alice in wonderland

lucky for alice, her wonderland didn't have an aroma of poo as the countryside tends to flaunt these days..mine however was quite delightful... I fought a tiger--bare armed, managed to tame the beast in spite of a few scratches...went exploring in a cave and found some jewels, thousands of them, catching the sunlight, and when I pulled them out, shaking off the dust they crumbled...seems like the cave had some sort of spell...caught a glimpse of a giant sea turtle--was tempted to hop up and ride it but held back...I pass it every now and then...
..I must say I love my imagination...perhaps it comes from burying myself in books since I was a kid...crossing into peoples' stories with a flick of the page...at the end of the book I always felt a bit disappointed, as if I'd been invited into a secret garden, had an assortment of adventures, and then suddenly been ushered out unexpectedly when all I wanted to do was stick around and carry on with the people I had learned so well...working in a real garden all day by myself can get quite boring so I find that by carrying my thoughts off on explorations, time is filled in...there's something about working in the garden too that refreshes me, clearing away these dead leaves (although sometimes they turn into jewels and catch me by suprise), making room for new growth...I quite like the feeling of satisfaction that settles over me at the end of the day...I suppose Alice's Wonderland was full of nonsense and since I sound a bit loony I guess I fit right in to that sort of world...if you find your mind wandering sometime, indulge and see where it takes you...no guarantees but who knows..

treasure trove

I happened to pick up my mother's Bible yesterday, simply out of intrigue I suppose...while flipping through it I found notes spilling out, pages of quotes intertwined with Bible verses..it was beautiful...but what was most precious to me was when I found different verses she had underlined, places that God had clearly told ahold of her heart and spoken to her through them....and I felt like God awakened me to something beautiful--you see, I've heard the Bible called "The Living Word" before but never really defined that term to myself..but here, in this precious Bible, was evidence that God is Alive, that He is and has been Living his Word out through my mom's joys, through her trials, and through verses that He specifically gave her to fill up whatever she was lacking in....what a blessing..I then picked up my dad's Bible and found similar notes, not in the same verses exactly, but the fact that he too found specific verses important enough to underline, something that God specifically drove into his heart...I realized, I am so blessed that I can pick up my parents' Bibles, and see evidence that God is working in their hearts...my Bible has become a close friend--to the extent that I miss it if I stay away too long...it holds jewels in it, jewels that speak of failures..times I've fallen on my face and God has scooped me up into His arms...jewels of humour that God has happily pointed out in His scriptures...my friend, Caitlin, and I went exploring in an old antique mall and happened to find an old testement of someone's..and it was soo astounding to see places that this person had marked and so incredible to know that God continues to live out His Word, through speaking to our hearts, whether we know each other's stories or not...there are carefully placed treasure troves in our Bibles...God is real and alive and I take so so much joy in that...I pray that your Bible reveals its jewels to you and that God writes them on your heart...God Bless...

diaries

"2am and I'm still awake writing a song,
if I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me,
threatening the life it belongs to.
and I feel like I'm naked in front of a crowd
cuz these words are my diaries screaming out loud,
and I know that you'll use them however you want to" (anna nalick)

"No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten" (Natasha Bedingfield)

...so basically these ladies have captured it, the essence of song writing I mean...a story that's dying to spill out, and you can feel it inside of you...kind of hard to explain really...maybe its like being pregnant..I wouldn't know..but that's what comes to mind...I dunno, its this feeling inside of you that's always been there I suppose, or maybe it was picked up through an experience of some sort, something that cries for a voice, a memory, a moment, and so what can you do but pick up a guitar and wait for it to slip out...sometimes..most times my lyrics stampede their way onto the paper, leaving the notes to frantically pick themselves up and my fingers to somehow pull them along in the same direction...sometimes we get lost in some back alley, my fingers and I but the lyrics are patient..after all they've been waiting for the right moment, the fingers and the notes deserve the same treatment...so in this jumble of confusion and song makes its way out, sometimes all the way...sometimes it signals that it's not quite ready to face the world, and that's fine, I used to be shy too...God's beginning to show His Glory through me, though the stage is still quite scary at times...man, it's exactly like Natasha says, you feel so vulnerable in front of a crowd because these words may hold so much weight for you but they really are just words and others can take them however they choose...but I must say I feel quite at peace with that because God is the one directing His listeners' hearts...groovy...God bless...keep writing...

nudity

[for those of you hoping for a good camp story..sorry...:grins: look elsewhere today...]
now...hopefully most of you have been skinny-dipping so you know the freedom that comes with it..course there are some limitations to that freedom :grins: but there's still something compelling and beautiful about it...but before one strips one tends to feel a bit vulnerable in the moment (reasonable of course) and we want to hold onto all our security...funny that we find security and dignity from a bit of cloth...anyways I was gardening today and was raking away at these bushes, trying to get all the leaves out from under their branches...this involved a bit of yanking because they seemed to be clinging so tightly onto these leaves..it's like they're thinking, 'hold up now, these leaves have covered me all fall and winter, how dare you steal them'...its like this protective covering...but in fact, it won't stay a protective covering because by removing the leaves I am actually allowing them to breathe in the fresh spring air...something that is vital to plants of course....sometimes I wonder if Jesus feels like He's gardening our hearts...tugging away these 'protective' coverings that have kept us safe through winter and what not, but now what we need most is fresh air and room to breathe..."and they were naked and they were not ashamed"(Genesis) Adam and Eve were created in the nude with this freedom and closeness to God..it was only after sin divided them that they became ashamed of their nudity and tried to cover up....I hope Jesus strips away our 'coverings', our layers of things that we are holding tightly onto for our security, our dignity....I was able to free these simple plants to breathe..sure they still looked pretty bedraggled, bony, and all over the place with their leaf droppings, but they gained fresh air.....Jesus is my fresh air, man He is so good at freeing me...again and again..so...what to take from this? everything of course..and a recommendation for skinnydipping, altho don't forget--there are some limits :grins: God gives us some rockin analogies sometimes eh?

blessin' ya'll

normally blessings don't begin with "is that a dirty book you're reading?" but in today's case it assuredly did....the morning convo:
old man: is that a dirty book you're reading?
me: no, it's philosophy
old man: oh philosophy's good, useful too..what philosophers?
me: kant, etc..blahblah
old man: you have a boyfriend?
me: nope
old man: well when you meet a guy and you know what he's thinking you can know if he's right for you
me: oh thankyou
old man: you have beautiful earrings
me: thankyou
old man: and eyes..may I have them? *grins* (and I notice that he has no teeth)

and on that note we parted...one friendly convo that sparked a blessing for my day...
makes me think about how easy it is to bless someone, whether through making em laugh, paying a simple compliment, or just even acknowleging their presence with a friendly hello...sometimes I forget that we don't have to include Christianity in blessing ppl but can just bless em in the simple ways..looking back I realize I could have averted my eyes and kept walking when the old man addressed me but I chose not to thankgoodness and got a blessing..groovy
ps. if hannah makes a perverted comment ignore it

clearly now it's easy now for her to breathe

"while He's near she doesn't feel the pain, clearly it's easy now for her to breathe"...man I'm really glad God has ahold of my heart...sometimes when I worship through music and close my eyes, I feel as though I'm this solitary figure, and I can feel almost a vast expanse surrounding me, but it doesn't feel empty, because His presence is filling it up...sometimes I'm scared to get close to people because I know that they will hurt me at one point or another, whether they intend originally to or not...face it...we're all prone to hurting one another...as Jay pointed out, sometimes its just fun to make up..:grins:...which is true, but if only we could bypass the hurt...but I'm not saying I don't get hurt with God, because I do..because of myself that is..my stubborness to appreciate His love versus other means of satisfaction...as my pastor was stressing today, God gives us a freedom through the law that He's written on our hearts...because by teaching us to stay away from specific things, we are not constrained by their faults and traps...but we are free in Christ's love...and I hope He draws near to you, and that you find it easier to breathe...because He surrounds us...completely...and effortlessly...and most importantly, lovingly...

distractions

amazing what you find yourself doing in place of attempting to write a paper..consider the following:
--attempting to crochet a tie
--taking pics of myself in a black and white-rocker-mullet wig
--sleeping alot
--dancing
--blah

vulnerable

there's something scary about vulnerability...this fog that seems to creep up and cloud my thoughts...a sense that something is being slowly torn everytime I bring the subject up...and so I hesitate to write because I don't know who will read this but I really write for myself..maybe for a start of some sort of release...I'm not sure at this point...I really admire my father...he's a good dad--he looks out for our family, financially, and supportively..in his own way...but it hurts sometimes becuase I don't feel the closeness with him that I used to have..deep down I miss it so so much..he doesn't neglect me, beat me, use sharp words with me...but he doesn't open up either and that's something I really long for, a dad who will confide in me...when I was little we used to go on hikes up this craig and he would do scavenger hunts for me with an assortment of smarties and babybel cheeses...I was in complete awe of him...then as I got older, I pushed him away a bit..natural for a teenage girl, I suppose...but now it's like I want that affectionate side back and yet I feel that it's hesitating on his part...maybe I'm not clear in my thoughts towards him..I suppose I'm scared to open up and not receive...it hurts right now to even write this...I can feel the tears beginning to well up behind my eyes...I can't quite describe what I long for with him...I want a daddy back...I'm beginning to understand him a bit as an adult, in our similar humour and conversations about God and where we stand with Him..but there's an essence of being a daughter that I seem to have lost ahold of...maybe I expect too much...maybe not...
ps.
I know God, my Father, can fill this void but I don't want him to fill all of it just yet...we've talked a bit...its being vulnerable that scares me the most..even with God...I love my dad, both my earthly and heavenly dad, there is no doubt about that...but this longing for intimacy with both fathers has yet to be uncovered...maybe I have to make the first few baby steps...
pss. I love you Dad.

puttin on the ritz

it was completely dark..you could see the figures slowly beginning to raise their instruments...and then--the drums were sparked, a roll of beats that tugged at every pounding heart in the room...the dance floor lit up, sparkling dresses twirled with black suits, and the music caught my feet up in movements I could not refuse..the notes caught ahold of my hand and led me onto the dance floor to the throng of dancers whirling about...it was brilliant...the scene faded as I felt something caught in my shoe..I looked down and perceived the interuption to be a nail and with that the dancers were gone and I was back at my dad's building site with a vacumn in one hand and my fingers grasping at my cd player's volume...I glanced around at the dust-streaked floor, resumed my work, and slyly pulled the volume back up to its original state...the dance was revived and with a shy glance at my partner, I allowed myself to be led forward once again...