triggered

there have been an assortment of ideas flitting through my head since I woke up this morning with a terribly sad feeling, the kind that pulls such a heavy weight behind it that it compells one to feel a bit sick too at the very thought...the sad feeling was triggered by a horrible nightmare I experienced last night..I've been trying to figure out why the nightmare was introduced to me in the first place and the following conclusion is what I've come up with: seems that Satan's biggest weapons in this case to me are fear+lies..old fears from past failures, past struggles come back to haunt me sometimes, and that's when I'm tackled with lies..lies that defend the fears and heap the blame on myself..lies that twist the way I see the past with the reality of it...both lies+fear can't seem to stand when things are going swell for me, and it's at that point that they begin to rear their ugly heads, taunting me with their riducules..
..I suppose its in dreams/nightmares that our inner fears are so easily released..in this particular nightmare, I experienced the horror of catching my boyfriend cheating on me with some girl...at first they played ignorant to my accusations and then began to justify their 'innocence'...doubts began to spring up about my worth, if I was good enough for him, and in comparison to 'her' --what did I have to offer?...the first time I woke up from this horrible dream I just lay in bed for a bit trying to soak it all in...I drifted off to sleep again to find myself asking them "why?" but my analyzations and questions did me no justice and when I woke up again the sick feeling was still there...
..the irony of this nightmare is that it has happened to me, with my first boyfriend, Brandon, and although the circumstances and the people were different, they followed the defense of ignorance to justifying also...let me say, however, that there has been nothing in my relationship with Jay that he has done to trigger such a nightmare...in fact he's offered more security for me than any other relationship I've known...I suppose Satan finds this affection disgusting and therefore is using my old fears against me in this case, as I stated earlier...it sickens me think that Satan can twist our thoughts in such an extreme way...I don't know what hand Satan has in dreams/nightmares, but I know that God does not use our sins against us. ever. and so I conclude with the knowledge that God has the best in mind for us and I simply have to give this up to Him, in asking Him to protect me from the falsity of last night...I trust that my relationship with Jay will last as long as God wills and I have to to trust...its about a faith that remains dependent through the rough moments...I think the more you begin to care about someone, the more the fears of losing them begin to appear...I can't grant that nightmares will be solved, but I can put my hope in God's strength, versus my own...

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way." Psalm 139:23-24

"If I take the wings of dawn, if I dwell in the remotest part of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, and Your right hand will lay hold of me. If I say, "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, and the light around me will be night, even the darkness is not dark to You, and the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You." Psalm 139:9-12

the golden pass

although there have been a jumble of thoughts staking their claims on my list of priorities, it seems one is always bound to escape from the pushing and shoving, strutting its way up to my brain, waving its bright golden pass for me to let it out..I swear it's like a mosh pit in there sometimes, these thoughts, man, they're tough, will take a few punches just to be heard..and I can see the shape of this particular thought in my mind, but the details have not become quite clear yet and so as I proceed to write, I hope the image with become more focused..on a side note, someone's offered me a free darkroom so that's a pleasent thought..oh sorry, mr-golden-pass's image is shaking his fist, evidently he requires all the attention...if I could make out his face I'm sure brows would be pinched together, and perhaps nostrils flaring..alright then I'd better get on with it... he's holding up a flashcard that says "friends"....
..friends..I think we slot too many people into that category nowadays..and with each new addition to our life we lose a little bit of intimacy..you can't have intimacy with every friend..friends are supposed to be there when one is down, an available hug or shoulder to lean on..while I was in south carolina I began to realize which were my dependable friends, which acquaintances had slid under the roped-off friend area, and I don't mean to blame the acquaintances, I suppose we must blame ourselves in that matter, for labeling people before they're actually proven a friend...there were friends who knew I was in town but didn't follow that up, and a bit of what we once had, or what I assumed we'd had, slipped away...and then there were my best friends, girls that slid a bit of fun into each day I was there, welcomed my boyfriend, approved of him, and stuck around long enough to get to know him...
..it's strange, because in south carolina I had a bunch of one-on-one friends, no one specific group and it was interesting bringing them all together to visit the zoo, and other slotted experiences that had to be planned on the trip...here in uxbridge, I find it amusing, I suppose, the difference..here my friends are all one big group of friends, that have meshed lives together and thousands of memories to hold on to and laugh about...they welcomed me with open arms and I can't thank God enough for that..but it's still hard, the contrast...finding a closeness in a midst of this crowd...the girls are closer to me than the boys, and I think I like it that way..good girlfriends are always needed...and my past friendships with boys were always skewed in one way or another....and though I don't limit my friendship opportunities I find that I"m hoping some really strong friendships will spring up...closest girlfriend I have is caitlin wood..amazing gal...
...I hope God really begins to define real friendships for me here, and doesn't just let me take what I can..there are some precious people here, and in south carolina...it's about taking a few risks and investing...God keep me accountable...
..there the thought has left the building, stumbled a few times in his delivery speech but I think he is quite satisfied with the final result...I think I am too...

I luv this kid...my bro's the best

there's something that grabs me about my little brother....coolest kid I know by far...sweet temperment, just lookin' for people to look up to, and boy did he find one today...perhaps it was the invitation to the treefort, or the sweet drum beat lessons that caught Jordan's attention..prolly both...I was sitting up in "The Room" (music jam area) at Jay's parents' house, watching his older bro, Ben, lead Jordan through a series of beats...my bro's face was dancing back and forth from one of fixated concentration as he counted out the beats, to slips of frustration that appeared with each miscalculated tap...his face would screw up at his mistake and apologies kept spilling out to which Ben would chuckle in response and say, "it's ok, keep going.." found myself fascinated at Jordan's determination to get it perfect, this first time, anything to impress his audience of two...no doubt Ben was amused by the innocent show of expression that kept popping up in Jordan's toothy smile...at the end of our visit, Jordan emerged from the house, loaded up with dirtbike magazines..haha...he's hooked...poor kid arrived home feeling carsick from having his eyes glued to the mags during the drive...ha I luv it...It struck me how much I was impressed by Ben's gentle attitude towards my bro...this poor kid stuck with 3 olders sisters, goodness knows he needs some good male role models...and Ben seemed to slide into that role perfectly today...(so Ben if you read this thanks)...
..for all you big bros out there, man don't brush off that kid that looks up to you...the tiniest bit of time you invest means a buttload of admiration...nothing worth resisting cuz of the priorities you think you have...bros come first...no doubt about it...and boys need big guys to step in and help mold...man...groovy...my bro's the best..and he doesn't even know it..:grins:

locked in the past (prt 1)

locked in the past..that's where my childhood is...sure I can unlock memories to it, spill a few stories here and there, but it's still locked...sure I can act like a kid, but those actions don't make me a kid again...someday I hope to have a kid or two, but though a sliver of me will be there, it won't be me really...today I was reflecting on what I miss about being a kid...so here goes:

--boys and girls didn't date..they had huge pinecone wars...we got the treefort, the boys got the forest floor
--an old blue water barrel = a mini-pool, a toy to walk about on (and fall off of), an endless entertainment to put people (usually a little sister) in, and push down a hill
--treasure hunts with smarties and babybel cheeses created by my dad
--crawling into my dad's lap for some good ole narnia stories
--the jokes I told always seem hilarious
--hanging on stubbornly to my dad's back pocket, insisting that he pull me up the hill on my roller skates
--telling stories I thought were amazing, oblivious to whether anyone was really listening or not
--sitting in the gutter in my bathing suit after it had rained
--anything the big kids did was impressive
--a sweet old lady's remote controlled chair was like a sweet ride
--a sweet old lady's dog was my best friend
--an old man's truck with poles was a sweet jungle gym (until we were yelled at)
--sat. was sweet (candy day)

that's part 1 when I think of more I'll add...but i'm hungry so food is taking over my mind...ahh...i'm out

the best present you can give urself

is...a hot shower
I mean it's a perfect gift...it soothes, distracts, comforts, cleanses...allows you to drift off to a place between sleep and consciousness...it gives you its full attention....after being cold and wet all day I found it as satisfying as I thought it would be...turned it up as hot as possible...sigh..there's nothing to beat that...and then the previous chilly air that I felt before the shower, changed into a refreshing breeze the instance I stepped from the steam...ooh la la it was good.

validated

I was with one of my friends the other day and on several occasions found myself experiencing the desire to wrap my arms around him and tell him that he is amazing...not because of any attraction to him, but because I began to think about how many of my friends just don't know their good qualities because there is noone stepping out to invest that sense in them...I encourage you to go to God first and foremost for love because love originates from God and I don't think any one person can portray that kind of love..but it makes one think....I was with another friend and were just chatting and I said, "You know what you need?" "A girlfriend?" he said quite bitterly and I replied with something along the lines of a crazy road trip..but it got me thinking, we don't need someone of the opposite sex to validate us, it is not necessary to find comfort, but the thought of some girl stepping into this boy's life and fully appreciating him for who he was, was something I was really longing for him to have...not just him, but for a few of my friends...one of my close girlfriends thinks she is not beautiful, and I can't even comprehend why, because to me, she is gorgeous, both physically and spiritually...but my compliments seem to bounce off her...God created man and woman to be together and sometimes it is through someone else that He spills His love into us....I fell for Jesus, like fully in love with Him, and He was the first to make me feel worth something....I treasure that but I also take great joy in dating Jay and God has used him to convey a bundle of insecurities to me, and really it just feels great to be cared about in this way...I hope this post doesn't make the singles feel frustrated, but these thoughts have been running through my head and how God has specifically created other people to validate us, and what a beautiful thing it is...I really long for my friends to feel God's love first and then experience it vividly through another person...that is what I hope for you...

alice in wonderland

lucky for alice, her wonderland didn't have an aroma of poo as the countryside tends to flaunt these days..mine however was quite delightful... I fought a tiger--bare armed, managed to tame the beast in spite of a few scratches...went exploring in a cave and found some jewels, thousands of them, catching the sunlight, and when I pulled them out, shaking off the dust they crumbled...seems like the cave had some sort of spell...caught a glimpse of a giant sea turtle--was tempted to hop up and ride it but held back...I pass it every now and then...
..I must say I love my imagination...perhaps it comes from burying myself in books since I was a kid...crossing into peoples' stories with a flick of the page...at the end of the book I always felt a bit disappointed, as if I'd been invited into a secret garden, had an assortment of adventures, and then suddenly been ushered out unexpectedly when all I wanted to do was stick around and carry on with the people I had learned so well...working in a real garden all day by myself can get quite boring so I find that by carrying my thoughts off on explorations, time is filled in...there's something about working in the garden too that refreshes me, clearing away these dead leaves (although sometimes they turn into jewels and catch me by suprise), making room for new growth...I quite like the feeling of satisfaction that settles over me at the end of the day...I suppose Alice's Wonderland was full of nonsense and since I sound a bit loony I guess I fit right in to that sort of world...if you find your mind wandering sometime, indulge and see where it takes you...no guarantees but who knows..

treasure trove

I happened to pick up my mother's Bible yesterday, simply out of intrigue I suppose...while flipping through it I found notes spilling out, pages of quotes intertwined with Bible verses..it was beautiful...but what was most precious to me was when I found different verses she had underlined, places that God had clearly told ahold of her heart and spoken to her through them....and I felt like God awakened me to something beautiful--you see, I've heard the Bible called "The Living Word" before but never really defined that term to myself..but here, in this precious Bible, was evidence that God is Alive, that He is and has been Living his Word out through my mom's joys, through her trials, and through verses that He specifically gave her to fill up whatever she was lacking in....what a blessing..I then picked up my dad's Bible and found similar notes, not in the same verses exactly, but the fact that he too found specific verses important enough to underline, something that God specifically drove into his heart...I realized, I am so blessed that I can pick up my parents' Bibles, and see evidence that God is working in their hearts...my Bible has become a close friend--to the extent that I miss it if I stay away too long...it holds jewels in it, jewels that speak of failures..times I've fallen on my face and God has scooped me up into His arms...jewels of humour that God has happily pointed out in His scriptures...my friend, Caitlin, and I went exploring in an old antique mall and happened to find an old testement of someone's..and it was soo astounding to see places that this person had marked and so incredible to know that God continues to live out His Word, through speaking to our hearts, whether we know each other's stories or not...there are carefully placed treasure troves in our Bibles...God is real and alive and I take so so much joy in that...I pray that your Bible reveals its jewels to you and that God writes them on your heart...God Bless...

diaries

"2am and I'm still awake writing a song,
if I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me,
threatening the life it belongs to.
and I feel like I'm naked in front of a crowd
cuz these words are my diaries screaming out loud,
and I know that you'll use them however you want to" (anna nalick)

"No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten" (Natasha Bedingfield)

...so basically these ladies have captured it, the essence of song writing I mean...a story that's dying to spill out, and you can feel it inside of you...kind of hard to explain really...maybe its like being pregnant..I wouldn't know..but that's what comes to mind...I dunno, its this feeling inside of you that's always been there I suppose, or maybe it was picked up through an experience of some sort, something that cries for a voice, a memory, a moment, and so what can you do but pick up a guitar and wait for it to slip out...sometimes..most times my lyrics stampede their way onto the paper, leaving the notes to frantically pick themselves up and my fingers to somehow pull them along in the same direction...sometimes we get lost in some back alley, my fingers and I but the lyrics are patient..after all they've been waiting for the right moment, the fingers and the notes deserve the same treatment...so in this jumble of confusion and song makes its way out, sometimes all the way...sometimes it signals that it's not quite ready to face the world, and that's fine, I used to be shy too...God's beginning to show His Glory through me, though the stage is still quite scary at times...man, it's exactly like Natasha says, you feel so vulnerable in front of a crowd because these words may hold so much weight for you but they really are just words and others can take them however they choose...but I must say I feel quite at peace with that because God is the one directing His listeners' hearts...groovy...God bless...keep writing...

nudity

[for those of you hoping for a good camp story..sorry...:grins: look elsewhere today...]
now...hopefully most of you have been skinny-dipping so you know the freedom that comes with it..course there are some limitations to that freedom :grins: but there's still something compelling and beautiful about it...but before one strips one tends to feel a bit vulnerable in the moment (reasonable of course) and we want to hold onto all our security...funny that we find security and dignity from a bit of cloth...anyways I was gardening today and was raking away at these bushes, trying to get all the leaves out from under their branches...this involved a bit of yanking because they seemed to be clinging so tightly onto these leaves..it's like they're thinking, 'hold up now, these leaves have covered me all fall and winter, how dare you steal them'...its like this protective covering...but in fact, it won't stay a protective covering because by removing the leaves I am actually allowing them to breathe in the fresh spring air...something that is vital to plants of course....sometimes I wonder if Jesus feels like He's gardening our hearts...tugging away these 'protective' coverings that have kept us safe through winter and what not, but now what we need most is fresh air and room to breathe..."and they were naked and they were not ashamed"(Genesis) Adam and Eve were created in the nude with this freedom and closeness to God..it was only after sin divided them that they became ashamed of their nudity and tried to cover up....I hope Jesus strips away our 'coverings', our layers of things that we are holding tightly onto for our security, our dignity....I was able to free these simple plants to breathe..sure they still looked pretty bedraggled, bony, and all over the place with their leaf droppings, but they gained fresh air.....Jesus is my fresh air, man He is so good at freeing me...again and again..so...what to take from this? everything of course..and a recommendation for skinnydipping, altho don't forget--there are some limits :grins: God gives us some rockin analogies sometimes eh?

blessin' ya'll

normally blessings don't begin with "is that a dirty book you're reading?" but in today's case it assuredly did....the morning convo:
old man: is that a dirty book you're reading?
me: no, it's philosophy
old man: oh philosophy's good, useful too..what philosophers?
me: kant, etc..blahblah
old man: you have a boyfriend?
me: nope
old man: well when you meet a guy and you know what he's thinking you can know if he's right for you
me: oh thankyou
old man: you have beautiful earrings
me: thankyou
old man: and eyes..may I have them? *grins* (and I notice that he has no teeth)

and on that note we parted...one friendly convo that sparked a blessing for my day...
makes me think about how easy it is to bless someone, whether through making em laugh, paying a simple compliment, or just even acknowleging their presence with a friendly hello...sometimes I forget that we don't have to include Christianity in blessing ppl but can just bless em in the simple ways..looking back I realize I could have averted my eyes and kept walking when the old man addressed me but I chose not to thankgoodness and got a blessing..groovy
ps. if hannah makes a perverted comment ignore it

clearly now it's easy now for her to breathe

"while He's near she doesn't feel the pain, clearly it's easy now for her to breathe"...man I'm really glad God has ahold of my heart...sometimes when I worship through music and close my eyes, I feel as though I'm this solitary figure, and I can feel almost a vast expanse surrounding me, but it doesn't feel empty, because His presence is filling it up...sometimes I'm scared to get close to people because I know that they will hurt me at one point or another, whether they intend originally to or not...face it...we're all prone to hurting one another...as Jay pointed out, sometimes its just fun to make up..:grins:...which is true, but if only we could bypass the hurt...but I'm not saying I don't get hurt with God, because I do..because of myself that is..my stubborness to appreciate His love versus other means of satisfaction...as my pastor was stressing today, God gives us a freedom through the law that He's written on our hearts...because by teaching us to stay away from specific things, we are not constrained by their faults and traps...but we are free in Christ's love...and I hope He draws near to you, and that you find it easier to breathe...because He surrounds us...completely...and effortlessly...and most importantly, lovingly...

distractions

amazing what you find yourself doing in place of attempting to write a paper..consider the following:
--attempting to crochet a tie
--taking pics of myself in a black and white-rocker-mullet wig
--sleeping alot
--dancing
--blah

vulnerable

there's something scary about vulnerability...this fog that seems to creep up and cloud my thoughts...a sense that something is being slowly torn everytime I bring the subject up...and so I hesitate to write because I don't know who will read this but I really write for myself..maybe for a start of some sort of release...I'm not sure at this point...I really admire my father...he's a good dad--he looks out for our family, financially, and supportively..in his own way...but it hurts sometimes becuase I don't feel the closeness with him that I used to have..deep down I miss it so so much..he doesn't neglect me, beat me, use sharp words with me...but he doesn't open up either and that's something I really long for, a dad who will confide in me...when I was little we used to go on hikes up this craig and he would do scavenger hunts for me with an assortment of smarties and babybel cheeses...I was in complete awe of him...then as I got older, I pushed him away a bit..natural for a teenage girl, I suppose...but now it's like I want that affectionate side back and yet I feel that it's hesitating on his part...maybe I'm not clear in my thoughts towards him..I suppose I'm scared to open up and not receive...it hurts right now to even write this...I can feel the tears beginning to well up behind my eyes...I can't quite describe what I long for with him...I want a daddy back...I'm beginning to understand him a bit as an adult, in our similar humour and conversations about God and where we stand with Him..but there's an essence of being a daughter that I seem to have lost ahold of...maybe I expect too much...maybe not...
ps.
I know God, my Father, can fill this void but I don't want him to fill all of it just yet...we've talked a bit...its being vulnerable that scares me the most..even with God...I love my dad, both my earthly and heavenly dad, there is no doubt about that...but this longing for intimacy with both fathers has yet to be uncovered...maybe I have to make the first few baby steps...
pss. I love you Dad.

puttin on the ritz

it was completely dark..you could see the figures slowly beginning to raise their instruments...and then--the drums were sparked, a roll of beats that tugged at every pounding heart in the room...the dance floor lit up, sparkling dresses twirled with black suits, and the music caught my feet up in movements I could not refuse..the notes caught ahold of my hand and led me onto the dance floor to the throng of dancers whirling about...it was brilliant...the scene faded as I felt something caught in my shoe..I looked down and perceived the interuption to be a nail and with that the dancers were gone and I was back at my dad's building site with a vacumn in one hand and my fingers grasping at my cd player's volume...I glanced around at the dust-streaked floor, resumed my work, and slyly pulled the volume back up to its original state...the dance was revived and with a shy glance at my partner, I allowed myself to be led forward once again...

just to be

God has really been challenging me to treasure the 'now'...or in my case, to reflect on and treasure the 'yesterday'...I cannot fully define the beauty of spending a day with God, but I'm going to try..
--yesterday morning I was making lunch and planning to watch t.v and felt God say something along the lines of, "why don't you put on some worship music and just spend time with me"..I pushed him away, thinking that I wasn't in the mood for a 'spiritual' experience...later I was listening to songs on my computer and a favorite came up that said, "why do you run, why do you hide, I just wanna be with you..I see you there watching t.v..but I just want to be with you"..so :grins: that was the 1st little jab from God that morning..
--later at school (tyndale) I had a break most of the day and so my friend, Mike, and I went for a walk around the block and started discussing God and the concept of just simply 'being with Him'...Mike told me the story of a guy who was skipping rocks on a river one day, and asking God what he was supposed to do, what did God want from Him..and he felt God say, 'I just want to skip rocks with you'...:grins: perhaps it seems a bit absurd, but I love that idea..sometimes I find myself going to God only when I'm in a 'spiritual place' or mood for God-stuff, but God really wants to be included in every part of our lives..I suppose I've known that all along but not really put it into practice so much..it's like a friend that you spend time with simply to appreciate them , not to get something out of the talks you share with them...so that was God's 2nd lil jab.."let us draw near with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith"--Hebrews 10:22
--that night I was eating dinner in the cafe and I felt this strong desire to sit off on my own and 'just be' with God...so I grabbed my cd player, put some worship music on (drewbrown>amazing worship songs) and just sat with God by the window, eating dinner with Him..I wasn't expecting to 'feel' anything in particular, just to invite him to my table..the sky was gorgeous so after dinner, God and I went up to the 6th floor balcony to check out the sky...I really see His majesty up there, past all the man-made buildings, minus all the city sounds, it was amazing to just stand up there enjoying who God is, through His creation...so to end my God-date, I went back to the Kat (student lounge) and played Him some love songs I've written for Him on guitar...just me and Him, off in a corner..man...it was the best date I've had in a long time...
--to finish the night I went to this bar called "Sneaky D's" to play guitar at this open jam thing that my friend was playing at...walked in not knowing anyone and felt instantly comfortable....big canvas on the wall for people to paint whatever they felt, sketchbooks on all the tables, ppl just jamming up on stage, embracing the feel of the music...fantastic atmosphere..so I went up on stage after a bit and started out with this song about Jazz...so after the Jazz song I realized that I really really wanted to share some songs that I'd written about Christ, but I was so scared because I didn't want to push God into people's faces and I don't know what I was really scared of but I felt God urging me to share..so I played some songs that were obviously about God and tho I was hestitant at first, I felt God encouraging me throughout the songs, just letting me know He was into it even if other ppl might not have been...overall the night was grand...."He was crucified because of weakness, yet He lives because of the power of God. For we also are weak in Him, yet we will live with Him because of the power of God directed toward you."--2 Corinthians 13:4
--this guy Chris gave me a ride home and earlier he had told me that my songs were cool but he sensed something in my voice that made it seem like I was holding back, from completely putting myself out there in the music..I had told him also that I went to bible school (Capernwray Harbour) last yr in BC and he asked what attracted me to the Bible, and I told him it was Christ that attracted me, just getting to know what He was about and His background..it felt so good to just be open about that, ya kno..we continued talking about church/where we derive our inspirations from and it was sweet to be able to just openly talk about it from different angles, no assumptions, no judging...and I told him that in playing I felt like I actually was holding back a bit because of the content of my songs, and even in God's prodding me, I was scared to share that intimacy I sang of with Christ...so it was cool to get an outside perspective on how I came across...I hope you invite God completely into your day because I guarantee, He will show up..."Draw near to God and He will draw near to you."--James 4:8

if words left a mark

'if words left a mark, would we say the same things?/I stand at your door, it is locked, and I am waiting/my fears are confirmed with a sigh/this is my first command, love God with all I am/the second is like it, this is what love is/our hearts although unseen, are always listening/this is the answer, who is my neighbor/I came took your hand, I learned your name, I danced around you/I taught you to dance around me/what's wrong in me may never be right/to fight and stand alone/we're crying on our own/we're dying on our own/if words left a mark, would we say the same thing?' (tom conlon)

I want to apologize to people I've hurt this week, unintentionally or intentionally (both are quite likely)..how often do we bruise people with our words...I think of people who have speaking disabilities and who struggle to get out even a few words...if my words were limited and I actually thought before I rambled, how much would I hold back, how many hurtful words would stay silent...I really love God, I really do...and I don't want to be someone who says that and holds onto that phrase while being afraid to step out and live it...how many times, even as a Christian, has Jesus been waiting outside my door to speak to me, to teach me, and I've held him off attempting to fill up my time with useless, temporary thoughts..'what's wrong in me may never be right'..I am quite hopeless on my own, but I find that God will meet me whereever...I love the concept of God saying 'I came, took your hand, learned your name, I danced around you'...there's something about knowing someone's name and gaining a connection, a chance to say hello...but do we really stop to learn it..to move on past the quick, 'hey-how-are-you-have-a-good-day's...sure we can't involve ourselves in everyones' lives, but why simply call our 'friends' by name, we should take their hand, and invest something more than the usual bit...'love is a many splendid thing'..so why cut short something so splendid...as my friend emphasized, 'today is a gift'...but why should we hunker down in some corner with this gift, wouldn't breaking free of that give us just a little more than we expected...Father, teach me to dance around You...forgive me for the marks I've left so carelessly...

..I stop somewhere waiting for you...

'failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged, missing me at one place search another, I stop somewhere waiting for you..' - walt whitman

long after the final scene of a kiss has faded from my mind, I know it will flicker back to that feeling..the one that sends tingles down my spine...whether provoked by an old romance flick such as "Pride and Prejudice" or simply by a glance held a few seconds longer than necessary...sigh I feel a bit silly typing this out, but whether my psychology notes were laid out to study or not, I think my thoughts would have been off in some other place...and so I write this now to sort myself out...I miss being romanced...true, because of a lack of a guy in my life I have been able to fall deeply in love with Jesus, and I would not trade that for the sincerest romance...but I must admit, I miss it...someone desiring my time, my friendship, my opinion, even just my presence...although I feel I have grown up alot since falling for Jesus...now I want a man who will challenge me to fall more deeply in love with Christ and at the same time show evidence that Christ is his 1st love...I want someone who will challenge me to step outside of myself and yet pull me back in when I most need it..someone who will put God before all that I want and who will push me to do the same...I could go on, but it feels a bit intimate to share on a blog....and plus mainly, the desire for Christ surpasses all other mentioned things...I'm not implying that I need anyone at this moment in time...sometimes it's just pleasant to daydream...rather girly of me, I suppose...all the same, whoever God has in store for me, I trust His timing is always better than mine....:grins:

..in a thousand years..

..'but I'm sure to have your love in a thousand years, yes I'm sure to have your love in a thousand years'... (-erich skelton)

..now I know this line was taken from a love song, and attributed to a person but people are temporary and as beautiful as the thought is, I'd much rather hear this from God..in fact, I feel lately like He's wooing me, with a love that is beautiful and strong and lasting...through 1000 years even...I can't imagine experiencing this love with anyone else, and I take joy in that fact, that God alone will take me aside to places that only He and I can share...love is patient...my friend gave me such a rewarding experience of patience the other night that brought my thoughts back to God in awe...we went snowboarding and no matter how many times I biffed it (fell), I'd look back up the hill and he was just sitting there, watching, and encouraging me...(I'm sure he was probably laughing a bit too) :grins:..but it felt so good to have someone want to teach me something and not give up on me...that's exactly how God treats us...sometimes the obstacles seem new/huge/scary but God will keep on helping us through it, and I find it amazingly comforting knowing that...its like I'm embarking on this adventure of who God is...and I'm completely blown away...

I gotta clearify, I am not a strong person and I find it odd that people think that sometimes...it's only because I am so messed up that God gives me all these cool revelations and thoughts...I found this verse today that kinda summed that up:
'..He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.- 2 Corinthians 12:9

invisible

ever feel like you're on fire with passion for something you really know nothing about and while you're slotting away your thoughts, your emotions are making a mad dash to bounce off walls, surging upward and outward til they have jolted every practical effort to gather your mindset. that's how God blows my mind--creating moments that I want to soak in all night and yet let everything happen at once...to love life as it is--no extra recipe to make it ideal. unpredictable. like a child's endless games of makebelieve and whether I feel invisible or not behind shut eyes I know that I am safe.

--something I had to write because my mouth was so flooded with grins that I couldn't quite hold back..sometimes God just takes you on a wild fling, right out of the blue....and I really admire that about Him...He doesn't settle for greeting us just in church, or bible setting, or on a Jesus-high...it's all about meeting us where we're at, from moseying his way into our daydreams or showing up on roadtrips....'I hate the world today, but I love the life You've given me'.-Starfield ...yea this world has its backaches and along with its aimless crooning, it gets a bit flippant...but this life God has given us...wow....I mean how can we hold back from Him...why in the heck do we get distracted and follow our own fickle games--when He can empty us and fill us up at the same time?...Christians...man we're messed up...but God is good eh...

'The steps of a man are established bythe LORD, and He delights in his way. When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong, because the LORD is the one who holds his hand."--Psalm 37:23-24
need I say more? No. because God's got it covered....what an amazing guy...