of what Tommy's is about. The name "Tommy's" comes from Thomas, one of Jesus's disciples. Now, Thomas liked to ask Jesus alot of questions and although some of the disciples may have questioned him for this, I think secretly in their minds alot of them were thinking, "Man, I was wondering that too." Thomas is also known of doubting that Jesus had come back until Jesus did indeed reveal Himself with the marks on his hands from the nails. So what can you take from a guy like Thomas? Doubt and questions? Indeed, Tommy's goal was to be a church where people could voice exactly that---and it did, and people found that it was different. Sure, we had our flaws--I mean hey- we were encouraging doubt and questions--but because God was the foundation, we took stuff right to Him, right to His scriptures....it was beautiful.
My dad encountered quite a few churches that didn't want the kind of people we had in our church--misfits I guess you could say--and other churches refused to help, and would you believe--my dad had more support and encouragement from non-Christians than Christians...shows you something...we are all prone to human-like notions and ideals and behaviours and it's quite suprisingly sad sometimes...but God forgives and He chose to influence Tommy's with the most unlikely people...and it worked...take our family for example, a family of 6, trying to get our green card in a country we've lived in for 12 yrs--not wanting to abandon our british citizenship for american we danced around the outskirts of that but alas, our green card was rejected and every thing my parents did was bittered by all the loopholes they had to jump through as non-citizens...and God wants us to begin and continue a church?! God's reasoning is insane I think but as the same time I suppose it's logical in His realm because He sees the big picture...and so we stayed in the states on a visa and other technicalities and God made it possible...looking back on Tommy's I realize I don't know too many of the stories in there, but the stories that took place within God's church setting rippled off of everyone who took notice...and God was in all, and through all...
at one or two points I realize I may have bragged on Tommy's to other people because the setting itself felt cool. For example: One building we got for free in downtown Columbia and we took one look at the 80's-style colors slashed across the walls, and painted the whole thing black. We made traffic lights out of old computer modems and set them up for the stage. We took a computer and put a light in it and a glass top over it and made funky tables. Concerts were held in that building and who cared if it got messed up--the whole thing was gonna be torn down in 6 months (why do you think we got it for free). Half of it was already torn up--something us photography-lovers found rewardingly fascinating.
Another building we stayed in for a while used to be a hole in the ground--was transformed into an underground Christian cafe (Jammin Java)--the space was long and people were sprawled on couches and behind tables across this artsy setting and it felt safe and sweet.
One time we held church at 11ish in a "Rising High" Cafe...the sweetest part of that building was the basement (we had planned to eventually use in the future)....it was huge and the acoustic were sweet and I couldn't help belting out a few notes whenever I was down there alone...the back part of it was torn up with trashed bathrooms and smashed toilets and ---man I'm getting off topic--haha see how it still gets me going...
But after listing all the cool places, I think back to settings like a top floor of a building and an old health gym room and when I can't find anything 'cool' to talk about that transfers me to to the people of Tommy's....man they're all amazing...
I suppose a few posh churches were skeptical of our church cuz we had such a strange mix..hahah, there was our family, with my parent sporting the accent and us kids trying to pretend it was still in us; random people from all areas and ages of life; a bunch of people sporting crazy tatooes/piercings/and crazy hairstyles (in some cases, smelly hairstyles-haha)....but man, when you get down to it, it's not about how we or those settings came across, it's the reason God brought us all together, into that setting....honestly though I knew pretty much everyone in the church, I only really knew specific individuals---haha I was young, a teenager, and usually rushing off after church to random social gatherings...but within the church man, we got to experience so much of God's love.. because of the different backgrounds, we'd all seen God's love in different ways, in different community settings and it was like a giant meltingpot of God's love...can't get much better than that!
Some fantastic people spoke into my life there: Wendy, our 33 yr old dj who gave me her guitar to learn on and would take me ice skating every sat night--man we had a blast. it was usually us and a bunch of random college couples on those late sweet cold night; Sharon and Jeanette who invited me in to this hospital to share in doing a bible study with a bunch of roughed up girls who felt no love in store for them--and because of Sharon and Jeanette's consistence and love, felt like they could open up a bit of them to even a pastor's kid like me...man I remember so clearly talking about Jesus's life with one of those girls..she'd never heard it before and I had never shared it like that before...man God's hand was on that bible study; Luke was one of the original guys in our church to do worship stuff (He's off in Iraq now I believe) and he took me in onto the worship team with no previous experience, just a love for God's worship songs; there were a whole community of people who were at Tommy's who'd arrived, homeless, churchless, we'd seen them change from broken individuals to ones who were embracing God through marriages, through births, and baptisms. I had the amazing opportunity to be baptized by my dad under a bridge in a river that was cold and muddy and, according to those who were watching, also being visited by a snake that was perched on a branch pretty close to me......but man, it was a huge blessing to be surrounded by a church that meant so much to me, by my dad who I love so much, friends and family that supported me and those other people to be baptized that day, and our amazing and loving God who brought it all together overseeing it all...Thankyou Father for that chapter in my life.. it was a huge long chapter...some parts were painful and confusing...some extrordinary...on a whole looking back, God's power is even more evident in the plan that unfolded during our time there...I pray for Tommy's as it is still going on; I pray for those involved and their hearts for God that they would "trust in the Lord with all their heart and lean not on their own understanding" (I can't remember that reference but it's been ringing in my head lately).....God bless Tommy's and those in it....God truly does great things...
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
tucked away
I think my fav place to sit in tyndale is tucked away behind one of the giant curtains that drape the cafeteria windowsils...it's interesting how a piece of fabric can give one such a sense of privacy...and I suppose I may look a bit silly to anyone who notices--two mismatched socks sticking out from behind a giant leaf-patterned curtain, but I'm willing to sacrific silliness for comfort to be quite honest...I luv curling up with a good book in a windowseat--my Grandma and Pa Bill have a big one in their old farmhouse in England and the window looks out into my Grandma's garden..sigh I love it...and the room that the windowseat's in, usuallly is sporting a nice toasty fire....man I love fireplaces...they make room's seem much friendly in winter and people just a bit more cuddly and blankets just a little more inviting...sigh...I guess that's one good thing about winter...cuddling in front of a fireplace...and snow is pretty--I can't deny that...but the cold---ughh...it's funny the difference between my past 2 new years. 2005 I was at a concert dressed as a rock star, and the day after I was at the beach with a coconut and my best friend, sipping sparkling apple juice out of a tall green bottle. 2006 I was on a video scavenger hunt and then at 3ish in the morning I found myself tobogganing on a small slope with some friends and some cherry cigars....who knows what will happen this year...eager for a suprise...I suprised my boyfriend with a movie the other day, got all his close friends in as actors--it was amazing...discovered later on that day that I have a hidden passion for driving a bashed up car at full speed thru the woods at night, and pulling 360's in random fields...sigh...see now I'm cravin it...man it was exhilarating...wanna know a secret: I keep telling everyone I hate snowboarding but a tiny tiny part of me wants to learn more...cept I don't like letting ppl or myself down when I suck at stuff..but who knows...winter may find me secretly trudging up hills to bomb my way down until I get good enough to show someone...either that or I'll just resign myself to another scrapbooking rampage--those are fun...I got quite a bit accomplished this summer...memories--sigh...I love recording em...k I suppose I should end this random shpeel of thoughts...altho I quite enjoyed it...I'll be doing this again sometime...:grins:
Monday, August 28, 2006
sustain me Father
due to a amazingly beautiful conversation that I just had with my friend Heather, my heart is wielding revelations that need to be said....it was one of those conversations where God enters into discussion and suddenly with every response, a new and fantastic thought is uncovered about His inscrutable love leaving your mind all breathless and energized at the same time..
we talked about man's love on its own (separate from God's pure love) and whether it can withstand anything...I was reading a book called "Searching for God knows what" by Donald Miller and he discusses the fall of mankind and its effect on our sense of love...basically, before the fall, Adam and Eve were as intimately close to God as possible--their hearts were right out on the front lines before God and viceversa...after the fall however, the break of that intimacy came from their betrayal and with that tear in the relationship, there was room for fears and doubts and insecurities to crawl in....
when I have those seemingly rare and beautiful moments where my eyes hold noone's gaze but Jesus's, I feel right...no right as in right or wrong but right as in this is how it is meant to be...sooner or later that moment is broken into by my weak flesh but it is in those times that I feel fully sustained---in no need of anyone else's love to approve me or validate me...because God' s love is so pure that it does not draw our eyes to ourselves but to Him and in all His glory, how can we feel insecurity when all His essence reflects security...
Heather and I were asking ourselves if we can feel satisfied on this earth when in close contact with Jesus as such....I personally feel that even when glorifying God on this earth, He never asks us to be fully satisfied...I'll try to explain my earlier thought process..there's a verse that came to mind from the Bible, encouraging us to 'long for the pure milk of the Word, so that by it we may grow in respect to salvation' 1Peter 2:2........comparing us to newborn babies and the thought occured to me from this that milk is made to sustain us and sustain suddenly took on a new strength in my mind because we are encouraged to grow and what is growth really but something that is consistently occuring...satisfaction implies that we have reached an goal, an end of some sort that we were striving for...to be sustained implies to me that God desires us to keep learning about Him, keep growing in His knowledge, keep on loving Him through the rough times and the good and there is no ultimate satisfaction in this and that is OK....
I imagine that in coming from Heaven and all it's perfect beauty, Jesus did not feel complete on earth or satisfied until He completed His Father's work and returned to Heaven...I don't presume to have a full theological understanding of Jesus's time on earth, but from glimpses here and there that the Bible gives us I feel that to be sustained, (or provided for as my Bible termed it in the Concordance) is the closest and most intimate level that God can give us...I believe in Heaven, we will feel satisfaction unlike anything we've ever known and I can not wait for that day but I think on this earth, in this time, here, today, God wants to sustain us in our growth as we move towards Him over and over and over...
when I examine my own relationship with Jay or even with friends, I see a love that binds us as strong as we know...but on its own, this love can be breached by fears and worries and doubts that will continually attack our relationships borders....but when I move this relationship to a different setting in my mind, where both of our hearts and eyes and seeking to be fixated on Jesus, I see a hope for a love that is stronger than what we hold---when filtered through God's knowledge of how a relationship should be, it is a love purely of Jesus that can sustain our relationship here on earth...when I think about this picture in my mind, of these relationships with my family and friends and especially with Jay that I treasure the most right now being threaded to a relationship with a God of love---that picture is where I find security, sustination and a true sense of being provided for...God bless...
we talked about man's love on its own (separate from God's pure love) and whether it can withstand anything...I was reading a book called "Searching for God knows what" by Donald Miller and he discusses the fall of mankind and its effect on our sense of love...basically, before the fall, Adam and Eve were as intimately close to God as possible--their hearts were right out on the front lines before God and viceversa...after the fall however, the break of that intimacy came from their betrayal and with that tear in the relationship, there was room for fears and doubts and insecurities to crawl in....
when I have those seemingly rare and beautiful moments where my eyes hold noone's gaze but Jesus's, I feel right...no right as in right or wrong but right as in this is how it is meant to be...sooner or later that moment is broken into by my weak flesh but it is in those times that I feel fully sustained---in no need of anyone else's love to approve me or validate me...because God' s love is so pure that it does not draw our eyes to ourselves but to Him and in all His glory, how can we feel insecurity when all His essence reflects security...
Heather and I were asking ourselves if we can feel satisfied on this earth when in close contact with Jesus as such....I personally feel that even when glorifying God on this earth, He never asks us to be fully satisfied...I'll try to explain my earlier thought process..there's a verse that came to mind from the Bible, encouraging us to 'long for the pure milk of the Word, so that by it we may grow in respect to salvation' 1Peter 2:2........comparing us to newborn babies and the thought occured to me from this that milk is made to sustain us and sustain suddenly took on a new strength in my mind because we are encouraged to grow and what is growth really but something that is consistently occuring...satisfaction implies that we have reached an goal, an end of some sort that we were striving for...to be sustained implies to me that God desires us to keep learning about Him, keep growing in His knowledge, keep on loving Him through the rough times and the good and there is no ultimate satisfaction in this and that is OK....
I imagine that in coming from Heaven and all it's perfect beauty, Jesus did not feel complete on earth or satisfied until He completed His Father's work and returned to Heaven...I don't presume to have a full theological understanding of Jesus's time on earth, but from glimpses here and there that the Bible gives us I feel that to be sustained, (or provided for as my Bible termed it in the Concordance) is the closest and most intimate level that God can give us...I believe in Heaven, we will feel satisfaction unlike anything we've ever known and I can not wait for that day but I think on this earth, in this time, here, today, God wants to sustain us in our growth as we move towards Him over and over and over...
when I examine my own relationship with Jay or even with friends, I see a love that binds us as strong as we know...but on its own, this love can be breached by fears and worries and doubts that will continually attack our relationships borders....but when I move this relationship to a different setting in my mind, where both of our hearts and eyes and seeking to be fixated on Jesus, I see a hope for a love that is stronger than what we hold---when filtered through God's knowledge of how a relationship should be, it is a love purely of Jesus that can sustain our relationship here on earth...when I think about this picture in my mind, of these relationships with my family and friends and especially with Jay that I treasure the most right now being threaded to a relationship with a God of love---that picture is where I find security, sustination and a true sense of being provided for...God bless...
Sunday, July 30, 2006
flood
I caught a glimpse of what people in New Orleans must have felt like as they watched their belongings washed away, and later were forced to pick up those pieces...it was a very small glimpse of that but it was a burden all the same...my basement flooded due to a huge thunderstorm and because my family is waiting to move, alot of our boxes were stored down there...my face crumpled throughout the process of mopping up the water because with each infected, watery box, some family treasures had been soaked...perhaps it seems silly to mourn books, but I have a great love of them, especially our children's books from england--I dunno, they pull me back to times of reading with my parents, and to see them soaked and sticky with water tugged at my tears...while wiping off several old photos of my parents, a piece of me felt like it was being torn but I was numb and I couldnt' feel it and it occured to me that it was the same sort of feeling I would expect to feel one day when my parents weren't around any more...the idea startled me and I felt quite peturbed at the sense of it, but at the same time I felt numb to the emotion it would entangle...
thanks to mr. huizenga, he and I finished mopping up the basement in a much quicker time than I would have been able to accomplish on my own...I think, had I been forced to face it on my own, I might have cried throughout the process...but with his aid and the busyness of moving boxes I numbed my way through the experience and it was only when we got back to the concert at the huizengas and cait and jen sidled up to give me a hug, that the numbness took its leave...a few tears and explanations did the trick and I was able to cast the memory aside for the rest of the night...
I think, in hindsight, only a few things were messed up..it's interesting, what experiences pull at our emotions, sometimes teaching us a few things about others' experiences, like the concept of a real flood...I think as a kid I always pictured a flood like a big wave pool in the house, but now its sunk in as entailing so much more...sigh...the things we learn
thanks to mr. huizenga, he and I finished mopping up the basement in a much quicker time than I would have been able to accomplish on my own...I think, had I been forced to face it on my own, I might have cried throughout the process...but with his aid and the busyness of moving boxes I numbed my way through the experience and it was only when we got back to the concert at the huizengas and cait and jen sidled up to give me a hug, that the numbness took its leave...a few tears and explanations did the trick and I was able to cast the memory aside for the rest of the night...
I think, in hindsight, only a few things were messed up..it's interesting, what experiences pull at our emotions, sometimes teaching us a few things about others' experiences, like the concept of a real flood...I think as a kid I always pictured a flood like a big wave pool in the house, but now its sunk in as entailing so much more...sigh...the things we learn
open invitation
my friends captivate me...a strong word: captivating; but I believe it holds true for last night's event...it was an open invitation to be entranced by a string of delightful people who chose to simply 'be'...let me explain..picture an old scarred barn, that from the outside would seem like any other barn were it not for the skateboard ramps that invited one up to a door that occasionally was slung open; light spilling its way out with the strains of music and laughter.....
inside, both the stage and the seats were more skateboard ramps, and people were sprawled all over the lower ramps, tucked into corners of rafters, legs dangling freely off higher ramps...so there we all were, occasional dancers would jump up to spin and twirl with the melodies, cheers erupted at the sight and giggles slipped their way into the dance's texture...each musician that greeted the stage, tackled the ramp with their own speed in hopes of reaching the top to grant the audience the songs they expected...dawna truly captivated us with a new song of hers and I found myself with an equal invitation to be spellbound at her words...
due to a flooded basement I missed the majority of the magic...but the magic remained til the very end, holding us all on the hard sloped floors til the last melody had sailed off with the song "darker blue lines" by the wedding party, a perfect ending to find oneself on her feet, swaying to the particular song....the night itself was thrilling....contributing my music to this faithfully attentive crowd drilled nerves into my voice, but the desire to add my own thread to this artwork overwhelmed that, and it was a beautiful night to sing....indeed, it twas a beautiful night to sing...thankyou...
inside, both the stage and the seats were more skateboard ramps, and people were sprawled all over the lower ramps, tucked into corners of rafters, legs dangling freely off higher ramps...so there we all were, occasional dancers would jump up to spin and twirl with the melodies, cheers erupted at the sight and giggles slipped their way into the dance's texture...each musician that greeted the stage, tackled the ramp with their own speed in hopes of reaching the top to grant the audience the songs they expected...dawna truly captivated us with a new song of hers and I found myself with an equal invitation to be spellbound at her words...
due to a flooded basement I missed the majority of the magic...but the magic remained til the very end, holding us all on the hard sloped floors til the last melody had sailed off with the song "darker blue lines" by the wedding party, a perfect ending to find oneself on her feet, swaying to the particular song....the night itself was thrilling....contributing my music to this faithfully attentive crowd drilled nerves into my voice, but the desire to add my own thread to this artwork overwhelmed that, and it was a beautiful night to sing....indeed, it twas a beautiful night to sing...thankyou...
Saturday, July 01, 2006
wink ;)
it's been entirely too long of a stretch since I last blogged...usually it's an escape from the clutter in my head, a chance to get something out that needs to be spilled...and it's not like I haven't thought about things lately but nothing's really pulled me towards the keyboard...so I'm blogging merely for the sake of blogging and I suppose I'll just write w/e comes to mind..
The 3 beans diagram from Winking Circle has stuck with me, especially the concept of being a fool....I think lots of times I'm afraid to step out and be a fool, minus the occasional blonde moments and it was quite refreshing last night to find myself surrounded by my colourful friends, unashamedly sporting their wigs/crazy eyes/and cruising around on their insanely decorated art bikes...I like the idea of being weird to live in the moment and doing w/e really crosses your mind such as dancing on street corners...after leaving the group Jay attempted a few times to pull me into swing-dancing mode and for all of my desire to just let go, there was something about the city and all its people that made me hold back...a fear to look just a little bit silly maybe...but why? the city is amazingly packed with faces and while it's so easy to fear reactions from them, is it really that likely that you will ever see them after that passing silly moment? prolly not and yet my self-conscious nature would not let my goofiness break out...sigh...it's really not as hard as I'm making it out to be is it? I want to redeem every part of my day....I won't ever have a July 1st, 2006 Saturday again---I can't just let it skim by...so from here on...I will do w/e I feel compelled to....and right now I feel compelled tooooooo............uhh......get offline....and so it begins
The 3 beans diagram from Winking Circle has stuck with me, especially the concept of being a fool....I think lots of times I'm afraid to step out and be a fool, minus the occasional blonde moments and it was quite refreshing last night to find myself surrounded by my colourful friends, unashamedly sporting their wigs/crazy eyes/and cruising around on their insanely decorated art bikes...I like the idea of being weird to live in the moment and doing w/e really crosses your mind such as dancing on street corners...after leaving the group Jay attempted a few times to pull me into swing-dancing mode and for all of my desire to just let go, there was something about the city and all its people that made me hold back...a fear to look just a little bit silly maybe...but why? the city is amazingly packed with faces and while it's so easy to fear reactions from them, is it really that likely that you will ever see them after that passing silly moment? prolly not and yet my self-conscious nature would not let my goofiness break out...sigh...it's really not as hard as I'm making it out to be is it? I want to redeem every part of my day....I won't ever have a July 1st, 2006 Saturday again---I can't just let it skim by...so from here on...I will do w/e I feel compelled to....and right now I feel compelled tooooooo............uhh......get offline....and so it begins
Monday, June 12, 2006
triggered
there have been an assortment of ideas flitting through my head since I woke up this morning with a terribly sad feeling, the kind that pulls such a heavy weight behind it that it compells one to feel a bit sick too at the very thought...the sad feeling was triggered by a horrible nightmare I experienced last night..I've been trying to figure out why the nightmare was introduced to me in the first place and the following conclusion is what I've come up with: seems that Satan's biggest weapons in this case to me are fear+lies..old fears from past failures, past struggles come back to haunt me sometimes, and that's when I'm tackled with lies..lies that defend the fears and heap the blame on myself..lies that twist the way I see the past with the reality of it...both lies+fear can't seem to stand when things are going swell for me, and it's at that point that they begin to rear their ugly heads, taunting me with their riducules..
..I suppose its in dreams/nightmares that our inner fears are so easily released..in this particular nightmare, I experienced the horror of catching my boyfriend cheating on me with some girl...at first they played ignorant to my accusations and then began to justify their 'innocence'...doubts began to spring up about my worth, if I was good enough for him, and in comparison to 'her' --what did I have to offer?...the first time I woke up from this horrible dream I just lay in bed for a bit trying to soak it all in...I drifted off to sleep again to find myself asking them "why?" but my analyzations and questions did me no justice and when I woke up again the sick feeling was still there...
..the irony of this nightmare is that it has happened to me, with my first boyfriend, Brandon, and although the circumstances and the people were different, they followed the defense of ignorance to justifying also...let me say, however, that there has been nothing in my relationship with Jay that he has done to trigger such a nightmare...in fact he's offered more security for me than any other relationship I've known...I suppose Satan finds this affection disgusting and therefore is using my old fears against me in this case, as I stated earlier...it sickens me think that Satan can twist our thoughts in such an extreme way...I don't know what hand Satan has in dreams/nightmares, but I know that God does not use our sins against us. ever. and so I conclude with the knowledge that God has the best in mind for us and I simply have to give this up to Him, in asking Him to protect me from the falsity of last night...I trust that my relationship with Jay will last as long as God wills and I have to to trust...its about a faith that remains dependent through the rough moments...I think the more you begin to care about someone, the more the fears of losing them begin to appear...I can't grant that nightmares will be solved, but I can put my hope in God's strength, versus my own...
"Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way." Psalm 139:23-24
"If I take the wings of dawn, if I dwell in the remotest part of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, and Your right hand will lay hold of me. If I say, "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, and the light around me will be night, even the darkness is not dark to You, and the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You." Psalm 139:9-12
..I suppose its in dreams/nightmares that our inner fears are so easily released..in this particular nightmare, I experienced the horror of catching my boyfriend cheating on me with some girl...at first they played ignorant to my accusations and then began to justify their 'innocence'...doubts began to spring up about my worth, if I was good enough for him, and in comparison to 'her' --what did I have to offer?...the first time I woke up from this horrible dream I just lay in bed for a bit trying to soak it all in...I drifted off to sleep again to find myself asking them "why?" but my analyzations and questions did me no justice and when I woke up again the sick feeling was still there...
..the irony of this nightmare is that it has happened to me, with my first boyfriend, Brandon, and although the circumstances and the people were different, they followed the defense of ignorance to justifying also...let me say, however, that there has been nothing in my relationship with Jay that he has done to trigger such a nightmare...in fact he's offered more security for me than any other relationship I've known...I suppose Satan finds this affection disgusting and therefore is using my old fears against me in this case, as I stated earlier...it sickens me think that Satan can twist our thoughts in such an extreme way...I don't know what hand Satan has in dreams/nightmares, but I know that God does not use our sins against us. ever. and so I conclude with the knowledge that God has the best in mind for us and I simply have to give this up to Him, in asking Him to protect me from the falsity of last night...I trust that my relationship with Jay will last as long as God wills and I have to to trust...its about a faith that remains dependent through the rough moments...I think the more you begin to care about someone, the more the fears of losing them begin to appear...I can't grant that nightmares will be solved, but I can put my hope in God's strength, versus my own...
"Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way." Psalm 139:23-24
"If I take the wings of dawn, if I dwell in the remotest part of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, and Your right hand will lay hold of me. If I say, "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, and the light around me will be night, even the darkness is not dark to You, and the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You." Psalm 139:9-12
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
the golden pass
although there have been a jumble of thoughts staking their claims on my list of priorities, it seems one is always bound to escape from the pushing and shoving, strutting its way up to my brain, waving its bright golden pass for me to let it out..I swear it's like a mosh pit in there sometimes, these thoughts, man, they're tough, will take a few punches just to be heard..and I can see the shape of this particular thought in my mind, but the details have not become quite clear yet and so as I proceed to write, I hope the image with become more focused..on a side note, someone's offered me a free darkroom so that's a pleasent thought..oh sorry, mr-golden-pass's image is shaking his fist, evidently he requires all the attention...if I could make out his face I'm sure brows would be pinched together, and perhaps nostrils flaring..alright then I'd better get on with it... he's holding up a flashcard that says "friends"....
..friends..I think we slot too many people into that category nowadays..and with each new addition to our life we lose a little bit of intimacy..you can't have intimacy with every friend..friends are supposed to be there when one is down, an available hug or shoulder to lean on..while I was in south carolina I began to realize which were my dependable friends, which acquaintances had slid under the roped-off friend area, and I don't mean to blame the acquaintances, I suppose we must blame ourselves in that matter, for labeling people before they're actually proven a friend...there were friends who knew I was in town but didn't follow that up, and a bit of what we once had, or what I assumed we'd had, slipped away...and then there were my best friends, girls that slid a bit of fun into each day I was there, welcomed my boyfriend, approved of him, and stuck around long enough to get to know him...
..it's strange, because in south carolina I had a bunch of one-on-one friends, no one specific group and it was interesting bringing them all together to visit the zoo, and other slotted experiences that had to be planned on the trip...here in uxbridge, I find it amusing, I suppose, the difference..here my friends are all one big group of friends, that have meshed lives together and thousands of memories to hold on to and laugh about...they welcomed me with open arms and I can't thank God enough for that..but it's still hard, the contrast...finding a closeness in a midst of this crowd...the girls are closer to me than the boys, and I think I like it that way..good girlfriends are always needed...and my past friendships with boys were always skewed in one way or another....and though I don't limit my friendship opportunities I find that I"m hoping some really strong friendships will spring up...closest girlfriend I have is caitlin wood..amazing gal...
...I hope God really begins to define real friendships for me here, and doesn't just let me take what I can..there are some precious people here, and in south carolina...it's about taking a few risks and investing...God keep me accountable...
..there the thought has left the building, stumbled a few times in his delivery speech but I think he is quite satisfied with the final result...I think I am too...
..friends..I think we slot too many people into that category nowadays..and with each new addition to our life we lose a little bit of intimacy..you can't have intimacy with every friend..friends are supposed to be there when one is down, an available hug or shoulder to lean on..while I was in south carolina I began to realize which were my dependable friends, which acquaintances had slid under the roped-off friend area, and I don't mean to blame the acquaintances, I suppose we must blame ourselves in that matter, for labeling people before they're actually proven a friend...there were friends who knew I was in town but didn't follow that up, and a bit of what we once had, or what I assumed we'd had, slipped away...and then there were my best friends, girls that slid a bit of fun into each day I was there, welcomed my boyfriend, approved of him, and stuck around long enough to get to know him...
..it's strange, because in south carolina I had a bunch of one-on-one friends, no one specific group and it was interesting bringing them all together to visit the zoo, and other slotted experiences that had to be planned on the trip...here in uxbridge, I find it amusing, I suppose, the difference..here my friends are all one big group of friends, that have meshed lives together and thousands of memories to hold on to and laugh about...they welcomed me with open arms and I can't thank God enough for that..but it's still hard, the contrast...finding a closeness in a midst of this crowd...the girls are closer to me than the boys, and I think I like it that way..good girlfriends are always needed...and my past friendships with boys were always skewed in one way or another....and though I don't limit my friendship opportunities I find that I"m hoping some really strong friendships will spring up...closest girlfriend I have is caitlin wood..amazing gal...
...I hope God really begins to define real friendships for me here, and doesn't just let me take what I can..there are some precious people here, and in south carolina...it's about taking a few risks and investing...God keep me accountable...
..there the thought has left the building, stumbled a few times in his delivery speech but I think he is quite satisfied with the final result...I think I am too...
Monday, May 22, 2006
I luv this kid...my bro's the best
there's something that grabs me about my little brother....coolest kid I know by far...sweet temperment, just lookin' for people to look up to, and boy did he find one today...perhaps it was the invitation to the treefort, or the sweet drum beat lessons that caught Jordan's attention..prolly both...I was sitting up in "The Room" (music jam area) at Jay's parents' house, watching his older bro, Ben, lead Jordan through a series of beats...my bro's face was dancing back and forth from one of fixated concentration as he counted out the beats, to slips of frustration that appeared with each miscalculated tap...his face would screw up at his mistake and apologies kept spilling out to which Ben would chuckle in response and say, "it's ok, keep going.." found myself fascinated at Jordan's determination to get it perfect, this first time, anything to impress his audience of two...no doubt Ben was amused by the innocent show of expression that kept popping up in Jordan's toothy smile...at the end of our visit, Jordan emerged from the house, loaded up with dirtbike magazines..haha...he's hooked...poor kid arrived home feeling carsick from having his eyes glued to the mags during the drive...ha I luv it...It struck me how much I was impressed by Ben's gentle attitude towards my bro...this poor kid stuck with 3 olders sisters, goodness knows he needs some good male role models...and Ben seemed to slide into that role perfectly today...(so Ben if you read this thanks)...
..for all you big bros out there, man don't brush off that kid that looks up to you...the tiniest bit of time you invest means a buttload of admiration...nothing worth resisting cuz of the priorities you think you have...bros come first...no doubt about it...and boys need big guys to step in and help mold...man...groovy...my bro's the best..and he doesn't even know it..:grins:
..for all you big bros out there, man don't brush off that kid that looks up to you...the tiniest bit of time you invest means a buttload of admiration...nothing worth resisting cuz of the priorities you think you have...bros come first...no doubt about it...and boys need big guys to step in and help mold...man...groovy...my bro's the best..and he doesn't even know it..:grins:
Thursday, May 18, 2006
locked in the past (prt 1)
locked in the past..that's where my childhood is...sure I can unlock memories to it, spill a few stories here and there, but it's still locked...sure I can act like a kid, but those actions don't make me a kid again...someday I hope to have a kid or two, but though a sliver of me will be there, it won't be me really...today I was reflecting on what I miss about being a kid...so here goes:
--boys and girls didn't date..they had huge pinecone wars...we got the treefort, the boys got the forest floor
--an old blue water barrel = a mini-pool, a toy to walk about on (and fall off of), an endless entertainment to put people (usually a little sister) in, and push down a hill
--treasure hunts with smarties and babybel cheeses created by my dad
--crawling into my dad's lap for some good ole narnia stories
--the jokes I told always seem hilarious
--hanging on stubbornly to my dad's back pocket, insisting that he pull me up the hill on my roller skates
--telling stories I thought were amazing, oblivious to whether anyone was really listening or not
--sitting in the gutter in my bathing suit after it had rained
--anything the big kids did was impressive
--a sweet old lady's remote controlled chair was like a sweet ride
--a sweet old lady's dog was my best friend
--an old man's truck with poles was a sweet jungle gym (until we were yelled at)
--sat. was sweet (candy day)
that's part 1 when I think of more I'll add...but i'm hungry so food is taking over my mind...ahh...i'm out
--boys and girls didn't date..they had huge pinecone wars...we got the treefort, the boys got the forest floor
--an old blue water barrel = a mini-pool, a toy to walk about on (and fall off of), an endless entertainment to put people (usually a little sister) in, and push down a hill
--treasure hunts with smarties and babybel cheeses created by my dad
--crawling into my dad's lap for some good ole narnia stories
--the jokes I told always seem hilarious
--hanging on stubbornly to my dad's back pocket, insisting that he pull me up the hill on my roller skates
--telling stories I thought were amazing, oblivious to whether anyone was really listening or not
--sitting in the gutter in my bathing suit after it had rained
--anything the big kids did was impressive
--a sweet old lady's remote controlled chair was like a sweet ride
--a sweet old lady's dog was my best friend
--an old man's truck with poles was a sweet jungle gym (until we were yelled at)
--sat. was sweet (candy day)
that's part 1 when I think of more I'll add...but i'm hungry so food is taking over my mind...ahh...i'm out
the best present you can give urself
is...a hot shower
I mean it's a perfect gift...it soothes, distracts, comforts, cleanses...allows you to drift off to a place between sleep and consciousness...it gives you its full attention....after being cold and wet all day I found it as satisfying as I thought it would be...turned it up as hot as possible...sigh..there's nothing to beat that...and then the previous chilly air that I felt before the shower, changed into a refreshing breeze the instance I stepped from the steam...ooh la la it was good.
I mean it's a perfect gift...it soothes, distracts, comforts, cleanses...allows you to drift off to a place between sleep and consciousness...it gives you its full attention....after being cold and wet all day I found it as satisfying as I thought it would be...turned it up as hot as possible...sigh..there's nothing to beat that...and then the previous chilly air that I felt before the shower, changed into a refreshing breeze the instance I stepped from the steam...ooh la la it was good.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
validated
I was with one of my friends the other day and on several occasions found myself experiencing the desire to wrap my arms around him and tell him that he is amazing...not because of any attraction to him, but because I began to think about how many of my friends just don't know their good qualities because there is noone stepping out to invest that sense in them...I encourage you to go to God first and foremost for love because love originates from God and I don't think any one person can portray that kind of love..but it makes one think....I was with another friend and were just chatting and I said, "You know what you need?" "A girlfriend?" he said quite bitterly and I replied with something along the lines of a crazy road trip..but it got me thinking, we don't need someone of the opposite sex to validate us, it is not necessary to find comfort, but the thought of some girl stepping into this boy's life and fully appreciating him for who he was, was something I was really longing for him to have...not just him, but for a few of my friends...one of my close girlfriends thinks she is not beautiful, and I can't even comprehend why, because to me, she is gorgeous, both physically and spiritually...but my compliments seem to bounce off her...God created man and woman to be together and sometimes it is through someone else that He spills His love into us....I fell for Jesus, like fully in love with Him, and He was the first to make me feel worth something....I treasure that but I also take great joy in dating Jay and God has used him to convey a bundle of insecurities to me, and really it just feels great to be cared about in this way...I hope this post doesn't make the singles feel frustrated, but these thoughts have been running through my head and how God has specifically created other people to validate us, and what a beautiful thing it is...I really long for my friends to feel God's love first and then experience it vividly through another person...that is what I hope for you...
Friday, April 28, 2006
alice in wonderland
lucky for alice, her wonderland didn't have an aroma of poo as the countryside tends to flaunt these days..mine however was quite delightful... I fought a tiger--bare armed, managed to tame the beast in spite of a few scratches...went exploring in a cave and found some jewels, thousands of them, catching the sunlight, and when I pulled them out, shaking off the dust they crumbled...seems like the cave had some sort of spell...caught a glimpse of a giant sea turtle--was tempted to hop up and ride it but held back...I pass it every now and then...
..I must say I love my imagination...perhaps it comes from burying myself in books since I was a kid...crossing into peoples' stories with a flick of the page...at the end of the book I always felt a bit disappointed, as if I'd been invited into a secret garden, had an assortment of adventures, and then suddenly been ushered out unexpectedly when all I wanted to do was stick around and carry on with the people I had learned so well...working in a real garden all day by myself can get quite boring so I find that by carrying my thoughts off on explorations, time is filled in...there's something about working in the garden too that refreshes me, clearing away these dead leaves (although sometimes they turn into jewels and catch me by suprise), making room for new growth...I quite like the feeling of satisfaction that settles over me at the end of the day...I suppose Alice's Wonderland was full of nonsense and since I sound a bit loony I guess I fit right in to that sort of world...if you find your mind wandering sometime, indulge and see where it takes you...no guarantees but who knows..
..I must say I love my imagination...perhaps it comes from burying myself in books since I was a kid...crossing into peoples' stories with a flick of the page...at the end of the book I always felt a bit disappointed, as if I'd been invited into a secret garden, had an assortment of adventures, and then suddenly been ushered out unexpectedly when all I wanted to do was stick around and carry on with the people I had learned so well...working in a real garden all day by myself can get quite boring so I find that by carrying my thoughts off on explorations, time is filled in...there's something about working in the garden too that refreshes me, clearing away these dead leaves (although sometimes they turn into jewels and catch me by suprise), making room for new growth...I quite like the feeling of satisfaction that settles over me at the end of the day...I suppose Alice's Wonderland was full of nonsense and since I sound a bit loony I guess I fit right in to that sort of world...if you find your mind wandering sometime, indulge and see where it takes you...no guarantees but who knows..
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