the death of something lovely...

Jesus I miss you...your warmth...this longing may seem threadbare at times but part of me wants to keep it tucked away...just in case...just in case we fall in love again...see it's been awhile since I've really loved you...love is patient as you say...well my patience has an edge to it...I suppose I rub it up against my own walls too much...but there's something about you that smoothes over my roughness...my sarcasm...my futile attempts to be noticed...to be desired...something in this love that allows me to slip back into a place where noone notices & that is when you reach me...sometimes you reach into me..into this pool of mistakes & you select one...maybe small..maybe not..but you hold it up in front of me & next to you it looks so insignificant & before I can name it, it crumbles into dust...love forgives...I know you've forgiven me...so many burdens I've clung onto for hours or even years until you unclenched my fists & held me as I let out all the breath in me...shoulders shaking...& yet have I really forgiven myself? perhaps I pose this question in an effort to explain my regrets...but love does not hold grudges...so why do I delay you from this freedom you offer me...sometimes its as if I'm in mourning...as if something lovely has died...Jesus I miss being in love with you...I can't even define myself..this shadow I step into out of complacency...or perhaps open rebellion...you were a rebel once...perhaps you still are...compel me Father...your love is unresistable when I stop resisting...love me