vulnerable

there's something scary about vulnerability...this fog that seems to creep up and cloud my thoughts...a sense that something is being slowly torn everytime I bring the subject up...and so I hesitate to write because I don't know who will read this but I really write for myself..maybe for a start of some sort of release...I'm not sure at this point...I really admire my father...he's a good dad--he looks out for our family, financially, and supportively..in his own way...but it hurts sometimes becuase I don't feel the closeness with him that I used to have..deep down I miss it so so much..he doesn't neglect me, beat me, use sharp words with me...but he doesn't open up either and that's something I really long for, a dad who will confide in me...when I was little we used to go on hikes up this craig and he would do scavenger hunts for me with an assortment of smarties and babybel cheeses...I was in complete awe of him...then as I got older, I pushed him away a bit..natural for a teenage girl, I suppose...but now it's like I want that affectionate side back and yet I feel that it's hesitating on his part...maybe I'm not clear in my thoughts towards him..I suppose I'm scared to open up and not receive...it hurts right now to even write this...I can feel the tears beginning to well up behind my eyes...I can't quite describe what I long for with him...I want a daddy back...I'm beginning to understand him a bit as an adult, in our similar humour and conversations about God and where we stand with Him..but there's an essence of being a daughter that I seem to have lost ahold of...maybe I expect too much...maybe not...
ps.
I know God, my Father, can fill this void but I don't want him to fill all of it just yet...we've talked a bit...its being vulnerable that scares me the most..even with God...I love my dad, both my earthly and heavenly dad, there is no doubt about that...but this longing for intimacy with both fathers has yet to be uncovered...maybe I have to make the first few baby steps...
pss. I love you Dad.